Selah

I have yet to hear of one. I too wanted that to be an option for me. There is only one couple I know of personally made it...but she had to leave for four months, he went through serious rehab and had made major life changes. He doesn't go to events where alcohol is present, may seem drastic but he has learned what he can and cannot handle. He has been clean for four years now.....and only b/c of the length has my friend decided to marry him.

averagegirl

Then my feeling of sheer hopelessness is founded. I will lose the one person who went out on a limb for me, because I lack the strength to do the same.

Jwife22

Hon---I am still with my husband, he's an addict....a recovering one, but an addict all the same. His drug of choice (doc) is xanax....he's been clean for a little while now but it was HELL going through it.

I wasn't ready to leave him, I hadn't reached that point....I was close but not there.

Do you want to know HOW I survived and stayed in our relationship?

Well, I started working on ME. I went to meetings, I posted on SR everyday, I started to learn about myself and the biggest thing on how I survived....I let him fall without my interferance.....it was sooo tiring protecting him.

As long as we protect them, feed them and give them money......WHY should they stop using...they have their cake and can eat it too......

I stopped...I got a separate bank account and kept up my own money to pay the bills, he had to give me his portion to pay the bills on our house and what he did with the rest, well that was up to him.....he is a grown man and I should treat him so.....not like a child...its HIS money, he worked, he earned it.

I set boundaries....no using in the house, no bringing pills into the house, no driving the cars which are insured under both of our names under the influence, no being at home high....etc...I had to set these boundaries one at a time until I was sure enough...ready enough to enforce them.....and I did. It took me months and months to set boundaries and keep them.

I started my recovery. I learned that all the love in the world...as much as I loved him, heart and soul.....I wasn't going to get him clean....he would NEVER EVER get clean just for me. It wasn't about not loving me enough for him....he did love me and he does love me. He didn't quit until he was ready to...until he was done. He was tired of doing what he was doing and wanted better for himself.

What I am trying to say is that relationships can survive and you can love him and have hope that he will get clean but with me, I couldn't continue neglecting myself and my wants and needs for him. I needed to learn to love me again so that I could have a healthy relationship with him if he got clean.

Start with YOU....start with little boundaries you know you can keep. I very much recommend finding a Naranon or even alanon meeting if at all possible. I also recommend Codependent No More........

(((((HUGS))))

averagegirl

Thank you for the positive experience. I really want to remain with him. But I also really want to find the strength to set those boundaries and LET him fall. I fear that to see him hurting or sick will be too much for my weak self...and all of these thoughts are consuming me. When will I find the right boundaries to set, even my first boundary? How will I make my lips say the word "no" ? And how will I survive the pain of the name calling and yelling when it will inevitebly happen?

Thank you so much, I need hope above all else.

Selah

JWife 22 is a wise woman - she gave me great insight when I first came to SR

GiveLove

No, not true at all. On both counts.

Addicts do recover. Not often, and we are so blessed when they do. But they do.

And "strength" is hardly what it takes to stay with an abusive, controlling, threatening, manipulative, self-centered, lying addict, which is what your boyfriend appears to be. I'm sorry to put it that way, but he is damaging you and doesn't care, and that is bound to set a lot of teeth on edge around here. Most of us have been through it....and most of us couldn't see how awful it was at the time.

Staying with an addict like that, who doesn't even admit yet that he's an addict, doesn't take strength. That only takes self-denial and self-hatred on your part...STRENGTH is what it takes to start taking baby steps -- tiny, tiny steps -- toward making yourself a healthy and independent person (like jwife mentioned) so that you can face addiction on its own turf and decide what you want to do with your life, your relationship.

You have that within you. And tiny bit by tiny bit, you will find what you need.

Take one day at a time, averagegirl. Heck, take one HOUR at a time. But work on you first. For one small step: stop giving him money to kill himself with. If you had back all of the money you've already poured into his addiction, wouldn't you have something to protect yourself with (to find a place to go) if he decided to get violent with you?

Take care of yourself. He isn't going to do it, and you deserve a *good* life, not the one you have right now. You deserve love, not control.

Hugs,
GL

Jwife22

Listen to the "long timers" on here......its how I learned and how I got strength to do things.....its where i learned everything about dealing with addiction.

A very wise lady, Ann, on SR told me that you don't have to listen to it. As easy as it sounds, its hard.........but just walk away when an argument or discussion becomes heated. I can tell my husband, we are both angry and before we say hurtful things, I am going to walk away and cool off.

Not listening or participating in the arguments is a boundary.

My best advice is to get to a meeting. What worked for me and my husband, may not work for you but in a meeting you can learn what will work for you.

notsleepingwell

Just wanted to welcome you to SR!!! Because I'm about to say some things that will possibly tick you off!!! My addict is my daughter. Addiction is progressive. What you have now is the tip of the iceburg. If you think it's not sooo good....just wait...it gets far worse.

My daughter was a nurse, with a son, apt, car etc, etc!! She spiraled down to the depths, including losing her son, her job, became homeless....and started prostituting to get money for her DOC!!! This was NOT my daughter!!! Just like it's not the man you fell in love with!!!

Can things change?? Sure!! But you have to make a decision ...do you want to be dragged down into the depths. Cause let me tell you, it will escalate!! Do you think if any of us coulda stopped the progression we would be on this site?! We all thought it couldn't happen to our loved ones! We all thought we could cure this with love and support.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh...I just want to stop someone from going down this road if they don't have to. Is this the person you want to bring babies into the world with?? Someone who lies, steals and will do anything to get their DOC?? Read the papers...the horror stories you hear about "child neglect, child endangerment, even death....most are related to drugs!!"

You deserve sooo much more!! Your unborn children deserve a father who can provide for them and love them and you, as a true partner should. And note I said partner....you can not be the ONLY partner in a relationship....if you are carrying the load alone...it is not a relationship.

If you truely love this man...give the relationship time....let him get healthy and prove to you that he is the man worthy of your committment. Never mind having to prove to him....let him prove to you!!!


RUN!!!! You are near the top of a slippery slope. It's not pretty down here at the bottom. My grandson is basically an orphan right now because of drugs....is this what you would choose for your children??

Please don't be offended!! I'm offering this out of concern..and because I am co-dependent..lol.

hbb

Hi there, I hope your feeling better this afternoon. I read your story and i'm here personally because my exabf was the alcoholic in my life. But, i was also involved with the his family very closely as his sister in law's DOC is cocaine. She is 27 years old, had a good job, husband and 3 children. She has now (in the past year) has fallen so far as to she lost custody of her 3 children, had 3 car accidents, may lose her husband and has been in and out of rehab several times. As i watched this, and watched his family do everything for her, i truly believe she hasn't hit her bottom because everyone is always picking up the pieces. I know it's sad to watch but i believe it's the only way she personally will get clean.

My heart breaks for you as my exabf is now in AA and has been drinking since 16, now 34. It's devistating to watch but there truly is nothing you/me any of us can do and i, like you, had to find out the hard way. I thought i could fix him and in the end am now realizing i can only work on me which is tough but i'm now doing that take care of you first, these friends in this forum have SAVED MY LIFE, i truly mean it, they are great, loving, and very helpful. Don't hesitate to write/ask anything here. My thoughts are with you.

lil516

Welcome to Sr

your story is painful to read...so much going on

please try to imagine how you would react to a similar story told to you by a friend...

all signs indicate that your fiance is an addict
most likely using in your home ...(no one takes baths that long behind locked doors calling to other rooms on a cell phone...not unless something is going on behind that door...)

he is destroying you financially and will continue to do so until the well runs dry
please protect your finances

you do not need to decide on what to do about your relationship yet but you do need to to start taking care of yourself....focus on you....you do not owe him anything because he cared for you and helped you through a rough time....


I hope that you are able to find face to face support to help you through this difficult time...do you have family?

It is always sad to read about the devastation that addiction causes
please know you are not alone

take baby steps and begin to focus on you
you deserve a better life

hope213

(((((averagegirl))))) my prayers are with you & him.keep coming back, there is lots to learn here.welcome to S.R.

averagegirl

Thank you all. He'll be home soon, so I wont be back till tomorrow. This is the only thing on my mind now.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

krhea75

Average girl,
Sorry for this situation you have found yourself in. I am very impressed by your openness and honesty in your posts. You want to keep the situation so badly, and I can sympathise. My son is my addict and I wanted to believe his lies and did for a while. But I woke up when someone on this site said you are hurting him by living in denial and believing his lies. My son has been through 5 rehabs and is just now going into a recovery home. Do your boyfriend a favor. Don't believe him. Not a word. Let him experience the consequences of his actions. That's the most loving thing you can do.
krhea

rahsue

[QUOTE=I think he is using, ]

you think???

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and hurt. Do you think you are over your first love lost? I want to tell you to run. It's all going to be your decision on how much you're willing to put up with. It doesn't sound so good to me, keep reading here and learn. Knowledge is power.

good luck

DoingWell

Sticking by you and loving you, supporting you is one thing. He didn't fix you.

No one here is saying to leave or kick him out, only you can decide what is best for YOU. If you decide to stay and support him, I strongly suggest you get into some type of help group so that you can make better choices (Enabling vs. supporting)
It can get very confusing trying to find that fine line of helping vs. enabling.
You also really need to figure out why you are afraid of confrontation.. If you are not going to enable but plan to be there for him to love and support him, you will need to confront him with your boundaries. Confronting him does not have to be a means of accusing him or even looking to validate your suspicions. Go to him KNOWING he is an active addict and only do so when you are ready to create healthy boundaries for YOURSELF.. Not him.
You didn't Cause this, You cannot Control this and you cannot cure it. If you plan on staying with him, be prepared for the ride of your life, no one here can tell you when to get off. You'll know when it's time if it's time.

LearningHusband

AverageGirl

Did you ever stop to think that you can set boundaries for yourself and simply tell him - "I need my space right now and you need help to get better. If you choose to get better, I will be there for you. For now the marriage plans are on hold. I will be happy to look at things in 6 months and see how I feel then."

This way, you're not bailing out, but you are being sensible about the rest of your life and evaluating what you're getting into. What is the rest of your life worth to you? Holding onto some past feeling of him being your other half is simply not reality right now. Maybe it can be again, if he gets help, but if he doesn't, that person you knew will simply disappear - consumed by drugs.




I wish I had had the gift that you have of knowing that your fiance is an addict. I didn't - it cam much later with my ex wife. Had I known, I never would have put myself through all that.

bookmiser

Welcome to sr. I'm not gonna call you by your screen name, because I believe your anything but average.
My addict is my 25 yo son.
There was a time in my life, where I was in love with the wrong person and their addiction to alcohol/drugs almost destroyed me too.
Do you know that, and believe me, I do not listen to country music, but that song from the movie, Urban Cowboy..."Lookin' for love in all the wrong places"?
That song was written about me. lol Just kidding.
I know where your at and I know where you've been.
Alot of us codependents do.
I agree with everyone else.
Slow down. Take things one day at a time. Definitely start to make changes that benefit you.
Keep coming here for support. You should also find an alanon/naranon group in your area to attend. They're free.
Your in my thoughts and prayers tonight and I want you to know...
You've got a friend in me.
(d*mn! i have all these cliche songs running through my head tonight.)

Hugs,

averagegirl

Hi all,

Thank you again for all of the kind and wise advice.
Last Saturday, which I believe was the day after my last post, I did indeed confront him.

On Saturday morning, I awoke with sheer despair...something felt so wrong, I was so sick inside. These chest pains and tightness were nearly unbearable. My veins were sticking out, and they NEVER stick out (I know sounds weird, but it made sense later).

I was in the washroom downstairs, the one he spends so much time in...and I ws fiddling with a pair of earrings. I dropped one into the trash can and bent down to dig the thing out. While my hand was in there, I felt something hard, about half the size of an egg. Being that there is nothing I could think of that should be in the garbage that was hard and heavy like that, I fished it out. The back of my mind was telling me that "this was it", and he had been careless this time.

It was wrapped up in a few layers of tissue. I unwrapped it and it was a piece from a ratchet, cant remember what they are called, but its a tool. It was clean, no residue, and I still cannot figure out how a cocaine user utilizes this, but in my heart, I know that was what it was for...there was no reason for it to be there, and no reason for it to be wrapped up that way.

I nearly vomited, quickly wrapped it back up, replaced it and came upstairs.

I called my mother in law, bawling...she seemed more concerned about my safety than anything. She knows that his temper is very bad, and though hes never hit me, she seems to think that it was a possibility if I confronted him.

I was absolutely lost, sick. No idea what to do, where to go, whether I should leave....just screwed.

I stood up too fast in the kitchen, got dizzy and started to black out, fell, hit my head on the corner of the counter, cracking it open and sat there crying.

Strangely, he called me a few moments after it happened. (he was at work)

Since I was crying, confused, I did not tell him WHY I was so upset, but just that I had fallen, and when I told him my chest was still going through the same feelings as the night before, he said aloud what I was fearing. That I was having a heart attack.

He came home from work and took me to the hospital.

Turns out that there are a few things wrong...and perhaps this might end up being the best thing that ever happened, as horrible as that sounds:

I have some sort of premature ventricular something or other...its not considered a serious threat unless intense pain lasts longer than 20 minutes. Im only 31 years old, so its not the top priority. I have developed an ulcer in my esophagous (SP?) which is actively bleeding. Because of this, Im unable to eat and havent been able to on a regular basis for months. Ive lost a lot of weight, and people are noticing. Im already a small girl, so its pretty obvious that something is wrong.

I throw up most anything I manage to get in! I am on medicine now to assist with that issue.

However, my blood pressure is high. I shake and get dizzy when Im upset, and the doctors indicated that I need to start addressing some of the stresses in my life. Case in point, my fiance.

So, when we finally were on our way home from the hospital, I could see the fear in his eyes, how worried he was. So something in me snapped, and I said, "well honey, a lot of this is caused by stress, and the doctors think I need to deal with things, so we need to talk about some things I have never told you before."

When we got home, he took a bath.

I was past being angry, but I was hurt. I was laying in bed, which he had set up so lovingly for me. He got me some canned fruit to try to eat something, water, heating pad...

He spent a great deal of time in the tub, and even now, this moment, I believe he was high when he came out. But I had to address this. I could feel my heartrate rise more and more, to the point where I was faint.

He finally came out and came to bed. I told him I needed to ask him two questions.

Make a long story short, I caught him in a lie. For the first time in our relationship, I CALLED him on it.

He begun to get angry, but somehow kept himself in check. He was afraid. Afraid I was about to leave.

And then I said it..."Have you relapsed since the last conversation we had on the subject?"

He replied, after a long pause, "yes, once"

I said, "STOP LYING! I know it was more than once, I know there has been several times. Do you think Im stupid? You have played me for a fool!" (Im paraphrasing here, but its the basics, and I was out of my mind crying at this point).

He nodded his head.

I hardly raised my voice, which i still think was strange.

I told him that I should apologize too, because Ive suspected for a while, and lied and pretended nothing was wrong.

I told him that I wanted to seek some support for MYSELF, but was too afraid he would find out, and that is wrong.

Told him that I believe it is a family disease, and I am not going to leave if he relapses, but I will if he lies to me about it. (I dont know where all of this came from, Ive gone over this conversation a thousand times in my head, and NONE of it was like this in my head).

I also told him that he has lost my trust, and that was one of the most important things to me, it was one of the things that brought us together in the first place. That HE needs to work to get it back.

Also asked him to make a choice. Said that I wasnt about to give him hell for using drugs, that it was HIS choice to do so, but if he chooses that, I will not be around. I need to be his first love.

Also said that because I feel it is a FAMILY disease, I am affected too. And I am here to support him.

He then suggested that we call his mom, together (he does not know that she knows all, already), and come clean with her too. This is hard for him.

He suggested that we attend meetings together, he said he just needs to start following the principles of his program. He does not want me in the SAME meetings as him, thats a side of him hes not ready to share, and that, I understand and accept, but we could still go together, attend separate meetings...I wholeheartedy agreed.

I am not certain as to whether he is still using or not. Im relying on that feeling inside of me that tells me whether it is so. He is still spending a lot of time in the washroom, but now, he knows I am suspicious, and I do not pretend not to be. Me lying about it is not any better than him hiding it.

I asked him to TELL me when he gets that feeling, that urge, to use. I dont know that is even a feasible request, but wouldnt that show some level of trust, and wishing to heal and BE trusted? He was honest and said he didnt know if he could do that.

As for the trashy woman I was worried about. She was indeed in my home. Evidently she was with her boyfriend. I do not know whether I believe it or not, but the truth will come out, it always does. He knows that if there were ever any infidelity, I would be gone, no questions asked. That stance is one I will never, EVER deviate from. I reminded him of that. Somehow, I became powerful that day, I have to struggle to maintain that.

I have since told him that there will be NO MORE CHECKS, NO MORE PAYDAY LOANS. Yesterday he told me hes been thinking about our situation for a few days and he wants ME to have his bank card. I refused. He is not a child, and I will not take money from him in an attempt to stop him from using. He needs that independance, just like the rest of us, as well as the freedom to make those decisions on his own.

He did suggest that I become responsible for all of the budgeting (which I have been, but have been missing the money to have a real budget). I guess now only time will tell.

One thing I worry about though, is whether now, since he knows that I am suspicious, that he will simply be more careful, or less careful in an attempt to use reverse psychology. I dont know what to put past him...

This was my update...I hope Ive done the right thing. It feels right, some part of me compelled me to do and say what Ive said and done...

I look forward to your comments...you have all been so helpful.

averagegirl

One more note which I forgot to mention...
We talked to his mom on Monday. Nothing about the relapse was mentioned. IF he was high on cocaine, could he have forgotten that was one of his suggestions?

Also, no further mention of meetings. I will wait longer. I dont know that its right for me to suggest going, I dont want him resenting me for pushing, and I want to see HIM take that step...I cant force.

DoingWell

Not to be harsh, but so now, on top of YOUR stress you want his too?
Honey, I made that mistake too.. "Tell ME when you want to use and we'll get through it" OMG this made my stress levels go all over the place.

Yes, it's very likely. My xhb when he finally came clean to me, did all the things I wanted him to do AND used. So he had his cake and ate it too for a while.

Back to YOUR medical problems..
YOU have GOT to take your focus off of him and put it on YOU, this is YOUR life too. Yes addiction is a family disease IF YOU choose to let it eat at you, it will, it will feed on you, and eventually destroy you if you let it.

As for the money things, if you are going to stay, I suggest seperating all accounts, it's good you want him to be accountable for his own money, I hated playing banker myself and wish I hadn't for the time I did. Get your name off of any cards/credit you have with him.

Again though I have to say, with all you have going on medically....Please please take the time to focus ONLY on yourself. I hate to tell you this..but addicts LIE Over and over and over.. and though they genuinely do want to get better, they often need to lose a hell of a lot before they take action. Right now he might be worried about you and be genuine with his intentions.. but until you see the results of those intentions you are really not going to stop worrying unless you get help for yourself.
The anxiety, the worry.. will all be there tonight, tomorrow and the next day.
UNTIL you take your eyes off him and put them on yourself.

And one more piece of advice.. NEVER try and confront an addict when you know they have been using, they are either going to tell you anything you want to hear OR they are going to run back for more to avoid the truth. Any conversations you have with him should start out "I am not going to discuss this while you are high"
You will never win an argument, make a point or reach an addict when they are high.

Again, I'm sorry this sounds so harsh.. like someone else mentioned, I would just so love to reach one person and spare them of the Nightmare that all too often gets worse before getting better.

You had also mentioned you wanted some positive feedback.
I divorced my xhb and completely changed my focus from hm to me and our two kids.
He is now 16 months clean and sober, we do not discuss drugs, recovery, (Other than me occasionaly telling him how proud I am that he is once again the friend I had and the father he was)
His recovery is all his.. he has more than made ammends to me and to our kids, but his actions made that possible.. not his lips moving and saying the words "I'm sorry"
We are great friends and we have a wonderful relationship and we co-parent our 2 kids just a block away from each other. We were together 15 years (would have been 20 this October) and our relationship is at an even better level than it was 10 years ago. Recovery is possible.. but I had to let him go to let it happen.

You can actually LOVE someone to DEATH.

Please take care of yourself.