Need4Change

Hi everyone

I have not posted here in a long time. I have managed to bring my drinking down to between 8-10 beers every other day rather than 8-10 beers every single day but the hangovers, wether I drink 1 beer or 10 beers seem to be just as bad and I feel just as sick the following day.

I no longer get cravings for some reason. I drink one day, then wake up the next morning feeling like I've just been lobotomized. Then, toward the evening I start to recover and feel a little bit better and by the following morning, I am feeling pretty normal and in control again. I feel good until about noon when I start feeling really crappy, bored, anxious, stressed, etc and that's when I head straight for the fridge for a beer. Wash, rinse, repeat as they say. I can't seem to break this cycle.

I've tried "the steps". I've tried all the miracle pills. I've prayed, cried, talked to people and done just about everything I can do but I almost feel like I have run out of options and so am now forced to "manage" my drinking rather than quitting altogether. From what I have read, it seems that I am not the only person who has tried everything and yet has still been unable to quit. I'm also not the only person for whom AA has not worked - even as it is heavily touted on this forum.

Anyway, I just wanted to share and I wanted to reach out and talk to someone. Being an alocholic is a very lonely, depressing and hopeless feeling. This is not at all the way I expected to spend my "later years", retirement, etc. I'm so sick of being drunk or hungover on Christmas, when the family comes to visit, etc. I just want to feel normal again and I want to stay that way but that lofty goal seems to elude me.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Thanks for listening and to all of you who have had the good fortune to remain abstinant for month or even years, I really envy you because not all of us are that strong and not all of us have been helped by doing the steps or popping a magic pill. I'll keep taking it one day at a time. I'll keep trying. Hopefully, I'll make it one of these days and oh what a wonderful and joyous feeling that will be.

Need4Change

Missymae737

We understand what you are going through...

For myself, I had to surrender completely...It took losing most things that were important to me...I didn't have any other options but death...I had experienced it all but death...

Keep posting here...:comfort

Thentram

Hi Need4Change,

Boy, does that cycle sound familiar. I can't count the number of mornings I woke up after drinking wishing I had a clear head and more sleep. "This is it, no more" I would tell myself. By noon I would feel fine and would already be looking forward to getting home and drinking.

The feelings you mentioned: bored, anxious, stressed... I felt every one and it seemed like drinking would alleviate it all. What helped me was forcing myself to see that I was anxious to drink, stressed about how I was going to get enough alcohol that night (and not let those around me know how much I was drinking), and bored because the thought of doing anything without drinking just didn't seem fun.

The problem is, alcohol isn't the answer to these things, its the cause. My desire to quit came from hating how I felt all these things and realizing that being drunk on top of it all just made it worse. I still feel anxious, stressed, and bored, but not as much as I did and I know that drinking is just a method of postponing those feelings while making you feel like crap in the process.

whittenboy

Hello need for change and welcome,
It is not the pills or the 12 steps that didn't work. It is you. If you truly want to quit you will. You are rationalizing the cutting back. I know I try to do it everyday also. I just have to wake up and say to myself I will not drink today! Some of us new to this slip, it is good that your consumption has deceased! If need be, cut it further back ti five every other day till it is none. LOOK FOR TRIGGERS!!! learn to recognize them and change what your are doing. Get out of the house. Pick up a hobby, go for a walk, Or come here and write out how you are feeling. It will not be long as some one will reply with support.
Good luck and keep us posted. We all need support, thats why we are here. For each other.

Anna

Hi,

I do understand how discouraged you feel.

But, you cannot look for programs or pills or books to make you stop drinking. It is something you just need to do. Talk to your dr, and then today, don't drink. Don't buy alcohol. You can get through it, you really can.

Aysha

If anyone understands...It is me. I am caught in what seems like an endless cycle as well.
But I DO know that it falls on me because of it.
I too dont like the meetings and programs and things like that.
They have worked for countless people. But it just isnt for everyone.
I have tried them all. It just isnt my thing.
Now one thing I havent done is completely surrendering and just saying " I cant beat this alone."
I dont believe you need a "program" to get clean.
Don't crucify me all.
I believe if you are really , truely and seriously ready to stop. it can be done with support and encouragement that suits you.
I am not a Dr. or a counselor. I am just going by my own experience and what I think would work for myself.
My problem is...and I will be the first to admit it.
I do want to be clean and sober more than anything. But there still is that tiny little bit of me that wants to keep getting high.
It's sad and it makes me very angry.
But all I can be is honest about myself.
But I will say that everytime I do slip. That tiny little bit gets smaller and smaller.
Not an excuse and life happens...I may not get that chance to completely kill that little bit thats left.
So I have a decision to make.
Either DO I...or DONT I want to be clean?
I do. How bout you?
I keep going back to what I heard so many times.
Look at what you have gone through to use. Now what are you willing to do to get sober?
That has alot of meaning to me and makes so much sense it's incredible how simple it sounds.
It is the realest...truest thing I have ever heard anyone say to me on my addiction.

I am going to quit rambling. Sorry for that.
I just hope you know there are more people here than you think that understand exactly what you are going through. Even a few of us living it with you.
You can do it. You have to really want it.
I too envy the ones that have the strength to get it right.
But they had to work for it.
Reading your post really made me think about myself alot.
You are never alone.
Dont ever think it cant be you too with clean time.
Because it can. For you...me..and anyone else who wants it bad enough.

Ghostlight

I can totqlly relate. I was in the exact same cycle.
Even just drinking every other day, very recently, when I quit five days ago I still had mild withdrawal.

I'm not giving up, though. I'm going to my first AA meeting tonight if I can handle the anxiety and the idea that 'this is it'. If I continue to drink, even every other day I will die.
There is no moderation for me. It's all or nothing.

You're not alone, and please don't stop trying. I know I won't.

Best,

Ghost

miss communicat

Controlled drinking, or "management" of consumption of alcohol (poison) is not sane if it makes one feel bad to drink alcohol. I cannot say whether or not you have the disease of alcoholism, but it has been my experience as an alcoholic myself that I needed to quit, not just manage or pause in my consumption of alcohol.

Like others have said, it takes a firm 100% commitment to change, in order to change. I hate to hear you suffer for so long. There is help for you if you want it.

I wish you the very best!

miss communicat

Tried the steps? AA has not worked for you?

Friend, when you are ready to quit, those steps will be very attractive, as they may be the only way out of despair and sickness. AA does not have to work "for you". YOU have to work your recovery as if your very life depends on it.

For me, the steps are not something I "did"... They are a way of living and growing. All it requires is abstinence from alcohol plus honesty, openmindedness and willingness to become changed.

Jersey Nonny

Your user name says it all, Need4Change. But, you can't just "try" the steps, my friend...you must dive into the program with total commitment...as if your life depended on it...because, indeed it does!!! "If you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps."

And, as has been expressed here, there are many who do understand and can empathize with you.

Quote:

I do want to be clean and sober more than anything. But there still is that tiny little bit of me that wants to keep getting high.

You, too, seem to have that "tiny little bit" of reservation, Need4Change...and, AA will never work for you, until you are committed to total abstinence...you must break that cycle of alcohol dependency. You must want to be sober more than you want to drink...no half measures, for "Half measures availed us nothing."

No one ever said it would be easy...but, it is so worth the effort!!!

Dee74

early morning here...feeling kinda blunt.
if you're trying to manage your drinking, you're not ready to quit N4C.

D

Rowan

I've been thinking about you since I first read your post this morning, Need4Change. Sometimes I forget how hard it can be to give up drinking. I didn't have such a hard time of it, myself. I'm truly sorry that you are suffering through this, and in your heart I'm sure you feel that you are somehow different, that you can't do this thing.

All I can suggest to give you hope is that you continue to communicate with other recovering alcoholics - like you are right now - and remain open-minded about your future. And never give up hope, my friend. You may be closer than you think.

Thentram

Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes better. I look at my sobriety as me practicing being sober. Practice is hard work and goes well beyond "not drinking": learning and avoiding triggers, working to keep my body healthy, reminding myself why I don't want to drink, etc.

I'm not sure its possible for an alcoholic to become sober without a lot of practice but I have the feeling that when we stop practicing we stop getting better.

1963comet

Have you thought about going to an inhouse program? I went to a detox center a long time ago for help. If you really want to quit and cannot stay away from drinking this will help. It give me a good start.

whittenboy

It is quite OK to admit you can not do this by yourself. But it is YOU that has to take the first step to get the help it might take. See a doctor about detox. I did, though I also did not have bad symptoms quiting. everyone has given you some good advice but it starts with you my friend.

NEEDTOBESOBER

Hi, it sounds like you may need to go to a detox hospital at least that is what I had to do , I also was going thru a vicious cycle similar except I had to drink everyday but just to keep the shakes under control and I was also addicted to xanax. I also tried managing my drinking and xanax use but it never worked that is why a gave up and checked myself in to detox. You also may want to talk to your doctor first and see what he thinks.

Missymae737

Hi,

Xanax was like liquid alcohol...When I ran myself out before time, I wanted to drink...I also had to go to rehab to get off that medication..

maze51

Need4change, Miss Communicat in her second post said it exactly right. I also suffer from early sobriety and the committee between my ears begins to tell me, "those meeting are so demanding, some of the people drive me crazy, I don't like telling strangers my inner most feelings, etc. etc.". But the bottom line is, is the pain of the meetings worse than the pain of waking up hating yourself? I myself am at the point of the meeting are less pain than the hangovers.

I had plenty of practice at meetings 8 years ago, when I had 8+ years of sobriety. That's when I foolishly told myself, I can handle it, I am strong now. Well that was the biggest mistake I ever made. Now each day is a blessing to wake up sober and clean. I am truly tired of being sick and tired. This forum is a great place to vent, and reading and making comment helps me stay focused.

I too am a short timer (5 days), but it is 5 days more than I had last week. Keep coming back N4C, because your pain can help all of us stay sober if we stick together, and together we can celebrate being sober, and there is no great gift.

Tazman53

Have you been through at a minimum a detox?

It takes a long time for alcohol to get totally out of ones system, 3 days is not even a beginning.

Yes 24 hours without a drink may bring your BAC down to 0.0 but you need to read a book like "Beyond the Influence". It can take over a year before your brain chemicals return to as normal as they will ever be.

You say you worked AA and it did not work?

So you went to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days sober for all of them?

You had a sponsor and followed your sponsors suggestions?

You worked all 12 steps with your sponsor?

You worked with other alcoholics and had service positions?

If you can not answer an honest yes to all of the above questions then AA did not fail you, you did not work the program.

Chapter 5 begins with Are you saying you are one of those people who have thoroughly?

You sound like me at the end of my drinking, I had tried every way I could think of and was at the point that you describe of HAVING no choice, I had to drink.

The only way I was able to stop was through medical detox and even then it was one hell of a mental battle just to drive home with out buying a 12 pack. But you see I wanted to stay sober more then I wanted to drink again, I made it home, kissed the wife and kids and went to an AA meeting and got a sponsor.

I worked the program thoroughly and it worked, I did ALL of the below:

I went to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and was sober for all of them!

I have a sponsor and followed my sponsors suggestions!

I have worked all 12 steps with my sponsor, & continue to work/live them to the best of my ability.

I work with other alcoholics and have service positions.

I had to be willing to do ANYTHING to get and stay sober!

ccirider

Hi Maze:

I have been looking for a chairman of the board for the committee between my ears. Do you know of anyone available?