Where To Start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
Where to start 
Wednesday night this week I would say was "rock bottom" for me. And it wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for my wife. My drinking was so out of control that I was hiding booze in the house so that she and the kids wouldn't see me. All the while still being under control of my senses (most of the time).
It didn't stop there either. It got so bad that I couldn't make it through work without feelings of anxiety that felt like my heart was going to explode. This is when and where I began abusing prescription pain meds that I would swipe out of my Dad's medicine cabinet. To the point that I would be taking up to 6 or 8 of these just to get through the work day before I could make it home to grab the bottle.
Wednesday night was the last night I have had anything in my body besides a Tylenol for my constant body ache and chills. My wife told me while we were watching TV that a week ago she had found a half empty bottle of vodka in the top drawer of my dresser and that this week it is empty. She asked why I was hiding it from her. I really didn't have an answer for her and she promptly went to bed. I then gathered as much composer as I could and went upstairs to the bedroom. The words finally came out of my mouth. "I have a problem" I told her. Those were the hardest words I have ever had to say, as well as being the most liberating. For the first time in my life there was something out of my control and I didn't know how to stop it.
I had always thought that I could stop drinking anytime I wanted to. To my disbelief when you finally say that "I can NEVER have that again, not ONCE not EVER" it really changes how you feel about the whole thing. I had gone a couple weeks off beer before, always knowing that I could reward myself with the ocassional "one". Well as it always turned out that one led to another and another until I was back into it full swing. Never thinking that "I had a problem". I know now that I cannot EVER have another "one" and not be brought back into it's evil clutches.
The guilt, and shame are the worst of all of this I think. I cannot remember a time where I cried so hard. Was it because I knew it was over and I didn't like it or was it because I have finally been freed! I am going with the latter on that one. Because at moments today I felt totally free for the first time in probably 12 years or more. (that's how long it been where I drank everyday).
Finally I can start to get better and to show my wife and children the love that I have been showing my mistress (the bottle) for all that time. It's weird how easily it creeps up on you that you don't even realize somethings wrong until you stop and look back at how bad it really was.
Lord only knows why it started in the first place. Maybe it was all back when I got my first management position? Maybe it would have happened anyway? Who knows. I just can't dwell on the past and all of the why's or what if's. All I can focus on is the present and where I go from here. No long term goals besides getting better and there's no timeline on that one either. One day or 10 years... I'M GETTING MY LIFE BACK!!! The last thing I ever want is to see a bottle in my kids hands and have them ruin their lives. Some things I am happy about is that I never hurt any of them (physically) or killed anyone with my car. (not that I drove in that state anyway). Emotionally though I hope to repair any disconnection with my family that I might have caused.
The good thing is that my wife is SOOOO supportive of me and that is a true blessing. No yelling, no accusations, just undying support. Even though she doesn't have a clue what I am going through physically and mentally it's nice to finally have someone to talk to about. (yourselves included)
I will seek help outside of my family, I'm just not sure where to start at the moment. A call to the Emplyee Assistance Program might be in order
I know that I will not be able to do this alone, as this NEEDS to be permanant and I need some real structure of support to go along with my healing.
Anyways. I guess I completed my autobiography now! haha.
Here's to my new life of sobriety and reclaiming my sanity!
some lyrics that sort of took on a new meaning today.
"I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear"
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
P.S. thanks for listening
Wednesday night this week I would say was "rock bottom" for me. And it wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for my wife. My drinking was so out of control that I was hiding booze in the house so that she and the kids wouldn't see me. All the while still being under control of my senses (most of the time).
It didn't stop there either. It got so bad that I couldn't make it through work without feelings of anxiety that felt like my heart was going to explode. This is when and where I began abusing prescription pain meds that I would swipe out of my Dad's medicine cabinet. To the point that I would be taking up to 6 or 8 of these just to get through the work day before I could make it home to grab the bottle.
Wednesday night was the last night I have had anything in my body besides a Tylenol for my constant body ache and chills. My wife told me while we were watching TV that a week ago she had found a half empty bottle of vodka in the top drawer of my dresser and that this week it is empty. She asked why I was hiding it from her. I really didn't have an answer for her and she promptly went to bed. I then gathered as much composer as I could and went upstairs to the bedroom. The words finally came out of my mouth. "I have a problem" I told her. Those were the hardest words I have ever had to say, as well as being the most liberating. For the first time in my life there was something out of my control and I didn't know how to stop it.
I had always thought that I could stop drinking anytime I wanted to. To my disbelief when you finally say that "I can NEVER have that again, not ONCE not EVER" it really changes how you feel about the whole thing. I had gone a couple weeks off beer before, always knowing that I could reward myself with the ocassional "one". Well as it always turned out that one led to another and another until I was back into it full swing. Never thinking that "I had a problem". I know now that I cannot EVER have another "one" and not be brought back into it's evil clutches.
The guilt, and shame are the worst of all of this I think. I cannot remember a time where I cried so hard. Was it because I knew it was over and I didn't like it or was it because I have finally been freed! I am going with the latter on that one. Because at moments today I felt totally free for the first time in probably 12 years or more. (that's how long it been where I drank everyday).
Finally I can start to get better and to show my wife and children the love that I have been showing my mistress (the bottle) for all that time. It's weird how easily it creeps up on you that you don't even realize somethings wrong until you stop and look back at how bad it really was.
Lord only knows why it started in the first place. Maybe it was all back when I got my first management position? Maybe it would have happened anyway? Who knows. I just can't dwell on the past and all of the why's or what if's. All I can focus on is the present and where I go from here. No long term goals besides getting better and there's no timeline on that one either. One day or 10 years... I'M GETTING MY LIFE BACK!!! The last thing I ever want is to see a bottle in my kids hands and have them ruin their lives. Some things I am happy about is that I never hurt any of them (physically) or killed anyone with my car. (not that I drove in that state anyway). Emotionally though I hope to repair any disconnection with my family that I might have caused.
The good thing is that my wife is SOOOO supportive of me and that is a true blessing. No yelling, no accusations, just undying support. Even though she doesn't have a clue what I am going through physically and mentally it's nice to finally have someone to talk to about. (yourselves included)
I will seek help outside of my family, I'm just not sure where to start at the moment. A call to the Emplyee Assistance Program might be in order
I know that I will not be able to do this alone, as this NEEDS to be permanant and I need some real structure of support to go along with my healing.
Anyways. I guess I completed my autobiography now! haha.
Here's to my new life of sobriety and reclaiming my sanity!
some lyrics that sort of took on a new meaning today.
"I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear"
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
P.S. thanks for listening
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi Hoeboe,
I am glad that you found us!
It sounds like you experienced a lot of emotion when you decided that this was really the end. I can sure relate to that. It was very, very scary, but in the end, so freeing. You are lucky to have the support of your wife and there is also lots of support here at SR.
I am glad that you found us!
It sounds like you experienced a lot of emotion when you decided that this was really the end. I can sure relate to that. It was very, very scary, but in the end, so freeing. You are lucky to have the support of your wife and there is also lots of support here at SR.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hello and Welcome!
I suggest you read the top 2 post in our Alcoholism Forum..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/
It's great to see you are moving forward..
Blessings to you and your family
I suggest you read the top 2 post in our Alcoholism Forum..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/
It's great to see you are moving forward..
Blessings to you and your family
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Where to start
Thought you might appreciate this old poem:
The Guy in the Glass
by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
Last edited by Jersey Nonny; 11-24-2006 at 07:14 PM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 348
Congrats on your courage. I think this will be your best life decision ever. Your wife and family are very lucky to have a dad and husband that cares enough about himself and his family to take action against his evil addiction.
Joanne
Joanne
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi hoboe and welcome!
what an open first post! congratulations. I agree with laurience - you best life decision ever. Your wife and family are luck to have you, too - as much as you are to have them.
peace!
what an open first post! congratulations. I agree with laurience - you best life decision ever. Your wife and family are luck to have you, too - as much as you are to have them.
peace!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Middle Ga
Posts: 1,515
Hi and welcome.
I did pretty much what you did 10 days ago. Thought (and think) the same things. I did contact EAP through my husband's work- great place to go. I was very open with them and they were very helpful. They suggested I go to a psych. and a therapist. Since then I have made appts, told a few people, and come on this site for support a few times each day. Everytime I tell someone about it I feel better. I have had nothing but love and understanding- and support. I don't know how old your kids are, but they are giving me some of the most love and support of all. You are fortunate to have an understanding and supportive spouse- I do to.
If you get overwhelmed, breathe and post... someone seems to always be here.
I did pretty much what you did 10 days ago. Thought (and think) the same things. I did contact EAP through my husband's work- great place to go. I was very open with them and they were very helpful. They suggested I go to a psych. and a therapist. Since then I have made appts, told a few people, and come on this site for support a few times each day. Everytime I tell someone about it I feel better. I have had nothing but love and understanding- and support. I don't know how old your kids are, but they are giving me some of the most love and support of all. You are fortunate to have an understanding and supportive spouse- I do to.
If you get overwhelmed, breathe and post... someone seems to always be here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Hi Hoeboe, I am VERY impressed with your post. You really have identified your issues and declared them for the world to see. I will keep you in my prayers and I am stronger for having read of your struggle to find freedom.
Thank you, Peace, Levi
Thank you, Peace, Levi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
Thank you all for the warm welcomes! This place is really great. This is day 3 for me without using and so far it's been about 25% better each day off. I woke up this morning with a bit of fear running. That was until my head started playing Terri Clark's "NO FEAR" song. That turned the switch off for awhile and made me drive to the closest Walmart at 8am to get a copy of that song.
Today is my wife's birthday and we are so far having a great day. We went to a Christmas tree farm today just to look around at the nice Christmas store they have. Got some home cooked fries... kissed on the "kissing bridge". What a BEAUTIFUL day!!
I have sort of got a craving for my music again. I used to do amateur DJ'ing along time ago and actually took out a bunch of my stuff and started rocking out at 8:30am with the Crue, The Cult, U2, Terri Clark. HAHA. Neibours probably were lovin' that. Then on the way to the tree farm I couldn't stop from singing EVERY song on the radio. (even if i didn't know the words). I almost wanted to pull the car over and start dancing. LOL
I hope those feelings never go away!! I always cared how others saw me. I am the one at work that everyone runs to because I always have the solution. I never cut loose (until i was overly lubricated) before and would not dance to save my soul. Tonight may be different though. We are going out for supper for my wife's B-day. Maybe we can find a place to go dancing. Only thing that scares me though is that it would be a bar or club... soooo... for now we may just have to come home grab a Coke and dance the night away in the basement with me playing DJ.
I did get some other not so good cravings today as well. As I was driving home that evil voice just popped the thought into my head that "hey you can have a beer at home!" The millisecond I heard that the sober part of me yelled back "NO WAY $%$#! THERE AIN"T NOTHING AT HOME!!" So strange how that thought had crept in to try and deceive me. Again it happened when I got up from a nap this afternoon. As soon as I opened my eyes I had a pretty heavy urge to have a drink. SO instead I came here and poured out what I did today that was so much fun and THIS has also been fun.
Some other lyrics the I rediscovered today. Weird that it is off the Gran Tourismo 3 soundtrack. I'll share.
8am with a coffee kick start
Step outside to my broken down car
I know i've forgotten my pack of cigarettes
The whole day's like a slow train coming
Sometimes i find myself running
Tell me man is this as good as the whole world's gonna get?
I get the feeling it's a new day, sun is rising
I get the feeling everything is gonna change
Search the road for some friendly faces
My legs lead me to some strung out places
My mind burns with the words that i forget
I don't seem to be able to lose me
I warm the streets that shake and bruise me
Tell me man is this as good as the whole worlds gonna get?
I get the feeling this was sent to test me
Can i please get someone to bless me
I still forgot those damn cigarettes
Cos i travel in my own illusion
Cut a path through all the confusion
Tell me man is this as good as the whole world's gonna get?
I get the feeling it's a new day, sun is rising
I get the feeling everything is gonna change
I fall asleep with the tv too loud
Spending time staying in with the out crowd
Dreams come and leave me in cold sweats
Tomorrow feels like a new day coming
I can't see it being all for nothing
And i know it's as good as the whole world's gonna get
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe (back in the world again!)
Today is my wife's birthday and we are so far having a great day. We went to a Christmas tree farm today just to look around at the nice Christmas store they have. Got some home cooked fries... kissed on the "kissing bridge". What a BEAUTIFUL day!!
I have sort of got a craving for my music again. I used to do amateur DJ'ing along time ago and actually took out a bunch of my stuff and started rocking out at 8:30am with the Crue, The Cult, U2, Terri Clark. HAHA. Neibours probably were lovin' that. Then on the way to the tree farm I couldn't stop from singing EVERY song on the radio. (even if i didn't know the words). I almost wanted to pull the car over and start dancing. LOL
I hope those feelings never go away!! I always cared how others saw me. I am the one at work that everyone runs to because I always have the solution. I never cut loose (until i was overly lubricated) before and would not dance to save my soul. Tonight may be different though. We are going out for supper for my wife's B-day. Maybe we can find a place to go dancing. Only thing that scares me though is that it would be a bar or club... soooo... for now we may just have to come home grab a Coke and dance the night away in the basement with me playing DJ.
I did get some other not so good cravings today as well. As I was driving home that evil voice just popped the thought into my head that "hey you can have a beer at home!" The millisecond I heard that the sober part of me yelled back "NO WAY $%$#! THERE AIN"T NOTHING AT HOME!!" So strange how that thought had crept in to try and deceive me. Again it happened when I got up from a nap this afternoon. As soon as I opened my eyes I had a pretty heavy urge to have a drink. SO instead I came here and poured out what I did today that was so much fun and THIS has also been fun.
Some other lyrics the I rediscovered today. Weird that it is off the Gran Tourismo 3 soundtrack. I'll share.
8am with a coffee kick start
Step outside to my broken down car
I know i've forgotten my pack of cigarettes
The whole day's like a slow train coming
Sometimes i find myself running
Tell me man is this as good as the whole world's gonna get?
I get the feeling it's a new day, sun is rising
I get the feeling everything is gonna change
Search the road for some friendly faces
My legs lead me to some strung out places
My mind burns with the words that i forget
I don't seem to be able to lose me
I warm the streets that shake and bruise me
Tell me man is this as good as the whole worlds gonna get?
I get the feeling this was sent to test me
Can i please get someone to bless me
I still forgot those damn cigarettes
Cos i travel in my own illusion
Cut a path through all the confusion
Tell me man is this as good as the whole world's gonna get?
I get the feeling it's a new day, sun is rising
I get the feeling everything is gonna change
I fall asleep with the tv too loud
Spending time staying in with the out crowd
Dreams come and leave me in cold sweats
Tomorrow feels like a new day coming
I can't see it being all for nothing
And i know it's as good as the whole world's gonna get
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe (back in the world again!)
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
Welcome hoeboe...
Happy Birthday to your wife...
I'm new here myself, but I've been doing alot of reading here. I can tell by your posts that you are on the right track both mentally and physically...
I quit drinking on 15 Nov and have some of the same feelings that you do...
Oh the "Stinkin Thinkin". The one where you have had a nice day or your starting to feel good about yourself. Thats when the "Oh, I think I'll get me a beer", or "Wouldn't a nice cold beer taste good right now", comes into your brain. Thats when you have to snap back into your sober mode and drop that thought right away...
I too have a very supportive wife that has put up with much mental abuse for years and years. For that I am very, very lucky...
I would suggest finding an AA meeting that you feel comfortable with. I myself would go this route before I would ask for help at work. If alcohol has affected your work and your supervisor's have noticed, maybe counseling help from work would be beneficial...
Again, best of luck to you. You are certainly heading in the right direction...
One day at a time.
Steve
Happy Birthday to your wife...
I'm new here myself, but I've been doing alot of reading here. I can tell by your posts that you are on the right track both mentally and physically...
I quit drinking on 15 Nov and have some of the same feelings that you do...
Oh the "Stinkin Thinkin". The one where you have had a nice day or your starting to feel good about yourself. Thats when the "Oh, I think I'll get me a beer", or "Wouldn't a nice cold beer taste good right now", comes into your brain. Thats when you have to snap back into your sober mode and drop that thought right away...
I too have a very supportive wife that has put up with much mental abuse for years and years. For that I am very, very lucky...
I would suggest finding an AA meeting that you feel comfortable with. I myself would go this route before I would ask for help at work. If alcohol has affected your work and your supervisor's have noticed, maybe counseling help from work would be beneficial...
Again, best of luck to you. You are certainly heading in the right direction...
One day at a time.
Steve
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
Thanks I'mready. The whole getting help at work thing is totally anonymous. It isn't through work, but through a mental health hospital. Work never finds out about it. (they just pay for it) The weird thing is that (here we go with the ego thing) I am the best employee they have. Never late, never sick, and have more knowledge than the rest of the place put together. I just had a review by my manager and he said only 1 other person got the scores that I did in the entire company of 150. The owner of the company just sent me a card the day after I decided to get off the booze that said that I was an "outstanding" employee and that she's so glad that I work for them. It was very strange getting THAT messgae the day that I thought I was gonna die and that I had accomplished what I have WHILE being as addicted as I was. Those are hard thoughts to process. Your brain tells you all the time that "it's the booze that got you where you are and why your successful". I know that's a lie that the evil side says so I ignore it. I am just thinking of what it's gonna be like when I'm REALLY on my game! HAHA. That place is gonna rock when I get my head straight.
Either that or I will start to ween off some of the work load and let someone else do it. No sense giving myself more to do at work when I could do more for MYSELF and family. I ain't gettin' anymore pay for doing more, but I will certainly get more from home by not doing more at work.
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
Either that or I will start to ween off some of the work load and let someone else do it. No sense giving myself more to do at work when I could do more for MYSELF and family. I ain't gettin' anymore pay for doing more, but I will certainly get more from home by not doing more at work.
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
hi, i am very glad you found sr...you will always find amazing amounts of support here...not to mention understanding and no judgement...you have done a very brave thing in admitting you have a problem...i hope everything works out for you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
Well I finally told the wife "the rest of the story" today. Up until this point I hadn't told her about the pain meds that I had also been taking. I guess it's just one of those things that us alcoholics go through. The fear, dread, and loathing of bringing up yet another undesireable topic in which to make them "worry" about. As if it hasn't already been hard enough.
I have also made the decision to go to my parents place tonight with my wife to spill the beans to them. I know my mother is going to be out of her mind crying and I absolutely know that she will blame HERSELF for me getting to this point. My father on the other hand I am not sure how he will take it. He'll either be really pissed that I have been stealing his stash of pain meds for which he REALLY needs due to degenerating discs in his back which the only alternative treatment is surgery which could leave him in a wheelchair, or he will be quiet and not understand my dilemma at all. (he's 70)
I sure hope that with him that he can find some sort of forgiveness for me. Whether it's tonight or a month from now.
What I DON'T want is for either of them to feel guilt themselves, thinking that they had anything to do with my problem.
Does anyone who has gone through this with their family have any ideas on how to comfort them in knowing that this is MY issue, and mine alone?
THE TRUTH WILL SET ME FREE! This I think will be the only way that I can get better. There can be no more secrets. No more deception!
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
I have also made the decision to go to my parents place tonight with my wife to spill the beans to them. I know my mother is going to be out of her mind crying and I absolutely know that she will blame HERSELF for me getting to this point. My father on the other hand I am not sure how he will take it. He'll either be really pissed that I have been stealing his stash of pain meds for which he REALLY needs due to degenerating discs in his back which the only alternative treatment is surgery which could leave him in a wheelchair, or he will be quiet and not understand my dilemma at all. (he's 70)
I sure hope that with him that he can find some sort of forgiveness for me. Whether it's tonight or a month from now.
What I DON'T want is for either of them to feel guilt themselves, thinking that they had anything to do with my problem.
Does anyone who has gone through this with their family have any ideas on how to comfort them in knowing that this is MY issue, and mine alone?
THE TRUTH WILL SET ME FREE! This I think will be the only way that I can get better. There can be no more secrets. No more deception!
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: The Northland
Posts: 34
Are you sure it's necessary to unburden yourself to your parents so soon in your recovery? I know it would make you feel better (like a cheating spouse feels better after fessing up) but at this time, what would be gained? Just something to think about... make sure you're looking at the greater good. What is to be accomplished by telling your parents now rather than say six months into your recovery, when they can see for themselves the changes you've made? One step at a time...
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