jazpoppy

I am in a VERY stressful situation (see my posts in "Family and Friends of Alcoholics" for the FULL story).

Short story: My alcoholic ex bf/roommate and my alcoholic mother are driving me nuts (from a distance, I moved away 6 weeks ago), harrasing phone calls from the ex abf, hear-say relayed to me through my dad from my mom about "stealing" her car, the car is in my dad's name too even though they are divorced and he gave me permission to take it, because my mom was in a nursing home because she kept falling down drunk and not getting therapy for her amputated leg and new prosthetic. She is also legally blind in one eye and very close to legally blind in the other, has severe diabetes, and is a chronic alcoholic. Also her license has been suspended because of these issues, so she cannot drive! I need to car to get my son on the weekends, to travel to jobs and interviews (I do free-lance computer support in the Boston area), and basically to LIVE! I cannot afford one of my own right now! I just got a restraining order on my abf for harrassing phone calls to me at my new bf's house, threats to burn the house down, kidnap me, beat up my bf, etc... So life is stressfull!

Anyways, I am trying to stay SOBER. I do take medication for severe arthritis of my spine, neck, left knee, r ankle, degen. disc disease, basically severe chronic pain disorder, and fibromyalsia). I have tried EVERY non-narcotic method of pain control, but I have no insurance and cannot continue to search for these methods with the amount of pain I am in, so my dr gives me methadone (because she says its safer and since I used to go to a methadone clinic I should be OK). They are very strict. I have to refill 2 times a month in person at the doc's office, do urines, pill counts, etc.. So I am VERY good, but I messed up with my last prescription (not YET with this one) and took WAY too many per day in the beginning (like 10 to 12 pills instead of 2 pills every 8 hours which is 6 per day that I am prescribed!) I ended up running out early and suffering with severe pain, I had something else to help with withdrawal (a type of narcotic with naltrexone or narcan in it so you can't get high but it helps w/d). I had to use those, and they are NOT for pain, so I could barely move for 8 days (i ran out 8 days early)!!! I do not want to do this again! I have my new prescription, I gave it to my boyfriend (the new boyfriend, who I was engaged to previously and just got back together with) to hide, and we counted out 1 week's worth for my pill holder. I am doing OK. I have taken 2 days worth in 2 days!!! I have enough left for the week, and they are working much better because of the "detox" I suffered from "screwing up" last month!!!

I need some wisdom, hope, and advice to keep me from "searching" for my bottle, or taking the other days I have left too early to "get a buzz" to "cope" with the craziness! I had even thought about drinking wine! I do need my medication for my condition, and yes, I have been so good with my doctor that I have not asked to be increased in 6 months! So that could be another reason I feel I need more, I wake up in pain each day and go to bed in pain each night, but the middle of the day is OK, so I think I may need them to increase me to 30mg in the AM, 20mg in the afternoon, and 30mg in the evening before bed. My new bf is a drug/alcohol councelor and he thinks this is a rational request to my doctor. I am just afraid she'll think I wanna just get high, so I NEVER ask. Sometimes I do wanna get high, but that last screw-up changed my thinking, I am NOT interested in getting high off these pills TODAY (just for today), I need the pain relieving power so I can walk, work, live a normal life. Any advice will help. Even criticizm. If anyone thinks I am not right for taking narcotic pain relievers please tell me why you think that and where I can get more information about addiction and pain control. Thanks

Luv

Jaz

ksos

Hi and thanks for posting your current situation. I just have a couple of thoughts....I am on a taper of methodone right now since I was sort of "taking" a bit more than I should have, too.

At this time, I would think your Doctor would not be too open to listening to your "self-prescribing" dosing thoughts surrounding the raising of your methodone right after you took twice as much as you were supposed to. I do not know you, but I think that you are looking more for a buzz than pain relief, for there are adjuntive medicines that are often combined with methodone which would enhance the pain management of your condition. Yet, I believe that your MD is not a pain management doctor, as you mentioned that she is your physician. Also, from what you wrote about previously being in a methodone clinic, I am assuming that you have had a prior substance abuse problem. If I am wrong, please forgive me.

My suggestion would be to NOT discuss with your doctor your own ideas of methodone titration. If I heard you do this, I would immediately think you were drug seeking, and, to be honest, what do you think you are doing? Rather, if you truly are in the amount of pain you are in, talk with your MD about the level of pain you are still in. He/she is the one who can make the "right" decision in terms of what would alliviate your pain.

No one here can tell you that you are "not right" for pain management treatment or methodone. What I can tell you is that you should present the issue of pain instead of focusing on methodone. By "raising" your methodone on your own or asking for an increase of that particular drug, you will risk being considered a drug seeking addict, rather than a concientious patient looking for relief.

PS: Pain Management practices are required to have all of their patients who are on scheduled II controlled substances like methodone or oxycontin, to be tested for other controlled substances. For the first three years I was on methodone, I NEVER was tested. I am now tested once every three months, and my MD found out I was also being prescribed other scheduled drugs which I "accidently forgot" to tell him about.

Good luck and I didn't mean to offend you by my assumptions, but your own reported history seems to lead to what I expressed....:sorry

ccgirl2

I can only offer two very specific pieces of advice. Change your phone number to an unlisted one to keep your family away.

Attend some kind of meeting. For me, meetings help me deal with the way I cope with life and its issues without using. I'm sure you'd find someone there with similar situations. Just be careful and choose one carefully. Some, like mine, are open to situations like yours. Some believe if you are using any drug you are not considered in recovery.

If you don't believe or care to go to a meeting, mabye you could go to an addiction counsellor who could help you learn to cope with your situation.

One more thing I just thought of. How about non-drug therapies along with the meds? Yoga? Physical therapy, etc?

You really do need to talk to your doctor and if your'e not happy with him/her, I would find another.

jazpoppy

Thanks for advice ksos and ccgirl. ksos, I really do have uncontrollable pain conditions, and I do use other therapies (such as exercise, advil, bengay pain patches, and muscle rubs). I was in the clinic mostly for pain control rather than adiction (I would prefer suboxone for addiction only). The pain came after I had been sober for a year or so. I mostly do fine, except this past month from the stress. My doctor is very good I don't want to leave. I also don't want to be "dumped" cold off my pain plan so I am careful, but just needed to hear some good hard advice and maybe get a little "verbal encouragement/"beating" for the relapse. I could skip a couple of days of methadone dosing at the clinic because they put me up too high, and I wanted to go down quicker than they would let me. They were impressed with me, they said that most people whined if they missed one dose. I want to make sure I NEVER screw up again! I do have someone holding my medication for me and dispensing it daily, and I am going to attend more meetings as long as I need to. I am also going to enroll in addiction counceling once my medicaid kicks in. I think those steps will help. But I needed to post my shame, so that I can read this thread each time I feel like taking "extra" meds, drinking, or taking other meds not prescribed to me. I almost wanted to ask the administrator of this site to ERASE this thread because I am so embarrased of myself! But I am leaving it right here as a reminder that I do still have the disease of addiction and need to BE CAREFUL, and attend meetings and continue to get help, especially reguarding pain control and addiction. I am going to be true to my contract and use non-narcotic pain relief methods instead of asking for an increase of my methadone unless my doctor decides to increase it themself.

Thanks

Jaz

serenityqueen

I can identify with one thing very clearly, I too, suffer from chronic pain. I have Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I'm 45, used for 32 years, DOC was opiates for about 25 of those years.

When I was trying to get Clean & Sober, I struggled with the pain as well. I had taken about every non narcotic pain med known to man, tens units, muscle rubs, heat packs, ice packs, you name it, I tried it. The last time I was in Detox, the Addictionologist Dr. recommended MMT for me. This, for me, has been a God send. Individuals who are addicted to opiates and with chronic pain have a difficult time when there are pain control issues mixed in with being clean, sober and in Recovery. I know. Believe me.

This particular doctor recommended MMT to obviously help with my addiction but also with pain control. It works wonders. I also have to take other meds such as anti inflammatories, steroids (unfortunately) a cancer med and also a few others that are usually prescribed for believe it or not Malaria. I basically take a wide assortment of meds and when my Methadone is added daily, in one dose at the Clinic I go to, my pain is tolerable. Now, mind you, I said tolerable. I still have pain, I know that nothing is going to get rid of all the pain. I had to accept that. I also know I can't leave one of these meds out, they all work together. Just like in my Recovery, I can't leave out one of the different means of support and treatment I have. I go to regular meetings, (I attend more when times get tough) work w/my Sponsor, have a close and loving relationship w/my HP, group and individual therapy at the Clinic and now, SR is part of my Program along with my daily Methadone dose.

I have not used any other drugs or alcohol since July 25, 2005. I get take home doses at the Clinic and have never even been tempted to take an extra dose. I could go to a pain clinic I'm sure to get Methadone but I don't have insurance to pay for the doctors visit. But also, I need the reminder the couple times of a week when I do go to the Clinic for dosing and to get my take homes. I need to always remember that I am an addict. I cannot take any other mood altering substances, ever. In Sept. of 06, in a five day period, I blew my knee out (on top of the daily pain I have), my Father passed away and my Mom fell, broke her cheekbone, nose and had stitches all over her face. I had no desire whatsoever to take an extra dose, find any other pills, pick up a drink, smoke a joint, do a line, nothing.

In my Recovery Program as well as in my Pain Control Program, I know I can't leave out one single part of what works for me. If I do, it could be very hazardous.

Finally, (yes, I know I get winded but when I believe strongly about something I can go on and on and on . . .) in my opinion, I think you may be looking for a buzz by asking for a raise in your dose considering you recently abused the Methadone. Also, with family issues, you seem to be under a great deal of stress. And as addicts, we want to numb the stress, dull the senses. And what better way to do that than with some pain killers.


Thanks for helping to make folks aware that sometimes Methadone is necessary and does benefit some of us in Recovery. I get tired of getting so much flack for something that has played a part in my entire life change for the better!

ksos

Hi Jaz....

This post sounds like the exact opposite of what I responded to, and forgive me for perhaps misreading what you initially wrote.

I personally like ccgirl's post as it relates to all of us who are struggling with pain situations, as I also have a pain condition, but as I have admitted to the forum, I also am an addict, so I can only discuss healthy ways to deal with the pain issue.

Your second post seems to be much clearer to me, and I cannot say how impressed I am with your plan of sobriety.

Oh, and I only beat myself up, so I cannot spare the time to do that to you

Don't kick yourself so much, Jaz. A relapse is not fall from grace. It is part of the journey we all take on this unique road to our goal of sobriety!

Maybe it is best to keep your post on, if you find it helpful?

By the way, SerenityQueen, kudos to your ability to have endured serious loss and anguish without picking up illicit drugs. And it is important to highlight that Methodone is frequently used as a pain management medication, for, according to my pain management MD, it is remarkably effective and, when used as prescribed, many people can go on and live peaceful, productive, and pain free lives.

I am frightened of my own situation with my methodone taper, as I am due to go down to 60 MGs in a week...but that is another topic, and I do not wish to derail the gist of the thread.

jazpoppy

Thanks SQ and ksos. SQ - I was looking for a buzz, but am not now. I do not like the way overusing methadone makes me feel (I get quite sick to my stomach) so I took the extra dose last month got sick to my stomach, fell asleep and felt awful, so that reminded me of why I chose methadone in the first place, it doesn't feel "good" to me like oxy or percoset, it can make me quite sick and I do have a healty fear of overdose so I backed off really quick. I also decided not to ask for an increase, my doctor ajusts my medication by asking a series of questions that are in my opinion "fool proof" and she had already asked if I may need to be raised and I said no, so that's the only reason I was thinking of asking because it was brought up recently. I am going to leave that up to her, because I was using Lyrica but became very swollen in my hands/feet and legs so she took me off of it and it did help for pain so there may be another non-narcotic "break through" medicine I can take.

Anyways I am not abusing this month's supply at all. I am not even thinking about it! I NEVER want to run out early again, and I NEVER want to feel sick from taking too much! Its too easy to overdose on methadone, and I would rather just take what works for my pain. If I started taking more and more on my own, my bf would make me taper off of it and switch back to Sub. Sub didn't work well for my pain, but at that point I had more acute pain as I had just had an accident and tried sub for about 3 months before switching to methadone because it was ineffective for pain, but GREAT for cravings and staying sober, I do admit! If I had NO pain, I would stick with Sub for detox and maintenance if I needed to maintain. It is a wonder-med for people that just can't quit!

Luv

Jaz

Latte

I have many chronic pain sufferer friends. Most of them are not addicts/alcoholics and I frequently ask them (they know I am an addict) what they think. They have a different though process than I do and they have suggested some awesome things to help with pain (life and physical).

I wish you strength.

jazpoppy

Thankyou-Latte(sorry-my-spacebar-is-broken-AGAIN).

Luv

Jaz

ksos

Hi Jaz...

I returned to this thread because I am sort of in the same situation with my pain medication therapy. I've been on Methadone and Neurontin since 2004 due to Chronic Pancreatitis. Around 3 months back, I sabataged myself by lying to my doc regarding my "real" level of pain, resulting in him raising my daily dose, adding another narcotic for "breakthrough" pain, and actually manipulating him to the point that he would let me miss an appointment and personally walk to the pharmacy near his practice in order to drop my prescription off!

As you know, I admitted to him and my other MDs that I was a drug addict and I am now on a strict regimen whereby I have to be tested at random, have had my methadone reduced to 90 MG from 150 MG in a month's time, and he is now instituting a new therapy which will be non-narcotic injections in my back which he said will also help my pancreatic pain.

I have also "run out" of my methadone early, and I have gotton high off of this medicine. There used to be this myth that a dope addict could not get high off of methadone, but as we both know, that is false. Even though my pain is very real, I risk that horrific withdrawal like you do, when I run out early.

I think we always have to be reminded that we are very lucky that there is a medication that actually relieves our pain and remember how bad it could be if we ruin this situation for ourselves. You asked me on another thread if I was thinking of getting off the methadone completely and manage my pain with non-narcotic methods. I wish I knew more about these methods, since my MD even says that methadone may be a life-long situation for me, no matter how much of an addict I am. This scares me since I have this "tendency" to "screw" it all up....

You mention Lyrica, which I have heard about and know it is used by pain management MDs. I have to research more non-narcotic ways which would assist me in pain management, since it is a real issue. But so is my opiate addiction--It really is a catch 22 for me, since the one good thing about the methadone is that I never, ever think about H, or Oxys, or Hydros anymore. But I also have abused the methadone...so what is the answer????

ccgirl2

I would never criticize anyone for a doctor prescribed regime. I would watch out for your thought processes though, because they sound like they're starting to look for excuses to use more; justification to use more.