My spouse is still punishing me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
Yes...life is too short.
However...Ive been thinking LOTS about this lately.
The conclusion I came up with was this:
What made me think it would be easy? What gives me the right to rush someone elses recovery? What right do I have to get bent out of shape because he's not acting the way *I* want him to? What right do I have to so easily toss around the idea of bailing on him? (and I do toss around that idea with ease sometimes)
My relationship is in Gods hands.
My recovery is in my hands, with God as my pilot.
However...Ive been thinking LOTS about this lately.
The conclusion I came up with was this:
What made me think it would be easy? What gives me the right to rush someone elses recovery? What right do I have to get bent out of shape because he's not acting the way *I* want him to? What right do I have to so easily toss around the idea of bailing on him? (and I do toss around that idea with ease sometimes)
My relationship is in Gods hands.
My recovery is in my hands, with God as my pilot.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Posts: 111
I’m going to play amateur psychologist for a moment.
I know a couple. Husband cheated and wife found out. Wife obviously felt angry, hurt and betrayed. Husband felt hugely guilty. Wife is a rather manipulative, domineering and angry person. Husband is an appeaser and tends toward the “doormat” side. They seem to be stuck in an endless cycle. She treats him like dirt - rages, belittles, demeans, sulks, blames, etc. He responds by bending over backwards to be nice. The worse she treats him, the nicer and more accommodating he becomes.
Basically, he’s rewarding her bad behavior. I see it sort of like a child throwing a tantrum in the store. Mom can respond either by imposing some sort of consequence, or she can give him a treat to shut him up. The kid given the treat is far more likely to throw a tantrum the next time because he knows he’ll get a treat. He has no motivation to change his behavior, in fact the benefits of his tantrum have been clearly demonstrated to him.
Now I’m not condoning the husband's affair. It was wrong. My point here, is that as long as the husband keeps giving “treats” for the wife’s tantrums, there’s no reason for her change her behavior. I can't imagine that the marriage will last if something doesn't change.
Your situation involved hiding your drinking rather than having an affair, but that sense of betrayal is there. I wonder if the way you’re reacting to his “punishment” could be part of the problem. Maybe not, but I thought I’d just throw that out there.
I know a couple. Husband cheated and wife found out. Wife obviously felt angry, hurt and betrayed. Husband felt hugely guilty. Wife is a rather manipulative, domineering and angry person. Husband is an appeaser and tends toward the “doormat” side. They seem to be stuck in an endless cycle. She treats him like dirt - rages, belittles, demeans, sulks, blames, etc. He responds by bending over backwards to be nice. The worse she treats him, the nicer and more accommodating he becomes.
Basically, he’s rewarding her bad behavior. I see it sort of like a child throwing a tantrum in the store. Mom can respond either by imposing some sort of consequence, or she can give him a treat to shut him up. The kid given the treat is far more likely to throw a tantrum the next time because he knows he’ll get a treat. He has no motivation to change his behavior, in fact the benefits of his tantrum have been clearly demonstrated to him.
Now I’m not condoning the husband's affair. It was wrong. My point here, is that as long as the husband keeps giving “treats” for the wife’s tantrums, there’s no reason for her change her behavior. I can't imagine that the marriage will last if something doesn't change.
Your situation involved hiding your drinking rather than having an affair, but that sense of betrayal is there. I wonder if the way you’re reacting to his “punishment” could be part of the problem. Maybe not, but I thought I’d just throw that out there.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
I have no advice mle... only wanted to say that I commiserate with you. My husband 'punished' me for having a problem and still throws it in my face and uses it for no other reason but to hurt me even now and I've been alcohol free almost 18 months. Yeah yeah I know the spouse and family are affected too blah blah blah but that does not give them the right to treat you poorly and unfairly.
I'm trying to detach from his nonsense right now as it comes up. Not easy.
I'm trying to detach from his nonsense right now as it comes up. Not easy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: www.ericwhitfieldart.com
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by gypsy tears 
Yeah yeah I know the spouse and family are affected too blah blah blah but that does not give them the right to treat you poorly and unfairly.
mle-sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Update:
My husband and I have been talking about this over the last 2 days. And some of it was so difficult. And then we'd have these little break-throughs, like sun shining through. And by the end of the day, something wonderful really happened. Something shifted for him.
I read him this quote from Living Sober:
"We need not be ashamed that we have a disease. It is no disgrace. No one knows exactly why some people become alcoholics while others don't. It is not our fault. We did not want to become alcoholics. We did not try to get this illness.
We did not suffer alcoholism just because we enjoyed it, after all. We did not deliberately, maliciously set out to do the things we were later ashamed of. We did them against our better judgement and instinct because we were really sick, and didn't even know it."
That and the long, difficult but honest discussion (with little breaks to help us collect our thoughts and take a breath) really made a serious shift in my marriage. I slept in the same bed as my husband last night for the first time in almost 3 months. And I am so grateful. He is not looking at me with anger this morning.
I thought I should update you all. Thank you for your help. Being at SR always helps me.
My husband and I have been talking about this over the last 2 days. And some of it was so difficult. And then we'd have these little break-throughs, like sun shining through. And by the end of the day, something wonderful really happened. Something shifted for him.
I read him this quote from Living Sober:
"We need not be ashamed that we have a disease. It is no disgrace. No one knows exactly why some people become alcoholics while others don't. It is not our fault. We did not want to become alcoholics. We did not try to get this illness.
We did not suffer alcoholism just because we enjoyed it, after all. We did not deliberately, maliciously set out to do the things we were later ashamed of. We did them against our better judgement and instinct because we were really sick, and didn't even know it."
That and the long, difficult but honest discussion (with little breaks to help us collect our thoughts and take a breath) really made a serious shift in my marriage. I slept in the same bed as my husband last night for the first time in almost 3 months. And I am so grateful. He is not looking at me with anger this morning.
I thought I should update you all. Thank you for your help. Being at SR always helps me.
Helping Others, Helps Me
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
Thats wonderful news, I am very happy for you. I too lied about my drinking and using to my girlfriend. I too wanted her to forgive me right away and make everything okay, but it is not realistic sometimes. Once again, great news!
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