Newcommer...again
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Newcommer...again
I figured I'd post back in Newcommers as that is really where I belong. I've been bouncing around this board for a long time, getting help, but never quite "getting it".
Most would think I "bottomed out" when I tried to kill myself and ended up in the ER and Psych ward, but I had scored within a half hour of being let out. When I moved back in with my parrents I managed to stay off the pot for about 8 months, but was still drinking, saying alcohol wasn't really my problem, pot was. Around this time last year I started smoking again. Same old same old, started out small and, well last week I spent almost $400 on pot. Now all the money I saved to move back home, out of the parrents house, is gone. I've been here too many times before, something has to be different this time.
I have plenty of support if I will use it. My family will help me in any way, if I let them. I have plenty of "recovery" material to use SMART, Lifering, NA materials, again, just have to use them. I started working on my SMART workbook today and just have to keep focus. My parrents are out of town until Tuesday, but I plan to come clean with them on everything when they return. I am also going to implement a new schedule where I go to the gym in the morning before work. This, I hope will help with the insominia that is so frequently a trigger for me to go back to smoking and drinking. I know someone is going to suggest meetings, so I guess I should address that. Where I currently live there are only 2 NA meetings a day and I can't make either of them due to my work schedule. I have had a lot of issues with 12 step recovery in the past, and I guess probably still have some, but I do plan on attending meetings when I return home. The NA community is very well established there and I feel comfortable with the people. Hopefully by the time I get back there I'll have a few months of clean time under my belt too.
So anyway, that's the plan. Today was day 1, though I dont' count days, it's a trigger for me!! If nothing else I just want to stop living a lie, that's going to be tough, as it's about the only way I know how to live!!
On a somewhat related note, I know this show has been a bit contrivercial around here, but "Breaking Bonnaduce" on VH1 has helped me. I know many think it is exploitive, and perhaps it is, but I see so many similarties in the struggles of Danny and his wife and my own. She has stood by him for so many years, but is reaching the end of her rope, I've been in the same spot. I don't know why I do some of the things I do and that is truly frustrating. I guess I do know, I'm an addict and mentally ill, but comming to terms with that is a battle. Anyway, just watching him go through so many of the same things that I've gone through is somehow helpful to me, even though it hurts a great deal to realize all I've given away to find myself here.
Anyway, thanks in advance for the support, as well as the occasional PM while I was gone. Take care all.
Most would think I "bottomed out" when I tried to kill myself and ended up in the ER and Psych ward, but I had scored within a half hour of being let out. When I moved back in with my parrents I managed to stay off the pot for about 8 months, but was still drinking, saying alcohol wasn't really my problem, pot was. Around this time last year I started smoking again. Same old same old, started out small and, well last week I spent almost $400 on pot. Now all the money I saved to move back home, out of the parrents house, is gone. I've been here too many times before, something has to be different this time.
I have plenty of support if I will use it. My family will help me in any way, if I let them. I have plenty of "recovery" material to use SMART, Lifering, NA materials, again, just have to use them. I started working on my SMART workbook today and just have to keep focus. My parrents are out of town until Tuesday, but I plan to come clean with them on everything when they return. I am also going to implement a new schedule where I go to the gym in the morning before work. This, I hope will help with the insominia that is so frequently a trigger for me to go back to smoking and drinking. I know someone is going to suggest meetings, so I guess I should address that. Where I currently live there are only 2 NA meetings a day and I can't make either of them due to my work schedule. I have had a lot of issues with 12 step recovery in the past, and I guess probably still have some, but I do plan on attending meetings when I return home. The NA community is very well established there and I feel comfortable with the people. Hopefully by the time I get back there I'll have a few months of clean time under my belt too.
So anyway, that's the plan. Today was day 1, though I dont' count days, it's a trigger for me!! If nothing else I just want to stop living a lie, that's going to be tough, as it's about the only way I know how to live!!
On a somewhat related note, I know this show has been a bit contrivercial around here, but "Breaking Bonnaduce" on VH1 has helped me. I know many think it is exploitive, and perhaps it is, but I see so many similarties in the struggles of Danny and his wife and my own. She has stood by him for so many years, but is reaching the end of her rope, I've been in the same spot. I don't know why I do some of the things I do and that is truly frustrating. I guess I do know, I'm an addict and mentally ill, but comming to terms with that is a battle. Anyway, just watching him go through so many of the same things that I've gone through is somehow helpful to me, even though it hurts a great deal to realize all I've given away to find myself here.
Anyway, thanks in advance for the support, as well as the occasional PM while I was gone. Take care all.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Hi Tyler,
Welcome back!
Your comment about living a lie and wanting to stop sure hit home with me. I was desparate to begin to be honest and truthful, but had learned to lie in early childhood. It was a survival thing and I didn't know how to live without lying. It's been a hard, but valuable part of recovery.
I haven't seen 'Breaking Bonaduce' but I understand it is very raw. I think if it helps you to feel connected, then it serves a purpose. I think that's why we're all here on this board - we want to feel we are not alone in this struggle.
Going to the gym is a good idea. I think it takes physical, mental and spiritual effort every day to maintain sobriety.
Welcome back!
Your comment about living a lie and wanting to stop sure hit home with me. I was desparate to begin to be honest and truthful, but had learned to lie in early childhood. It was a survival thing and I didn't know how to live without lying. It's been a hard, but valuable part of recovery.
I haven't seen 'Breaking Bonaduce' but I understand it is very raw. I think if it helps you to feel connected, then it serves a purpose. I think that's why we're all here on this board - we want to feel we are not alone in this struggle.
Going to the gym is a good idea. I think it takes physical, mental and spiritual effort every day to maintain sobriety.
Welcome back!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Northern MN
Posts: 54
Tyler,
I too have gone back and forth. Usually trading one addiction for another. Never really getting what is making me do this in the first sense. Today is my first weekend trying not to party. I live in a small town in northern Minnesota, so drinking is pretty much all there is to do around here. To put things into perspective tonight I was supposed to go over to a friends house and party because they are butchering the deer they hunted from last weekend. Not a whole heck of a lot. I smoked pot heavy for a few years then stopped and drank thinking it was somehow less of an evil because I don't like it as much. But I still find myself lying to people I care about, lying so they don't ask questions and lying so they don't know what a dissapointment I am. I hope you pull through, so far I think it is nice to at least have some people going through the same thing.
Crystal
I too have gone back and forth. Usually trading one addiction for another. Never really getting what is making me do this in the first sense. Today is my first weekend trying not to party. I live in a small town in northern Minnesota, so drinking is pretty much all there is to do around here. To put things into perspective tonight I was supposed to go over to a friends house and party because they are butchering the deer they hunted from last weekend. Not a whole heck of a lot. I smoked pot heavy for a few years then stopped and drank thinking it was somehow less of an evil because I don't like it as much. But I still find myself lying to people I care about, lying so they don't ask questions and lying so they don't know what a dissapointment I am. I hope you pull through, so far I think it is nice to at least have some people going through the same thing.
Crystal
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Thanks Crystal for the support. Pot has always been the big issue for me, though alcohol has always been there for me when I was unable to get the herb. Of course here towards the end, I've been hitting them both to get as high as I need to.
Yup, I'm going through the same thing tointe. I am by myself, don't have any pot, but booze is available, as I stay with my parrents. I'm not going to drink though, there is just no point.
I have a very self destructive personality, not really sure why, but I've been trying to kill myself in various different ways for years, drinking & driving, not taking care of myself, reckless drug use, general reckless behavior, and a couple of actual suicide attempts. This self hatred is what I need to get to the bottom of for me. Why I do things to myself that I know are harmful.
So I am now going to apply a simple test before I take action. Is this something that will benifit me, or hurt me. I don't like hurting, so logic dictates that I should avoid things that hurt me. Will it be 100% successful, probably not, but as my avitar say's "not all better, but getting better".
Best of luck to you tonite, we can make it through ok, it does get easier!! Take care.
Yup, I'm going through the same thing tointe. I am by myself, don't have any pot, but booze is available, as I stay with my parrents. I'm not going to drink though, there is just no point.
I have a very self destructive personality, not really sure why, but I've been trying to kill myself in various different ways for years, drinking & driving, not taking care of myself, reckless drug use, general reckless behavior, and a couple of actual suicide attempts. This self hatred is what I need to get to the bottom of for me. Why I do things to myself that I know are harmful.
So I am now going to apply a simple test before I take action. Is this something that will benifit me, or hurt me. I don't like hurting, so logic dictates that I should avoid things that hurt me. Will it be 100% successful, probably not, but as my avitar say's "not all better, but getting better".
Best of luck to you tonite, we can make it through ok, it does get easier!! Take care.
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
Good evening tyler...
I'm new here, 2 days sober. I was sober from 1990-2000, attended AA faithfully and even chaired a meeting for a couple years. Around 1998 I quit going to meetings, but stayed sober for the next two years...
In 2000, I started feeling good one Friday night and I talked my self into a glass of wine. Damn that was good so I had another. Well you can figure out the rest of the story. Here I am in 2006, 2 days sober...
I guess what I'm trying to say is we are all just a thought away from another drunk...
After having read a couple of your responses, especially to Crystal, I can tell that you know what you need to do and have the knowledge about this desease to do something good for yourself...
Keep Positive and Strong. You know what you have to do...
Have a GREAT and sober weekend...
One day at a time.
Steve
I'm new here, 2 days sober. I was sober from 1990-2000, attended AA faithfully and even chaired a meeting for a couple years. Around 1998 I quit going to meetings, but stayed sober for the next two years...
In 2000, I started feeling good one Friday night and I talked my self into a glass of wine. Damn that was good so I had another. Well you can figure out the rest of the story. Here I am in 2006, 2 days sober...
I guess what I'm trying to say is we are all just a thought away from another drunk...
After having read a couple of your responses, especially to Crystal, I can tell that you know what you need to do and have the knowledge about this desease to do something good for yourself...
Keep Positive and Strong. You know what you have to do...
Have a GREAT and sober weekend...
One day at a time.
Steve
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Northern MN
Posts: 54
Tyler,
I was addicted to Meth for about 3 years and ended up in the psych ward after an attempt at suicide. There were other attempts before that, but this was the first time I really did want to die. But the psych ward was not a place for me, I am a depressed person. I don't hear voices or see things. I need depression help, and that was not the place to get it from.
I have the same kind of personality, and I can't even pin point where it comes from. My parents seem like pretty normal people (although they drive me nuts), I didn't grow up in a terrible way. But I have always lead my life without thinking of any consequences and always searching for something that doesn't make me feel like me.
It is weird having to be yourself, it is almost like being on drugs it has been so long.
I hope your night turns out okay. Luckily I have to work tomorrow so I know that I will have something to do during the day. The only bad thing is that it is at my second job, bartending.
Thanks for all the Support!
I was addicted to Meth for about 3 years and ended up in the psych ward after an attempt at suicide. There were other attempts before that, but this was the first time I really did want to die. But the psych ward was not a place for me, I am a depressed person. I don't hear voices or see things. I need depression help, and that was not the place to get it from.
I have the same kind of personality, and I can't even pin point where it comes from. My parents seem like pretty normal people (although they drive me nuts), I didn't grow up in a terrible way. But I have always lead my life without thinking of any consequences and always searching for something that doesn't make me feel like me.
It is weird having to be yourself, it is almost like being on drugs it has been so long.
I hope your night turns out okay. Luckily I have to work tomorrow so I know that I will have something to do during the day. The only bad thing is that it is at my second job, bartending.
Thanks for all the Support!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
Hey Tyler!! Good to see you again. We all do what we have to do until we don't have to do it anymore. I went through a suicidal phase. After quite a few years clean from drugs I am left with the insight that I was an unhappy person and I was mad. So in my anger I thought I'd cut off my nose to spite my face and show everyone just how unhappy and miserable and disappointed I was in my piddly azz little life.............................................. .............................................argh.
I'm beginning to believe that negativity and depression are as addictive as any other chemical imbalance. I hope you feel some sunlight in your heart soon. Life is what YOU make it.
Happiness is an inside job and I am so happy to see you posting on the boards again, we've missed you!
I'm beginning to believe that negativity and depression are as addictive as any other chemical imbalance. I hope you feel some sunlight in your heart soon. Life is what YOU make it.
Happiness is an inside job and I am so happy to see you posting on the boards again, we've missed you!
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Well that didn't go so well. I think I made it a whole 36 hours....maybe. Got one 24 under my belt now and a blizzard bearing down on us, so that should help keep me outa trouble. Just thought I'd check in with ya'll. Any thoughts & prayers my way would be appreciated. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: long island,ny
Posts: 190
addicted to negativity and depression? what a concept.......sounds like me...i never feel like i'm entitled or deserve to be happy.....why???i don't know yet....unhappiness is such a familiar feeling to me.....anything else is scarey...weird hugh? i know how i was raised has alot to do with it,but i know blaming mom is counterproductive.....my therapist and i have some work to do,i guess...hahahaha......thanks for the insight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Originally Posted by tyler 
I've been here too many times before, something has to be different this time.
I have plenty of support if I will use it.
If nothing else I just want to stop living a lie, that's going to be tough, as it's about the only way I know how to live!!
I have plenty of support if I will use it.
If nothing else I just want to stop living a lie, that's going to be tough, as it's about the only way I know how to live!!
I've not been here in months. Your post is at the top of Newcomers, seems so timely to see you here.
I've been making changes that are WORKING. Honesty, opennesss, willingness. STOP living a lie. Be Real. Use your support. I wish you happiness. Be well.
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