I hope I'm in the right place?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Midwest, Illinois
Posts: 13
I hope I'm in the right place?
I have taken your Al-Anon self test and answered NO to only 3 questions. So after so many years of suffering with an alcoholic son, I hope I have finally found a place to help me cope and recover "my" life back.
I am finally realizing there is nothing more I can do for him, but I don't know how to "separate" or get rid of the "guilt" feelings that in my heart are not my own.
I really need help!:ghug
I am finally realizing there is nothing more I can do for him, but I don't know how to "separate" or get rid of the "guilt" feelings that in my heart are not my own.
I really need help!:ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi 24 and Welcome!
Sorry you are dealing with so much pain with your son. I'm glad you found us though! Many people on here have great insight and can help you, like they have helped me make sense out of it all.
Big hugs to you! Keep posting : )
Sorry you are dealing with so much pain with your son. I'm glad you found us though! Many people on here have great insight and can help you, like they have helped me make sense out of it all.
Big hugs to you! Keep posting : )
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome from another mom here. My son will be 24 in a couple of weeks.
There are lots of parents here that you will come to know and appreciate, if you stick around.
We know the three Cs : We can't cure it, we can't control it, and we didn't cause it.
We know about detachment with love. Which is what It seems you are struggling with.
I struggle with this too.
I recently had my son home after 5 yrs. away and I couldn't have a front row seat to his progressive addiction/alcoholism or the chaos it brought to the house. He had to go.
Luckily, I offered him rehab and he relented.
Though it wasn't as easy as that sounded.
For now, I will believe in my son until he can believe in himself.
That being said, I also have to know when to detach emotionally for my own recovery.
I recognize when I am too preoccupied w/ his life, his addiction, his wreckage and I do what I need to do to keep my primary focus on myself.
This is my son's 3rd rehab. This program is one yr. duration.
His disease + depression was getting so bad death may very well have been his fate, by his own admission. I nudged for one yr. to get him to relent to this treatment. I am powerless over his addiction, but as his mom I can't stand by and watch him kill himself.
Mothering a grown addict is a balancing act.
good luck to you as you strike a balance to do what is BEST FOR YOU, while staying involved in your son's life. Throughout the last 5 yrs. I have detached numerous times for months at a time and I have intervened several times to provide treatment opportunities.
Hopefully, my son will embrace recovery this time.
Because the financial and emotional toll of intervening is high.
Please continue to share your experience, strength and hope with us.
__________________
There are lots of parents here that you will come to know and appreciate, if you stick around.
We know the three Cs : We can't cure it, we can't control it, and we didn't cause it.
We know about detachment with love. Which is what It seems you are struggling with.
I struggle with this too.
I recently had my son home after 5 yrs. away and I couldn't have a front row seat to his progressive addiction/alcoholism or the chaos it brought to the house. He had to go.
Luckily, I offered him rehab and he relented.
Though it wasn't as easy as that sounded.
For now, I will believe in my son until he can believe in himself.
That being said, I also have to know when to detach emotionally for my own recovery.
I recognize when I am too preoccupied w/ his life, his addiction, his wreckage and I do what I need to do to keep my primary focus on myself.
This is my son's 3rd rehab. This program is one yr. duration.
His disease + depression was getting so bad death may very well have been his fate, by his own admission. I nudged for one yr. to get him to relent to this treatment. I am powerless over his addiction, but as his mom I can't stand by and watch him kill himself.
Mothering a grown addict is a balancing act.
good luck to you as you strike a balance to do what is BEST FOR YOU, while staying involved in your son's life. Throughout the last 5 yrs. I have detached numerous times for months at a time and I have intervened several times to provide treatment opportunities.
Hopefully, my son will embrace recovery this time.
Because the financial and emotional toll of intervening is high.
Please continue to share your experience, strength and hope with us.
__________________
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi 24YOP,
Welcome! When I first found this forum it was for my 24 year old son who has a drug addiction. I read read read and took all the similarities of everyone's stories, put them together, and realized that in the end, all of our stories are the same. After crying with that realization, I followed others' paths like a manual, stepping away from my son and his addiction, giving him over to his higher power (for me, God) and learned that keeping MY focus on MYSELF was the right path all the way around. Guilt, fear, all the negative emotions are, to me, a waste of energy and result in absolutely nothing gained. Focus on myself only freed me of the anxiety I felt over my son's continuous problems. He has found a recovery program, so maybe my stepping away did do a little good in that area. Regardless, I am much happier and my life is more peaceful by following the steps that countless others have found to be truth before me. It's so great that you found SR, mom. I have learned so much here and have found support and love through the internet! Keep reading, and try, even if it is only an hour at a time at first, to get ALL your focus off your son and right onto you.
Welcome! When I first found this forum it was for my 24 year old son who has a drug addiction. I read read read and took all the similarities of everyone's stories, put them together, and realized that in the end, all of our stories are the same. After crying with that realization, I followed others' paths like a manual, stepping away from my son and his addiction, giving him over to his higher power (for me, God) and learned that keeping MY focus on MYSELF was the right path all the way around. Guilt, fear, all the negative emotions are, to me, a waste of energy and result in absolutely nothing gained. Focus on myself only freed me of the anxiety I felt over my son's continuous problems. He has found a recovery program, so maybe my stepping away did do a little good in that area. Regardless, I am much happier and my life is more peaceful by following the steps that countless others have found to be truth before me. It's so great that you found SR, mom. I have learned so much here and have found support and love through the internet! Keep reading, and try, even if it is only an hour at a time at first, to get ALL your focus off your son and right onto you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Midwest, Illinois
Posts: 13
Thank you so much for your comments... it's wonderful just to have someone to talk to.
My son was just 39... he has been back with us since last Sept., and is still unemployed. He continues to get into trouble with the law because of his drinking and is now again in jail.
I cannot bail him out anymore. He has just about financially depleted my husband and I. There are times when I really think he is going to seek help, but never does.
Because he is indigent and I don't have the financial resources to pay for rehab anymore, I am going to plea to the courts to court order him into an in-house rehab program before he kills himself.
Every time he sets foot out of my front door I am in "fear" of what the day will bring. And even if he stays home, I'm afraid to leave my house in fear of him leaving it too and leaving my home wide open, or worse yet, if he gets to drinking and cooking and forgets what's on the stove.
Because he has no job, this equals to place to live... and as a mother, if I can't get him into some kind of rehab, my heart won't let me throw him out into the streets to die. I feel like "my" life is over because I am in a catch 22.
My son was just 39... he has been back with us since last Sept., and is still unemployed. He continues to get into trouble with the law because of his drinking and is now again in jail.
I cannot bail him out anymore. He has just about financially depleted my husband and I. There are times when I really think he is going to seek help, but never does.
Because he is indigent and I don't have the financial resources to pay for rehab anymore, I am going to plea to the courts to court order him into an in-house rehab program before he kills himself.
Every time he sets foot out of my front door I am in "fear" of what the day will bring. And even if he stays home, I'm afraid to leave my house in fear of him leaving it too and leaving my home wide open, or worse yet, if he gets to drinking and cooking and forgets what's on the stove.
Because he has no job, this equals to place to live... and as a mother, if I can't get him into some kind of rehab, my heart won't let me throw him out into the streets to die. I feel like "my" life is over because I am in a catch 22.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Addiction is destroying his life and yours.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
While he is in jail, maybe you can come up with a plan for yourself to do things differently. Boundaries to set to Reclaim your home and your life.
Coming home only allows his disease to progress and him to regress.
Have you tried attending Al-anon mtgs. regularly? In my area we have mtgs. just for parents.
"Don't allow your love & anxiety lead you into doing what he ought to do for himself."
You have every right to a joyful, peaceful, life.
While he is in jail take the time to put the focus on yourself and what you need to do.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
While he is in jail, maybe you can come up with a plan for yourself to do things differently. Boundaries to set to Reclaim your home and your life.
Coming home only allows his disease to progress and him to regress.
Have you tried attending Al-anon mtgs. regularly? In my area we have mtgs. just for parents.
"Don't allow your love & anxiety lead you into doing what he ought to do for himself."
You have every right to a joyful, peaceful, life.
While he is in jail take the time to put the focus on yourself and what you need to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Midwest, Illinois
Posts: 13
:prayingAddiction "is" destroying his life and mine!
I just don't know how to step back ... I have thought many times I had given it up to God... But every time I did that, he got into even bigger trouble and cost me more money in the end.
I know this time I "cannot" financially help him. He is going to have to sit in jail until his trial and whatever the verdict may be.
The jails here in the Midwest are very rough, and I worry constantly.
But I also realize that I have "no control" over what he does either. He scoffs at any good advice I give him or try to give him and he ultimately ends up in trouble.
I have read here on just this one thread where relatives ultimately sought treatment. However, my son does not seem to be open to this. He always has a reason for not going.
He says he does not like being "locked down"... Well... what does he think Jail is??? At least in a rehab center you get passes, and eventually they help you find work and try and build a new life.
He is so "brilliant" too... He builds computers from the ground up. There isn't anything he can't fix or build. He was on the Dean's list for 3 years for H/C and electronics and dropped out in his last semester. It makes me wonder if he's afraid of "success" ... If he succeeds, then he will have to be responsible.
Addiction "is" destroying his life and mine!
He by no means is a "throw away" and that's why I keep letting him come back home. But as you said... "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
I am so emotionally wrapped up in him that it is killing me and I don't know how to step back.
:praying For strength!!!!!
I just don't know how to step back ... I have thought many times I had given it up to God... But every time I did that, he got into even bigger trouble and cost me more money in the end.
I know this time I "cannot" financially help him. He is going to have to sit in jail until his trial and whatever the verdict may be.
The jails here in the Midwest are very rough, and I worry constantly.
But I also realize that I have "no control" over what he does either. He scoffs at any good advice I give him or try to give him and he ultimately ends up in trouble.
I have read here on just this one thread where relatives ultimately sought treatment. However, my son does not seem to be open to this. He always has a reason for not going.
He says he does not like being "locked down"... Well... what does he think Jail is??? At least in a rehab center you get passes, and eventually they help you find work and try and build a new life.
He is so "brilliant" too... He builds computers from the ground up. There isn't anything he can't fix or build. He was on the Dean's list for 3 years for H/C and electronics and dropped out in his last semester. It makes me wonder if he's afraid of "success" ... If he succeeds, then he will have to be responsible.
Addiction "is" destroying his life and mine!
He by no means is a "throw away" and that's why I keep letting him come back home. But as you said... "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
I am so emotionally wrapped up in him that it is killing me and I don't know how to step back.
:praying For strength!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Midwest, Illinois
Posts: 13
Thank you Barbara52
I have a whole list of Al-Anon places to go. I have tried some of them out, and couldn't believe the attitudes of some of them.
I went there for "help" ... and some of the ladies just went to "get out" and away from the problems and didn't want to discuss them...
I finally found one that was really good.. but it's late at night (for me... I'm 69 and somewhat handicapped) and it's hard for me to get around ...
Then my daughter told me that there were "online" Al-Anon forums and that's how I found you.
I have a whole list of Al-Anon places to go. I have tried some of them out, and couldn't believe the attitudes of some of them.
I went there for "help" ... and some of the ladies just went to "get out" and away from the problems and didn't want to discuss them...
I finally found one that was really good.. but it's late at night (for me... I'm 69 and somewhat handicapped) and it's hard for me to get around ...
Then my daughter told me that there were "online" Al-Anon forums and that's how I found you.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
jail and or the legal system is most often the conseq. that provides an opport.
to reach the bottom nec. to want change.
Your son is just where he needs to be, he can't hurt himself or anyone else today.
he has time to see his life for what it is.
to reach the bottom nec. to want change.
Your son is just where he needs to be, he can't hurt himself or anyone else today.
he has time to see his life for what it is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Midwest, Illinois
Posts: 13
Spiritual Seeker:
I agree that sometimes incarceration makes one take pause to look at their life. However, this is not the first time he has been in jail and he always spends just enough time to want to make a change. That's all he talks about when he's in there... but as soon as he hits the street, it's a whole different story. seems he forgets his goals and purpose.
Don't get me wrong... he by no means is a hardened criminal... it's small crap... just enough to get him into trouble ... this time it was for a lousy bottle of beer he took from a grocery store... but because alcohol has a federal stamp on it, it's a felony.
As I had said before... he definitely "has" a brain... he is very brilliant/intelligent ... but it seems he does not use his common sense... it does NOT seem that he "learns from his mistakes." ... he just goes out and makes them again because the alcohol is "bigger" then he is!!!
I agree that sometimes incarceration makes one take pause to look at their life. However, this is not the first time he has been in jail and he always spends just enough time to want to make a change. That's all he talks about when he's in there... but as soon as he hits the street, it's a whole different story. seems he forgets his goals and purpose.
Don't get me wrong... he by no means is a hardened criminal... it's small crap... just enough to get him into trouble ... this time it was for a lousy bottle of beer he took from a grocery store... but because alcohol has a federal stamp on it, it's a felony.
As I had said before... he definitely "has" a brain... he is very brilliant/intelligent ... but it seems he does not use his common sense... it does NOT seem that he "learns from his mistakes." ... he just goes out and makes them again because the alcohol is "bigger" then he is!!!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Remember that you are powerless over his addiction, but let the pain help you break through to your own recovery from codependencd.
you can actively work the 12 steps through al-anon to change your own life and or counseling, etc. Do what ever it takes to make your own life better.
you can actively work the 12 steps through al-anon to change your own life and or counseling, etc. Do what ever it takes to make your own life better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
My heart goes out to you. I wish you and your son well, I really do. I can't imagine what it is like for a parent, my A was a boyfriend so as hard as it was I could walk away, I can't imagine that it would even be possible to do that with a family member.
Its really so hard to see someone destroying themselves through drink.
I can offer no advice just to say that I'm pleased you have found SR and I wish very much that life will improve for you and your son.
x x
Its really so hard to see someone destroying themselves through drink.
I can offer no advice just to say that I'm pleased you have found SR and I wish very much that life will improve for you and your son.
x x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Midwest, Illinois
Posts: 13
Dear SugarLily:
This is an excerpt of what I wrote to LHampton in "Does he have a problem, or am I overreacting?"
"I was married to an alcoholic husband for 17 years, and let me tell you, it was easier to boot him out then it is to boot my own son out. The bond is very different. The reason I booted my husband out was because he hurt one of my children by shoving her. I felt he could do anything to me, but don't touch my babies.
I hope you get something positive out of this...Their "is" life after divorce... I don't know about life after loosing a child, and I hope I never find out."
I am really glad to hear you say what you said, because as I said... the bond is so very different and it was much easier to rid myself of a mate and so hard for a child.
Thank you for your kind words...
This is an excerpt of what I wrote to LHampton in "Does he have a problem, or am I overreacting?"
"I was married to an alcoholic husband for 17 years, and let me tell you, it was easier to boot him out then it is to boot my own son out. The bond is very different. The reason I booted my husband out was because he hurt one of my children by shoving her. I felt he could do anything to me, but don't touch my babies.
I hope you get something positive out of this...Their "is" life after divorce... I don't know about life after loosing a child, and I hope I never find out."
I am really glad to hear you say what you said, because as I said... the bond is so very different and it was much easier to rid myself of a mate and so hard for a child.
Thank you for your kind words...
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by 24yearsOfPain 
Spiritual Seeker:
I agree that sometimes incarceration makes one take pause to look at their life. However, this is not the first time he has been in jail and he always spends just enough time to want to make a change. That's all he talks about when he's in there... but as soon as he hits the street, it's a whole different story. seems he forgets his goals and purpose.
Don't get me wrong... he by no means is a hardened criminal... it's small crap... just enough to get him into trouble ... this time it was for a lousy bottle of beer he took from a grocery store... but because alcohol has a federal stamp on it, it's a felony.
As I had said before... he definitely "has" a brain... he is very brilliant/intelligent ... but it seems he does not use his common sense... it does NOT seem that he "learns from his mistakes." ... he just goes out and makes them again because the alcohol is "bigger" then he is!!!
I agree that sometimes incarceration makes one take pause to look at their life. However, this is not the first time he has been in jail and he always spends just enough time to want to make a change. That's all he talks about when he's in there... but as soon as he hits the street, it's a whole different story. seems he forgets his goals and purpose.
Don't get me wrong... he by no means is a hardened criminal... it's small crap... just enough to get him into trouble ... this time it was for a lousy bottle of beer he took from a grocery store... but because alcohol has a federal stamp on it, it's a felony.
As I had said before... he definitely "has" a brain... he is very brilliant/intelligent ... but it seems he does not use his common sense... it does NOT seem that he "learns from his mistakes." ... he just goes out and makes them again because the alcohol is "bigger" then he is!!!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. My xabf had been in and out of juvenile detention (age 15). In and out of jail all his adult life. Then he finally was put into prison for a forgery charge. I was not with him during this time. I met him after he was out of prison and in recovery.
But he told me how he found a better way to live in prison and went through an intensive type rehab program the last year he was there. To me it really sounded like that was his "bottom."
Fast forward to today, and he has started drinking again, quit heavily and everything he learned went out the window. He is in his thirties. It just amazes me, and I find it so sad.
When your son is ready and only in that time will he find the help he needs.
Welcome to the forum and I hope you are able to find lots of support here!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
It took me a while to realize that my alcoholic boyfriend was intent on drinking himself to death with or without me. Each time I bailed him out, he was able to fool himself into thinking that he was a responsible adult and he could handle his drinking.
Each time I refused to bail him out, he'd purposely get himself into a jam in the hopes that I would step up to the plate and bail him out once again. Eventually when my life became unbearable, I hit my bottom and asked him to leave and stopped helping him.
That's when he finally realized that he was out of control and sought help for himself. Sometimes the best help we can offer the addicts in our lives is no help at all. I know that's easier said than done--especially when the addict is a child. Alanon and SR helped me let go of the things I cannot change and gave me the tools to change the things I could. Ultimately, I learned that the only person I can change is me.
I can make healthier choices. I can set boundaries to protect myself from financial and emotional harm. I can stop helping people who are capable of helping themselves. I can separate myself from harmful and toxic people. I can live a life free from another's addiction.
It takes time and strength and courage. But it can be done.
Each time I refused to bail him out, he'd purposely get himself into a jam in the hopes that I would step up to the plate and bail him out once again. Eventually when my life became unbearable, I hit my bottom and asked him to leave and stopped helping him.
That's when he finally realized that he was out of control and sought help for himself. Sometimes the best help we can offer the addicts in our lives is no help at all. I know that's easier said than done--especially when the addict is a child. Alanon and SR helped me let go of the things I cannot change and gave me the tools to change the things I could. Ultimately, I learned that the only person I can change is me.
I can make healthier choices. I can set boundaries to protect myself from financial and emotional harm. I can stop helping people who are capable of helping themselves. I can separate myself from harmful and toxic people. I can live a life free from another's addiction.
It takes time and strength and courage. But it can be done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Midwest, Illinois
Posts: 13
Sometimes the best help we can offer the addicts in our lives is no help at all. I know that's easier said than done--especially when the addict is a child.
I have put him out... twice... and both times he ended up in the hospital, beaten up and once almost dead... This is what stops me from putting him out again... he has NO place else to go but the streets and I don't want his death on my conscience. The bond for a son is "greater" then a bond for a mate.
I have put him out... twice... and both times he ended up in the hospital, beaten up and once almost dead... This is what stops me from putting him out again... he has NO place else to go but the streets and I don't want his death on my conscience. The bond for a son is "greater" then a bond for a mate.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Then you've made a choice to continue on the same path that brought you here in a state of misery. And nothing will change. When the alcoholic in my life refused to change and I wanted the pain to stop, I had to be the vehicle for change.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Midwest, Illinois
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Then you've made a choice to continue on the same path that brought you here in a state of misery. And nothing will change. When the alcoholic in my life refused to change and I wanted the pain to stop, I had to be the vehicle for change.
I am seeking ways to help him professionally and to help myself also.
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