What? Am I supposed to be playing hide-n-seek???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: MO
Posts: 32
What? Am I supposed to be playing hide-n-seek???
I am really pissed off right now. I just found empty beer cans stashed ina dresser drawer. Does he think I am stupid???
My husband has been out of the house for three weeks, and after getting kicked out of his siters he came home 2 nights ago, and said he has going to give it 100%. Well, the first night I knew he was drinking, and I was pretty damn sure of it last night. Now, I know for sure. He went to the store to get near beer and was gone way too long. What the hell is the point of that crap anyway??? It still has alcohol in it! The worst part of all this is that I was NOT looking for beer cans. I was doing HIS laundry and putting his stuff away. I feel like I was just slapped in the face. He looked me in the eyes last night and told me he didn't drink.....ha! This deception is killing me. Does he really think I don't know when he is drinking? Or is he so ashamed of the drunk he is???
PLEASE HELP!!!!!! I want to just scream right now or maybe even cry. He will be home in a couple of hours and I don't know if I can not say anything. I need you guys.
My husband has been out of the house for three weeks, and after getting kicked out of his siters he came home 2 nights ago, and said he has going to give it 100%. Well, the first night I knew he was drinking, and I was pretty damn sure of it last night. Now, I know for sure. He went to the store to get near beer and was gone way too long. What the hell is the point of that crap anyway??? It still has alcohol in it! The worst part of all this is that I was NOT looking for beer cans. I was doing HIS laundry and putting his stuff away. I feel like I was just slapped in the face. He looked me in the eyes last night and told me he didn't drink.....ha! This deception is killing me. Does he really think I don't know when he is drinking? Or is he so ashamed of the drunk he is???
PLEASE HELP!!!!!! I want to just scream right now or maybe even cry. He will be home in a couple of hours and I don't know if I can not say anything. I need you guys.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: South Africa
Posts: 17
I guess you have two options, keep quiet about what you found to keep the peace, or confront him, if he is physically abusive, confronting him may not be such a good idea, stash the evidence for when you have someone around for support. If he is not abusive then maybe wait till he has been home and settled down and then bring out the cans, he will be upset at being caught out, but he should know that you know, you've kicked him out once, so he knows you can do it.
Whatever you decide to do, don't put yourself in danger, keep a level head, count to 100, or ignore him completely and go to bed.
Hope you sort it out, my thoughts are with you.
Whatever you decide to do, don't put yourself in danger, keep a level head, count to 100, or ignore him completely and go to bed.
Hope you sort it out, my thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
Please don't forget the power of prayer in this. *hugs*
It seems that when crisis hits all the tools of the program go flying out the window and we forget so much as we feel so much.
Remember, you did not cause this, you can not heal this. His broken promise is simply a sign of his illness.....not really something he is doing specifically against 'you'.
That saying, remember the things in life to be thankful for. Not necessarily about 'this' particular situation....but just in general.
Remember all of the little phrases..... One day at a time, Let Go and Let God, think, think, think....and the steps....even just the first 3.
Back to the basics--I am there.....yet again....life is going out of control and I have not the alcoholic in my life......there is just me
Ask for direction, courage and serenity. Do something to help calm yourself, maybe take a bath or a walk. Then decide or don't decide what you are going to do.
One thing I have noticed over and over again, is that when I remember to use the steps and the tools in times of crisis.....things do get better....or seem to. Its when I forget them that they go progressively worse.
Best wishes
It seems that when crisis hits all the tools of the program go flying out the window and we forget so much as we feel so much.
Remember, you did not cause this, you can not heal this. His broken promise is simply a sign of his illness.....not really something he is doing specifically against 'you'.
That saying, remember the things in life to be thankful for. Not necessarily about 'this' particular situation....but just in general.
Remember all of the little phrases..... One day at a time, Let Go and Let God, think, think, think....and the steps....even just the first 3.
Back to the basics--I am there.....yet again....life is going out of control and I have not the alcoholic in my life......there is just me
Ask for direction, courage and serenity. Do something to help calm yourself, maybe take a bath or a walk. Then decide or don't decide what you are going to do.
One thing I have noticed over and over again, is that when I remember to use the steps and the tools in times of crisis.....things do get better....or seem to. Its when I forget them that they go progressively worse.
Best wishes
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hi sunshine71,
Everyone has given you such good advice.Taira has touched on some very much needed tools! Prayer can help a great deal!!
He will probably continue to do things to annoy you but he can only get to you IF you let him. DON'T LET HIM!!!!!!
My husband thinks he hides beer cans under the table by our bed because he places clothing over them. How clever of him.NOT!
Hang in there and take care of you,
matters
Everyone has given you such good advice.Taira has touched on some very much needed tools! Prayer can help a great deal!!
He will probably continue to do things to annoy you but he can only get to you IF you let him. DON'T LET HIM!!!!!!
My husband thinks he hides beer cans under the table by our bed because he places clothing over them. How clever of him.NOT!
Hang in there and take care of you,
matters
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: MO
Posts: 32
Thank-you everyone!!!
I laughed when I read Ann's post because I had already done that, and he approached me. Fortunately by that time I had put the steps to use. I realized I was more angry about the dishonesty than the drinking. Not that I am one little bit happy about his drinking but the betrayl is what just hits me so hard. If I can't trust him then there is nothing!
I am still so new to my recovery that I am strugling. I keep reading your posts and looking forward to the day I can be better and not let these things eat me up. He has been back ih the house for 3 nights now and drank all 3 nights. He gives me some crap about it being hard to be here. All the quack, quack about trying to stop. He claims not to be making excuses, but thats all he does. He just doesn't seem to realize he is only making excuses for himself...not me. He uses the powerlessness for his own benefit. I reminded him last night that although he is powerless over the alcohol he does have to make choices. HE has to CHOOSE to get help. But I can see he is NOT ready. I don't think he has the courage to make the change right now. He is too afraid to take an honest look at himself.
In my Al-anon group they told me not to make any big decisions for 6 months. I can wait but he doesn't realize that I won't stay without a change on his part. Right now I just can't see a real future fow me and my son with him drinking. With each beer I see our future going down the drain. OK, I'm rambling now....think I need more coffee.
HUGS and a big thank-you again. You help more than you could know.
I laughed when I read Ann's post because I had already done that, and he approached me. Fortunately by that time I had put the steps to use. I realized I was more angry about the dishonesty than the drinking. Not that I am one little bit happy about his drinking but the betrayl is what just hits me so hard. If I can't trust him then there is nothing!
I am still so new to my recovery that I am strugling. I keep reading your posts and looking forward to the day I can be better and not let these things eat me up. He has been back ih the house for 3 nights now and drank all 3 nights. He gives me some crap about it being hard to be here. All the quack, quack about trying to stop. He claims not to be making excuses, but thats all he does. He just doesn't seem to realize he is only making excuses for himself...not me. He uses the powerlessness for his own benefit. I reminded him last night that although he is powerless over the alcohol he does have to make choices. HE has to CHOOSE to get help. But I can see he is NOT ready. I don't think he has the courage to make the change right now. He is too afraid to take an honest look at himself.
In my Al-anon group they told me not to make any big decisions for 6 months. I can wait but he doesn't realize that I won't stay without a change on his part. Right now I just can't see a real future fow me and my son with him drinking. With each beer I see our future going down the drain. OK, I'm rambling now....think I need more coffee.
HUGS and a big thank-you again. You help more than you could know.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hey sunshine and all who commented.
I'm just reminded of my own defects and all i can add is thank God
my husband (he is not the A in my life) does not comment everytime i revert to my old habits,usualy when i'm overtiered or stressed. Like nagging or getting myself in a hyper mode.
with that said I cant imagine the over poweringness of the addiction that caused them to lie or steal.
I am not judging anyone reaction just commenting on the nature of my own backsling moments !
take care sunshine !
Love you
liddy
I'm just reminded of my own defects and all i can add is thank God
my husband (he is not the A in my life) does not comment everytime i revert to my old habits,usualy when i'm overtiered or stressed. Like nagging or getting myself in a hyper mode.
with that said I cant imagine the over poweringness of the addiction that caused them to lie or steal.
I am not judging anyone reaction just commenting on the nature of my own backsling moments !
take care sunshine !
Love you
liddy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((((Sunshine71)))))))
Sounds like you are doing better! Just remember that it FEELS like he's betraying you, but it's really all about him. He's not trying to do anything to you...... so don't own it.
I'm reading Co-Dependant No More, by Melody Beatty (wow, guys!) and one thing that slapped me in the face today is:
Asking an alcoholic to not drink, is asking a sick person with pneumonia to not cough. Until the person is recovering from pneumonia, he will cough.
Hope this helps a little........
Take care of yourself!
Lyn
I'm reading Co-Dependant No More, by Melody Beatty (wow, guys!) and one thing that slapped me in the face today is:
Asking an alcoholic to not drink, is asking a sick person with pneumonia to not cough. Until the person is recovering from pneumonia, he will cough.
Hope this helps a little........
Take care of yourself!
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
I think the whole irony in this type of situation is that somehow, no matter how obvious it seems to other people.....even no matter how obvious it is to US we keep right on expecting them to act like normal people. And then we get upset and disappointed when they prove yet again that they are alcoholics.
I have to chuckle at myself with this. When my son's Dad shows up late with some stupid excuse or cancels without warning I just get SO MAD! And yet the complete insanity of it all is simply xpecting him to behave differently. Expecting an alcoholic NOT to lie or not to try and push those buttons is kind of like expecting the 6 month old baby not to poop in her diaper. Lol. And yet, over and over again.......there I go.
Even when they are in recovery and not drinking anymore.....I remember one time I had called my sponsor up in tears over his lies and behavior and all she could say was "he's a sick man, why do you keep expecting him to tell the truth?" and all the buts in the world couldn't change the fact that me expecting him to be anything other than he was.....was simply evidence of my own insane thinking.
And for a good part.....I am back on that track again. I have made it so that in order to get to work in the next town I have to get a ride. The father....the one I don't live with....the one who shows up late or not at all...is a cabbie and so I 'count' on him to get me there because I just can't afford the cab ride on my own everyday. Would be a wonderfuil and practical solution except for one important detail. yup He is an alcoholic and to expect him to show up on time is complete insanity.
Coming here has helped to bring me back home to that. Lol now I just gotta figure out another solution and frankly I'm lost. So here's to praying......and maybe we can both let go of some of this stress and find direction.
I remember the serenity prayer...."God grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. " Am adding on my own two cents worth to that prayer......"And Please Please Please show me how the heck I'm supposed to change this!!! Because I'm stumped. "
God bless and wishing you serenity in your struggle.
I have to chuckle at myself with this. When my son's Dad shows up late with some stupid excuse or cancels without warning I just get SO MAD! And yet the complete insanity of it all is simply xpecting him to behave differently. Expecting an alcoholic NOT to lie or not to try and push those buttons is kind of like expecting the 6 month old baby not to poop in her diaper. Lol. And yet, over and over again.......there I go.
Even when they are in recovery and not drinking anymore.....I remember one time I had called my sponsor up in tears over his lies and behavior and all she could say was "he's a sick man, why do you keep expecting him to tell the truth?" and all the buts in the world couldn't change the fact that me expecting him to be anything other than he was.....was simply evidence of my own insane thinking.
And for a good part.....I am back on that track again. I have made it so that in order to get to work in the next town I have to get a ride. The father....the one I don't live with....the one who shows up late or not at all...is a cabbie and so I 'count' on him to get me there because I just can't afford the cab ride on my own everyday. Would be a wonderfuil and practical solution except for one important detail. yup
He is an alcoholic and to expect him to show up on time is complete insanity.Coming here has helped to bring me back home to that. Lol now I just gotta figure out another solution and frankly I'm lost. So here's to praying......and maybe we can both let go of some of this stress and find direction.
I remember the serenity prayer...."God grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. " Am adding on my own two cents worth to that prayer......"And Please Please Please show me how the heck I'm supposed to change this!!! Because I'm stumped. "
God bless and wishing you serenity in your struggle.
Last edited by ODAT; 06-03-2003 at 10:12 AM.
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