Where To Start
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I chose to not tell my family members what I was doing. People could see, by my actions, what I was doing.
It was something that I had to do and I agree with Nelle that it is very early in your recovery to be telling other people about your decision. It sounds like it would be benefitting you more than it would benefit your parents for you to tell them at this point. If it is your issue and yours alone (which I agree with completely) why do you feel that you need to tell them?
It was something that I had to do and I agree with Nelle that it is very early in your recovery to be telling other people about your decision. It sounds like it would be benefitting you more than it would benefit your parents for you to tell them at this point. If it is your issue and yours alone (which I agree with completely) why do you feel that you need to tell them?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
My thought is because our family is extremely close. Like I told Nelle in PM.. I lived at home until I was 25, only to move out to another unit in our apartment building. My mother father and I all work together 9 hours of everyday in the same dept. We have a cottage together as well. As you can see we share a lot of time together.
The other fact is that I am constantly on THEM for hiding medical conditions because they "don't want to get everyone upset". So it seem hipicritical to do the same thing to them. That and I am positive my father knows that I have been swiping the meds out of the medicine cabinet and knows something is up already.
And for me it's the guilt and deception that has been eating away at me.
Does this make sense?
NO FEAR
Hoeboe
The other fact is that I am constantly on THEM for hiding medical conditions because they "don't want to get everyone upset". So it seem hipicritical to do the same thing to them. That and I am positive my father knows that I have been swiping the meds out of the medicine cabinet and knows something is up already.
And for me it's the guilt and deception that has been eating away at me.
Does this make sense?
NO FEAR
Hoeboe
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
The guilt is an issue for you to deal with. A big part of recovery is dealing with the guilt and shame we feel for what we have done. In my opinion, the best way to do that is to do 'inside' work and not to try to relieve your guilt by burdening others.
If you spend so much time with family members, working and so on, why not just let them see for themselves what you are doing and come to their own conclusions?
If you spend so much time with family members, working and so on, why not just let them see for themselves what you are doing and come to their own conclusions?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
I guess I see your point, but I also wonder.... if they haven't seen any problem so far how would they know anything has changed? To them I don't think either of them thinks I am any different than they have always known...
Maybe I'm deceiving myself? But I do think that it will be for the best in telling them. I know this isn't the AA way from what I've read, but does it really do as much harm telling them now as to telling them in 6 months, if they had no idea there was a problem to begin with? I'm just asking here. Not judging anyone's thoughts. Especially since you guys have been at it for a lot longer then me.
Maybe I'm deceiving myself? But I do think that it will be for the best in telling them. I know this isn't the AA way from what I've read, but does it really do as much harm telling them now as to telling them in 6 months, if they had no idea there was a problem to begin with? I'm just asking here. Not judging anyone's thoughts. Especially since you guys have been at it for a lot longer then me.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
In your mind you think you didnt act differently. Trust me they will start to notice little things that are changing. We all think we are the best at masking our addictions. They will notice things, like the pills not disappearing. I'm sure they might have a suspicion already. It entirely up to you. I thought I masked my addiction so well no one would notice a difference. Once clean people would say little things to me that they noticed changing. I guess I wasnt as good as I thought I was. Personally I wouldnt say anything why upset them for what you have done in the past with your addiction. I would just keep working on myself and work on staying clean. That is just my opinion we all are different and recovery is different for each person. Your doing a great job. What if they do get very upset and you feel guilty this could also be a trigger for you too. Just a thought. KJ
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm not an AA person so that's not what I'm thinking. I don't usually come on this strong, and I've been around here a long time, but I just think it's the wrong thing to do.
If they don't know, why burden them? I just wouldn't. What if you have a slip? I would definitely ask myself why I feel such a need to unburden myself. Recovery is definitely about honesty and making amends, but not if involves jeopardizing someone else's well-being.
If they don't know, why burden them? I just wouldn't. What if you have a slip? I would definitely ask myself why I feel such a need to unburden myself. Recovery is definitely about honesty and making amends, but not if involves jeopardizing someone else's well-being.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I am an AA person...so, this is my view on unburdoning yourself so early in your recovery.
The 12 Steps of AA were written by some very wise folks who were well versed in the ways of alcoholics. I believe the steps were written in such a way as to make early recovery as emotionally pain free as possible for us and our loved ones...therefore, I believe the step that would cover this situation for you comes after the first eight.
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Perhaps this will convince you, as others have suggested, that it would be best for all concerned if you wait a while.
The 12 Steps of AA were written by some very wise folks who were well versed in the ways of alcoholics. I believe the steps were written in such a way as to make early recovery as emotionally pain free as possible for us and our loved ones...therefore, I believe the step that would cover this situation for you comes after the first eight.
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Perhaps this will convince you, as others have suggested, that it would be best for all concerned if you wait a while.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Yes I would like to know too on what you decided to do. All I gave was my opinion I hope it didnt offend you. Please continue posting your progress with us. You are also helping others by sharing, letting people know that it can be done. KJ
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
I myself would not tell my parents, but thats only my opinion...
You have to make the decision that is right for you and your mental situation...
Best of luck for what ever you decide...
One day at a time.
Steve
You have to make the decision that is right for you and your mental situation...
Best of luck for what ever you decide...
One day at a time.
Steve
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: decatur, ga.
Posts: 33
There's this olde simple yet profound saying that holds an aboundant of Hope and,Truth.........."Meeting Makers Make It" seloth@. Congradulations!!!!!!!and,Keep Doing What You're Doing. We love ya! and,God's Blessing Be Upon You and Yours Alike!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
No offence taken by anyone. I did mull over the statements and questions for awhile but still decided to tell them. It went really good after the initial shock was over. Their reactions were pretty much dead on as I expected. I think mom may actually start to go to AL-ANON to support me. My dad probably won't because he doesn't open up to strangers "at all". They were both very supportive and said that anytime I needed to talk to them more about it that they are always there for me. It was great when my dad gave me a big hug when I was leaving. He never does that! He said that he's so glad that I told them about it and we can work from here.
They had alot of questions as to how it got this bad and this and that to which I replied, "Some of it I don't know, and it seemed to be a coping mechanism for me"
anyway I have to get ready. I am going to my first AA meeting tonight. I got lots of questions for the group that's for sure!!
Wish me luck!!
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
They had alot of questions as to how it got this bad and this and that to which I replied, "Some of it I don't know, and it seemed to be a coping mechanism for me"
anyway I have to get ready. I am going to my first AA meeting tonight. I got lots of questions for the group that's for sure!!
Wish me luck!!
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Where To Start Goodonya Hoeboe!!!
As usual, I'm a day late....and, well, just short ---- (o:
The only thing I might add....I don't know how much detail you went into with your folks, and I'm a firm believer in....there's telling, and there's telling(all)
When I first started in recovery I told my mom I quit drinking/using and was going to AA/NA.....BUT I didn't tell her ALL the drugs I used, or how, or where, or when, or what I did to get them.....I just figured that was tmi at the time.... (o:
Here's to you, hoeboe, as u trudge along....
NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86
As usual, I'm a day late....and, well, just short ---- (o:
The only thing I might add....I don't know how much detail you went into with your folks, and I'm a firm believer in....there's telling, and there's telling(all)
When I first started in recovery I told my mom I quit drinking/using and was going to AA/NA.....BUT I didn't tell her ALL the drugs I used, or how, or where, or when, or what I did to get them.....I just figured that was tmi at the time.... (o:
Here's to you, hoeboe, as u trudge along....
NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 20
Yeah Noelle you are right. There haven't been many varieties of drugs I've taken. It had always been Endocet and Oxycontin. (those were the only ones available as I never went to the street to buy.)
I also didn't tell them as to how devious I was at getting them. (waiting down the street in my car until they left for work and then rampaging into the house quick to grab a few)
...as well as a few other things. There really wasn't much to hide about the drinking as they knew I did that anyway. They just didn't know how long I have been trying to STOP.
Speaking of that... it's been 5 whole days now without and it's not been absolutely terrible. I slept great last night for a change. I haven't had any shakes or queezieness. The worst is still that big knot of anxiety in your chest that comes and goes at different times of the day.
It was really bad today when I went to their place for lunch. Knowing that those pills were but a few steps away. I think for awhile I may have to stop going to their place for lunch until I can get a bit better in my head. Have to start to "brown bag it" lol
I assume I will feel pretty good after going to the meeting tonight. It'll feel good to get stuff off my chest to people that REALLY understand everything.
anyways..L8TR
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
I also didn't tell them as to how devious I was at getting them. (waiting down the street in my car until they left for work and then rampaging into the house quick to grab a few)
...as well as a few other things. There really wasn't much to hide about the drinking as they knew I did that anyway. They just didn't know how long I have been trying to STOP.
Speaking of that... it's been 5 whole days now without and it's not been absolutely terrible. I slept great last night for a change. I haven't had any shakes or queezieness. The worst is still that big knot of anxiety in your chest that comes and goes at different times of the day.
It was really bad today when I went to their place for lunch. Knowing that those pills were but a few steps away. I think for awhile I may have to stop going to their place for lunch until I can get a bit better in my head. Have to start to "brown bag it" lol
I assume I will feel pretty good after going to the meeting tonight. It'll feel good to get stuff off my chest to people that REALLY understand everything.
anyways..L8TR
NO FEAR!
Hoeboe
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
HoeBoe...I'm so glad it went well for you. I guess you know your parents well enough to have given them the credit they deserve.
And, it's good that you can see the points Noelle made...there is "rigorous honesty", and then there is painful/brutal honesty. We sure don't need to impart the latter to anyone, least of all the folks we love.
Keep on keepin' on!
And, it's good that you can see the points Noelle made...there is "rigorous honesty", and then there is painful/brutal honesty. We sure don't need to impart the latter to anyone, least of all the folks we love.
Keep on keepin' on!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Keep it up, HoeBoe! I, too, just told my husband my decision over dinner tonight. Like your wife, he's always been so supportive. I've yet to tell my family members about the extent of my problem, and reading all the wonderful reponses to your posts has been so incredibly helpful. I'll be following your progress as I try to move ahead with "no fear."
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