Ayers1995

I was wondering if this would be a terrible idea. AH and I have been doing ok since our last talk and his "wanting to fix it". I know this will not last (doing good part, not drinking). I want to stress to him that this is IT. THIS is the last chance and lay out my boundaries... that after this - NO begging and pleading is going to change anything.

What's your ideas on this? What all points would/should I stress in this note. Of course, I am not wanting to come across ugly...but to simply agree that we are on the same page.

Cynay

I thought you already told him this is the last time before......

I have struggled with this very issue, should I write him a final letter explaining that he did not fail me, should I do the last "make sure" he understands etc....

You know what, why bother..... actions speak louder then words and I have already told him everything .... He knows what I think and feel ... of that Im sure and if he does not then its his issue because I have been open. I struggle everyday to stop thinking about him and put the focus back on me.

That is what I would suggest to you, take it off him and back on you and let him see by example your life will not stop because he is quacking again.... that your looking at action and he has a long way to go.

pmaslan

I don't know Ayers I think saying "This is the last chance,
there will be no others!" Says it all....
But then again you have said that before, haven't you.
Actions speak louder than words...not just for the alcholic
to adhere to.

Missy

I'm lost here but hold an interest on what you all seem appropriate !

karen xo

Cynay

explain what is not making sense?

denny57

I thought if I told AH ok, no more chances he'd wake up and say - jeez I think she means it this time I'd better get sober. I've learned no one recovers, including me, if it isn't for the right reason - yourself, even if that means the end of a relationship - in my case almost 20 years.

Sounds to me you've made it clear. When I turned the focus around to me, everything got better.

Maybe a question to ask is are you truly ready to walk away?

atalose

I agree, actions speak louder then words and that is a two way street. If the drinker keeps saying he/she will stop drinking but doesn't and the spouses keeps saying I am leaving if you continue to drink but doesn't leave, it's just words. And those words will keep coming out of each others mouths until those words are replaced with action.

An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied. ~Arnold Glasow

Ayers1995

The only time I have ever said I would leave - I did leave.

Now I was just thinking that I'd remind him that I am serious. Yes, in the past I have clearly told him that his behaviors are unexceptable, and it happens again and he begs for another chance.

I understand that i can't cry wolf....and expect a change. I never say - I'm going to leave if you quit drinking. I have stated - I"m not happy and the way you treat me is not the way I want to live......and he continued to treat me that way.

I don't know. I thought this was putting focus back on me. Setting 'my' boundaries and things I will accept and won't. Maybe I need to just think about my boundaries for a little while....

denny57

I'm confused. You went back, right? He learned from your actions.

Cynay

Ahhh I think I get it.

See when I was going to write that letter so that he understood he did not let me down.... I really felt it was for me, not to get back together but for my closure... because Im not sure I did nothing.

Maybe that is what you need to do ... Nothing.

Putting the focus back on you does not mean making him see anything (JMHO) it means that you have things straight in your head and act on them. If you decide a boundry and you are not living together Im not sure there is a need to communicate it unless something happens that you have to enforce it. The boundry is for you not him. Make sense?

Like I said he already knows what you think and feel... somehow I dont think the you have menced words with him. So anything else is redundant.

Im just going to make a list of work to do on me. Im sure my sponsor will add to it..... but for me that is taking the focus off him and working my recovery. I have no idea what he thinks and as was pointed out to me it is now none of my business.

Acceptance is soooo hard for me.

minnie

Do you know it's your last chance, Ayers? *edit* lol! I meant "his", of course. However.....

I gave my ex lots of "last chances". And even I didn't know until the words "I've run out of chances" came out of my mouth with such a tone of defeat that it really was the last chance. And he didn't believe it. No real surprise, given that I'd taught him not to.

It really was, though, and I never wavered.

denny57

That's MHO opinion, too, Cynay. It took a while, but I finally learned that my recovery had nothing to do with anyone else, just me. I wasn't doing it for the A and I wasn't doing it in reaction to the A, I was just making me the best person I could be. What comes from that is what makes life exciting (again).

Ayers1995

Well - In my heart I feel like his last chance was a long time ago. Why I have allowed so many other chances - are beyond me. Mostly guilt if I had to pick a reason.

Cynay - I'm not sure if you think we are seperated or not, but we aren't. We are in the same home. I guess yes I may have been wanting to do those things for my own peice of mind. I understand what you are going through... it's hard to let things go. I need to get back into counseling as well. I think that would help me to get my feet on the ground and feel stronger....

Ayers1995

Minnie - I feel like that day is here. That if I went home today and he started treating me and the boys like crap and had been drinking (or not) I'd say... I give up. That's it.

pmaslan

Don't mean to be cocky when I ask this but....
Do you give your kids as many chances when they
display unacceptable behaviour as you do your H?

Cynay

But Ayers that is exactally the point.

You are done, you were done along time ago..... So the problem here is you not the Alcoholic, the problem is your guilt and doing what in your heart you really dont want to do. If you are looking for peace of mind the last thing you need to do is communicate another "last chance" to your AH.... that is just asking for more chaos.

That is why I did not send the letter, that is why though I might want too, I dont contact him at all.... I dont want the chaos. I also believe that is why he ended it with me the way he did, he expected me to try and talk it out and that in itself is just hurtful and more chaos.

SO.... decide in your own mind what your want, is it over???? then take the next step for YOU. Has nothing to do with him or even if he understands. I truely dont understand why Mr. R ended our relationship like he did or why he thought we could not work out the issues..... I just know he did and that is his business.... Mine is to accept what is true today and do the best today to make my life right, peaceful and happy.... to take care of my business and make decisions for myself and my future.

Make sense?

pmaslan

Wow absolute perfect sense cynay...good for you.

Ayers1995

Makes perfect sense Cynay. I'm so glad I can come here and run things through this board before i run off and do things....

Ok. So - I am going to work on me! How many times have I said this before... I know. I hope you guys don't grow impatient with me.

I am the same way with my kids.... unfortunately. I give them chance after chance.... then I usually give up and do it myself. It's a major flaw on my part.... I know. I'm guilty.

pmaslan

Maybe you can call SuperNanny to come help with the kids!!!!
She subscribes to the same principals as many of us here.
Consequences....actions not words and consistancy...
I love Jo Frost where the heck was she when I needed her?.....lol

pmaslan

Ayers, you really do carry around an extrodinary amount of guilt....