2many2count

I feel like using again for some reason. The stress here at home makes me want to run to an old habit I broke 15 years ago. I'm feel it at the pit of my stomach and I can't help it. I can't control the urge. It's scary for me becasue of all of the treatment I went through and all of the coping skills I learned while I was i treatment. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to throw my guts up and I just cry and my palms get sweaty and I shake. I have to sit over the air vents to be able to breathe.


Worried in NC,
2many2count

2stop

2many,

Please know that this can be worked through. It's not easy by any means. But there is hope. How about getting out a piece of paper and writing all those coping skills you learned down, then it will be easier to see which one s might be useful today. This too shall pass doesn't sound very convincing during the craving but I am finding it to be true.

Hey, get that list made and share with me(if you want) which one you think might help you today? I'm cheering you on, just take it minute by minute if you have, just don't pick up.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many2count

ok tammie....i'll try. it's been 15 years so i'll share when i get through.


friend in NC
2many

justaround71

2many, I'm here for you. Don't give in, those voices will pass, though it doesn't feel like it. Talking is a good thing, if you want to talk to me, feel free, IM me or just keep posting. Talking about how you feel relieves a lot fo stress and it seems like you might have some! Get to a meeting. and if...IF...you are going to use, call your sponsor first. Pick up the Big Book and read if you can. Just try not and give in. I'm here for you
Hugs

margo

2many - I hear what you are saying, and I understand it completely. However, I know that you know it would be the absolute worst thing you could do. It's not just about you now, it's about your kids, as well, and with your husband the way he is at the moment, who's going to be there for your kids? I'm not judging you, 2many, like I said, I understand, but do WHATEVER you have to do NOT to pick up. You've got too much stress with this other stuff to add a heap of guilt and regret on top of it. Oh, and PRAY for strength and guidance from your HP.

Thinking and saying a prayer for you, 2many. This WILL all be okay, one way or another, but not by that way.

phoenix

Keep talking about it,and writing about it.Feelings have only as much power as we give them.It can seem overwhelming at times,but they always pass.The dark clouds clear away and we walk in the sunlight again.Together,we get through even the most difficult times.

We are here for you.

Hugs,

phoenix

2many2count

I sat and read the Big Book a couple of days ago and it helps some but I never went through NA or AA. I went through a wonderful treatment program for 90 days where I learned how not to surround myself with those who use anymore. To choose new friends. I got a job to occupy my spare time. To never allow myself too much spare time.I went through assertive training to be able to say no when those who couldn't stand me trying to stay clean called me a freak. I learned to love myself again. I learned how to love and cherish my family again and value the boundaries my mother had set for me. It was like a total turn around in my way of living after I left treatment and my mother as well as the rest of my family were very supportive of me for many many years and kept me very occupied. Then I became pregnant when I was 18 and when I gave birth to my first daughter in 1991 she was my inspiration to ultimately stay clean. When I looked into her innocent eyes for the first time I knew that no matter what happened I'd never put her through what I saw other mothers who used put their children through. She was my shining light and I haven't touched anything because I knew it would lead me right back to cocaine. People would offer me a joint and I'd say no. People would offer crank to me after my son was born and I said no. I've always said no to every one that has ever approached me with some form of drugs. Its been a struggle for me and what I don't understand is how people you think are your friends can ask if you want to smoke a joint even though they know how hard it is for me to stay clean. Its been a battle for 15 years and I know if I give in to it I'll be back in the same boat I was in years ago. I do not want that. I just can't stop the cravings.

Thanks for letting me share,
2many2count

2many2count

truelearn...
I am willing to do whatever it takes to feel better.

2many2count

chicken little

Hi 2many

I pray and write about the first step. Addmitting powerlessness seems to make the cravings go away.
And writing about unmanagability makes things managable.

Willing to do anything means calling my sponser, going to meetings and surrendering to the fact that I don't know how to live by myself.

Playing it through is a big one. If you just let the cravings fester then you are working on using. These kind of thoughts need only a passing glance from me.

It is nice not to even consider it as an option. I can move on and do the things that make me better.

I just passed 5 months clean. Pain killers were my drug of choice.

Pain killer, I think that is an oxymoron.

Chicken little cause I'm an addict and over reacting is like the sky is falling.

2many2count

Chicken little....first off welcome to SR. Second...let me say congratulations on 5 months clean. The things you wrote are so true. I'm letting it fester. I can see that but the stresses around me make it so easy for me to let that happen. I printed out the twelve steps and have started with step one. I'm working the steps now and yes it is helping. I have a Big Book and I'm reading that too. I am learning recovery all over again it seems like. If the cravings would go away and the fantasies of using would leave my brain I would feel so much better though....


2many2count

Mikalyn

Chicken Little.

It's so nice to see someone who was addicted to pain killers. I am very addicted to them. Vicodin and percocets. What was your method for becoming clean? Right now I am trying to wean myself off, but my willpower doesn't stay strong for very long. Any advice you can give me to help me get clean would be so greatly appreciated. I spend too much money on pills and I take WAY to many. It seems the more I get, the more I take. I never dreamed I would be where I'm at right now. I remember thinking that the amount I'm taking right now was insane. And here I am.. Unbelievable! I am so disgusted with myself! I'm scared to death of the withdrawals. I've went through them a few times before and I don't ever want to feel that horrible again. But I'm in deep and I really want out, but want to do it slowly so I don't go through the horrible symptoms that come with withdrawal.

I really need help.. Any advice.. Please!
Thanks.. Mikalyn

wishIsedNO

Just take a moment to congradulate yourself..you aint high yet so there must be sumthing u doing...the first steps to a relapse is letting the disease begin to think for ya...Dont beat yourself up..yea u going through some physical urges to use...but thats it..u got look into yourself and see where its coming from..where in your life that when u go through it you feel the most like u wanna use afterwards...then maybe u can find away to avoid or fix it...Do you have an counselor or a sponser??OR anyone that u can talk about these feeling without being persecuted for feeling that way...other then this forum even though its great u can use this place to vent and get advice sometimes (from my counselors mouth) it's best when we talk face to face with someone OR over the phone....I have relapsed this past 3 weeks...and i wish i hadnt cause all i did was awake the sleeping monster... and just like u sed in your post..when i first gave into and was on my way to cop..i had to go inbetween the cars on the train to puke and get some dirty fresh air..i was so nervous and sick with myself that when i got to my guy i was shaking when i gave him the money..he noticed and was like what u working with the cops or sumthing...( since i was gone for almost a year) i was like nah im just alil jumpy i told him i did sum coke since my drug of choice is heroin...but i think that sick feeling is our minds and bodys fighting against the disease...we know its wrong to be feeling the way we do..and our bodys trying to get us to stop..at least im hoping thats what it is...if u wanna know ive been clean since friday and im trying my hardest not to go back..cause that stuff will always be out there to ruin our lives...but for today i dont want the trouble...and i hope u choose peace over chaos too..goodluck and im here for u anytime..Jacqueline..

2many2count

Your post brought it all back home to me. No, I haven't given in to the feelings yet so thats something to be thankful for. I really really understand where you are coming from and I can sympathize with the everyday struggles. It seems that when I have alot of time on my hands the urges are worse for me. This weekend was a test....I went to the beach from Friday to Sunday and I stayed busy the WHOLE time not allowing anytime for DEMON thoughts. It worked. I have to keep myself totally consumed with something to do or else I start to think too much. Now that I'm home it starts again. There just isn't enough cleaning to do or activities where I live. I live in the TOTAL ARMPIT of North Carolina. I quiet farnong town. They grow tobacco and cotton here. You can drive down the road about 4 miles and you can smell the HOG farms! I grew up in Raleigh/ Durham area which is all city. When I left my very threatening ex (he vowed to kill me) I had to move where he'd never find us. That would be dead in the middle of Farm Country,USA!!!!! There is just NOTHING HERE! The smallest mall in America. No YMCA, Nothing but Bingo halls and no thanks, I don't want to go from one addiction to another. My problem is too much time on my hands. When I was in Treatment I was counseled on keeping a full schedule. That really works. It doesn't give Satan enough time to get into your brain and give you those thoughts of deception. I'm for real on this issue. He brings these desperate thoughts into our head becasue we're sitting around thinking too much and BAM...we go right back to where we didn't want to go to start with. My first advice to you would try to keep a totally full schedule for one week and see if I'm right. I mean as soon as you wake up let the schedule begin...even if you have join the Y and go work out for 2 hours. Go see a movie or go window shopping. Get caught up in a good book (we already have a couple of those, you know.) Wax and re-wax your floors. Vacuum twice. Re-make your bed after you've made it once then got on top and jumped on it letting out frustrations. Come here and spens at least 2 hours posting great posts like you just did. This is my goal for the week. Oh yeah, you gotta find time to fit in meetings too. I am gonna keep a totally busy schedule this week and see if it works for me. I bought a spiral notebook yesterday so that I could write down my schedule and I'm gonna do everything in it even if I have to do everything twice. I just have to get better. These feelings have to go away.......

I'm thinking of you and praying for you!!!!!
I'm here for you too, you know!
Your friend in NC,
2many

wishIsedNO

I hear what ya saying..And I know what your saying is true..But its so hard for me to get into things...And I know you probably like how can you say that when i live in NYC..where theres like a zillion things i could do and for free yet..Its just i got no urge to do it..I think its the methadone im on..it just gives me this calm lazy feeling like i dont gotta do nuthing..Since im 14 ive been chasing drugs..and since now im on meth its like im high everyday so i dont gotta do nuthing...Im come off of it and slowely im getting more energy..but with the energy is coming back old feelings and urges to go use..Im going through alot at home with my dad..hes drinking alot and hes a real mean drunk..he never use to be but i think hes going through a mid-life crisis...But i dont wish or need to deal with it..im trying to figure a way i can move out..But the rent is sooo expensive here...I have no friends cause all my friends either use or they remind me of when i used,, and its hard to find new friends especially at my age(22yrs old) and being in nyc everybody already got their lives together..unless their active users or into sumthing else negative...then they be the ones that got time to be friends.... so i cant get a roommate..I do have a bf but rite now hes in detox for xanax I havent talkin to him in like 3 days..Cause he was just getting so jealous over nuthing if i didnt call him at the exact moment i sed i would he thinks im out getting high or cheating on him..so we both feel for him to get better and focus on himself while hes their we wont talk with eachother..But he was the only one i've been talking to for this past year so ive been real stressed and lonely...But im trying to get through at least i waste time at my program...Thank God they got 3 groups there a day..without those groups id probably be going outta my mind...But im trying..i've applied to a few places and hoping they'll call me back..it be great to get a job especially since for a year i havent had any money...But ive been afraid of what could happen with a weekly paycheck..but i cant live in a cubby hole for the rest of my life im young i must go on with my life...Im glad to here you found sumthing that works for you..I hope this week you will stick to your plan and nuthing negative will happen to u...Im here always for a chat..goodluck..Jackie

2many2count

You know what....I hope you get lots of call backs for jobs! I'm gonna say a special prayer for you tonight. I'm glad you are getting to meetings!!!! Try hard to get some motivation together. Its so hard when you feel like this but I know that you can!!!!


Hugs and support,
2many