I've lost the war...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 2
I've lost the war...
Hello everyone. I am a 25 year old male and I have hit rock bottom. This is going to be a long story, but I need to tell it. Before I start, I understand that there is always someone worse off than myself, but that has not helped me.
I had a great job as a network administrator, and just got into a relationship with another employee working in the same building. I was 22 at this time. I have never had a drink before in my life and was never even interested in the idea. Then a friend that I have not seen in a long time was hired on as the IT manager. We had a great time catching up and worked really well together. One night, he asked if I would like to join him and the rest of our department at a local bar after work. I had nothing planned and decided I would go with them and have a good time. Well, I decided to have my first drink. And then another, and another, and so on. Not even a few hours later I was trashed. I had to have another friend take me home and was sick the whole night. Then next day, I approached my girlfriend at work to give her some cigarettes. When I started to talk to her she looked at me with disgust and proceeded to tell me that I had called her and was screaming at her about a number of things while I was drunk. Naturally I was embarrassed because I didn't remember much of anything. Well that was my first warning that I ignored. I started going out more frequently. I enjoyed that "happy time" before I got drunk. It got so bad that I became "friends" with the employees of this bar and started hanging out after hours. I almost lost my girlfriend and her daughter who at this point I had fallen in love with and called her my "kinda-mine." So I backed off all the partying. In April of 2005 I was informed that my sister was sick and needed help with money for treatment. Well, I had depleted my savings on alcohol and had no cash. I was so desperate that I started selling PC's my employer had purchased on ebay to help cover the costs. After I got the money I needed I didn't stop. I needed more money to drink. Well, in May 2005 I was arrested. However, I was still given my last paychecks and a bonus. My girlfriend, a friend of 17 years, and his fiancé were also fired because they knew me. After I bonded out of jail, the first place I went was the bar. It didn't stop. I drank and drank. When the money ran out I resorted to getting credit cards in my mom and dads name. I had my 10 year old nephew steal money from my girlfriends purse to pay my tab. And to top it all off, I ran up 4k dollars in charges on the same sick sisters credit cards! I finally fessed up to everything and everyone stood behind me and tried to help. I did OK for about a month. I tried and tried and tried to get jobs but I couldn't get one with my record. I tried everything. When I finally got a job changing oil I lost it because I went to the bar on my freaking lunch breaks! (As I am typing this I am getting angry at how stupid I was) The last straw happened Tuesday. I had been going out to the bar and spending money out of my girlfriends account and then doing whatever it took to cover it up and eventually replace the money only to go spend it again. She finally realized what I had been doing and kicked me to the curb. I was stealing money not only from her, but her 5 year old daughter as well. She fell 2 months behind on the mortgage because of me. Now, the past 3 years compiled on top of what just happened has hit me full force. I can't sleep now. I miss them so much and she wants nothing to do with me. I can't even see my "kinda-mine" anymore. I feel so helpless. I don't blame her at all for any of this because she gave me so many chances and I screwed up every time. I don't have a job, I can't seem to go one night without wondering what is going on during happy hour at the bar. I care more about the people I drink with than the 2 people that I feel I can't be without in my life. I know I need to get to AA meetings, but I'm so depressed that all I want to do is go to the bar and forget. I know people struggle with this everyday, but as I stated, those thoughts do nothing for me as I have learned that I am a ridiculously selfish person. I don't know what to do.
I apologize for the long thread, but I felt I needed to get the whole story out for everyone to understand my situation. Thank you for taking the time to read.
I had a great job as a network administrator, and just got into a relationship with another employee working in the same building. I was 22 at this time. I have never had a drink before in my life and was never even interested in the idea. Then a friend that I have not seen in a long time was hired on as the IT manager. We had a great time catching up and worked really well together. One night, he asked if I would like to join him and the rest of our department at a local bar after work. I had nothing planned and decided I would go with them and have a good time. Well, I decided to have my first drink. And then another, and another, and so on. Not even a few hours later I was trashed. I had to have another friend take me home and was sick the whole night. Then next day, I approached my girlfriend at work to give her some cigarettes. When I started to talk to her she looked at me with disgust and proceeded to tell me that I had called her and was screaming at her about a number of things while I was drunk. Naturally I was embarrassed because I didn't remember much of anything. Well that was my first warning that I ignored. I started going out more frequently. I enjoyed that "happy time" before I got drunk. It got so bad that I became "friends" with the employees of this bar and started hanging out after hours. I almost lost my girlfriend and her daughter who at this point I had fallen in love with and called her my "kinda-mine." So I backed off all the partying. In April of 2005 I was informed that my sister was sick and needed help with money for treatment. Well, I had depleted my savings on alcohol and had no cash. I was so desperate that I started selling PC's my employer had purchased on ebay to help cover the costs. After I got the money I needed I didn't stop. I needed more money to drink. Well, in May 2005 I was arrested. However, I was still given my last paychecks and a bonus. My girlfriend, a friend of 17 years, and his fiancé were also fired because they knew me. After I bonded out of jail, the first place I went was the bar. It didn't stop. I drank and drank. When the money ran out I resorted to getting credit cards in my mom and dads name. I had my 10 year old nephew steal money from my girlfriends purse to pay my tab. And to top it all off, I ran up 4k dollars in charges on the same sick sisters credit cards! I finally fessed up to everything and everyone stood behind me and tried to help. I did OK for about a month. I tried and tried and tried to get jobs but I couldn't get one with my record. I tried everything. When I finally got a job changing oil I lost it because I went to the bar on my freaking lunch breaks! (As I am typing this I am getting angry at how stupid I was) The last straw happened Tuesday. I had been going out to the bar and spending money out of my girlfriends account and then doing whatever it took to cover it up and eventually replace the money only to go spend it again. She finally realized what I had been doing and kicked me to the curb. I was stealing money not only from her, but her 5 year old daughter as well. She fell 2 months behind on the mortgage because of me. Now, the past 3 years compiled on top of what just happened has hit me full force. I can't sleep now. I miss them so much and she wants nothing to do with me. I can't even see my "kinda-mine" anymore. I feel so helpless. I don't blame her at all for any of this because she gave me so many chances and I screwed up every time. I don't have a job, I can't seem to go one night without wondering what is going on during happy hour at the bar. I care more about the people I drink with than the 2 people that I feel I can't be without in my life. I know I need to get to AA meetings, but I'm so depressed that all I want to do is go to the bar and forget. I know people struggle with this everyday, but as I stated, those thoughts do nothing for me as I have learned that I am a ridiculously selfish person. I don't know what to do.
I apologize for the long thread, but I felt I needed to get the whole story out for everyone to understand my situation. Thank you for taking the time to read.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by anditwaserik 
I don't know what to do.
We do some dumb things when we drink yes?
The fear of repeating them is what brought me to say...No more.
The people at the AA meetings do know what to do. Get to a meeting and ask them.
AA has solutions that work.
You have two things going for you...
Your young still and your at the bottom of your pit. You can only go one way from the bottom...Up.
It may be a tough climb out but let me tell you this... The view is great once we get out. Life is so much better sober.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi Erik, 
I hope you find an AA Meeting and get to one as soon as possible. You state that you do recognize your problem. Now it is time to ask for more help and do it!!! :atv
Keep coming back...we will be looking for you! :comfort
kelsh
I hope you find an AA Meeting and get to one as soon as possible. You state that you do recognize your problem. Now it is time to ask for more help and do it!!! :atv
Keep coming back...we will be looking for you! :comfort
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
You mean you havn't gone through your drinking buddies don't
want you around either stage yet?
mmm less and less of them around, now that the well run dried, huh?
It's not that hard, it is the easier softer way.
Many had gone before you, laid a path and found a way out.
you actaully have alot going for you..yeah us bottom feeders.lol
No job, no money, no honey, no babies, no treament centers jacuzee.lol
NO DISTRACTIONS. No one around to force you to do anything you
don't want to do. it cuts right through all of the BS.
With no one around...it became quit clear..
I have to do it for myself.....it's much more simpler this way.
Decisions, decisions...sometimes you just gatta suit up and show up.
it's a bit backward..but sometimes the body has to go fisrt before the
mind can catch up..
you know..the yo , yo thinking. I'll go , mmm..nah.lol
want you around either stage yet?
mmm less and less of them around, now that the well run dried, huh?
It's not that hard, it is the easier softer way.
Many had gone before you, laid a path and found a way out.
you actaully have alot going for you..yeah us bottom feeders.lol
No job, no money, no honey, no babies, no treament centers jacuzee.lol
NO DISTRACTIONS. No one around to force you to do anything you
don't want to do. it cuts right through all of the BS.
With no one around...it became quit clear..
I have to do it for myself.....it's much more simpler this way.
Decisions, decisions...sometimes you just gatta suit up and show up.
it's a bit backward..but sometimes the body has to go fisrt before the
mind can catch up..
you know..the yo , yo thinking. I'll go , mmm..nah.lol
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,611
Welcome,
You said you don't know what to do. Do you want to stop drinking? If so, don't drink today. Don't buy any alcohol. Take a different route home from work and do something different this evening to take your mind off things. It's always a good idea to be checked by your dr before stopping alcohol.
Early sobriety is a time to learn patience. I so desparately wanted my family to understand why this had happened to me. They didn't want to know, they just wanted me to get better. I had to be patient and the only thing I could do was to stay sober and show them through my actions that I was changing.
You said you don't know what to do. Do you want to stop drinking? If so, don't drink today. Don't buy any alcohol. Take a different route home from work and do something different this evening to take your mind off things. It's always a good idea to be checked by your dr before stopping alcohol.
Early sobriety is a time to learn patience. I so desparately wanted my family to understand why this had happened to me. They didn't want to know, they just wanted me to get better. I had to be patient and the only thing I could do was to stay sober and show them through my actions that I was changing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Alive
Posts: 168
Andi,
It all begins with the first step! You cannot undo the past but you CAN write a different future. All with taking that first step. Is there an in house program to help you get started...the local hospital maybe? You are drowning right now, literally, but the changes can & will come with taking action. One day hopefully with sobriety you will be able to make amends to those hurt in the past, but, that is down the road. Now you must work on getting well. My prayers and hugs to you! Julie
It all begins with the first step! You cannot undo the past but you CAN write a different future. All with taking that first step. Is there an in house program to help you get started...the local hospital maybe? You are drowning right now, literally, but the changes can & will come with taking action. One day hopefully with sobriety you will be able to make amends to those hurt in the past, but, that is down the road. Now you must work on getting well. My prayers and hugs to you! Julie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Berea,Ohio
Posts: 397
Your ability to be this honest shows that you feel remorse for hurting the people you love.You are in the grip of something much more powerful than you.You wouldn't be here if you didn't know that.You lost control a long time ago.Call your local AA office and see if they can have someone get you to some meetings.You need support right now, and you should go on your own, but you need to realize you are not alone.You will justify your drinking because it is part of your sickness,and I do emphasize "a part".What you have become goes far deeper than any bottle or glass of alcohol can let you forget.
Take the way you feel to heart and get help.You have to be strong enough to admit you cannot do this alone, we have been where you are, we know how you feel.
Take the way you feel to heart and get help.You have to be strong enough to admit you cannot do this alone, we have been where you are, we know how you feel.
Lurker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Western NC
Posts: 783
Welcome Andi,
You have taken the first steps towards recovery. Get to an AA meeting. Get a sponcer, and do what he tells you. It may take a little while, but things will get better. Keep it simple, and just work on not drinking today.
You have taken the first steps towards recovery. Get to an AA meeting. Get a sponcer, and do what he tells you. It may take a little while, but things will get better. Keep it simple, and just work on not drinking today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Hi Andi!
Welcome! You'll find the people on here are really great and often have allot of good advice to share.
Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend and her son/daughter. That's very sad. I guess you must feel as if a big part of your future has been lost. However, trust me, you'll find someone else to love.
Are you still drinking?
Let us know how you get on.
Good luck!
Welcome! You'll find the people on here are really great and often have allot of good advice to share.
Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend and her son/daughter. That's very sad. I guess you must feel as if a big part of your future has been lost. However, trust me, you'll find someone else to love.
Are you still drinking?
Let us know how you get on.
Good luck!
one of many
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ellisville, FL
Posts: 200
Andi, first of all thank you for sharing your story with us. Although you can't see it now, this pain can be the motivator which will save your life. Get to AA and tell them whats going on, you will find people who will bend over backwards to help you get well. Remember we are not immoral people trying to get moral. We are sick people trying to get well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Hi:
You titled your thread "I have lost the war". In any war, there are many battles to be fought, and there are turning points. Addiction is a formiddable foe, so much so that you will not be able to defeat it on your own. You need support.
You say that you have lost the war. What war were you in? There are several ways I could interpret what you said and that is why I ask. You were in a war against God, in a state of rebellion, and now you admit defeat. You surrender. You submit to the victor's will. That's one way of interpreting what you said. The other way of interpreting what you said is that you believe you are washed up. You lost the war on your addiction. The truth is I don't think that you have lost the war. I think that you have just begun to fight.
You titled your thread "I have lost the war". In any war, there are many battles to be fought, and there are turning points. Addiction is a formiddable foe, so much so that you will not be able to defeat it on your own. You need support.
You say that you have lost the war. What war were you in? There are several ways I could interpret what you said and that is why I ask. You were in a war against God, in a state of rebellion, and now you admit defeat. You surrender. You submit to the victor's will. That's one way of interpreting what you said. The other way of interpreting what you said is that you believe you are washed up. You lost the war on your addiction. The truth is I don't think that you have lost the war. I think that you have just begun to fight.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Originally Posted by ccirider
Hi:
You titled your thread "I have lost the war". In any war, there are many battles to be fought, and there are turning points. Addiction is a formiddable foe, so much so that you will not be able to defeat it on your own. You need support.
You say that you have lost the war. What war were you in? There are several ways I could interpret what you said and that is why I ask. You were in a war against God, in a state of rebellion, and now you admit defeat. You surrender. You submit to the victor's will. That's one way of interpreting what you said. The other way of interpreting what you said is that you believe you are washed up. You lost the war on your addiction. The truth is I don't think that you have lost the war. I think that you have just begun to fight.
You titled your thread "I have lost the war". In any war, there are many battles to be fought, and there are turning points. Addiction is a formiddable foe, so much so that you will not be able to defeat it on your own. You need support.
You say that you have lost the war. What war were you in? There are several ways I could interpret what you said and that is why I ask. You were in a war against God, in a state of rebellion, and now you admit defeat. You surrender. You submit to the victor's will. That's one way of interpreting what you said. The other way of interpreting what you said is that you believe you are washed up. You lost the war on your addiction. The truth is I don't think that you have lost the war. I think that you have just begun to fight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by aldo1980
I agree with ccirider. You may have lost a battle but if you've quit drinking you've won the war.
Nice to meet you. I took the time to read your story and I wish you the best of luck in life. You may look at your addiction problem as a curse, but it could turn out to be the biggest blessing that ever happened to you. Life is a paradox. Your darkest hour may be your brightest hour. If you were in a brightly lit room, you wouldn't notice the light of a candle. Turn off the lights, and the light of the candle is like the sun in the room. Okay, it's not like the sun, but you get my point. What I am saying is that while everyone else is overlooking the candlelight in the room, you are not because you have seen the candlelight in the darkness. While everyone else is taking the candlelight for granted, you are not because you were grateful for the candlelight in the darkness. Because of your addiction you know the dark side of life, so you are going to understand some things in life that are very difficult for many people to understand. That is something to be grateful for, and you wouldn't have understood what you do now if you hadn't been an addict.
I hope that you don't think that I am preaching to you, but I just wanted to say something to you and what you read is what flowed out of me. I am 54 years old and new to the forum, but am not new to addiction. I wish I was 26 and knew what I know now at 54. I am not saying be thankful that you were an addict, but I guess I am saying be thankful that you were an addict. Like I said, life is paradoxical. So long for now Aldo and nice to meet you my kindred spirit.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 146
hi andit. it seems very easy to have gotten yourself in this situation probably doesn't it. Almost like it was a whirlpool that sucked you down to rock bottom with ease. Well, what if I told you that getting yourself out of this was easier than it was getting tugged downwards. Well it is. See, you had to work a bit to drink. You had to expend some effort to drink. Now, if you choose, you needn't do anything at all.
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