Something Interesting
Guest
Posts: n/a
Something Interesting
I just read that a cause for PTSD is when a trauma causes a conflict with your perceived reality.
This made so much sense to me. I think the younger we are when the trauma strikes the more likely we are to have PTSD.
I for one had a la la land perception of reality. You know married, happily ever after, home with white pickett fence and so on. I was in total denial of life and reality the way it really can be.
When I found my husband dead my reality crashed with the real reality and bam I had PTSD. Then it is prolonged because we go into a numbing shock that protects us from most of the traumatic event. I know I stayed numb and in denial for many many years. It is when I began facing reality as it really is that I began to get better.
I think what keeps us depressed is remaining in shock and remaining numb. We can't face things all at once. Sometimes we hold on so tightly that we keep ourselves from facing things at all. We avoid. So the depression and lack of joy in life continues. We've done such a good job that we are in denial that the pain and trauma are still with us. We guard our lives to the extent that we isolate and avoid life.
Love is painful, life is painful because when ever we open up to let something in it also lets pain out. So we feel the need to remain closed.
Does this make sense to anyone else?
Hugs,
MG
This made so much sense to me. I think the younger we are when the trauma strikes the more likely we are to have PTSD.
I for one had a la la land perception of reality. You know married, happily ever after, home with white pickett fence and so on. I was in total denial of life and reality the way it really can be.
When I found my husband dead my reality crashed with the real reality and bam I had PTSD. Then it is prolonged because we go into a numbing shock that protects us from most of the traumatic event. I know I stayed numb and in denial for many many years. It is when I began facing reality as it really is that I began to get better.
I think what keeps us depressed is remaining in shock and remaining numb. We can't face things all at once. Sometimes we hold on so tightly that we keep ourselves from facing things at all. We avoid. So the depression and lack of joy in life continues. We've done such a good job that we are in denial that the pain and trauma are still with us. We guard our lives to the extent that we isolate and avoid life.
Love is painful, life is painful because when ever we open up to let something in it also lets pain out. So we feel the need to remain closed.
Does this make sense to anyone else?
Hugs,
MG
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Absolutely makes sense.
To this day, I have no idea if my husband
committed suicide. I was 23 years old, and
I thought we had our whole life ahead
of us-there was no hurry. Our last words left much to be desired, and it was me
being a cold fish. His last night alive were discussions of me and my son-with his
mother. We were not together and he was in great pain because of this. He went drinking and drugging with his brother, and pulled over to the side of a isolated road. They began fist-fighting, and a truck was coming down the road-60 miles a hour. He stepped out in front of it and was hit
head on. He died minutes later, but not
without telling his brother to take care
of us. There is so much more M.G., bear
with me.
I planned on reconciling with my husband,
but I was in a dilemna. My dreams were
children and the white picket fence also-
what a rude awakening. I kept going to
the funeral home and checking every inch
of his body. Talking about my husbands
death has been a taboo subject-and his
family and I have never dicussed it. I
know they blamed me, but they were good
people and would never hurt me. We were the
walking wounded. There is so much more,
but I will stop for now. A life change
from innocence to insanity.
I think I'm off topic here.
Hugs,
To this day, I have no idea if my husband
committed suicide. I was 23 years old, and
I thought we had our whole life ahead
of us-there was no hurry. Our last words left much to be desired, and it was me
being a cold fish. His last night alive were discussions of me and my son-with his
mother. We were not together and he was in great pain because of this. He went drinking and drugging with his brother, and pulled over to the side of a isolated road. They began fist-fighting, and a truck was coming down the road-60 miles a hour. He stepped out in front of it and was hit
head on. He died minutes later, but not
without telling his brother to take care
of us. There is so much more M.G., bear
with me.
I planned on reconciling with my husband,
but I was in a dilemna. My dreams were
children and the white picket fence also-
what a rude awakening. I kept going to
the funeral home and checking every inch
of his body. Talking about my husbands
death has been a taboo subject-and his
family and I have never dicussed it. I
know they blamed me, but they were good
people and would never hurt me. We were the
walking wounded. There is so much more,
but I will stop for now. A life change
from innocence to insanity.
I think I'm off topic here.
Hugs,
Guest
Posts: n/a
Josie,
That's not off topic at all. That is the topic. We are here because of trauma and talking about it is a part of the healing. We all share guilt and shame with our trauma and for that reason most of us don't talk about it. We need to talk about it.
So write a book. I'm listening.
Hugs,
MG
That's not off topic at all. That is the topic. We are here because of trauma and talking about it is a part of the healing. We all share guilt and shame with our trauma and for that reason most of us don't talk about it. We need to talk about it.
So write a book. I'm listening.
Hugs,
MG
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
This is really hard
Here goes....
After reconciling for three months, he
had his place, I had mine-he found a job
out of town that would take him away for
awhile. We decided we would save money
and get our own place together. Well, I
didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I
went out one night with a friend, got
totally drunk and had a one night stand.
I was so guilt ridden, I couldn't tell him,
and just said I had changed my mind about
our relationship. Later on I realized I
was pregnant and I had decisions to make.
Pregnant from a one night stand, I really
couldn't contact him now. I did not
believe in abortion, it was against all
my morals and values, and I had a deep
belief in God. It was 6 weeks now since
I had seen him, and I was so confused.
Then his shocking death. I went to the
funeral in a daze, shock, numb-I couldn't
believe this was happening. I scheduled
a abortion that following Sunday. How
could I hurt his family anymore right now,
I would have to sacrifice. I never went
to a doctor, just to the clinic. They
examined me, and told me I was 13 weeks
pregnant. I told them no, I was 6 weeks.
I was disoriented, and couldn't compute.
They were getting impatient with me, and
I couldn't think. I decided they were
wrong, I had a period-there was no way.
Not until I came out of the anesthesia,
(like a truth serum) did I realize what
I had just done. I was screaming that I
had made a mistake, a horrible mistake.
It was too late-it was done. My whole
life changed that day, I walked out of
that clinic....empty, my spirit and soul
died that day. Everything turned black,
a deep, dark hole. Not only had I lost
my husband-I killed his child-our child.
A child God gave me to move on. A life
replacing a death. Something joyous to
look forward too. Why couldn't I have
trusted God, that he knew what he was
doing? I had always trusted him before,
and that there was a grand plan.
How could he ever forgive me, and how
could I forgive myself. I was no longer
worthy of myself or anyone-especially my
son. I killed his sibling-I always felt
it was a girl-my daughter. I spiraled
downhill fast-I didn't see anything the
same. And who could I talk to about this,
no one would understand. So I
remained silent, and became withdrawn.
Self absorbed, my mind racing and racing.
Self hate, stupid, worthless, shallow. That's when I had my nervous breakdown, it was all too much. I have never been the same. I only recently started searching the web, and I found out what I have. It's called PAS-Post Abortion Syndrome. Many, many women go through this, but my circumstances are a little different-in
my mind they are.
So there it is-I confided once in my
sister, she didn't understand my pain.
It's not exactly one of your daily conver-
sation pieces.
I have horrible triggers, maybe this
is the first step to forgiving myself and
moving on.
Hugs,
After reconciling for three months, he
had his place, I had mine-he found a job
out of town that would take him away for
awhile. We decided we would save money
and get our own place together. Well, I
didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I
went out one night with a friend, got
totally drunk and had a one night stand.
I was so guilt ridden, I couldn't tell him,
and just said I had changed my mind about
our relationship. Later on I realized I
was pregnant and I had decisions to make.
Pregnant from a one night stand, I really
couldn't contact him now. I did not
believe in abortion, it was against all
my morals and values, and I had a deep
belief in God. It was 6 weeks now since
I had seen him, and I was so confused.
Then his shocking death. I went to the
funeral in a daze, shock, numb-I couldn't
believe this was happening. I scheduled
a abortion that following Sunday. How
could I hurt his family anymore right now,
I would have to sacrifice. I never went
to a doctor, just to the clinic. They
examined me, and told me I was 13 weeks
pregnant. I told them no, I was 6 weeks.
I was disoriented, and couldn't compute.
They were getting impatient with me, and
I couldn't think. I decided they were
wrong, I had a period-there was no way.
Not until I came out of the anesthesia,
(like a truth serum) did I realize what
I had just done. I was screaming that I
had made a mistake, a horrible mistake.
It was too late-it was done. My whole
life changed that day, I walked out of
that clinic....empty, my spirit and soul
died that day. Everything turned black,
a deep, dark hole. Not only had I lost
my husband-I killed his child-our child.
A child God gave me to move on. A life
replacing a death. Something joyous to
look forward too. Why couldn't I have
trusted God, that he knew what he was
doing? I had always trusted him before,
and that there was a grand plan.
How could he ever forgive me, and how
could I forgive myself. I was no longer
worthy of myself or anyone-especially my
son. I killed his sibling-I always felt
it was a girl-my daughter. I spiraled
downhill fast-I didn't see anything the
same. And who could I talk to about this,
no one would understand. So I
remained silent, and became withdrawn.
Self absorbed, my mind racing and racing.
Self hate, stupid, worthless, shallow. That's when I had my nervous breakdown, it was all too much. I have never been the same. I only recently started searching the web, and I found out what I have. It's called PAS-Post Abortion Syndrome. Many, many women go through this, but my circumstances are a little different-in
my mind they are.
So there it is-I confided once in my
sister, she didn't understand my pain.
It's not exactly one of your daily conver-
sation pieces.
I have horrible triggers, maybe this
is the first step to forgiving myself and
moving on.
Hugs,
Guest
Posts: n/a
Josie,
I sent you a PM, but I wanted to add this to it. Our guilt is based on our belief in God and the standards He has for us. I want to give examples of others in the bible who held the same guilt.
I don't want to take the time to look them up so I won't have all the names right.
David was in love with a woman and sent her husband to the front lines of the army because he knew he would be killed and then he could have his wife.
Paul had Christians stoned to death and killed before he was converted.
Mary was a prostitute and forgiven and loved by Jesus.
Peter denied Jesus 3 times and pretended that he didn't know him.
They were all forgiven. God's grace is given to all of us knowing who we are and what we have done.
The bible also says that if we break the least of the comandments then we are guilty of breaking all of them.
It is easier to know that God forgives us then it is to forgive ourselves.
I think the guilt stops us from grieving properly and we hold on to our horror for so long.
It's time to let go of guilt and grieve the horrible painful situation we got ourselves into.
I am so sorry you went through all of this. I'm so sorry for your losses. We can't go back and change it. We can only give it to God. His love is big enough to cover this.
Much love to you.
MG
I sent you a PM, but I wanted to add this to it. Our guilt is based on our belief in God and the standards He has for us. I want to give examples of others in the bible who held the same guilt.
I don't want to take the time to look them up so I won't have all the names right.
David was in love with a woman and sent her husband to the front lines of the army because he knew he would be killed and then he could have his wife.
Paul had Christians stoned to death and killed before he was converted.
Mary was a prostitute and forgiven and loved by Jesus.
Peter denied Jesus 3 times and pretended that he didn't know him.
They were all forgiven. God's grace is given to all of us knowing who we are and what we have done.
The bible also says that if we break the least of the comandments then we are guilty of breaking all of them.
It is easier to know that God forgives us then it is to forgive ourselves.
I think the guilt stops us from grieving properly and we hold on to our horror for so long.
It's time to let go of guilt and grieve the horrible painful situation we got ourselves into.
I am so sorry you went through all of this. I'm so sorry for your losses. We can't go back and change it. We can only give it to God. His love is big enough to cover this.
Much love to you.
MG
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
(((Josie))) -
Your story touched me heart, and your honesty and willingness to share your pain is amazing. It is times like this that being a comuputer is not enough, I want to hug you and hold and tell you you will feel better.
I believe getting it out, saying, putting it on paper whatever is such a step towards letting it go. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have gone through. I can say that I agree with MG, you can't change the past, but you can change the future. You can feel better. You made a mistake that one night, we have all made mistakes. Your husband and God I am sure are wanting you to let go of the guilt that you are feeling, carrying that with you all those years, it is time to let it go.
God Bless you Joise - You are a wonderful carrying person, it shows through in the support you give others here, try to remember that.
Your story touched me heart, and your honesty and willingness to share your pain is amazing. It is times like this that being a comuputer is not enough, I want to hug you and hold and tell you you will feel better.
I believe getting it out, saying, putting it on paper whatever is such a step towards letting it go. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have gone through. I can say that I agree with MG, you can't change the past, but you can change the future. You can feel better. You made a mistake that one night, we have all made mistakes. Your husband and God I am sure are wanting you to let go of the guilt that you are feeling, carrying that with you all those years, it is time to let it go.
God Bless you Joise - You are a wonderful carrying person, it shows through in the support you give others here, try to remember that.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Josie,
I found a link that may help.
I'm thinking of you today. Let us know how you are.
Hugs,
MG
http://www.seghea.com/cheryl/index-2.html
I found a link that may help.
I'm thinking of you today. Let us know how you are.
Hugs,
MG
http://www.seghea.com/cheryl/index-2.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Josie.
I want to add my love and hugs. I'm glad you found the strength to discuss this here. What a burden you have been carrying around. You were scared and confused and motivated by the desire to avoid hurting your husband's family. You don't deserve the guilt you have been heaping on yourself.
Love,
Smoke
I want to add my love and hugs. I'm glad you found the strength to discuss this here. What a burden you have been carrying around. You were scared and confused and motivated by the desire to avoid hurting your husband's family. You don't deserve the guilt you have been heaping on yourself.
Love,
Smoke
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
((((Josie))))
We all love you here. We know you for the strong lady that you are and there is nothing that you could ever say that could change our feeling for you. And you know you can't shock us...
What all of us need to remember is that we only do the best we know how to do at the time. What more can we ask from ourselves.
I am glad you feel safe here.
Hugs,
JT
We all love you here. We know you for the strong lady that you are and there is nothing that you could ever say that could change our feeling for you. And you know you can't shock us...
What all of us need to remember is that we only do the best we know how to do at the time. What more can we ask from ourselves.
I am glad you feel safe here.
Hugs,
JT
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
((((((((Josie))))))))
I just wanted to thank you for being here. As tramatic as it's been, you have helped many of us just by trusting yourself and trusting us to share your story. We love and support you and will always be here for you. You are a wonderful person and God loves you. t's time for you to forgive yourself.
Hugs,
JG
I just wanted to thank you for being here. As tramatic as it's been, you have helped many of us just by trusting yourself and trusting us to share your story. We love and support you and will always be here for you. You are a wonderful person and God loves you. t's time for you to forgive yourself.
Hugs,
JG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
****{Josie}}}
Your story touched my heart more than you will ever know. I don't believe that there is one of us who would do anything different than you did, in the same situation, I know that I would have done the same thing.
I can't begin to imagine your pain, but I do know what a wonderful person you are and that even with the pain, maybe because of the pain, God has brought you here to share your remarkable strength with us.
Perhaps God gives us all our crosses to bear, but with them comes not only life lessons, but strength, faith and forgiveness...His forgiveness and finally our own self-forgiveness. Don't forget that God gave his Son, so that ALL our sins are forgiven.
Josie, you have taken your hardships and made a gift from them, a gift we all share here when you talk to us. Thank you.
God Bless you Josie, and please know that we truly feel your pain.
Let the healing be your blessing.
Your story touched my heart more than you will ever know. I don't believe that there is one of us who would do anything different than you did, in the same situation, I know that I would have done the same thing.
I can't begin to imagine your pain, but I do know what a wonderful person you are and that even with the pain, maybe because of the pain, God has brought you here to share your remarkable strength with us.
Perhaps God gives us all our crosses to bear, but with them comes not only life lessons, but strength, faith and forgiveness...His forgiveness and finally our own self-forgiveness. Don't forget that God gave his Son, so that ALL our sins are forgiven.
Josie, you have taken your hardships and made a gift from them, a gift we all share here when you talk to us. Thank you.
God Bless you Josie, and please know that we truly feel your pain.
Let the healing be your blessing.
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
I am overwhelmed
I felt vulnerable, exposed, and scared
today. M.G., I kept trying to p.m. you
back to tell you delete my post, I felt
it was just too much, and I couldn't stop
crying. It wasn't meant to be, the boards
weren't working for some reason. I came to these boards looking
for answers with my ongoing codependency issues. I have been here almost a year,
and I always read M.G.'s posts and helping
others. I just kept relating, and I
realized that all I have been feeling all
these years were a illness. Traumatized,
but I had done it all to myself.
I cried my eyes out when I read your
replies, I did not expect it.
If wasn't for M.G. I don't know if I
would have ever made the connection.
I wish I had something profound to say.
I'm a little overwhelmed right now. I don't
know what came over me last night-I guess
it was just time. I am relieved.
I think I said this before, my goal is
to make peace with myself and God.
Love,
today. M.G., I kept trying to p.m. you
back to tell you delete my post, I felt
it was just too much, and I couldn't stop
crying. It wasn't meant to be, the boards
weren't working for some reason. I came to these boards looking
for answers with my ongoing codependency issues. I have been here almost a year,
and I always read M.G.'s posts and helping
others. I just kept relating, and I
realized that all I have been feeling all
these years were a illness. Traumatized,
but I had done it all to myself.
I cried my eyes out when I read your
replies, I did not expect it.
If wasn't for M.G. I don't know if I
would have ever made the connection.
I wish I had something profound to say.
I'm a little overwhelmed right now. I don't
know what came over me last night-I guess
it was just time. I am relieved.
I think I said this before, my goal is
to make peace with myself and God.
Love,
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
(((Josie)))
You don't need to make peace with God, but I am sure that He wants you to make peace with yourself.
It was time for you to get it out and let go, and that is what you did. I admire your strength and courage!
Keep posting, and keep talking!!!
You don't need to make peace with God, but I am sure that He wants you to make peace with yourself.
It was time for you to get it out and let go, and that is what you did. I admire your strength and courage!
Keep posting, and keep talking!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
(((((Josie)))))) My heart absolutely ached for you as I read your post. I have thought of you so many times since first reading it. I want you to know that I think you are incredibly brave for sharing this terribly painful episode of your life with us. Perhaps this is God's way of helping you to heal - by giving you the courage to unburden yourself and share your story with us.
God Bless you, Josie. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and hugs.
God Bless you, Josie. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and hugs.
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