Another newbie..How do you Not respond?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Another newbie..How do you Not respond?
First off, hello to all of you. I am new at posting but have been reading for a while and have learned so much. I see how this place can truly help and I have finally gotten the courage to share my story and ask for any help that can be offered.
I have been married to my AH for 11 years, together 13. We were not blessed with any children for reasons I believe now were for the best. Throughout my marriage I have been dealing with this effects of this disease and always hoped for a happy ending although now I know there will not be one.
My AH and I separated in July of last year which left me feeling very sad yet relieved. We continued to see each other here and there and talked every day yet I didn't feel the direct impact of the disease because what you don't see can't hurt you. My AH had his own business for a number of years and did well for quite some time, however, in the last 3 years business slowed down, his attitude changed and his drug use continued. As a result, we had to sell our home, rent and are on the verge of bankruptcy. I have always worked and carried my share, but have always been made to feel like it was HE would kept things going. In November of this year he finally came to terms that his business was not going to make it and was unable to maintain his apartment and pay his bills. The sorry sole that I am, allowed him to move back into my one bedroom apartment to help him get himself on his feet. In the 5 months that he has been back, he has worked odd-n-end jobs to cover his bills (which does not include any of the living expenses, i.e. rent, food, utilities, etc.) He has yet to offer me money to help me maintain US.
I have pretty much made it clear that our marriage is over and that I do not feel love for him the way I used to. Of course he made me feel like a put a knife through his heart and I feel guilty every day. I have been reading alot lately (awesome book - Emotional Blackmail) and I am trying NOT to react to him especially when he is using or trying to manipulate me into thinking that I am hurting him, that I am not helping him and that I could be doing more.
He just got paid on a decent job and could have offered me money to help me as he promised he would when he came back. Instead, he took MY car and gave money to his dealer so the dealer can support his family. This infurates me. I am not so sure I care so much about his addiction as I did in the past, but I DO care about the money that he is spending and NOT giving to me to help maintain his necessities. He doesn't have a car so he uses MY car and seems to NOT notice when it needs gas and things like that ...
He has damaged most of his relationships with friends/family because "they don't care' or "don't do anything for him" or "take advantage of him" so I am the only one he has. His parents live in Italy so he doesn't have anywhere to go. My anger and resentment wants him out on the street, but my heart won't allow it. I feel so alone, empty and lost.
I'm not sure how to handle all of this without reacting. The 2 of us can not even have a normal conversation because the blame game goes on and on. I would appreciate any words of wisdom anyone can offer. I see from reading here that there are so many wise people that have been there, done.
Thank you for allowing me to vent and I hope what I've written makes sense since I am in a furiated state and am feeling hopeless and alone.
I have been married to my AH for 11 years, together 13. We were not blessed with any children for reasons I believe now were for the best. Throughout my marriage I have been dealing with this effects of this disease and always hoped for a happy ending although now I know there will not be one.
My AH and I separated in July of last year which left me feeling very sad yet relieved. We continued to see each other here and there and talked every day yet I didn't feel the direct impact of the disease because what you don't see can't hurt you. My AH had his own business for a number of years and did well for quite some time, however, in the last 3 years business slowed down, his attitude changed and his drug use continued. As a result, we had to sell our home, rent and are on the verge of bankruptcy. I have always worked and carried my share, but have always been made to feel like it was HE would kept things going. In November of this year he finally came to terms that his business was not going to make it and was unable to maintain his apartment and pay his bills. The sorry sole that I am, allowed him to move back into my one bedroom apartment to help him get himself on his feet. In the 5 months that he has been back, he has worked odd-n-end jobs to cover his bills (which does not include any of the living expenses, i.e. rent, food, utilities, etc.) He has yet to offer me money to help me maintain US.
I have pretty much made it clear that our marriage is over and that I do not feel love for him the way I used to. Of course he made me feel like a put a knife through his heart and I feel guilty every day. I have been reading alot lately (awesome book - Emotional Blackmail) and I am trying NOT to react to him especially when he is using or trying to manipulate me into thinking that I am hurting him, that I am not helping him and that I could be doing more.
He just got paid on a decent job and could have offered me money to help me as he promised he would when he came back. Instead, he took MY car and gave money to his dealer so the dealer can support his family. This infurates me. I am not so sure I care so much about his addiction as I did in the past, but I DO care about the money that he is spending and NOT giving to me to help maintain his necessities. He doesn't have a car so he uses MY car and seems to NOT notice when it needs gas and things like that ...
He has damaged most of his relationships with friends/family because "they don't care' or "don't do anything for him" or "take advantage of him" so I am the only one he has. His parents live in Italy so he doesn't have anywhere to go. My anger and resentment wants him out on the street, but my heart won't allow it. I feel so alone, empty and lost.
I'm not sure how to handle all of this without reacting. The 2 of us can not even have a normal conversation because the blame game goes on and on. I would appreciate any words of wisdom anyone can offer. I see from reading here that there are so many wise people that have been there, done.
Thank you for allowing me to vent and I hope what I've written makes sense since I am in a furiated state and am feeling hopeless and alone.
Queen of Leesburg
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 83
You need to do whatever will bring serenity to YOUR life. You sound like a really good person with a wonderful, loyal heart but why would he get help for addiction? Right now you are providing him free food, free rent, free car, lights, heat, companionship when he wants it? Basically enabling him to use his money for drugs. I am in no way blaming you but really feel you need to give him the boot and work on bringing peace, joy and serenity to your life. Addicts will bleed you dry if you let them. I am one and did my share of manipulating people into doing for me what I should have been doing for myself. Were I you I would ask him to leave and wish him the best (and change the locks).
Good luck to you and keep writing ...
Good luck to you and keep writing ...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Glad you're joining us. Yes, there are many wise ones here and I continue to be thankful for this site. So let me welcome you with big ((((((hugs)))))).
You have a lot going on right now, but let my start by repeating what I have often heard:
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.....where he is in life right now is not your fault....you did not cause it.
It sounds like he is manipulating you into feeling guilty so that you keep helping him....and helping him means you are enabling him to abuse drugs. If he has no where else to turn, it is by his own doing, and he needs to face that....not you. You do not need to lend him your car, you don't even have to give him a place to live. I know you want to help, but you are helping him continue to use.
I would be angry too, but remember, it is ok to say no. Anger and resentment are not healthy, and they will continue to build if you aren't careful. Take care of you and keep coming back.:ghug3
You have a lot going on right now, but let my start by repeating what I have often heard:
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.....where he is in life right now is not your fault....you did not cause it.
It sounds like he is manipulating you into feeling guilty so that you keep helping him....and helping him means you are enabling him to abuse drugs. If he has no where else to turn, it is by his own doing, and he needs to face that....not you. You do not need to lend him your car, you don't even have to give him a place to live. I know you want to help, but you are helping him continue to use.
I would be angry too, but remember, it is ok to say no. Anger and resentment are not healthy, and they will continue to build if you aren't careful. Take care of you and keep coming back.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by NEVEREnds 
I'm not sure how to handle all of this without reacting.
It's kind of the same thing -- you have to step away from your dancing/sparring partner even if the music is still playing.
hopefull husband
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
I'm glad you found your way here. I only just found it myself adn am so greatfull. What a wonderful group of people and a wealth of knowledge and experience.
The best thing you can do is take care of you first. Let him go. You worry that that will speed up his slide, but it may well speed up his hitting bottome and getting himslef some help. But that isn't your resposibility. Your responsibility is to take care of you.
itisatruth already said it, but I'll say it again, because it hit home with me the first time I heard it.
the 3 C's:
You didn't Cause it
You can't Conrol it
You can't Cure it
Set yourself free. Tough as it may be for you both, it's the best for you both.
The best thing you can do is take care of you first. Let him go. You worry that that will speed up his slide, but it may well speed up his hitting bottome and getting himslef some help. But that isn't your resposibility. Your responsibility is to take care of you.
itisatruth already said it, but I'll say it again, because it hit home with me the first time I heard it.
the 3 C's:
You didn't Cause it
You can't Conrol it
You can't Cure it
Set yourself free. Tough as it may be for you both, it's the best for you both.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Welcome to SR, NEVEREnds. I do understand, although the addict in my life is my son.
Just a thought, but have you talked to him about whether or not he's ready to get help to recover and get clean? This may really sound bad, but I was thinking that if you could encourage him to go into a rehab (there are some that are free), then it would be easier for you, to just let him know when the time comes, that he would have to go to a halfway house after that and then make it clear to him at the proper time that he needed to find a place of his own. This would be good for the both of you and you wouldn't have to feel like you were abandoning him and just turning him out into the streets. Like I said, it's just a thought.
Then there's the idea of writing a contract and having him sign it too, after an honest discussion, and in the contract you would Both agree on an appropriate length of time for him to get a job and a place to live and some other ride to work. If he didn't, by the date, then he would be required to leave your home anyway, at that time. There is the Salvation Army and Homeless Shelters and other places like that where he could go if he had to. Again just something to consider. Only you know, what you are capable of living with.
You do need to take care of yourself too. He's a grown man and he does obviously know how to support himself, just as you do.
Just a thought, but have you talked to him about whether or not he's ready to get help to recover and get clean? This may really sound bad, but I was thinking that if you could encourage him to go into a rehab (there are some that are free), then it would be easier for you, to just let him know when the time comes, that he would have to go to a halfway house after that and then make it clear to him at the proper time that he needed to find a place of his own. This would be good for the both of you and you wouldn't have to feel like you were abandoning him and just turning him out into the streets. Like I said, it's just a thought.
Then there's the idea of writing a contract and having him sign it too, after an honest discussion, and in the contract you would Both agree on an appropriate length of time for him to get a job and a place to live and some other ride to work. If he didn't, by the date, then he would be required to leave your home anyway, at that time. There is the Salvation Army and Homeless Shelters and other places like that where he could go if he had to. Again just something to consider. Only you know, what you are capable of living with.
You do need to take care of yourself too. He's a grown man and he does obviously know how to support himself, just as you do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Maybe try making a set-in-stone plan (writing it down isn't a bad idea.) Tell him, "you have X_amount of days to get a new place and get things set up for yourself." Then stick to it. Writing it down is a good idea so he can't claim "not to remember the conversation." Even if you just write a heart-felt letter to him, explaining that you need out of this to heal from it, then add in the date you come up with (i.e. however long you decide to give him to find a place to stay or his own apartment or whatnot.) I'd just make sure everything is finite--set in stone--that nothing is "left open" or "left indefinite."
I would almost treat it like a parent whose child refuses to leave the house and that child is 30 and still living in the basement. "You have 3 weeks to get a job, find a place to live and move out. Then, we're changing the locks." Be precise. From my experience, many addicts will look for any loophole to exploit, any open end to take advantage of.
"Dear ____,
I can't live like this anymore. I have to separate from you for my own health and happiness. You have 3 weeks from today (May 1, 2008) to find your own place, pay your own rent."
Get a calendar and start marking off days with red X's. Not to make him feel like a 2 year old, but to let him know you're serious. Reiterate that you can't live like this anymore, you want your life back.
When is your lease up for your new place? You can always opt to not renew and look for a new place yourself and that will lead you to explain that you'll be living alone at that point. And you certainly don't have to tell him where you are living if you opt for a new place.
/hugs to you
I would almost treat it like a parent whose child refuses to leave the house and that child is 30 and still living in the basement. "You have 3 weeks to get a job, find a place to live and move out. Then, we're changing the locks." Be precise. From my experience, many addicts will look for any loophole to exploit, any open end to take advantage of.
"Dear ____,
I can't live like this anymore. I have to separate from you for my own health and happiness. You have 3 weeks from today (May 1, 2008) to find your own place, pay your own rent."
Get a calendar and start marking off days with red X's. Not to make him feel like a 2 year old, but to let him know you're serious. Reiterate that you can't live like this anymore, you want your life back.
When is your lease up for your new place? You can always opt to not renew and look for a new place yourself and that will lead you to explain that you'll be living alone at that point. And you certainly don't have to tell him where you are living if you opt for a new place.
/hugs to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Thank you all so much for your caring words and advise. I have to say that he is NOT an easy person to talk to and seems to feel that we are married and I owe all of this to him. He doesn't say it in those words, but the words and actions he uses says that loud and clear. He did complete an OP program a few years back and he did well, but when it comes to meetings and sponsors he "doesn't like them because those people are worse then he is and they don't help". I don't even bring up treatment or much about his addiction in order to avoid confrontation. He is ALWAYS on the defensive and it makes it almost IMPOSSIBLE to have a reasonable, adult, mature, much needed conversation about these things. So all that I have to say or feel is bottled up and caused me to react in negative ways to him. I have tried to detach in ways that I believe is detaching, (i.e. NO SEX, although he continues to hound me, no cash to him, no plans together things of that nature) Saying NO to him makes me feel like I'm trying to "BOSS" him or control him and that is not the case. I am doing this to protect myself and my feelings, but feel guilty and confused about it at the same time. I'm not sure how to go about letting him know where I stand and what I expect without it turning into a blame game.
The apartment I rent is owned by my aunt. I rented the apartment by myself when we had separated. I would leave the apartment in a heartbeat if it weren't my aunts place. I would leave the apartment to him to fend for himself but I can't do that in these circumstances. Not to mention that if I was to go away even for a short period, I would have to explain everything to the family and I am not prepared to do that. I've been told over the years that the reason people treat him different is because of me and the things I've said over the years. "Nobody would know about his addiction if it wasn't for me" ... Also, he is currently do some jobs with my dad and this would affect that. Should I care? NO .. Do I? YES ....
We have been sharing the bed since his return and I just told him last night that he is to sleep in the living room from last night forward. I had told him that when he uses, he is to sleep in the living room because he keeps me up and I NEED to get up and go to work the next day. Well he only does this when he feels like it which infuriates me. Last night I went on the couch and was fuming. I decided to go into the bedroom to tell him that he has to sleep in the living room from now on. Of course it was a song and dance and the whole, "C'mon, Stop it, stop being ridiculous" ... He did go but not without a hissy fit first.
I know what everyone is telling me here is true and it is what needs to be done for ME .. I just don't know how to do it as stupid as it sounds.
Thank you all again for listening to my rant. These posts always become much longer than I anticipate. I so appreciate all of your responses and cares and concerns.
Help!!!!
:ghug
The apartment I rent is owned by my aunt. I rented the apartment by myself when we had separated. I would leave the apartment in a heartbeat if it weren't my aunts place. I would leave the apartment to him to fend for himself but I can't do that in these circumstances. Not to mention that if I was to go away even for a short period, I would have to explain everything to the family and I am not prepared to do that. I've been told over the years that the reason people treat him different is because of me and the things I've said over the years. "Nobody would know about his addiction if it wasn't for me" ... Also, he is currently do some jobs with my dad and this would affect that. Should I care? NO .. Do I? YES ....
We have been sharing the bed since his return and I just told him last night that he is to sleep in the living room from last night forward. I had told him that when he uses, he is to sleep in the living room because he keeps me up and I NEED to get up and go to work the next day. Well he only does this when he feels like it which infuriates me. Last night I went on the couch and was fuming. I decided to go into the bedroom to tell him that he has to sleep in the living room from now on. Of course it was a song and dance and the whole, "C'mon, Stop it, stop being ridiculous" ... He did go but not without a hissy fit first.
I know what everyone is telling me here is true and it is what needs to be done for ME .. I just don't know how to do it as stupid as it sounds.
Thank you all again for listening to my rant. These posts always become much longer than I anticipate. I so appreciate all of your responses and cares and concerns.
Help!!!!
:ghug
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((((NeverEnds))))))))))
Not much to add. Everyone has given great feedback.
Just wanted to welcome you and add my support
and prayers.
It's important to set boundries that you can stick with.
I hope you can. Start going to alanon/naranon meetings
for face to face support. Keep reading. Knowledge is power.
Sending prayers up for you and your estranged ah.
As long as he has a place to go....
Keep in mind-When he does hit
, he has no place to go but up.
Let him fall, no matter what.
Not much to add. Everyone has given great feedback.
Just wanted to welcome you and add my support
and prayers.
It's important to set boundries that you can stick with.
I hope you can. Start going to alanon/naranon meetings
for face to face support. Keep reading. Knowledge is power.
Sending prayers up for you and your estranged ah.
As long as he has a place to go....
Keep in mind-When he does hit
, he has no place to go but up.Let him fall, no matter what.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I know what everyone is telling me here is true and it is what needs to be done for ME .. I just don't know how to do it as stupid as it sounds.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I hate that feeling, of telling people who might know my husband (and me) and have them look at him in a certain way, of never being able to trust him and that (in turn) making it harder for them to get/stay clean.
Have you talked to a therapist yourself? Specifically someone who deals with substance abuse? Get help for YOU. Talking to someone about this (someone who is objective and knows this stuff) might be something to consider. Tell him what you're doing. If he's difficult to talk to, I always tell people to write it down and give it to them. That way, they can't interrupt or get pissy and leave.
They can decide not to read it all, or tear it up in a fit of rage, but at least you tried.
I don't see that he will change. That's the thing. Making him sleep on the couch still puts a roof over his head and him eating your food fills his belly. He has company when he wants it (and probably could come and go as he pleases at this point.)
His tantrums about not wanting to go to meetings is a cop out, so is the therapist deal. My AH went through a period of "self help" and it didn't work. I'm not sure it ever does.
I'm sorry for all the turmoil, above all else. Life is so short and to have to deal with drama like this can be so draining.
:ghug2
Have you talked to a therapist yourself? Specifically someone who deals with substance abuse? Get help for YOU. Talking to someone about this (someone who is objective and knows this stuff) might be something to consider. Tell him what you're doing. If he's difficult to talk to, I always tell people to write it down and give it to them. That way, they can't interrupt or get pissy and leave.
They can decide not to read it all, or tear it up in a fit of rage, but at least you tried.
I don't see that he will change. That's the thing. Making him sleep on the couch still puts a roof over his head and him eating your food fills his belly. He has company when he wants it (and probably could come and go as he pleases at this point.)
His tantrums about not wanting to go to meetings is a cop out, so is the therapist deal. My AH went through a period of "self help" and it didn't work. I'm not sure it ever does.
I'm sorry for all the turmoil, above all else. Life is so short and to have to deal with drama like this can be so draining.
:ghug2
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
The love and support on this site is so empowering. Thank you so much.
I have been in therapy but not with one who deals strictly with substance abuse issues. I stopped going because I was not doing the things that was suggested to me because of the lack of energy/hopefullness I felt. I do see from reading here the things that will help ME .. I just need to put them into action.
I did consider writing a letter to my AH and leave it at that and even started a thread on here on how to write a letter to an angry A. I don't want to point fingers or vent any of my resentment and anger in this letter to him, so I will take that one slowly and try to find the right words to express MY wants, desires and feelings (even walk on eggshells in a letter).
I know by me giving him his necesseties allows him to continue his negative patterns without a care in the world, not even for my feelings or what he is doing to me and us. I feel like I'm on a self-pity party at times and feel like my actions or reactions focus too much on the hurt and pain HE has caused me, rather than on what I actually need and want.
I have considered going to meetings in my area but I am leery about going alone and don't want to drag anyone into a situation that they just don't understand. I will get there, I'm sure or at least I hope.
((((HUGS))) to all of you.
I have been in therapy but not with one who deals strictly with substance abuse issues. I stopped going because I was not doing the things that was suggested to me because of the lack of energy/hopefullness I felt. I do see from reading here the things that will help ME .. I just need to put them into action.
I did consider writing a letter to my AH and leave it at that and even started a thread on here on how to write a letter to an angry A. I don't want to point fingers or vent any of my resentment and anger in this letter to him, so I will take that one slowly and try to find the right words to express MY wants, desires and feelings (even walk on eggshells in a letter).
I know by me giving him his necesseties allows him to continue his negative patterns without a care in the world, not even for my feelings or what he is doing to me and us. I feel like I'm on a self-pity party at times and feel like my actions or reactions focus too much on the hurt and pain HE has caused me, rather than on what I actually need and want.
I have considered going to meetings in my area but I am leery about going alone and don't want to drag anyone into a situation that they just don't understand. I will get there, I'm sure or at least I hope.
((((HUGS))) to all of you.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by NEVEREnds
I am not so sure I care so much about his addiction as I did in the past, but I DO care about the money that he is spending and NOT giving to me to help maintain his necessities. He doesn't have a car so he uses MY car and seems to NOT notice when it needs gas and things like that ...
Your name on the car. Your insurance. "Your" responsibility by law if he gets into an accident with your car.
A tank of gas...$50
A lawsuit...$500,000.00
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya Neverends--
This caught my eye in your post--
"I have considered going to meetings in my area but I am leery about going alone and don't want to drag anyone into a situation that they just don't understand. I will get there, I'm sure or at least I hope."
I find it interesting (and I myself and lots of us on this board have felt this way believe me!!) how us codies will spend years begging, scheming, pleading, hinting, manipulating our Addicts into getting help. We look at the mess of their lives and we want to scream at them Go to a Meeting! Go talk to someone! Get some help to change this sh*t!! And yet we ourselves often say the same things about getting help that infuriates us when the addict says it:
I don't like the idea of meetings.
I don't like those people.
It's too inconvenient, strange, or not for me!
When I finally gave over to AlAnon and ACCEPTED the help it was offering me, FREE, I was in so much pain that I finally did what I had been wishing my A brothers would do - I just started following directions. What I was doing/thinking obviously was not working. And yeah those first 4 or 5 AlAnon meetings I was like - um no these people are weird, these people are different from me (exactly what addicts who are not willing to change say!!). But I just buttoned my lip and started following directions and slowly my head completely turned around and things did change, and did improve enormously.
Anyway- all this to say nothing changes if nothing changes. And one day when you are ready you will see that YOU alone have had the power all along to change YOUR life, and that a bright, joyous, and serene future awaits you - and posting here is such a great sign that your mind is opening to change and that, yes, you are changing!!!
Keep at it! It will not be easy but it will be worth it!
Peace,
B.
This caught my eye in your post--
"I have considered going to meetings in my area but I am leery about going alone and don't want to drag anyone into a situation that they just don't understand. I will get there, I'm sure or at least I hope."
I find it interesting (and I myself and lots of us on this board have felt this way believe me!!) how us codies will spend years begging, scheming, pleading, hinting, manipulating our Addicts into getting help. We look at the mess of their lives and we want to scream at them Go to a Meeting! Go talk to someone! Get some help to change this sh*t!! And yet we ourselves often say the same things about getting help that infuriates us when the addict says it:
I don't like the idea of meetings.
I don't like those people.
It's too inconvenient, strange, or not for me!
When I finally gave over to AlAnon and ACCEPTED the help it was offering me, FREE, I was in so much pain that I finally did what I had been wishing my A brothers would do - I just started following directions. What I was doing/thinking obviously was not working. And yeah those first 4 or 5 AlAnon meetings I was like - um no these people are weird, these people are different from me (exactly what addicts who are not willing to change say!!). But I just buttoned my lip and started following directions and slowly my head completely turned around and things did change, and did improve enormously.
Anyway- all this to say nothing changes if nothing changes. And one day when you are ready you will see that YOU alone have had the power all along to change YOUR life, and that a bright, joyous, and serene future awaits you - and posting here is such a great sign that your mind is opening to change and that, yes, you are changing!!!
Keep at it! It will not be easy but it will be worth it!
Peace,
B.
Last edited by Bernadette; 05-01-2008 at 07:08 AM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
I agree with best that the car is something you should really think about. If anything happens (accident, police involvement, or a multitude of other possibilities) that will be YOUR problem.
My recovering A was allowed to use my car in the early part of our relationship. He didn't use it that often, but if I didn't need it and he did, I didn't mind. He had a clean driving record and, at that time, was sober.
But, when he relapsed and used my car to go look for drugs (and found them), that was it. No more car. He's been clean, again, a little over 2 weeks and has asked about using the car repeatedly...The answer is still "no". It will continue to be "no" until (if) I ever feel confident that his use is not a big risk. But, he'll probably get his own vehicle before that happens because that's a ways off...
My recovering A was allowed to use my car in the early part of our relationship. He didn't use it that often, but if I didn't need it and he did, I didn't mind. He had a clean driving record and, at that time, was sober.
But, when he relapsed and used my car to go look for drugs (and found them), that was it. No more car. He's been clean, again, a little over 2 weeks and has asked about using the car repeatedly...The answer is still "no". It will continue to be "no" until (if) I ever feel confident that his use is not a big risk. But, he'll probably get his own vehicle before that happens because that's a ways off...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
I do have concerns about him using my car because he is not listed on my insurance, nor as a member of my household because we were separated and he had his own insurance. Since his vehicle was repossessed a few months ago, he has used my car as long as I don't need it. His driving record his terrible and he has lost his license in November for 30 days for points. He doesn't usually ask to use it he just says if I don't need it he is going here or there. I hate the confrontation that comes with me saying NO ... he makes it so difficult to stand my ground ... I am working on it tho ...
As for meetings, I will get there... I totally hear what you are saying and I need to focus on my recovery instead of worrying about his ...
Thanks again
As for meetings, I will get there... I totally hear what you are saying and I need to focus on my recovery instead of worrying about his ...
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
First off, I don't think you are whining. You are in pain and you need support. So, go easy on yourself. Living with an addict is consuming and depreciating at times.
Second, as for writing a letter, my suggestion (since you say he's so angry,) is to use "I-statements" more than anything. "I feel this way." "I am struggling with this." Try to make it about how you feel. You can add in his actions, sure, but you CAN do it w/o being bitchy. Just try to focus on how this makes you feel and what it does to YOU. For example:
Instead of this: "You come and go as you please and use the car and belittle my attempts to separate myself from you when I ask you to sleep on the couch..."
try this: "I feel used when you come and go as you please and I feel like I'm not being taken seriously when I tell you that I need space. This hurts me. It hurts so much that I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I can't trust you, like the more I offer you (a roof over your head, food, the car, etc) that less of a reason you'll have to get well and that I'm enabling you... (blah blah)
I mean, you don't want to sit there and take credit for HIS behavior, but you can focus on how it makes you feel as opposed to making a laundry list of things he does that you think are wrong and hurtful. You can include those things, but you can wrap them in words and ideas that tell how they effect YOU as opposed to how WRONG he is.
I hope that makes sense!
Second, as for writing a letter, my suggestion (since you say he's so angry,) is to use "I-statements" more than anything. "I feel this way." "I am struggling with this." Try to make it about how you feel. You can add in his actions, sure, but you CAN do it w/o being bitchy. Just try to focus on how this makes you feel and what it does to YOU. For example:
Instead of this: "You come and go as you please and use the car and belittle my attempts to separate myself from you when I ask you to sleep on the couch..."
try this: "I feel used when you come and go as you please and I feel like I'm not being taken seriously when I tell you that I need space. This hurts me. It hurts so much that I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I can't trust you, like the more I offer you (a roof over your head, food, the car, etc) that less of a reason you'll have to get well and that I'm enabling you... (blah blah)
I mean, you don't want to sit there and take credit for HIS behavior, but you can focus on how it makes you feel as opposed to making a laundry list of things he does that you think are wrong and hurtful. You can include those things, but you can wrap them in words and ideas that tell how they effect YOU as opposed to how WRONG he is.
I hope that makes sense!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Thanks Zombie -- Makes complete sense. So unbelievable that I have to tip toe around him even in a letter ... But I will focus on me and how this is affecting me and hope that even just letting him know, without an argument, will make me feel better.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Well, if it breaks through, then it will be worth it. And I'd mention that as well, "I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you all the time."
I'll never forget the day when I let it all come out with my addict husband. I didn't do it in a letter necessarily or with much tact. He got sick with a sinus infection and that meant he wasn't using and went into "coming down mode" for days and days. He couldn't get out of bed--was so tired. I knew he had used at that point and found a stash in his old hiding place (he hadn't the smarts to even find a new one at that point.)
I was literally out the door when he forced himself out of bed and begged me to stay--on his knees, begging me. Begging me to take him to the doctor for antibiotics. I agreed and the entire way to the doctor's, I utterly let loose. He was too sick and too tired to get defensive, to get angry, to say much at all.
In short, I told him that I hated the drug, that I wanted to murder it, that if it was a person, I'd kill it with my bare hands--that I hated who I had become, always looking for the stuff, being suspicious. I told him that him using ruined every beautiful day of my life with him and on and on about how messed up my life was because of HIS addiction. I used the F-word about a hundred times, along with other words. I was not at all tactful, but I remember I just let it pour out--every way it made me feel that he used. That the love I had for him was dying one day at a time. I was so mad that I wasn't crying or sobbing, I was just letting it go.
He sat there and just cried. He finally "got" what this did to me, the shell I let myself become. That was our breakthrough moment. He had avoided all guilt before, all responsibility. Now, I'm not saying to freak out like I did. And had I put that in a letter, I imagine he would have "gotten it" then too.
But, don't be afraid to pour your heart out. You have nothing to lose.
:ghug
I'll never forget the day when I let it all come out with my addict husband. I didn't do it in a letter necessarily or with much tact. He got sick with a sinus infection and that meant he wasn't using and went into "coming down mode" for days and days. He couldn't get out of bed--was so tired. I knew he had used at that point and found a stash in his old hiding place (he hadn't the smarts to even find a new one at that point.)
I was literally out the door when he forced himself out of bed and begged me to stay--on his knees, begging me. Begging me to take him to the doctor for antibiotics. I agreed and the entire way to the doctor's, I utterly let loose. He was too sick and too tired to get defensive, to get angry, to say much at all.
In short, I told him that I hated the drug, that I wanted to murder it, that if it was a person, I'd kill it with my bare hands--that I hated who I had become, always looking for the stuff, being suspicious. I told him that him using ruined every beautiful day of my life with him and on and on about how messed up my life was because of HIS addiction. I used the F-word about a hundred times, along with other words. I was not at all tactful, but I remember I just let it pour out--every way it made me feel that he used. That the love I had for him was dying one day at a time. I was so mad that I wasn't crying or sobbing, I was just letting it go.
He sat there and just cried. He finally "got" what this did to me, the shell I let myself become. That was our breakthrough moment. He had avoided all guilt before, all responsibility. Now, I'm not saying to freak out like I did. And had I put that in a letter, I imagine he would have "gotten it" then too.
But, don't be afraid to pour your heart out. You have nothing to lose.
:ghug
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
The ONLY way I've been able to let go, to detach, to find some peace in my life was by adding meetings to my life.
And let me tell you this. If you're waiting for people, "earth people" as I call them, the people who don't have addiction in their lives, to "understand" what you're going through, you'll be waiting a very long time.
It is ONLY in the rooms of Al Anon (or Nar Anon or a place like this board, a recovery place) that you will find people who understand exactly what you're going through and people who will be able to relate to you and you to them.
That was such a HUGE relief to me, that I could walk into my meeting and know that everyone there understood, offered their experience, strength and hope, and did not judge me one bit.
Best thing I've ever done for myself was walking through the door of Al Anon.
Hope you'll make finding a meeting a priority. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
And let me tell you this. If you're waiting for people, "earth people" as I call them, the people who don't have addiction in their lives, to "understand" what you're going through, you'll be waiting a very long time.
It is ONLY in the rooms of Al Anon (or Nar Anon or a place like this board, a recovery place) that you will find people who understand exactly what you're going through and people who will be able to relate to you and you to them.
That was such a HUGE relief to me, that I could walk into my meeting and know that everyone there understood, offered their experience, strength and hope, and did not judge me one bit.
Best thing I've ever done for myself was walking through the door of Al Anon.
Hope you'll make finding a meeting a priority. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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