mle-sober

I was telling my husband that I felt like he was punishing me for being an alcoholic and lying to him about my use. I said that I didn't feel loved. He said, "You've earned every bit of that punishment." And I just felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

He has told me he forgives me but he doesn't treat me like he forgives me. He has a big wall up and he does this "push-pull" thing with me - come here, go away. Sometimes it's good but if I insert my feelings and needs into the scenario, he gets upset. It has to be all about his hurt and how I betrayed him. It's as if I don't deserve to have my needs met anymore. We're in separate bedrooms.

I want to mend. I love this man. He's not perfect but neither am I, obviously. But I am done being punished for this. I've apologized in so many ways - written and spoken. The thing that has hurt his the most was the lying - I was a secret drinker. I've been sober for almost 3 months.

And I feel proud of the work I've done to be sober. I can't believe I am sober.

Okay -so my question: Have others been "punished" by their significant others? I am trying to be patient but does anyone have any ideas that might help? I am hurting.

Anna

I was a secret drinker too and what bothered my husband the most was the lying.

I wouldn't say that he punished me, but there was definitely distance. And, for a very long time I didn't dare talk about my needs or feelings. I had so much guilt, I was just working very hard to try to make things better.

If you're done being punished and he is not ready to really forgive you, then it's a problem you need to work on. Being patient is very hard. At three months, your husband may still be wondering what is going to happen. What I learned in early sobriety is that you don't have control over the things you wish you could control.

lovingseren

It took a long time for us to get sick, it will take a while for us to get healthy, and that goes for our relationships.

I am sober since 2003, and it took a couple of years for my family to "relax" and trust me again.

hugs to both of you.

Seren

Hevyn

Mle, I can't help but be defensive on your behalf. His attitude just sounds unnecessarily mean to me. I have family members who aren't capable of forgiving me for my drinking years & all the devasatation I caused. I spent too much time grovelling and begging to be forgiven. Now I'm just living the best life I possibly can, hoping the trust will be built back up and the old memories will fade. A person who doesn't understand addiction is so hard to reason with. He wouldn't be "punishing" you if you had cancer, would he? Does he get it that you have been coping with a disease? Maybe he's afraid to hope that things will be better & feels he needs to keep his guard up. I'm sorry you're feeling this way tonight - but glad you came here to talk about it. Love, Joanie

slash

Congratulations on your 3 months!! Though you don't deserve to be punished, our loved ones have every right to be angry and hurt and apologies will likely do nothing...for either of you. I believe that the best you can do is do YOU - words (written or spoken) do not mean much, especially when they come out of the mouths that were deceptive for so long. We have to take action and allow the growth to take place. Our loved ones will take notice. I wish you all the best.

best

I found that my actions speak louder then anything I could say or write.

I gave away the trust with my lies. It was my job to earn it back. It can take time but we can help the time pass faster. I would do extra measures to show I could be trusted again. Be on time or call ahead as soon as I know I will be late.
If I say it...do it to the best I am able. I may give more then normally would be required but not so much that I turn myself into a doormat.

Let your actions say you are sorry and let time heal the hurt.

IO Storm

Yep mle....

It is what all the others have said.....

This thing did not happen overnight...and it will not heal overnight. It is going to take

a lot of time. Remember that you have no control over his feelings or emotions.

What you can do is respect his feelings...and take care of yourself and guard your

sobriety. Your top priority.

Blessings



IO

slash

I totally understand this frustration and tendency we have to defend one another but I also think it's important to remember that our loved ones have also been dealing with the disease. I used to think that "they" didn't (couldn't) understand what I was going through- period. This is true BUT what is also true is that I did not (could not) understand what "they" were going through. Like it has been said - addiction is a family disease - that being so, recovery must also be a family affair.

Katecan

Hey mle, may I suggest that you pray for him and often. I have a step-mother that was really rough on me, when I began praying for her, things got better. So I know it helped.

mle-sober

I have heard that we alcoholics want things done quickly, when we want it. And we get impatient. I don't know if it's possible for a group of people who all have the same disease to share certain character traits. But maybe this is what is going on.

I do believe this is a disease. There's just too much evidence presented to me during my treatment. And I know I did not in any way WANT this disease. I did not try to get it. I was not even aware I was getting it. And as it developed, it maliciously appeared to me as a friend.

Now that I am sober, I do not feel like I should have to be punished for getting this disease. As a sympathetic wife, I feel sorry for how my husband has suffered, particularly from my lying. But I don't feel like I should be treated like a person who has deliberatly gone out and deceived my spouse - I did not have an affair. He continues to liken my alcoholic lying to an affair.

And I do feel like he should not continue to punish me. It's ridiculous. I'm not a small child and I don't need a time out. I'm a grown woman who has suffered enough and who has taken every serious step she can to recover.

And then again, I could just be an impatient drunk who thinks she knows everything. And nothing I think should or shouldn't be happening is in my control unless it is what I myself say or do. I get that. But just because I don't control it doesn't mean I can't hope. Or pray. We have all kinds of things wrong with this world and we allow ourselves to hope and pray for them to change.

I'm sorry if I'm being defensive. I'm just not very good with that "you just have to wait for him" idea. I don't tolerate being treated poorly and waiting around to see if it will get better very well.

I treat him like he's gold. And I've been completely transparent since day one of sobriety. Including as much communication about where I am and what I'm doing as he could take. And not carrying money.

I'm sorry. It's been a hard day.

least

I don't have a significant other but I did lose the trust of my daughter and am trying to win it back. It will take time, I know, but I do get frustrated that we don't have the same close relationship we used to have. What I can't control, however, is how she is dealing with my changing self. Only she can establish a new and better relationship with me. I can only stay sober and work on being a better human being. Don't lose hope. Work on your sobriety and your own feelings. Don't give up. He may yet come around, forgive you and act like it. Just work on making yourself better.

:ghug3

splendra

Hey congrats on the 3 months. Like others have said it takes time...

Understand that your H has probably also gotten emotionally sick from being around while you lied to him. Believing lies makes a person feel very confused.

I have been sober for many years before I met my H. We are going thru his recovery from crack now. I feel a lot of resentment for the mess we are in. I wish I had been stronger and insisted that he get away from me. I am angry at myself too for putting up with all the garbage.

When in a dysfunctional relationship there are 3 roles or games that keep the dysfunction going:
The rescuer, victim, and persecutor.

It might help to see which role you might play in this triangle. I tend to rescue and then persecute. He plays the victim. If I do not rescue him he snaps out of it much faster.

I have to realize what I am doing to keep the dysfunction going. Quitting drinking is a step in the right direction but it does not necessarily make us emotionally sober nor does it heal the damage. It takes work and awareness.

It sounds like your H needs to either get some counseling from someone who knows about the dynamics of a addicted relationship or, he needs to find an alanon group and start working on his issues.

You keep doing your good work, focus on your own recovery and, try to get some detachment from his attitude cause it really is about him not you. You do not have to go there with him. Be gentle with yourself and him.

Freedom1990

The higher my expectations of others, the lower my serenity.

Lily

I don't think he should be punishing you either. I think it sounds like he is pouting as well as manipulating you not to relapse. I think he needs Ala-non or you guys need some counseling. I think if you guys are in separate bedrooms this sounds unhealthy.

Prayers for you! I am sorry this is happening. I guess I need to appreciate my hubby more. blessings, Sheila

22NGONE

MLE,

Hi! Well, I'm thinking you can't control what your husband thinks/does/feels; you can only control yourself. Somebody said at a meeting I went to, "Sometimes the best example you can set is the silence of doing the next right thing." This had great meaning to me and I hope it will to you.

I too have heard it takes time, more than I care to count, sick of it really, but if I look at my sobriety on the radar screen of my life it is but a mere blip on the screen.

Try this the next time he is mean to you, I've been doing it for two days and it seems to help. The next time your husband hurts you in any way, just think to yourself God Bless Him and pray for his happiness.


Look at it this way, he's still there, so you at least have that.

Cheering for Ya,

John

Katecan

Good morning mle. I wonder if it might be helpful for you to attend an Al-Anon meeting? I accidently went to one (thought it was AA) and it was terrific. One lady pointed out this difference between AA and Al-Anon.

Al-Anon = Sanity
AA = Sobriety

If you consider going, get all the literature and maybe a book. Leave them around your home. Hopefully your husband will pick them up and read them.

Just another thought.

ImJulie

~~sigh~~ Oh mle...I so hear ya!

Im just trying to remind myself that whatever resentments he has are his....Ive asked for forgiveness, Ive prayed about it, Im being honest today, and Im trying to become the person I feel our relationship deserves.
Its hard though, to watch hium carry around those hurts and angries when I know I was the source of many of those feelings.

Well....we've been together for 13 years....and it took *us* 13 years to create this mess....its not going to get fixed in a week, or a month.


((hugs))

mle-sober

Thank you. Many good ideas and things to think about.

He's been pretty resistant to Alanon - gone to a few meetings but said he didn't like them. Says he intends to eventually get around to finding another that might be better for him. But he seems unmotivated. Always blames it on how much work he has - he runs his own company.

But I like the idea of me going to alanon. I will do that.

He is in therapy for himself and I know that's good so I keep trying to remind myself that that is a good thing and should count for something.

He's agreed to 1 marriage therapy session. Which is laughable. But he's said that if the therapist thinks we need more, he'll consider it. (We've used her before and she was helpful but she's on maternity leave right now.) I do think he believes that she won't say we need it. He feels like it's almost time for him to stop therapy and that I should be the one going. I am going - can't imagine life without it. But it's kind of funny that his stated plan is for me to go and that should solve the problem,according to his calculations.

My biggest fear is that I will continue to work on me and keep that my focus and he will not take the serious time or effort to grown and change. I will not be in a relationship like that for very long. Life is just too short.

Thank you again. Yesterday was a hard day so this was and is helpful. Thank you.

ImJulie

Oh mle...your worries and struggles are so much like mine. I feel for ya hon, I really do.
For me, I just have to keep trusting that God has a plan for me. I may not always like the plan...it may or may not include my partner....but it includes him today. He's here...in my life, and any anger directed towards me is his hurt and fear...all of which he is entitled to.
It doesnt mean I have to accept abuse of any kind....but it may meqan that any ammends I have to make will be just as uncomfortable for me as my drinking and using was for him.
I hope that makes some sense.
?

splendra

You got that right!!!