10 Years of Failure...Please help.
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10 Years of Failure...Please help.
Hello all!
I'm writing with what I hope can be deciphered as an upbeat tone. I was released from the ER this morning at about 8:00 after OD'in on Adderall and partially shutting down my kidneys. I woke up after the Adavan wore off, and promptly began to start pounding beers and washing down pils. I have 10 years, at the tender age of 21, trying to riddle my way thru this terrible disease of addiction. I am tired, I am sick, and despite my deep fear of the death I am headed to, nothing seems capable of dissuading my from my path of self-destruction. From growing up on the streets and sleeping under bridges, I have gained a life with a beautiful woman I love, a car, and even a place to call home. I stand completely of the verge here, my wife as well. I am desperate for some sense of sanity to return to my life, and without it I will lose the woman that means the most to me. I am being absurdly dramatic, and terribly sarcastic---but I think that's just my personality. I'm reaching out now, with several needs. A friend that understands---I haven't even talked to someone my own age in years, much less someone that has BEEN THERE. Guidance, I have a sponsor, but between him, the therapist, my family, I have too many goddamn people giving their two-cents, and none of it is fitting in. Lastly, I am reaching out of desperation---I'm terrified that this is the begining of the end for me, and despite my best efforts, I have found myself incapable of solving my problems. Maybe someone out there knows the feeling---I'm not a hard ass street kid, I'm a confused "out to do right" young kid from a good family. My life is dissapearing again, and there has to be a way out. Many thanks,
-Skye
I'm writing with what I hope can be deciphered as an upbeat tone. I was released from the ER this morning at about 8:00 after OD'in on Adderall and partially shutting down my kidneys. I woke up after the Adavan wore off, and promptly began to start pounding beers and washing down pils. I have 10 years, at the tender age of 21, trying to riddle my way thru this terrible disease of addiction. I am tired, I am sick, and despite my deep fear of the death I am headed to, nothing seems capable of dissuading my from my path of self-destruction. From growing up on the streets and sleeping under bridges, I have gained a life with a beautiful woman I love, a car, and even a place to call home. I stand completely of the verge here, my wife as well. I am desperate for some sense of sanity to return to my life, and without it I will lose the woman that means the most to me. I am being absurdly dramatic, and terribly sarcastic---but I think that's just my personality. I'm reaching out now, with several needs. A friend that understands---I haven't even talked to someone my own age in years, much less someone that has BEEN THERE. Guidance, I have a sponsor, but between him, the therapist, my family, I have too many goddamn people giving their two-cents, and none of it is fitting in. Lastly, I am reaching out of desperation---I'm terrified that this is the begining of the end for me, and despite my best efforts, I have found myself incapable of solving my problems. Maybe someone out there knows the feeling---I'm not a hard ass street kid, I'm a confused "out to do right" young kid from a good family. My life is dissapearing again, and there has to be a way out. Many thanks,
-Skye
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Location: Dancing in the Light
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Hi Skye,
Welcome and I'm glad you found us!
It's great that you are seeking help and that you realize you need to change your life. There is hope and you can change your life. It's hard, but you can do it. Begin today to make a change. Talk to your dr, because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous. We're here to offer support.
Welcome and I'm glad you found us!
It's great that you are seeking help and that you realize you need to change your life. There is hope and you can change your life. It's hard, but you can do it. Begin today to make a change. Talk to your dr, because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous. We're here to offer support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hi Skye!
glad your here. Keep reading posts and give people time to respond, as parent said - a little slow on weekends.
I came from middle class, fell to poverty, worked my way out and the one constant was my drug and alchohol illness.
This site has been a lifesafer to me. there are many paths out of addiction. Take what helps and leave the rest. It sounds like you have plenty of caring helping people around you. In the end I have to choose a course and begin the journey.
I'm pretty sarcastic sometimes and have a very dark humor.
Welcome
glad your here. Keep reading posts and give people time to respond, as parent said - a little slow on weekends.
I came from middle class, fell to poverty, worked my way out and the one constant was my drug and alchohol illness.
This site has been a lifesafer to me. there are many paths out of addiction. Take what helps and leave the rest. It sounds like you have plenty of caring helping people around you. In the end I have to choose a course and begin the journey.
I'm pretty sarcastic sometimes and have a very dark humor.
Welcome
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hello and Welcome to SR!
Prayer helps me immensley when I am confused.
AA helps me immensley when I work the Steps daily.
Glad you are alive and seeking answers.
Prayer helps me immensley when I am confused.
AA helps me immensley when I work the Steps daily.
Glad you are alive and seeking answers.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Amesbury, MA
Posts: 16
Sarcasm is a Must
Glad to hear I'm not the only one that looks humorously to the negative side of this great party. Thank you for the responses, and I will hopefully keep getting my voice out there. My best wishes, and I will speak with ya'll soon.
-Skye
P.S. I think the wording that the psychs would have preferred is "I will keep getting my voice out there"---supposedly affirmative statements as such inspire more of a positive mental reciprication by creating a definitive link between a statement and an action. Err.....or something like that....
-Skye
P.S. I think the wording that the psychs would have preferred is "I will keep getting my voice out there"---supposedly affirmative statements as such inspire more of a positive mental reciprication by creating a definitive link between a statement and an action. Err.....or something like that....
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It must be infered then Ms. (or Mrs.) Ananda that you may be involved with that oh so perfectly beautiful of career fields known as Psychology---er....or Social Work. Haphazard stab in the dark....who knows what results it will garnish. On a slight side note, I think I'm finally starting to detox a little---I think one of my friends once said (or I imagined it, completely possible) that "human beings are not raquet balls---we only bounce so many times." Great, I feel like ****----and if my heart continues to try and tear a hole through my abdomen, well, I'll just sit here and take it like I should.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Nope Skye - an un-diplomaed self learner, as you can tell by my spelling
I would suggest a dr. visit is in order to be sure about withdrawl symptom control. You may have already done so....I don't always get to read the whole post.
Not to be nosey, but it sounds like you attend AA....have you given yourself a schedule to attend? might help to keep you on track.
I would suggest a dr. visit is in order to be sure about withdrawl symptom control. You may have already done so....I don't always get to read the whole post.
Not to be nosey, but it sounds like you attend AA....have you given yourself a schedule to attend? might help to keep you on track.
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You are right about the doc, but in some respects I feel it is a neccessary (sp?) and well deserved punishment I've brought upon myself. Primarily I'm concerned about whether my body is repairing itself from last nights insanity. I can't seem to keep much water down, and my kidneys were on the edge of failing. Thanks for your delightfull witticism, I think I'll be hanging around the boards here as I try and clean the body.
-Skye
-Skye
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I did miss a point you had though: Yes I have been affiliated with AA for many years, but unfortunetly I find myself in the position of too embarassed to walk back in. Aside from the longwinded stories it would take to explore the full reasoning---in my area all the meetings have been graced with the glorious lunacy of my drunk and preaching in some god forsaken tone of grandiosity. Subsequently of course I would show up the next day shaking like the last leaf on the tree. 10 years of walking in and out, and I think that door is closed---but before anyone else jumps on it: yes I could still go to a meeting, but I choose not to anymore. Be that my disease or I talking, I don't know. Input is always welcome though! I must be overthinking this, which mention it as such, is perhaps overthinking the thinking in and of itself.
Blech!
-Skye
Blech!
-Skye
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Ok SkyeHigh, there's my touch of sarcasm
Yes I have been affiliated with AA for many years, but unfortunetly I find myself in the position of too embarassed to walk back in. Aside from the longwinded stories it would take to explore the full reasoning---in my area all the meetings have been graced with the glorious lunacy of my drunk and preaching in some god forsaken tone of grandiosity. Subsequently of course I would show up the next day shaking like the last leaf on the tree. 10 years of walking in and out, and I think that door is closed---but before anyone else jumps on it: yes I could still go to a meeting, but I choose not to anymore. Be that my disease or I talking, I don't know. Input is always welcome though! I must be overthinking this, which mention it as such, is perhaps overthinking the thinking in and of itself.
But seriously, I had been in and out of AA/NA for 25 years before I "finally got it." It's never too late. The only door that closes in the Program is the lid to one's casket.THAT'S the only time it's too late.
Yes, it's your disease telling you not to go to a meeting. With every meeting we go to and every time something that is said sinks into our minds, it takes just a wee bit more power away from our disease.
As serious as it sounds like your condition was last night, and I'm sure still today, did you leave against medical advice? No, you don't deserve to be suffering at home if your life is at risk. I think we need to feel the pain in order to remember how it feels, but not to the extent of possibly losing your life.
Keep Coming Back It Works IF Your Work It!
Judy
Yes, it's your disease telling you not to go to a meeting. With every meeting we go to and every time something that is said sinks into our minds, it takes just a wee bit more power away from our disease.
As serious as it sounds like your condition was last night, and I'm sure still today, did you leave against medical advice? No, you don't deserve to be suffering at home if your life is at risk. I think we need to feel the pain in order to remember how it feels, but not to the extent of possibly losing your life.
Keep Coming Back It Works IF Your Work It!
Judy
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Thank you Serenity Queen. I hear what your saying about the meetings, it does seem to be the "right thing to do" and I know that. I didn't leave against orders last night, I was given several shots of Adavan (sp?) allowed to relax for a minute, then kicked out the door. Terrible stuff those Benzo's---couldn't think straight all morning, and the supposed reason for them (heart rate) never changed.
Meeting makers make it, eh? Grrrrrr.....that sounds like well thought out reasoning. Blasphemy!
-Skye
Meeting makers make it, eh? Grrrrrr.....that sounds like well thought out reasoning. Blasphemy!
-Skye
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Skye - try to get to a meeting tonight! I go to AA. I had time, then got pissed at AA. A few years later drank. Stayed drunk for 8 or so years. Went back to meetings. finally got sober again. found a spot in aa.
One thing I was told...you earned your chair, don't give it up.
I'll be thinking of you and pulling for you. Let us know how your doing as you go along.
sarcasum and dark humor have not kept me from sobriety
One thing I was told...you earned your chair, don't give it up.
I'll be thinking of you and pulling for you. Let us know how your doing as you go along.
sarcasum and dark humor have not kept me from sobriety
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Ananda,
Such wisdom....wonderful. I have a million reasons why I don't want to go to a meeting tonight, all though none of them really make sense. I will try and use your advice, thank you for it.
Best wishes,
-Skye
Such wisdom....wonderful. I have a million reasons why I don't want to go to a meeting tonight, all though none of them really make sense. I will try and use your advice, thank you for it.
Best wishes,
-Skye
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
From what you've said, it sounds like it's a miracle that you're still alive. I'd go to a meeting, if I were you. Or some sort of recovery program anyway. You're awfully young to die from this. You have a chance at a real life; take it, while it's still available.
:ghug2
:ghug2
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I apologize for the steady stream of posts---just hanging around the area cause it seems safe. Least, thank you for the feedback---do you really think everyone has a chance though? And if so, when does it pass beyond the point of no return? Not pushing negativity out there, just curious what the thoughts are. "Those that were incabable of being truly honest with themselves..." or something to that effect---Honesty isn't an inherent ability I imagine---but how do you direct it inwards. I know I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I accept that if I pick up a drink, it's not stopping till I fall over---hell I even believe in a benevolent and caring "thing" that guides my life for me. But despite awareness of my condition, I seem completely unprepared when the first drink rears its head. Now the big book states that self-knowledge will be incapable of defending against the "first drink"---but in that respect---where is that transition from self awareness to honesty? I love the program of AA (its given me the only 6 months of sobreity I've ever had---aside from the obvious)...but find myself in a cycle from which the next logical step is in embracing a state of self honesty that I am unawre exists. Maybe this is all babble....AA is a wonderful program, but I think I try and outthink it too much. "Simple program, complicated people." *insert typical slogan [easy does it] here*.
-Skye
-Skye
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Despite what some have said....I have seen that there is NO such thing as to smart to get sober.
I did have to start trying to figure out how to apply what was said to me in a way that was benificial and true to me.
I had just been misapplying my brain power. I had to let go of the intellect to some extent to listen with my heart/spirit/whatever.
I did have to start trying to figure out how to apply what was said to me in a way that was benificial and true to me.
I had just been misapplying my brain power. I had to let go of the intellect to some extent to listen with my heart/spirit/whatever.
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Skye - you have to want it so bad that you're willing to grit your teeth and get on with, no matter how painful it get gets.
That is the only way to do it - you can do that with or without support, with support is probably easier - but one way or the other, you have to want it bad.
I know that feeling of desperation, and questioning everything 1,000,000 times until I've explained everything into a convenient pile of sh*t that doesn't work, just so I can avoid it. Sooner or later, something will need to give.
Don't let it be your life that gives, give in to the fact that cannot do this any more - you have to stop for your health and happiness.
You will never be happy if you continue to drink, it will destroy you - as you probably already know.
Have you seen your doc about it? That was a big help to me when I was at my lowest point.
Pleased you are here, keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
That is the only way to do it - you can do that with or without support, with support is probably easier - but one way or the other, you have to want it bad.
I know that feeling of desperation, and questioning everything 1,000,000 times until I've explained everything into a convenient pile of sh*t that doesn't work, just so I can avoid it. Sooner or later, something will need to give.
Don't let it be your life that gives, give in to the fact that cannot do this any more - you have to stop for your health and happiness.
You will never be happy if you continue to drink, it will destroy you - as you probably already know.
Have you seen your doc about it? That was a big help to me when I was at my lowest point.
Pleased you are here, keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Skye,
I'm going to change the tone a little here. I'm not meaning to offend you and sorry if I do. But I don't think your "upbeat tone" fits the circustances.
First of all, I know it's painful and difficult to look seriously and straight at the predicament you are in. I know some part of you is aware of it because you wouldn't be posting what you're posting here. However, I think your jocular and sarcastic manner is a cover for your fear. You have a lot to be fearful of.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a good laugh at the craziness of life sometimes. But I'm saying that you are at a place right now that appears very, very serious. And you can avoid that by not being serious. Or you can take a deep breath, and take the steps you know you need to take.
You are very young but have been seriously struggling with alcoholism and addiction for a long time. You were in such bad shape last night your're kidneys were shutting down. You've already started drinking and taking more pills. You have people in your life who care about you and would help you. You feel that you have stayed out your welcome in AA because of your long-winded drunken speaches. That's the picture how it seems to me in a nutshell.
If I put myself in your shoes, I'd be terrified. I don't know if you pray but the first thing I would do is I would get down on my knees and I would have a long and serious talk with my Higher Power. I would apologize for my past and I would ask for the strength to take the next necessary steps. I would ask for wisdom. I would offer myself to God and ask Him to please, please help direct my course.
I would call one of those people who love you and care about whether you live or die and I would ask them to help me toss all my alcohol and pills. I would be ruthlessly honest about my stashes.
I would then ask my loved one to help me call or get to a doctor so that I could detox safely.
You say this: "I am tired, I am sick, and despite my deep fear of the death I am headed to, nothing seems capable of dissuading me from my path of self-destruction." You know enough to know that you are absolutely on the path to an early death. And you say you are sick and tired but that nothing dissuades you. I almost feel angry when I read those words. It is not up to something else to dissuade you, for Heaven's sake! It's up to you to make a choice!
You say: "I am being absurdly dramatic, and terribly sarcastic---but I think that's just my personality." The situation is absurdly dramatic. It's not just you. That fact that you are sitting here joking about the situation and saying you haven't found anything to dissuade you and you're worn out your welcom at AA, so oh well, better just keep drinking -- that is absurd.
You say: "Guidance, I have a sponsor, but between him, the therapist, my family, I have too many goddamn people giving their two-cents, and none of it is fitting in." Well, you're posting here so I take that you want more people giving their 2 cents. Here's my 2 cents reply: stop using your way and start using AAs way. You're obviously a very smart person. I think you must have issues that go beyond alcoholism. (I myself do so I think I can recognize it in you - plus you have a therapist, say you come from a good family but you grew up on the streets under bridges, etc.) My 2 cents is that you need to stop talking and start working the program. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I think it does. I'm just scared for you.
You say: "I'm terrified that this is the begining of the end for me, and despite my best efforts, I have found myself incapable of solving my problems." I'm terrified for you also. But there is one thing that I know for sure. There is a recipe for recovery. You've gone to AA before and feel embarrassed to go back. Embarassed is nothing compared to death. This time when you go back (after detoxing safely) try to not to use that godforsaken tone of grandiosity. Try for humble. And sober. I'm sure you'll be welcomed back.
I'm rooting for you. And I hope you'll keep posting. I also hope that you will realize that there is no one else here controlling the situation but you. If you have "found yourself" in a situation, it is because you walked into the situation. Now walk yourself out. Many others have done it before you. And you can do it too.
Sorry for the long post.
I'm going to change the tone a little here. I'm not meaning to offend you and sorry if I do. But I don't think your "upbeat tone" fits the circustances.
First of all, I know it's painful and difficult to look seriously and straight at the predicament you are in. I know some part of you is aware of it because you wouldn't be posting what you're posting here. However, I think your jocular and sarcastic manner is a cover for your fear. You have a lot to be fearful of.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a good laugh at the craziness of life sometimes. But I'm saying that you are at a place right now that appears very, very serious. And you can avoid that by not being serious. Or you can take a deep breath, and take the steps you know you need to take.
You are very young but have been seriously struggling with alcoholism and addiction for a long time. You were in such bad shape last night your're kidneys were shutting down. You've already started drinking and taking more pills. You have people in your life who care about you and would help you. You feel that you have stayed out your welcome in AA because of your long-winded drunken speaches. That's the picture how it seems to me in a nutshell.
If I put myself in your shoes, I'd be terrified. I don't know if you pray but the first thing I would do is I would get down on my knees and I would have a long and serious talk with my Higher Power. I would apologize for my past and I would ask for the strength to take the next necessary steps. I would ask for wisdom. I would offer myself to God and ask Him to please, please help direct my course.
I would call one of those people who love you and care about whether you live or die and I would ask them to help me toss all my alcohol and pills. I would be ruthlessly honest about my stashes.
I would then ask my loved one to help me call or get to a doctor so that I could detox safely.
You say this: "I am tired, I am sick, and despite my deep fear of the death I am headed to, nothing seems capable of dissuading me from my path of self-destruction." You know enough to know that you are absolutely on the path to an early death. And you say you are sick and tired but that nothing dissuades you. I almost feel angry when I read those words. It is not up to something else to dissuade you, for Heaven's sake! It's up to you to make a choice!
You say: "I am being absurdly dramatic, and terribly sarcastic---but I think that's just my personality." The situation is absurdly dramatic. It's not just you. That fact that you are sitting here joking about the situation and saying you haven't found anything to dissuade you and you're worn out your welcom at AA, so oh well, better just keep drinking -- that is absurd.
You say: "Guidance, I have a sponsor, but between him, the therapist, my family, I have too many goddamn people giving their two-cents, and none of it is fitting in." Well, you're posting here so I take that you want more people giving their 2 cents. Here's my 2 cents reply: stop using your way and start using AAs way. You're obviously a very smart person. I think you must have issues that go beyond alcoholism. (I myself do so I think I can recognize it in you - plus you have a therapist, say you come from a good family but you grew up on the streets under bridges, etc.) My 2 cents is that you need to stop talking and start working the program. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I think it does. I'm just scared for you.
You say: "I'm terrified that this is the begining of the end for me, and despite my best efforts, I have found myself incapable of solving my problems." I'm terrified for you also. But there is one thing that I know for sure. There is a recipe for recovery. You've gone to AA before and feel embarrassed to go back. Embarassed is nothing compared to death. This time when you go back (after detoxing safely) try to not to use that godforsaken tone of grandiosity. Try for humble. And sober. I'm sure you'll be welcomed back.
I'm rooting for you. And I hope you'll keep posting. I also hope that you will realize that there is no one else here controlling the situation but you. If you have "found yourself" in a situation, it is because you walked into the situation. Now walk yourself out. Many others have done it before you. And you can do it too.
Sorry for the long post.
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