Hi,
Does anyone else share this quality I'm about to describe? Here's what I've always done, long before I was an active addict (although I think the disease was always inside of me just waiting to come out):
I get some sign of a problem, ie: envelope looking like court summons, or notice from childs' school, or call from bill collector, or weird look on boss's face every time I see him in the hall, or funny noise from car engine, or whatever, and I just try not to think about it. I hide the envelopes, turn up the car radio, turn off the phone ringer, look away from the boss, whatever I can to ignore the increasing problems. I mean you all seriously would not believe the lengths I will go to to ignore a problem. I'm a pro at it. I am beginning to suspect it's why I started using, as yet another way to not think about big problems. Now that I'm not getting high anymore, you wouldn't believe the mound of problems that I've got to deal with, overdue property taxes, foreclosure notice
, broke down van, high-schooler with bad grades, some type of electrical problem that will cost thousands to fix...etc...and I have to deal with them all...sober. ugh...I'd like to wait until I'm stronger, have a couple months clean before I start making changes, but I can't do that. These problems are up front and in my face. It's such a temptation to take something to blot out all the feelings of failure and helplessness, but in the end I would still have to deal. I'm at the end of the rope and I have to start climbing, kicking and scratching my way out of this pit I've dug for myself now. I feel overwhelmed. Thanks for letting me vent/share. Feedback??
kj