Your ability to be this honest shows that you feel remorse for hurting the people you love.You are in the grip of something much more powerful than you.You wouldn't be here if you didn't know that.You lost control a long time ago.Call your local AA office and see if they can have someone get you to some meetings.You need support right now, and you should go on your own, but you need to realize you are not alone.You will justify your drinking because it is part of your sickness,and I do emphasize "a part".What you have become goes far deeper than any bottle or glass of alcohol can let you forget.
Take the way you feel to heart and get help.You have to be strong enough to admit you cannot do this alone, we have been where you are, we know how you feel.