kj3880

Hi,
Does anyone else share this quality I'm about to describe? Here's what I've always done, long before I was an active addict (although I think the disease was always inside of me just waiting to come out):
I get some sign of a problem, ie: envelope looking like court summons, or notice from childs' school, or call from bill collector, or weird look on boss's face every time I see him in the hall, or funny noise from car engine, or whatever, and I just try not to think about it. I hide the envelopes, turn up the car radio, turn off the phone ringer, look away from the boss, whatever I can to ignore the increasing problems. I mean you all seriously would not believe the lengths I will go to to ignore a problem. I'm a pro at it. I am beginning to suspect it's why I started using, as yet another way to not think about big problems. Now that I'm not getting high anymore, you wouldn't believe the mound of problems that I've got to deal with, overdue property taxes, foreclosure notice, broke down van, high-schooler with bad grades, some type of electrical problem that will cost thousands to fix...etc...and I have to deal with them all...sober. ugh...I'd like to wait until I'm stronger, have a couple months clean before I start making changes, but I can't do that. These problems are up front and in my face. It's such a temptation to take something to blot out all the feelings of failure and helplessness, but in the end I would still have to deal. I'm at the end of the rope and I have to start climbing, kicking and scratching my way out of this pit I've dug for myself now. I feel overwhelmed. Thanks for letting me vent/share. Feedback??
kj

Sugah

The only practical suggestion, other than don't use, no matter what!!, that I can give you is to start making lists, from things that must be dealt with immediately to things that have less priority (car problems? can you take the bus for awhile?). Break those problems into steps, and deal with one thing at a time. Finding some sort of debt/budgeting consultant might be a good idea. Hiding from them or making excuses, either to those you owe or to those who might help you, won't make it any better. When I know I've screwed up big time, I've always found it best to admit that at the start. Any person or institution that might offer you help will usually be more willing if you're not trying to gain sympathy - if you're showing a real desire to become responsible.

You can't raise your child's grades, but you can increase the communication, both with the child and with the school. I found myself in the same situation when my son was twelve. It took being consistent and patient until he was fifteen for things to really improve. Special classes, tutoring, therapy (some are sliding-scale), and your time, combined with his/her desire to turn things around can make a difference. As a matter of fact, the last is necessary to make a difference. It wasn't until "real life" began looming that my son became willing.

kj, I don't know how long you've been clean, or how long you used, but I can assure you that using now will only make all these problems worse. They can't be avoided forever. I still have wreckage that I'm dealing with, and some of it is permanent. But, I can also tell you that it's a relief to be able to settle down at night knowing I did the best I could to take care of my responsibilities for that day.

Make a plan. Steps/meetings/sponsors help a lot in learning to deal with what's in front of you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

kj3880

Sugah,
Thanks for your suggestions...Yep I can't take the bus because there isn't even public transport out where I live. And I work a long distance away, 40 miles. But I do luckily have a car I can borrow for now. My son is already 15 and it seems like he is starting to wake up. I guess time will tell. I used for a year, but prior to that, I was pretty ill, had some surgery, so I've been really "out of it" for about 18 mos. Long enough for things to get out of control. And I've been a procrastinator and a poor credit risk all of my life. So it wasn't just the using that caused it, more a symptom, I think. I am slowly working though things, but I am so impatient with it all. I feel like I'm walking in quicksand. I am just trying to remember, I didn't make this mess in one day, and it isn't going to be cleaned up in one day either. It's going to take a long time and a lot of hard work.
kj

Sugah

Many of us find that the thinking/feeling patterns that characterize our addiction manifest long before we start using. I'm sure you're already aware of that, and being aware, you also know that the process of the steps results in that spiritual awakening where we find ourselves responding to things in very uncharacteristic ways!

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I will say a prayer for you, and for your son (at one point, that's about all I had left to do for him!).

Peace & Love,
Sugah

REZ

I can relate. My first reaction to big problems is denial. But, I have to work through this until I can accept them as they are, and then take some action. It is not easy to deal with life on life's terms sometimes, even when you've been clean for a while like me.
I have a 15-year-old son in high school now. This last year with him has been the most difficult year I have had since I've been clean. He has used drugs, had bad grades and attitude problems in school, been caught shoplifting, gotten lost, been kicked out of youth camp, been hospitalized for a serious accident he had as a result of drug use, punched holes in the walls of our house...

How do I deal with this? It is not easy! I worked the steps, go to meetings, talk to my sponsor, pray...I am trying to be hopeful and look at this as life lessons for him. I pray that he will one day grow up and become a decent human being.

kj3880

Sugah,
Thank you for your insight. I'm really starting to see that the defects in my character that resulted in my attraction to using opiates were there long before i found opiates. I always admire your recovery, Sugah.
Rez,
The main thing that gives me hope about my son, that can maybe give you a little hope with your kid, is my daughter. She went through school failure, staying out all night and hiding, dressing in weird all-black clothing, all kinds of crap, before she turned 17. Then it seemed like a light bulb went on in her head, and she got it together, made up her school work bit by bit, and is now a successful sophomore at community college, with a 3.5 average!. I never thought that would happen....and neither did she at one point. But I never gave up on her either, I never stopped caring or loving her. And it has paid off in the best ways. We have the closest and most loving relationship of any mom and daughter I know. It's one thing in my life that I really did get right. And it didn't look that way just a couple years ago. So hang in there. Don't give up, don't change the rules. And don't ever stop letting your son know how much you love him. Believe me, he may not act like it, but he wants to know.
kj

REZ

KJ3880: Thanks for the encouragement. I went through a wild period too before getting my act together through NA. I'm not giving up. I'm trying to be loving and patient, but also establishing and enforcing rules.