averagegirl

I do not know where to turn. I am terrified, hurt...soooo in love.

I think I have been in denial for months, and I feel as though I am slowly coming out of it. Below is our story, in as short of a nutshell as I can manage.

My fiancé is the love of my life. Us coming together was a sheer miracle. You see, I had loved and lost a few years earlier, and was on my own mental and emotional downward spiral. My previous fiancé had been killed in a motocross accident while I watched. It nearly killed me when my heart broke.

I spent time numbing the pain with drugs, alcohol, even sex. And though I THOUGHT I had made it past it, began dating someone in the USA (I live in Canada) and even got to the point of quitting my job, leaving everything behind (literally and figuratively) and moved to where he lived in Oregon. It turned out that this man was a scam artist, and I was trapped in the USA.

After much suffering, I ended in touch with a very old friend in a Canadian province where I used to reside, near the border, told the story and was thankful for the help that he offered.

He offered me a place to stay while I decided what to do with my life. Told me he had a room mate that didn’t mind if I stayed a while. So this friend, whom Ill call “Ted” offered me this help with no apparent expectations. That of course changed, when I arrived. He expected sex. Turned out he had ulterior motives the whole time.

Oh, a point to make…both Ted and his room mate, whom I will affectionately call Kris were/are recovering cocaine addicts. Both had been in detox residence, and both claimed to be in recovery. I did not judge, nor would I as I have battled my own demons and though not remotely similar, I have been able to triumph for the most part. (I do not abuse any substance for its numbing abilities any longer).

Kris and I became friends, in fact we were inseparable. I was suicidal, my life was over…though I got myself another job in days, and “looked” like I was ok, I was dying inside. Over the period of a few months, Kris and I became truly best friends. I saw no ulterior motives in him, only support and love. Ted on the other hand, was thrown out of our home for bringing in strangers and abusing cocaine while Kris and I were away one weekend. Then there were just the two of us.

During this period, something in me began to feel different and I started to fall in love with Kris. I would not – COULD not admit it because I did not want it. I had been so hurt and shamed that I just couldn’t bear the thought of it again.

One night, I came home from work, and among everything else that was going on, Kris was forefront in my mind. Only a few weeks earlier, he had some trashy woman in the house, in his bedroom, and he left for a night with her. I was devastated although I had no claim to him. It broke my heart.
On this night, I told myself that this needed to end one way or another.

Either I tell him how I really feel and face up to it all, either way – or I kill myself.

That night, I drank an excessive amount of liquor, still couldn’t tell him. I watched him go downstairs to sleep and my decision was made. He must have known something was going on, because he came upstairs after I had swallowed the first bottle of migraine meds. I was out of it. In retrospect, he says he thought he was losing me at that time, I was “out of it” and passing out.

He went back downstairs for a few moments, and I took the second bottle of pills. I was weak and disoriented, but had no control of what I said or did any longer. I sliced my arm wide open just as he reappeared in the kitchen.

He panicked, bigtime. Who wouldn’t? He called the police who came, arrested me, and as they were leading me out the door of my semi-new home, I screamed at Kris that I was in love with him. Great timing.

He was furious. He said “how dare you choose how I feel? How dare you gauge my reaction?!”

I cried for him until I passed out at the hospital, semi-comatose.

When I finally awoke, with security guards surrounding me, Kris was there. In his face I saw the faces of every single person that ever truly cared about me, and my guilt overwhelmed me.

He reached his hand out to me and touched my cheek, tears in his eyes he kissed my neck and begged me never to do such a thing again.

He took me home and I was in a state of shock, hurt, and other words my brain cannot come up with to adequately explain.

I went and got myself cleaned up, and when I came out of the bathroom he was in his bedroom. He asked me to come in and lay with him, which I did. He held me and looked at me with such tenderness I didn’t know what to think, all I could do was feel.

He again said “please don’t ever do that to me again” and kissed me. Our first kiss. It was also the first time we made love.

Though we tried to take things slow, within 6 months, we were engaged. This is where the story gets turned around.

He had already told his family that he had proposed, though he didn’t. He was trying to save up money to finish paying for my engagement ring. At this point, I believe the money he had was actually used to fund his cocaine habit. We have been engaged since April 21, 5 months ago to the day, and I still do not have my ring.

Its strange, because when he finally DID propose, it was because his mom came to our house to visit and she thought that we were already engaged. He was gambling a little that Id say yes, which I did of course! And when he explained that he wanted to do it “right” I thought to myself, this is perfect, Id marry him with NO ring, I didn’t care about the ring! But then I saw it, saw what HE had chosen for ME…and it actually felt like a true symbol of love and commitment, and after a few months, I realized that I really needed to have that token.

In any event…that’s a small history of our relationship…but now it gets dirty.

We have had our ups and downs like any other couple. But his mood swings are so bad that I am hurting on almost a daily basis. Often there is name calling, things like “idiot” or “basketcase” among others. I am told to “F*** off” and “shut up”. And the important thing to note is that these arguments start over nothing. Typically over my reaction to something he has snapped at me. He is quite condescending. At times, if he has to repeat what he has said because I cannot hear him, he becomes furious and snaps.

He often does not sleep in bed with me, but falls asleep on the couch watching TV. I would say approximately 6 out of 7 days per week, this is the case.

He takes these long baths, often reaching 4 hours in duration. And often several times a day or night. I have even awoken at 5am to get ready for work to find him in there.

The thing is, on the days where the baths are happening, seem to be the days when he is happiest. He tells me he loves me about a hundred times…he’ll call me on his cell from the bathroom just to say it.

He will promise me TLC (which is our code for lovemaking) and I will anxiously await him. Often that means that I am up until 2am when I need to wake up for work at 5am, just for that tenderness, emotion, love.

I get resentful and angry, but I cannot help but wanting that part of our relationship. I realize this is getting “past the appropriate information line” but I must continue to get the entire story.

Often, our lovemaking gets a little crazy (in the most wonderful way). It is something that we have always done perfectly together, freely. However, this results in a certain part of his anatomy becoming incredibly sore. His remedy? Taking a bath. Again, he will typically promise a second round, and I try my hardest to wait up for him, or ask him to wake me if I fall asleep. It doesn’t always happen.

He complains of bleeding noses fairly often now, claiming that its because the bathroom gets too hot. He is constantly picking at it during these times.

He complains of being ill constantly. Tummy problems mostly.

He’s been through jobs with several companies, but has not worked steady since March of 2007. Hes been virtually without work for the last 4 months solid. That said, I earn a good income, but its not enough to support us both and his rather expensive spending habits. Bills are piling up to the point where the amount being spent is 3 to 4 times what I earn each month.

One day I came home from work about 2 months ago, and did my typical check of my bank account online. The money that was there for rent was gone. He had my bank card and drained my account.

Because I am so afraid of him (note that he’s never hit me) I did not get angry, but calmly asked what had happened.

He sat me down and explained that over the last few months, some drug guys had been trying to track him down to recover an old debt. That day, they had come to the door of our home and demanded the money. So he went and used the drug money. These were apparently not nice people.

In retrospect, I then thought back to all of the nights where we would be downstairs being intimate, and he would hear a sound and have to run upstairs with a baseball bat to check, completely paranoid.

I was very angry, but never once raised my voice. I was more hurt than anything, feeling that he had not only kept this from me, but put MY safety in jeopardy also.

It also explained why hundreds of dollars at a time were going missing, and because I was denying it, I did not ask where.

Ive always been of the belief that when you lose trust in your partner through lying or cheating, that is the beginning of the end. I FORCED myself to trust him. There was even a part of me that thought that maybe he was making payments on my engagement ring without telling me. This was not so.

He apologized, and told me that he made that decision NOT to tell me, because he knew Id worry, but thinking back, he knew it was the wrong decision to make.

My question to him was: “was this a recent debt, or an old debt?” he said it was old, before we were together. I chose to believe. I told him that had I known this, we could have had it paid off a long time ago, and left it behind. He still owed more money apparently, so I went and got a “payday loan” to pay the remainder, and considered the matter closed.

Speaking of payday loans, this is now a constant. Each time I do it, it costs me approximately 200.00, depending on the amount and duration. This is like me working a day for free every two weeks, and I am becoming increasingly resentful about it. Why isn’t he working???? I haven’t missed ANY time, I see the bills and I don’t even take sick days or vacation – until this week.

I have been looming close to my breaking point on all levels. My suspicions and denial seems to go hand in hand. I cry constantly, and he gets angry, yet Im too afraid of him to tell him what Im feeling or thinking.

I took a week off work because my best friend’s mother passed away and she needed me. I drove 16 hours to where she was.

While I was gone (I actually just returned home yesterday) he went missing for two days.

He claims that his friend that he was in recovery with, came to the condo and picked him up and basically forced him to an NA meeting (he stops answering and returning calls for weeks on end).

I was surprised because it seems like these things happen only when Im not around. Why haven’t I met any of these friends? The guys name was apparently “Erin” which really upsets me because that trashy woman he brought home way back when….HER name was Erin. And she was certainly NOT in recovery. My understanding is that she is a cocaine addict, and was also trying to get Kris into bed. He claims he stopped answering her calls when he and I got together, and hoped she would get the hint.

I know that the person was here, in my home…and though Kris calls Erin a “HE” I am fearful that it was her.

Anyway, he said that he was going to another NA meeting on Saturday evening, and I hadn’t heard from him since Sat afternoon. It wasn’t like him to not return calls. Two days passed. His mother went to see him in the city where we live, she drove 4 hours to get there. He never answered her calls either.

I was prepared to file a missing persons report, couldn’t eat or sleep. Just thinking about this now brings me to tears.

On Monday afternoon, he finally calls me, after I had everyone we know looking for him. Tells me he spent the last two days in jail. There was a warrant out for his arrest from driving without a licence a few months back. I still don’t understand why he didn’t call me. He said his cell phone was at home. That he was with Erin and they were pulled over and his name was run and he was arrested.

Strangely enough, on the previous Friday, he told me that he called the police for advice on what he can do to take care of this. They indicated he go to court the following Monday. Kind of coincidental that Saturday was the day he was arrested.

He said that they would not allow him to make a phone call. Not sure if I believe that. I know it was long distance to call me, but I thought they got to make at least one call….and if not, why didn’t he ask his friend Erin to call me?? I have not yet asked these questions because I fear a blow up.

He went to work this morning for the first time in 2 weeks.

I had enough money to pay the bills and take my trip, and I left him money to live on while I was gone, plus a blank check for emergencies, which we would talk about first.

I wired him 200.00 on Monday to get groceries etc. By Wednesday, he had none left, and unknown to me, had written that check for 250.00 and cashed it. When I arrived home on Thursday, he had nothing left. Add that to the 500.00 I left him, and he spent more money than I did to travel halfway across Canada. I have not yet asked for an explanation, I have to time it all so that he will not explode.

This morning he was in an OK mood. Telling me that he loved me without any drugs in him. That’s a good sign isn’t it?

Ive been so afraid that the only times hes intimate with me, or loving, is when he must be high…thinking that he needs drugs in order to love me.

But since Id been gone a week, and gone through a great many things while I was gone, and missing him like crazy, I guess I expected that my first day back, we would be making love all afternoon, or at the very least, sleep together. I was so upset upon waking this morning to see that again, he was not there.

There is so much more to this, and I will add to it as I can, but my wrists are cramping so badly I cannot write anymore.

I think he is using, but there is a possibility that he is not, isn’t there? I love this man with every part of me, but I am slowly being broken inside and becoming suspicious and resentful…I work very VERY hard, and I cannot even buy personal items because I have given all the money to him or to bills.

I want the man I fell in love with…I don’t believe he was using at that time. I believe it’s the last 6 to 8 months that it may have started. Maybe Im totally wrong and its just long term withdrawal that makes him so secretive and moody and sick….please help me…I don’t know what to do.

averagegirl

A few other notes:

Since my own suicide attempt, Ive been in counselling. I do not drink to excess, and only occasionally have one or two. I have come a long way, but am blaming myself for everything that's gone wrong. Ive been diagnosed with Hypervigilence (google it) as a product of PTSD, from many years ago, possibly compounding the situation.

Also, his family is aware of his addiction. His mother also believes that he has relapsed.

When he was missing and I didnt know where to turn, I called the recovery house where he used to stay, I needed advice, and a part of me hoped he may have checked in, he hadnt. The counseller I spoke to remembered him, and after I spilled out the whole story, I was advised to leave him before its too late (before we are married). I cannot do that. he saved my life, he could have, and perhaps SHOULD have abandoned me, but didnt. I cannot abandon him.

Jwife22

Hon----you can't save him. He can only save himself.

You truly know in your gut if he is using. Always trust your gut, mines never proven me wrong when I thought my husband is using. Also, you may not choose to leave him now, but I would definately definately put marriage on the back burner. I wouldn't have married my husband had his addiction started before we got married. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and grief.

You have to realize that even if he does get clean now, you always have to be prepared for the possibility that he may relapse. Its ALWAYS possible.

Please read up on enabling. Also, please pick up the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. We enable our addicts to use by doing things for them that they could and should be doing for themselves.

Please be careful and read up on the stickies.....remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Its up to him to get help and to want to stop.

((((HUGS))))

DoingWell

I don't want to make you seem foolish, that isn't my attempt, but this is probably on the list of top 10 things addicts will say, right next to "It isn't mine!"

I've been where you are and I feel your pain.. I don't know about you, but the more I denied my gut instincts the worse things got. I think you already know he's in the grips of heavy addiction. I think you are getting too overly concerned about his reaction to confronting him.. I had to learn this the hard way. I confronted because I expected him to own up to it all to validate myself so I didn't think I was going insane.. Again, the more I questioned my own gut, the worse it got.
You probably are not thinking beyond the confrontation because you are just building up to something.. it might not go the way you think where he will melt and tell you everything and say what you want to hear.. Listen to your instincts because I am reading in your words that you already know everything, instead of confronting him and getting your expectations going I would take some steps to get yourself some help first and I would also start taking some practical measures to protect yourself financially. My Xhb started using crack/cocaine in 2002 and it was a NIGHTMARE, yes it nearly emotionally killed me but the financial devastation was another story, I took a lot of precautions TOO late. If you have accounts together I suggest getting your name OFF the accounts and starting your own bank account.

Protect yourself
Listen to your gut
Find support (therapist, support group, Al-Anon, Naranon, )
Listen to others who have been through this
Remember that you didn't Cause it, Can't control it and can't cure it

Your not alone.

MsPINKAcres

((averagegirl))

Welcome to our SR family.

Like Anvil said - seems like you have a lot going on - maybe try some deep breaths and maybe facing things One at a Time.

It is ok to take care of YOU - to focus on what is healthy for you.

Please keep coming back and reading the info here to learn what is right to do for you,

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

BigSis

From what you have written, I would believe he is using - a lot.

He is also abusive mentally, emotionally, financially and socially.

He is selfish, self-centered and self-involved.

The thing I would ask you to think about is what sort of life you thought you would have, and what sort of life you have today.

If what you have today is not what you believed you would have - the only person who can make that different.... is you.

What I know about ME, is that I tolerated some bad treatment because I believed that was the best I could get. I did not think I was "good enough" to deserve better treatment.

Even after I recognized my low self-esteem "intellectually", I still had/have trouble changing my beliefs "emotionally". What I can do, though... is change some of my behaviors.

I no longer need to maintain friendships to find little dribs and drabs of acceptance and love. I deserve more than that. I can give more than that, and deserve the same in return.

Alanon has helped me with some of these things. You might consider attending some meetings.

There are some good books, as well by Melodie Beattie - Codependent No More is one of them.


(((hugs)))

averagegirl

Oh God. Im reading these posts as they come in...and I thank you all, but my God...I am desperately wanting someone to tell me to continue doing what Im doing, that it will be okay. Why cant things just be ok? Why cant my support and love be enough? Why cant I be enough? I keep wondering what Ive done wrong...have I driven him to relapse? And why is there no evidence left behind?

Does he think Im stupid? Because Ive let it go this far? Do I continue letting him think I am being fooled while keeping secrets of my own to try and save myself?

I cant stop crying now...I only hope he doesnt come home to find me this way.

DoingWell

Anvil is right, it's not you at all.
Do you remember when you tried to kill yourself, that was not his fault, you came to a point where it was impossible for you to put others feelings ahead of your own. This situation is very similar so maybe it will help you to put it in prospective that way.

I would LOVE nothing more than to tell you something that will magically make you feel better. There is some good news.. you don't have to make a decision this minute about your situation. Take some breaths and try to focus on yourself for a little bit, as hard as that sounds, you really need a time out.
Please don't blame yourself.

averagegirl

You are all amazing people with amazing experiences that I am thankful for you having shared.

I feel so out of it being here, as I do not feel I have the same strength in me. I have made it through a great many things, but never something like this so I have no experiences of my own to draw upon. All I know is that he is my other half...when the good times are good, Ive never felt happiness like that...I feel like he is my home...like I belong.

So how do I walk away from that? Do I walk away? Is that what everyone is trying to say without saying it?

averagegirl

I see what you are saying...
But he stuck by me...all the way through. Even after each of my counselling sessions, I come home and we talk about it. Whatever I am able to share. Its become a PART of the healing for me...

When I think about it that way, I think that most men would have RUN from a situation like the one I created back then...and maybe SHOULD have run...after all, getting involved in a relationship with someone as emotionally unstable as I was, is a huge gamble...

So, since he stuck with me through it, shouldnt I do the same?

Thank you all...so much.

Elana

Youy have an awful lot going on. You need to break this down into small pieces so you can work on each one as a separate thing.

You are "enough" and you are not "stupid." You are co dependent. You are addicted to him. Meanwhile he is addicted to drugs. Fact is, from what you wrote he is actively using and likely doing so during his "long baths" and when he disappears etc.

He is also abusive, and you are certainly WAY BETTER than THAT. He may not have hit you but you are afraid. That is abuse.

I want to tell you to leave because of the abuse, but only you can make that decision. Why is it not OK to just continue? You are miserable and you certainly deserve to NOT be miserable. You are hurting and you do not deserve to be hurting.

You cannot compete with his drug of choice (DOC) any more than I could compete with alcohol with my ex husband and with pot and coke with my XABF. it is not that you are not good enough because you are. It is because the addict is addicted to the drug and likes getting high more than he can like anything else in the world, including himself.

So, what can you do? First thing is to separate yourself from his stuff. Separate from his financial stuff and his emotional stuff and his drug addiction. Youc annot control him or his stuff anyway. Next, and as part of the first step, you need to learn how to take care of you. Tell me, if someone you know said the things to your BF that he says to you I bet you would want to go and kick their lights out. Well, you should love yourself enough to be just as angry if anyone says those things to you (including yourself!!!). That is a huge step towards self love.

You are in couseling. I suggest you get yourself to meetings.. NarAnon or AlAnon will help a lot. You already have yourself set to go.. you have come here and, whether you admitted it or not in so many words, have shown us you are powerless over your BF and his addiction and you need help.

Eventually you will learn to detach from his stuff and you will learn to love but not enable. He will either fall and realize he needs help to get off the addiction wagon or not. That is not your business. That is his.

We are here to help you.

Selah

average girl - you need to realize that just because you choose to take care of yourself financially, emotionally, does not mean you don't care for him.
I have been where you are I promise, and it is heart wrenching, loving someone else should not make you so sick to your stomach you can't get out of bed, but it did do that to me. I hated wondering and wondering and wondering. The truth is in active addiction they will tell you ANYTHING and do ANYTHING to make sure you don't find out. You can't find evidence b/c he doesn't want you to.
He may have saved your life before but he's contributing in the opposite way now.
You are not abandoning him if you leave, he needs to change for himself. But you are abandoning YOU right now.
*** prayers for you to gain clarity****

GiveLove

averagegirl,

At SR, you can be pretty assured that if people were trying to say that, they'd say it. A lot of us have been through some truly horrifying experiences, and aren't shy of being candid if they think they can save someone else from that same suffering. So at times you'll get a mix of responses, from extremely gentle to extremely harsh, and just know that everyone is trying to help in his or her own way. Take what you feel you need, and leave the rest.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I too found the miracle, the incredible love of my life, the one that would never come again. He too was an addict, and he too told me the same stories to protect his addiction. And you know what? It turned out that he wasn't quite the miracle I thought he was. He was just the best I'd found **at that point in life**.....and there were others to come who were even MORE miraculous, as I became better at understanding what kind of person was going to be my truest love of all.

I'm sorry to say that. I would give anything to be able to assure you that everything's going to be fine with him....but the fact is, it may, or it may not, depending on what YOU do for YOU.

You can't save him from himself. Only he can do that.
You CAN save yourself from the damage he's doing to you. He doesn't get to do that. Just because he stuck with you through a hard time, because he once acted like a friend, does NOT give him a free pass to treat you like dirt for the rest of time.

The only thing you can begin to do now, besides reading Codependent No More (great book) is to start creating a picture in your mind of what you want your life to be like....and you don't get to say, "And for starters, I want HIM to change so he's THIS WAY..." None of us gets to do that.

You don't have to take any rash decisions. You don't have to do anything at all right now. Just take some deep breaths, perhaps look up the nearest Nar-Anon meeting near you so you can continue on the path to educating yourself about addiction, and try to take good and tender care of yourself. You're in a very painful spot, and need to focus on your own needs (obviously, he's focusing on his).

And here's something you may not be realizing: We ALL came from where you're standing. NONE of us were "that strong"....we just took baby step after baby step, moving toward mental health again.

...though we've all stood on the very spot where you're standing, where it felt that life was over, the true miracle is that we're all still here, and we're all still trying, on a road to something better.

Hugs and strength to you, to join us on this hike together. It IS going to be okay, but maybe in a different way than you'd thought. Honest.

GiveLove

averagegirl

how do I say no? When it comes to money? I dont lie, and especially cannot lie to him. If I say I have no money, when I do, I feel like I am being treacherous. Ive never been a good liar. I feel guilty posting on here, because its a secret.

I dont know how to get myself to a meeting without him knowing. He always knows my whereabouts...and if I lie and say Im elsewhere, I'll either mess up the lie, or feel so much more guilt!

I wish that it werent so one sided, that you could know a little more about me, and a little more about him personally...but I dont know how to do that.

I can feel myself sinking lower and lower...Im constantly faking smiling so he doesnt get angry. Its like Im not allowed to be angry or worried or sad, unless HE is in a place to deal with it...which is less and less often.

averagegirl

my instinct, right this second, is still telling me to keep denying. Keep being passive, keep sacrificing. Its seems like Im turning myself into a martyr - which is not what I want to be.

I AM hurting. So terribly that sometimes the sobs wont stop for hours. To the point where I AM physically ill, and I have to keep that hidden too. I keep going to work and trying to pretend its all ok.

If I dont *have* to make any rash decisions right now, what can I safely and effectively do?

I have a savings account set up, but its empty. I drained it so I had enough money to make it home from my trip. (there was less than a hundred dollars in there anyway).

Ann

Addiction is a progressive disease that gets worse over time. It will leave you emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially in ruins if you decide to take this walk into hell with him.

How do I know this? My son is an addict and although the relationship is different, the addiction and what it does is not. He is doing what addicts do. This was written by Jon, the founder of SoberRecovery and a recovering addict himself....

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

This may seem like a harsh post and I promise you it is made with love in my heart, because I care enough to tell you straight up what you have in store for the rest of your life and only you can choose if this is how you want to live.

How did I find my sanity again? I went to meetings, lots of meetings, found a sponsor and learned to work 12 steps of recovery that save my life, literally.

I know it hurts right now, but it doesn't have to hurt forever. You can begin today by making a commitment to yourself to find a better way of living. You have already taken a huge step by reaching out.

Just know we care and we are walking with you.

Hugs

averagegirl

Selah,

Im unable to respond to your message as Im too new a member...
But in response, I am afraid because his words are so harsh...harsher than anything Ive ever heard. ITs to the point where its like he hates me, rather than loves me, when hes that angry. He through a standing fan across the room a few weeks back, our last big argument (that started when he THOUGHT I snapped at him, which was not intentional at all...). I do not think he will hit me, but I have to be honest here...

Ive been in physically abusive relationships before...even with my own father. Its as though physically, I can take any measure of pain inflicted, though of course do not want it...its just that with physical pain, I always know how it will feel, and that eventually I can heal...but this emotional pain, the name calling and the feeling of being unloved, even unloveable....THAT kind of pain is the kind where I never know just how bad it will feel, and my own recovery from it can take days or weeks before I feel half ways to normal again.

Hope that makes some modicum of sense.

BigSis

This is a statement that my Alanon sponsor shared with me - it works in many situations.


Repeat....repeat.... repeat.

You are NOT bound to listen to abuse - not in person, not on the phone, not in the car.

I wanted to be liked SO much.... wanted to avoid conflict SO MUCH, that I put my life in danger. How far will you go?


How do you do it? You have to decide you are worth it. You have to draw the line in the sand and be willing to walk away. You have to risk the friendship in order to save your self-esteem.

You are worth this. You are.

Selah

you shouldn't have to endure pain just because you feel as though you can handle it. funny though I used to have those same thoughts, been through the same w/ my father, dysfunctional family...please please please read codependant no more, I just picked it up last wednesday and I promise you it will help clear your head. I am only 1/4 of the way through but I just sit there reading page after page...going omg it finally makes sense - "this is me!"

averagegirl

I wonder if anyone can tell me of a relationship that has survived addiction? If so, how? Seems I have been reading more and more that he/she walked out on the addict in one way or another...but did any relationships ever recover the addiction? Can one hope for this?