22Tango

I want so bad to provide a better life for my kids, and I wish I could. I don't want my ex to get custody, but if I don't find a place to live by May 8 there is nothing to stop him. If I don't have a place to live, there goes my child support and my status as a custodial parent.

I am just so weary. I can't seem to catch a break. I pray and pray - talk to my Alanon contacts - read my literature - yet things just keep getting worse and worse. Tonight, I got issued a warning citation for a nonregistered car. I can't afford to register it right now - in my state, that is $78. I can't get busted again. This $900, 1988 car is all I have because the van I had got reposessed. The front right brakes on the 1988 are shot due to a bad rotor - right now, it is metal on metal. I only take it to work and back - 40 mile round trip. I don't know how I will get it fixed. Too bad mechanics don't do pro bono work like lawyers do. The car is fully insured, though, and I have a clean driving record. I think that is the only thing that kept me from getting an actual ticket.

Right now, I just want to hang my head and cry, cry, cry. I am so sad and anxious. Tomorrow, I am going to apply for food stamps and financial assistance from the state. I am only planning on using it until I get back on my feet, but I feel very ashamed, small, and worthless. I work and work for no progress at all. My ex, a-hole that he is, seems to be the better parent.

If anyone at all is online at this late/early hour, I would appreciate any type of ESH you have. I just feel so low.

22Tango

HolyQow

Hi.....
I'm usually up this late. Sorry you are going through a difficult time. Are you new here? If so, welcome! If not, my bad for not checking.

Fill me in some more, I have a hundred questions ready.

New divorce? Custody change? Who's the alcoholic? How many kids?

mallowcup

I think going to social services is the wise thing to do. That's what these services are for. It can lead to other services that you are not aware of. I think it's an important step. Remember, this is not the conclusion, this is the process.

chero

This is part of the process but it still stinks! I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Please don't feel ashamed of anything. You do what you have to do to survive. Your kids need you and you need you. You have nothing to be ashamed of!
Praying for you! Cheryl

ICU

((22Tango)))

I'm sorry that you're going through so much.

I know that things seem kind of bleak right now, but it's temporary, it's not forever. In times like this I have to keep on telling myself, "I only have to get through this one day, that's all I expect of myself....just get through this one day". Somehow, whatever burdens I am bearing at the time don't seem so bad for just one day....

Please believe that with some time, some faith, and some effort, things will turn around for you.

Keep on venting....for that helps sometimes too!

WantsOut

Tango, don't you feel the slightest hesitation to go to social services and get some help. I was on welfare for one year when my son was little. I needed it. It helped us. I have paid about a million to the government over my lifetime (sales, income, property, dmv fees, etc) and I dont' feel at all bad about GETTING SOME BACK from those jackals when i needed it lol

Oh I know how it feels I surely do. I'm in a tight position myself - won't bore you with the details. All we can do is keep struggling. The real defeat is giving up ...

JEI2950

Wow, I wish I had words to comfort or assist you in this , I had to reach out to the services where I live to make ends meet as well, and in that regard you should'nt feel ashamed . Sometimes I have felt embarrassed to say I need help, primarily because I thought I had a some kind of handle on what happened in my life , and I felt low because I knew that I didn't and that I really needed help . My addictions were and still are the lowest point of my life and I find it hard to accept that anything that happens after I decided to stay clean is worse than the pain ,rejection ,loneliness,and despair that I felt while using ... STAY UP !!! and when you go tommorow /today ask about job training , Housing Assistance and whatever else you can think of . I agree with WantsOut milk the State for whatever you can get ,Lord knows we all have paid enough in . Hope and Love JEI2950

dollydo

Apply for aid, they have apartments that you can move to and pay minimal rent.

Call your local state representive, they have all the information you could want.

Sorry you are going thru this.

FormerDoormat

Sounds like you're in a very deep hole and you need some help digging yourself out. Obviously, you're working since you mentioned driving to work every day. Does your employer have an employee assistance program? Sounds like you could use some sound financial advice, and they may be able to point you in the right direction. And obviously some changes in your living situation are in order.

Don't understand why you need to move by May or risk losing your children or child support. Is your husband the addict or are you? Sorry, but there are too many unanswered questions for me to respond fully.

kermit

I wish I woul have read this sooner, I too need to apply for government assistance..I am not ashamed. I plan on yaking advantage of anything I can right now, I'm going to see if I can get into one of the states school programs, I have always wanted to be a nurse. My field(sub prime mtg) is over I need something new. Maybe this is will be the help WE need. Hold your head high, and do what needs to be done for you and your children..We ar worth iy. Please do not be ashamed to reach out for help.
Love, Kermmie!

itiswhatitis...

22

don't feel bad about social services - that's what their there for and what you pay for - to help when you need it - when my husband was in a car accident 15 yrs ago - hospital told me that i should apply for medicaid as husband wasn't working, and couldn't collect unemployment while hospitalized we didn't have health insurance and they didn't think our auto policy would pay for the hospitalization - i didn't know if husband would make it and didn't work and did what hospital told me to do - i had no reason to feel one way or another but the person i originally talked to was such a biatch - her coworkers over heard her and brought me aside to give me emergency assistance (i had my 2 yrold , at the time, son) they gave me $500 cash and got me food stamps, and a gas card (to get me back and forth tothe hospital) those people were so sweet - we ended up getting services for about 2months medicaid for longer, ih ope you have someone listen to you that doesn't try and make you feel like crap - you shouldn't - you're doing what you need to do - it's going to be ok...

love,
s

22Tango

Husband is the recovering alcoholic.

Moved into a house in January with a woman who had a small son; we were going to swap child care so we could both work. Turned out she was a psycho, in the middle of her SECOND divorce from the same sex/drug addict. Her house was disgusting: mouse crap in the kitchen, raw sewage dripping from the ceiling in the family room, rotten food in the fridge - you name it. Not to mention she had no problem telling me off about how messy I was in front of my kids. I told her she could criticize, but in private - that is maturity. Eventually she told me I was no longer allowed to even lock my door to my room when I left the house - I.E. my person and my possessions were no longer secure. She threatened me and my kids told me she was mistreating them when I was at work. So we left ASAP and I was forced to stay with the ex for the moment.

He said I could stay until May 8. By then I have to get an apartment. If I don't have one, he said on May 9th he will be in court to get my status as residential parent stripped and recover his court-ordered child support.

Bright note - someone at work I have known forever has offered me a loan of $500. I didn't ask, they offered. So maybe can get car registered and fixed. Small steps...

22Tango

queenteree

(((22Tango))) What made you and your ex RAH live apart in the first place? Doesn't sound to me like he is that far into his recovery. In any event, I don't know what state you live in but here in NY, if my ex was to take me to court for my custodial status to be stripped, I would tell the court all he did to me that caused me to leave him, tell them he is a recovering A (and you may want to mention if he is attending any kind of follow up treatment, i.e., AA, therapy, etc. - if he isn't, how can he be award custody), tell the court exactly what you told us about the place you were living in with the psycho lady and how you had to leave for the sake of your children, and see if there is an advocate there for you and your kids. In the meantime, in NY, DSS would (after much pleading) put you and your kids up in a motel (if you are homeless, but right now you still have time) till you find permanent housing, can help pay the security for permanent housing, and you can be set up for food stamps, etc. Also, there are organizations that help single working mothers in similar situations. Did you try Catholic Charities or organizations like that. They even help pay bills (even though you must be working). There are options out there and you sound like a strong woman whose been through alot. I know you can make it work, and soon you'll be able to look back and think of how far you have come.

resentful wife

Change of custody won't happen over night. Go to every social service in your area Red Cross United Way Salavation Army and don't forget the church's. I've had to go that route once not my finest moment but It got me thru. Get your car taken care of first and Keep your chin up.

MsPINKAcres

((22Tango))

Hate so much that you are faced with such challenges right now - They can be so overwhelming.
Don't forget to Breathe - Just Breathe.
Try to tackle each problem One at a Time - just like we take life - One Day at a Time or One Hour at a Time.

I have worked for my State government for over 20 yrs in various Agencies. Most of the people I have worked with are willing help the people we serve. You don't have to be ashamed or feel less than.

If you treat your case worker with courtesy and respect, usually the case worker will be more than willing to help you and guide you to all assistance you may be eligible for (I know this is not always the case, there are some nasty people out there, but most are really nice workers). If you are working our state offers - food stamps, Child Care Assistance & WIC (Depending on the age of your children), Medical Card for the children under age 18, Free Breakfast & Lunch programs if the are school age, and Section 8 (Subsidised housing rental programs)

Also, there is the Legal Aide Agency & the Local Woman's Shelters that will help mothers & their children with legal issues.

Hope you are able to get some help you need & deserve.

Also - "This too shall pass" - You & Your HP will be ok - even better than OK.

Peace,
Rita

Tess L

Does your local high school or vocational school have an automotive program? My son was a student in the automotive class at his high school and did work on cars as part of the curriculum. I had them do the brakes on my car and all I had to pay for was the parts which was around $70. (The garage had quoted me more than $250). It takes a little longer than if you take it to a garage, but the kids do good work and in the program my son was in the instructor was a master mechanic so it was done right.

Over_It

At my church (a non-denominational congregation that is rather large for this area) they have a service day 2 or 3x a year where they have members come in and volunteer for the day doing work on cars for free. They also have a benevolence fund set up to help people out with cash. I guess that would only help you if you were in this area, but other churches may do such things also.

hope2bhappy

The thing that jumps out at me is that you have the children, but your ex is the one with a roof over his head. He wants to take you to court??? I'd say "Bring it on." I don't think the judge will look favorably on you being destitute. In fact, he might even increase the child support.

nogard

(((22Tango))) These things take time so instead of living in the fear of what if, take the next step to sort things out, you have some good advice here, I believe the best course is to get some safe housing and to not worry about your ex, just look after you.

Kevin

ICU

How are you doing today Tango? Any better??? Remember, just one day at a time, ok?