abandonment issues
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abandonment issues
When selves try to deal with abandonment and engulfment
Why it’s best not to leave it up to the selves to handle these problems in a relationship
Even the best adjusted people have some issues about being too alone too much of the time. (abandonment). They also have discomfort about the opposite situation that is being too close too often (engulfment or enmeshment). It’s normal to experience some of each some of the time, but it is a different matter for people who are deeply troubled by either of these issues. This is one of those times to remember that the selves are just not equipped to solve complex relationship problems and should you leave powerful issues like these in their hands, you do so at your peril. The outcome is usually the opposite of what you wanted anyway as explained below:
A. Some one-above selves focus too much on the vulnerability that comes with being controlled or smothered (I can’t be myself) ....
1. Wall builder (avoider) selves confuse intimacy with enmeshment and see distancing as the best way to escape the vulnerability of never being left alone (smothered or engulfed) by an overly clingy opposite partner who is too fearful of abandonment.
2. Critical parent selves see counter attack as the best way to stop being controlled or engulfed. They use negative criticism, judgement or punishment to block engulfment by the other partner. However, these tactics usually raise the other partner’s fear of abandonment and loss of control. That, in turn, increases the chance of that person’s selves acting in ways that will smother, engulf, cling or control even more.
B. Some one-below selves get too energised trying to help ease the vulnerability of being alone .....
1. Love-addict selves don't want to be alone at all. They use positive engulfment, that is over servicing the love contract (27 hours a day, 8 days a week, 369 days a year!) These selves make it as hard as possible for a partner to abandon the relationship, even for a few minutes. This may involve lots of intensity including a clinging kind of love which only an inner self would mistake for real intimacy. Being one-below selves, they may also put up with extremely unpleasant out of control or over-controlling behaviour , sooner than lose that partner.
2. Abandoned child selves are frightened about being alone so they regularly pressure a partner for reassurance that he or she is not thinking of abandoning the relationship. Only an inner self would believe that a verbal promise obtained this way might actually have the power to prevent a partner abandoning the relationship.
3. Wounded child selves are fearful of the pain of being alone so they try to manipulate a partner for example by using fear (threats of suicide) or guilt (over-playing victim role) to stop him or her abandoning the relationship. Each of these tactics, however, increases the feelings in the other partner of being smothered, engulfed or enmeshed which that person will equate with no longer being loved. That, in turn, raises the chance of the engulfed partner abandoning or leaving the relationship, especially if they have fears of being controlled.
C. A third group of selves react in other ways when they notice you feel vulnerable ....
1. Anti-pain and anti-fear selves don’t really want you to be alone, but they see prevention as better than cure. Ending the relationship now appears better than a future that seems likely to remain full of repeated pain and vulnerability as a result of being abandoned over and over again.
2. Escapee (Shirley Valentine selves) see no justification for being trapped (enmeshed) any longer in an over controlled or negative relationship and look for ways to get away (fast).
3. Rebel (freedom fighter) selves focus on whatever seems most unfair (to them) in the relationship, whether that’s being engulfed or abandoned. They then try to undermine or sabotage whatever the other partner is doing to stop the abandonment or engulfment happening. Each of these tactics actually increases the feelings of vulnerability in the other partner.
The abandonment - engulfment - pursuer - distancer - enmeshment dance cycle
All this sets up a dysfunctional cycle along the lines explained in the example below.
Partner A-D - avoider and distancer selves - fear of engulfment
The ‘selves’ that encourage A-D to stay out of intimacy developed from early experiences of being engulfed by control or smothered with over-protection. In fact when they are feeling engulfed, an avoider like A-D may feel a form of terror, similar to that of being physically smothered and needs distance to reduce the fear. People like A-D are usually the product of a family where mother or father or both were either over controlling, or too close and too clingy. That is why A-D developed selves that avoid and resist closeness and intimacy and are also capable of blocking control by P-E.
But distancing, avoiding and resisting control is what is going to trigger E's childhood fear of being too alone (abandonment issues) and insecurity about lack of permanency in the relationship (powerless and not good enough issues). The result is a toxic cycle of abandonment and engulfment that goes nowhere.
Partner P-E - pursue and engulf or clinging selves
Partner P-E's inner selves are attracted to people like A-D who have a fear of intimacy and who are triggered into distancing by pursuing behaviour. Partner P-E has constant fears about being abandoned by partner A-D. To help reduce this, P-E has selves that push A-D to get closer and press him or her for more intimacy. They also try to control partner A-D, in the belief that the more A-D is under P-E's domination the less P-E will feel alone or afraid of being abandoned.
However, control and pressure is just what triggers A-D's childhood fears about being too close (engulfment and enmeshment issues) and about being too controlled (safety and security issues). Naturally this causes A-D to back away or try to escape the relationship. That is the very reaction that panics P-E who becomes even more needy, clingy, engulfing and smothering.
The flip side
The cycle is broken from time to time when A-D suddenly notices that P-E has finally given up, has flipped into temporary avoidance (emotional anorexia) to escape the pain and is no longer around. Typically A-D in a case like this, then temporarily experiences the pain of abandonment and fearing losing P-E permanently, makes extravagant promises and apologies to get P-E to come back. A-D may even get into a little temporary engulfing. (emotional bulimia) However this is short lived because P-E is so happy to learn that A-D ‘really loves me at last’ that they move into even stronger engulfment and totally enmesh A-D to make sure he or she never escapes again.
Sadly, it is at that point the whole cycle begins all over again until both partners learn that it’s never wise to leave it up to the selves to fix relationship problems like these.
If they do separate, a ‘love addicted’ partner like A-D may experience actual withdrawal symptoms related to the loss of P-E whose presence was actually like a pain-killing ‘medication’. These symptoms are often remarkably similar to, or worse than, withdrawal symptoms of people going ‘cold turkey’ off heroin! The more vulnerability around any of these areas, the more likely a polarised inner self will come in to try to help. As polarised selves do, each self will suggest widely different solutions. If the same person is struggling with both abandonment and engulfment issues she or he may end up with as many as four different selves pulling in different directions.
The inner selves belonging to the other partner in the relationship then get in on the act, reacting in turn as they are triggered by the changing polarity of the situation. It’s not a pretty sight.
http://www.growingaware.com.au/selve...h_abandonm.htm
Why it’s best not to leave it up to the selves to handle these problems in a relationship
Even the best adjusted people have some issues about being too alone too much of the time. (abandonment). They also have discomfort about the opposite situation that is being too close too often (engulfment or enmeshment). It’s normal to experience some of each some of the time, but it is a different matter for people who are deeply troubled by either of these issues. This is one of those times to remember that the selves are just not equipped to solve complex relationship problems and should you leave powerful issues like these in their hands, you do so at your peril. The outcome is usually the opposite of what you wanted anyway as explained below:
A. Some one-above selves focus too much on the vulnerability that comes with being controlled or smothered (I can’t be myself) ....
1. Wall builder (avoider) selves confuse intimacy with enmeshment and see distancing as the best way to escape the vulnerability of never being left alone (smothered or engulfed) by an overly clingy opposite partner who is too fearful of abandonment.
2. Critical parent selves see counter attack as the best way to stop being controlled or engulfed. They use negative criticism, judgement or punishment to block engulfment by the other partner. However, these tactics usually raise the other partner’s fear of abandonment and loss of control. That, in turn, increases the chance of that person’s selves acting in ways that will smother, engulf, cling or control even more.
B. Some one-below selves get too energised trying to help ease the vulnerability of being alone .....
1. Love-addict selves don't want to be alone at all. They use positive engulfment, that is over servicing the love contract (27 hours a day, 8 days a week, 369 days a year!) These selves make it as hard as possible for a partner to abandon the relationship, even for a few minutes. This may involve lots of intensity including a clinging kind of love which only an inner self would mistake for real intimacy. Being one-below selves, they may also put up with extremely unpleasant out of control or over-controlling behaviour , sooner than lose that partner.
2. Abandoned child selves are frightened about being alone so they regularly pressure a partner for reassurance that he or she is not thinking of abandoning the relationship. Only an inner self would believe that a verbal promise obtained this way might actually have the power to prevent a partner abandoning the relationship.
3. Wounded child selves are fearful of the pain of being alone so they try to manipulate a partner for example by using fear (threats of suicide) or guilt (over-playing victim role) to stop him or her abandoning the relationship. Each of these tactics, however, increases the feelings in the other partner of being smothered, engulfed or enmeshed which that person will equate with no longer being loved. That, in turn, raises the chance of the engulfed partner abandoning or leaving the relationship, especially if they have fears of being controlled.
C. A third group of selves react in other ways when they notice you feel vulnerable ....
1. Anti-pain and anti-fear selves don’t really want you to be alone, but they see prevention as better than cure. Ending the relationship now appears better than a future that seems likely to remain full of repeated pain and vulnerability as a result of being abandoned over and over again.
2. Escapee (Shirley Valentine selves) see no justification for being trapped (enmeshed) any longer in an over controlled or negative relationship and look for ways to get away (fast).
3. Rebel (freedom fighter) selves focus on whatever seems most unfair (to them) in the relationship, whether that’s being engulfed or abandoned. They then try to undermine or sabotage whatever the other partner is doing to stop the abandonment or engulfment happening. Each of these tactics actually increases the feelings of vulnerability in the other partner.
The abandonment - engulfment - pursuer - distancer - enmeshment dance cycle
All this sets up a dysfunctional cycle along the lines explained in the example below.
Partner A-D - avoider and distancer selves - fear of engulfment
The ‘selves’ that encourage A-D to stay out of intimacy developed from early experiences of being engulfed by control or smothered with over-protection. In fact when they are feeling engulfed, an avoider like A-D may feel a form of terror, similar to that of being physically smothered and needs distance to reduce the fear. People like A-D are usually the product of a family where mother or father or both were either over controlling, or too close and too clingy. That is why A-D developed selves that avoid and resist closeness and intimacy and are also capable of blocking control by P-E.
But distancing, avoiding and resisting control is what is going to trigger E's childhood fear of being too alone (abandonment issues) and insecurity about lack of permanency in the relationship (powerless and not good enough issues). The result is a toxic cycle of abandonment and engulfment that goes nowhere.
Partner P-E - pursue and engulf or clinging selves
Partner P-E's inner selves are attracted to people like A-D who have a fear of intimacy and who are triggered into distancing by pursuing behaviour. Partner P-E has constant fears about being abandoned by partner A-D. To help reduce this, P-E has selves that push A-D to get closer and press him or her for more intimacy. They also try to control partner A-D, in the belief that the more A-D is under P-E's domination the less P-E will feel alone or afraid of being abandoned.
However, control and pressure is just what triggers A-D's childhood fears about being too close (engulfment and enmeshment issues) and about being too controlled (safety and security issues). Naturally this causes A-D to back away or try to escape the relationship. That is the very reaction that panics P-E who becomes even more needy, clingy, engulfing and smothering.
The flip side
The cycle is broken from time to time when A-D suddenly notices that P-E has finally given up, has flipped into temporary avoidance (emotional anorexia) to escape the pain and is no longer around. Typically A-D in a case like this, then temporarily experiences the pain of abandonment and fearing losing P-E permanently, makes extravagant promises and apologies to get P-E to come back. A-D may even get into a little temporary engulfing. (emotional bulimia) However this is short lived because P-E is so happy to learn that A-D ‘really loves me at last’ that they move into even stronger engulfment and totally enmesh A-D to make sure he or she never escapes again.
Sadly, it is at that point the whole cycle begins all over again until both partners learn that it’s never wise to leave it up to the selves to fix relationship problems like these.
If they do separate, a ‘love addicted’ partner like A-D may experience actual withdrawal symptoms related to the loss of P-E whose presence was actually like a pain-killing ‘medication’. These symptoms are often remarkably similar to, or worse than, withdrawal symptoms of people going ‘cold turkey’ off heroin! The more vulnerability around any of these areas, the more likely a polarised inner self will come in to try to help. As polarised selves do, each self will suggest widely different solutions. If the same person is struggling with both abandonment and engulfment issues she or he may end up with as many as four different selves pulling in different directions.
The inner selves belonging to the other partner in the relationship then get in on the act, reacting in turn as they are triggered by the changing polarity of the situation. It’s not a pretty sight.
http://www.growingaware.com.au/selve...h_abandonm.htm
Big kitty nose hugs
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Center of The World
Posts: 1,261
Oh Morning Glory...you look so beautiful to me today
Are you sure you will not marry me??? I printed this and am taking it with me for digestion!! Not as good as cheesecake but the next best thing.
Are you sure you will not marry me??? I printed this and am taking it with me for digestion!! Not as good as cheesecake but the next best thing.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
Can you elaborate some more?
Hey, MG,
That was so good. Can you tell more about the one-below? self that gets over energized to ease the vulnerability of being alone? That sounds like me.
Hope you are having a good night.
Love,
Nancy
In honor and in memory of 9/11
And, btw, you told us the undesirable ending with that it was "not a pretty sight." Can you give us a more constructive alternative? Or suggestion for an alternative route? Would the alternative be counseling?
That was so good. Can you tell more about the one-below? self that gets over energized to ease the vulnerability of being alone? That sounds like me.
Hope you are having a good night.
Love,
Nancy
In honor and in memory of 9/11
And, btw, you told us the undesirable ending with that it was "not a pretty sight." Can you give us a more constructive alternative? Or suggestion for an alternative route? Would the alternative be counseling?
Last edited by Heavens; 09-11-2003 at 07:32 PM.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
Digging
Dear MG,
OK. I don't mind. I have huge abandonment issues. Both parents alcoholics. I am largely talkative and gregarious, but insecure inside with low self-esteem. Ex-husband was an alcoholic and just never came home and then left one day. Ex-boyfriend left, too. I have been assaulted close to death twice, which makes one feel like others think of one as a piece of trash to be used and thrown away (like Streetcar on the other thread).
I don't mind answering the question, MG, but, no offense, you answered a question with a question. ;.) I really want to learn here. Or is the question leading the way to learn? Or are there no easy answers?
Love and hugs,
Nancy
OK. I don't mind. I have huge abandonment issues. Both parents alcoholics. I am largely talkative and gregarious, but insecure inside with low self-esteem. Ex-husband was an alcoholic and just never came home and then left one day. Ex-boyfriend left, too. I have been assaulted close to death twice, which makes one feel like others think of one as a piece of trash to be used and thrown away (like Streetcar on the other thread).
I don't mind answering the question, MG, but, no offense, you answered a question with a question. ;.) I really want to learn here. Or is the question leading the way to learn? Or are there no easy answers?
Love and hugs,
Nancy
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Posts: n/a
Nancy,
I can speak for myself. I had issues with abandonment and engulfment. I chose relationships with people who couldn't be intimate and then craved the intamacy and the fear of abandonment would kick in. THAT was not a pretty site. Add low self esteem to that and it set up the cycle of abuse.
No one can treat us like trash unless we allow it. I got out of the cycle by digging into my childhood pain and connecting the emotions to the original incidents that caused the pain. This is what stopped my need to continue projecting those emotions onto present circumstances. When the emotions were healed my needs changed. I learned to respect myself and was able to receive nurturing from God.
I have a long way to go, but it's so so much better. I am content being alone. I'm not against being in a relationship if the right person were to come along, but I'm ok if I stay alone. Most of the wounds are healed now for me.
All the answers for me were within. God shined the light and exposed all the lies I was believing and the truth set me free. I know I am still believing lies and I wait to learn more.
That's what we call light bulb moments around here.
I'm sorry you've experienced so much trauma. I'm sorry that we all have to climb such huge mountains to reach recovery. It's very hard to come out of childhood conditioning. Very scary too. I felt vulnerable for a long time. I have more to stand on now.
Hugs to you,
MG
I can speak for myself. I had issues with abandonment and engulfment. I chose relationships with people who couldn't be intimate and then craved the intamacy and the fear of abandonment would kick in. THAT was not a pretty site. Add low self esteem to that and it set up the cycle of abuse.
No one can treat us like trash unless we allow it. I got out of the cycle by digging into my childhood pain and connecting the emotions to the original incidents that caused the pain. This is what stopped my need to continue projecting those emotions onto present circumstances. When the emotions were healed my needs changed. I learned to respect myself and was able to receive nurturing from God.
I have a long way to go, but it's so so much better. I am content being alone. I'm not against being in a relationship if the right person were to come along, but I'm ok if I stay alone. Most of the wounds are healed now for me.
All the answers for me were within. God shined the light and exposed all the lies I was believing and the truth set me free. I know I am still believing lies and I wait to learn more.
That's what we call light bulb moments around here.
I'm sorry you've experienced so much trauma. I'm sorry that we all have to climb such huge mountains to reach recovery. It's very hard to come out of childhood conditioning. Very scary too. I felt vulnerable for a long time. I have more to stand on now.
Hugs to you,
MG
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
Thanks for sharing
Dear Morning Glory,
I appreciate you sharing all of this with me. It helps me to learn more when I see others' persepectives. I am sure I could get used to being alone. I think I resist it right now. Right now I am just beginning to realize that I need to take care of me and live my life the way I think best. I struggle with the problem of not being real sure what that is sometimes. I don't think I am quite at acceptance yet. I think I still resist giving up what I want and accepting what I have. It does seem attractive in a way to feel comfortable being alone, and I agree -- I would rather be alone than be abused. The only thing is, I think it is just natural, not sick, for me not to prefer being alone. I guess I really do know what I want. It isn't really very unusual. If my only choice is to be alone or be abused, I choose alone. But I would prefer to be in a loving relationship with someone who loved me and did not abuse me. I don't buy that I brought the abuse on by being too needy. I just don't buy that. I didn't deserve to be abused, no matter how needy I might be, or even how bitchy or whatever. But I do agree, though, that I need to get comfortable being alone because there are many moments that I will be, whether I like it or not, so I need to accept that. I know. I agree. I do appreciate your sharing. And the insight about the engulfing and distancing is very enlightening. Please share more of that when you can. I had never heard it told quite so clearly. I am just not sure what to do with it sometimes. But yes, I am. I know what to do with it. Be more aware of what is going on with me and with others, and act accordingly. Thanks, MG. It is also inspiring to see how far you have come. Keep up the good work.
Your sister in recovery,
NAncy
I appreciate you sharing all of this with me. It helps me to learn more when I see others' persepectives. I am sure I could get used to being alone. I think I resist it right now. Right now I am just beginning to realize that I need to take care of me and live my life the way I think best. I struggle with the problem of not being real sure what that is sometimes. I don't think I am quite at acceptance yet. I think I still resist giving up what I want and accepting what I have. It does seem attractive in a way to feel comfortable being alone, and I agree -- I would rather be alone than be abused. The only thing is, I think it is just natural, not sick, for me not to prefer being alone. I guess I really do know what I want. It isn't really very unusual. If my only choice is to be alone or be abused, I choose alone. But I would prefer to be in a loving relationship with someone who loved me and did not abuse me. I don't buy that I brought the abuse on by being too needy. I just don't buy that. I didn't deserve to be abused, no matter how needy I might be, or even how bitchy or whatever. But I do agree, though, that I need to get comfortable being alone because there are many moments that I will be, whether I like it or not, so I need to accept that. I know. I agree. I do appreciate your sharing. And the insight about the engulfing and distancing is very enlightening. Please share more of that when you can. I had never heard it told quite so clearly. I am just not sure what to do with it sometimes. But yes, I am. I know what to do with it. Be more aware of what is going on with me and with others, and act accordingly. Thanks, MG. It is also inspiring to see how far you have come. Keep up the good work.
Your sister in recovery,
NAncy
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A preference is different than a need. It IS perfectly healthy to prefer to be in a relationship rather than be alone. I'm not sure which I prefer now. I would gain some things and lose other things if I were involved with someone right now.
You didn't cause the abuse. Allowing and causing are two different things. There are also a lot of reasons, such as fear, to allow abuse to continue. There is no guilt here on your end. I'm just happy you are in a safe place now and have time to heal. It's tough being abused like that. Your self esteem gets beaten into the ground so bad that you can't find worth in yourself. You are totally controlled by the abuser.
Crawling out of that is very hard.
You didn't cause the abuse. Allowing and causing are two different things. There are also a lot of reasons, such as fear, to allow abuse to continue. There is no guilt here on your end. I'm just happy you are in a safe place now and have time to heal. It's tough being abused like that. Your self esteem gets beaten into the ground so bad that you can't find worth in yourself. You are totally controlled by the abuser.
Crawling out of that is very hard.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
Thanks, MG
Thanks, MG,
Thanks for getting it. I am working on just what you are talking about. A friend of mine gave the sage advice that I take a break from relationships until I like myself better. Being a child of two alcoholics, I never had much. My boyfriend in high school used to get really p__d off at me for putting myself down so much. I am geting alot of positives from being unattached. I really understand where you are coming from. When I say things like "I don't buy" that, I am just in a safe place to vent. There are just some people I have run across that don't get it, or that actually have the venom towards victims. You are a safe person. And you do get it. And thanks for letting me vent safely here about those that don't. But I am focusing on myself now, as ACA recommends, and I am finding that I am so busy with my newfound interests (my twins are always number one on that list)! They are playing soccer and football. And they have lots of homework. So I stay very busy, which helps.
Love you, angels,
Nancy
Thanks for getting it. I am working on just what you are talking about. A friend of mine gave the sage advice that I take a break from relationships until I like myself better. Being a child of two alcoholics, I never had much. My boyfriend in high school used to get really p__d off at me for putting myself down so much. I am geting alot of positives from being unattached. I really understand where you are coming from. When I say things like "I don't buy" that, I am just in a safe place to vent. There are just some people I have run across that don't get it, or that actually have the venom towards victims. You are a safe person. And you do get it. And thanks for letting me vent safely here about those that don't. But I am focusing on myself now, as ACA recommends, and I am finding that I am so busy with my newfound interests (my twins are always number one on that list)! They are playing soccer and football. And they have lots of homework. So I stay very busy, which helps.
Love you, angels,
Nancy
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
MG,
It never ceases to amaze me the power of God in my life. The timing of this post and my reading it is definitely not a coincidence.
I recently started going to CoDA meetings, which I'm enjoying immensely. At one meeting, someone shared about love addiction and mentioned a book by Pia Mellody called "Facing Love Addiction". Well, I ran to the bookstore and picked up the book. It describes all the stuff you discussed at the beginning of this thread - abandonment, engulfment, enmeshment - terms I have never heard before (except for abandonment), but they described me to a T. And I realized I've come to yet another layer of the onion that is my psyche - I'm a love/relationship addict. It was a very painful discovery, especially since I was just feeling good about my codependency recovery. Now I find out I'm addicted to my husband - great....
But I'm grateful at the same time b/c I feel I've made another giant leap and have a new focus in my recovery. This love addiction stuff is the area I've been struggling with the most recently, without even knowing what exactly I was struggling with, and to finally hit bottom and learn that it's a new area I can begin to recover from it is a huge relief, even though dealing with it at times is very painful.
Thanks for the post MG, my messenger from God.
Hugs,
JG
It never ceases to amaze me the power of God in my life. The timing of this post and my reading it is definitely not a coincidence.
I recently started going to CoDA meetings, which I'm enjoying immensely. At one meeting, someone shared about love addiction and mentioned a book by Pia Mellody called "Facing Love Addiction". Well, I ran to the bookstore and picked up the book. It describes all the stuff you discussed at the beginning of this thread - abandonment, engulfment, enmeshment - terms I have never heard before (except for abandonment), but they described me to a T. And I realized I've come to yet another layer of the onion that is my psyche - I'm a love/relationship addict. It was a very painful discovery, especially since I was just feeling good about my codependency recovery. Now I find out I'm addicted to my husband - great....
But I'm grateful at the same time b/c I feel I've made another giant leap and have a new focus in my recovery. This love addiction stuff is the area I've been struggling with the most recently, without even knowing what exactly I was struggling with, and to finally hit bottom and learn that it's a new area I can begin to recover from it is a huge relief, even though dealing with it at times is very painful.
Thanks for the post MG, my messenger from God.
Hugs,
JG
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Posts: n/a
I was raised without love. I was never hugged, never heard "I love you" and was the scapegoat of the family. My father disciplined as if we were in boot camp. Not easy being a todler. I survived by latching on to boys trying to get love somehow.
I can remember being in kindergarten and the boy I liked didn't like me anymore. I cried the entire day. I started that young. I was on a quest to find the love to keep me alive. I had to survive somehow. I can remember in elementary school being home and putting on my best dress and going out and standing in the street looking and waiting for the right person to come love me. I would just stand there and twirl, lol. I married at 17, but picked someone who couldn't love and then was addicted to getting it. That was a horror story. After that I kept having relationships with men who couldn't love and tried and tried to get the love I needed.
I started getting serious about my relationship with God. At the same time I met a man that was my dream come true. He took such good care of me and was so nurturing. He was everything I had been searching for my whole life. I was with him for 5 years. During those years God was bringing up all the terrifying, painful memories that I blocked as a child. This man spent 5 years holding me and helping me get through it. The problem was that he hated God and I felt God telling me no. It was the hardest battle I have ever been through. I just could not believe that God would let me have my dream come true and then take it away from me. After great struggle I walked away from this man and my addiction died. I cry just thinking about it. Very painful.
I realize now that God was not taking something away from me. He was freeing me from placing my happiness and dreams in another person. I have grown so much that I know now I could not be with this man. I wouldn't want to be now. I think my love addiction throughout my life was the worst I've ever seen, lol. It's healed. I have also seen others healed in their marriage.
The process of recovery can be very painful at times, but it's worth it. I wouldn't trade what I've gained with God for anything in the world. I can look back at a total disaster of a life with gratitude.
Hugs,
MG
I can remember being in kindergarten and the boy I liked didn't like me anymore. I cried the entire day. I started that young. I was on a quest to find the love to keep me alive. I had to survive somehow. I can remember in elementary school being home and putting on my best dress and going out and standing in the street looking and waiting for the right person to come love me. I would just stand there and twirl, lol. I married at 17, but picked someone who couldn't love and then was addicted to getting it. That was a horror story. After that I kept having relationships with men who couldn't love and tried and tried to get the love I needed.
I started getting serious about my relationship with God. At the same time I met a man that was my dream come true. He took such good care of me and was so nurturing. He was everything I had been searching for my whole life. I was with him for 5 years. During those years God was bringing up all the terrifying, painful memories that I blocked as a child. This man spent 5 years holding me and helping me get through it. The problem was that he hated God and I felt God telling me no. It was the hardest battle I have ever been through. I just could not believe that God would let me have my dream come true and then take it away from me. After great struggle I walked away from this man and my addiction died. I cry just thinking about it. Very painful.
I realize now that God was not taking something away from me. He was freeing me from placing my happiness and dreams in another person. I have grown so much that I know now I could not be with this man. I wouldn't want to be now. I think my love addiction throughout my life was the worst I've ever seen, lol. It's healed. I have also seen others healed in their marriage.
The process of recovery can be very painful at times, but it's worth it. I wouldn't trade what I've gained with God for anything in the world. I can look back at a total disaster of a life with gratitude.
Hugs,
MG
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
I never had the fantasy as a child of growing up and getting married. I never imagined I'd ever find someone who would want to marry me. My dad was very critical and mentally/emotionally abusive, and I pretty much felt unworthy. So, I figured no one else would find me worthy either.
It still amazes me that I'm married. And when I got married, I remember feeling that I finally found someone who would be my best friend. Me and him against the world. I totally enmeshed myself with him, or tried to anyway. While my husband is capable of love, he isn't capable of giving me the kind of love I wanted and thought I needed. No man is.
But b/c he's very loving, supportive, and accepting of me, becoming addicted to him was very easy b/c I never experienced anything remotely close to that in my life. He compliments me, tells me how he adores me, has shared intimate details of his life with me, all good stuff. But it wasn't enough b/c I still felt I didn't have ALL of him. He has a lot of friends, he's a workaholic, and I always feel I have to share him with the world. I wanted to come first, always. I wanted to be the only thing that mattered in his life. His love and what he was willing to give wasn't enough.
My addiction to him has driven me to snooping and damn near stalking, to find out what he's doing when he's not with me. I'm terrified of him leaving me, and this fear/addiction has made me extremely needy and controlling. The funny thing is, in my desperation I kept begging God to "tell me the truth" about my husband, to reveal to me how he REALLy feels, and if there was anything I needed to know about him, to let me know. This was an effort to stop the snooping, b/c it had become totally out of control and I knew I needed to stop. But a funny thing happened - the more I asked God to tell me about my husband, the more he told me about ME instead! And luckily I was in a place where I was ready to listen and come out of denial about me and how sick my actions really are. The controlling stuff isn't nearly as bad as it used to be, but I'm just now starting to understand how needy I am, and how the intensity and desperation of it has caused so many problems for me/us.
Yet my husband hangs in there. I know he has his own love addiction/avoidance issues as well and has been or is just as sick as me - we did find each other, after all!
But just as I was able to get healthier and make changes once he stopped using, I'm hoping as I get healthier and deal with my addiction, our marriage can continue to heal.
HItting bottom, coming out of denial, and learning about my love addiction has been my struggle over the past month and as much as I felt I needed to share about it here, I've been embarassed, and I didn't know where to talk about it. I am so grateful I came to this forum yesterday and read this thread. And thank you MG for sharing your story, which gave me the strength to finally talk about this.
Hugs,
JG
It still amazes me that I'm married. And when I got married, I remember feeling that I finally found someone who would be my best friend. Me and him against the world. I totally enmeshed myself with him, or tried to anyway. While my husband is capable of love, he isn't capable of giving me the kind of love I wanted and thought I needed. No man is.
But b/c he's very loving, supportive, and accepting of me, becoming addicted to him was very easy b/c I never experienced anything remotely close to that in my life. He compliments me, tells me how he adores me, has shared intimate details of his life with me, all good stuff. But it wasn't enough b/c I still felt I didn't have ALL of him. He has a lot of friends, he's a workaholic, and I always feel I have to share him with the world. I wanted to come first, always. I wanted to be the only thing that mattered in his life. His love and what he was willing to give wasn't enough.
My addiction to him has driven me to snooping and damn near stalking, to find out what he's doing when he's not with me. I'm terrified of him leaving me, and this fear/addiction has made me extremely needy and controlling. The funny thing is, in my desperation I kept begging God to "tell me the truth" about my husband, to reveal to me how he REALLy feels, and if there was anything I needed to know about him, to let me know. This was an effort to stop the snooping, b/c it had become totally out of control and I knew I needed to stop. But a funny thing happened - the more I asked God to tell me about my husband, the more he told me about ME instead! And luckily I was in a place where I was ready to listen and come out of denial about me and how sick my actions really are. The controlling stuff isn't nearly as bad as it used to be, but I'm just now starting to understand how needy I am, and how the intensity and desperation of it has caused so many problems for me/us.
Yet my husband hangs in there. I know he has his own love addiction/avoidance issues as well and has been or is just as sick as me - we did find each other, after all!
But just as I was able to get healthier and make changes once he stopped using, I'm hoping as I get healthier and deal with my addiction, our marriage can continue to heal.
HItting bottom, coming out of denial, and learning about my love addiction has been my struggle over the past month and as much as I felt I needed to share about it here, I've been embarassed, and I didn't know where to talk about it. I am so grateful I came to this forum yesterday and read this thread. And thank you MG for sharing your story, which gave me the strength to finally talk about this.
Hugs,
JG
Guest
Posts: n/a
It's a really hard issue to work through JG. I think I worked through the abandonment issue, but trust would still be an issue for me. I know I would still struggle with that if I were in a relationship.
Maybe it comes from being betrayed so many times. I just don't know. I think the key is letting go of the expectations and facing our own pain. I think we try to control the person because they act as a bandaid and maybe we just don't have to face that pain when they do what we want them to do.
We have a universe of mysteries within us. I get impatient because I just want to know and get it over with. God's timing is always perfect though. He only gives me what he knows I can handle. Sometimes waiting is a lesson in itself. It can be pretty traumatic to get a big piece of our percieved reality ripped out from under us. We need time inbetween to learn new balance.
Hugs,
MG
Maybe it comes from being betrayed so many times. I just don't know. I think the key is letting go of the expectations and facing our own pain. I think we try to control the person because they act as a bandaid and maybe we just don't have to face that pain when they do what we want them to do.
We have a universe of mysteries within us. I get impatient because I just want to know and get it over with. God's timing is always perfect though. He only gives me what he knows I can handle. Sometimes waiting is a lesson in itself. It can be pretty traumatic to get a big piece of our percieved reality ripped out from under us. We need time inbetween to learn new balance.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
Had a 'chat' with my mother tonight. Faced or am facing a few things. Hurts. But am getting through it. And here I am here looking once again at these big bad abandonment issues.
I dealt with alot of issues around my Dad. The father I grew up with seems very different to the Dad I have today. Stronger boundaries have been set and are respected most of the times. Once in a while I have to say something to keep them in place though. But over all--things are okay there.
Both my parents were/are alcoholic. My Dad still drinks though he still functions somewhat too. Doesn't drink all the time nor any where near as much as he did. He seems quite pleasant now--almost as if age and his second marriage have mellowed him.
Mom went into recovery about 10 years ago. Same time I did. She's a Christian and has some awesome faith. Some of what am gonna say here might sound pretty lame, but its all real to me. I was the youngest child in the family. Dad was just out of the navy when I came along. Mom had been on her own for the other two, and now I'm there and here's this man telling her she idd everything all wrong. He's controlling like that--or he was. Still tries once in a while but the new wife doesn't let him get away with too much. Not like Mom did. Mom let him walk all over her and didn't express too much. She sure got mad at me though.
According to her, I had my Dad wrapped around my little finger. I cried and he would try and comfort me. Specially at bed time. Then after I wouldn't stop crying he'd get frustrated and smack me. Mom said it didn't matter what kind of attention I got. I wanted attention and I got it. So I won. As if it was a competition. I was just a baby then.
I always felt like I was in the middle between these two. Dad liked long hair on little girls. My sister, Ann, had long red hair. It was beautiful. Mom would spend time every morning just brushing it and putting it in braids. And I wished I could have my hair long too. I wanted to be pretty too and look like all the other girls. But Mom figured I looked good with short hair and kept cutting it. I hated it. Goofy hair style, goofy glasses and Mom says I look pretty. I figured she lied.
Things kept on this way. We go out shopping and Mom asks what colour dress I want. I say red, she points to yellow and says I don't know what would look good. Buys the yellow dress. I hate it. Same thing with dolls at Christmas time. I wanted the blonde haired one. I get the dark haired one. Ann gets the blonde. I smack my doll, tell her she's bad and bury her in the garden. I look back and wonder at that. Symoblic significance?
Later on, Ann gets her period. We are all sent out of the kitchen so Mom and she can have a talk. Ann is princess in Mom's eyes. I am nothing. I never remembered getting my first period. Am 24 years old before I figure out how to use the tampons. I never got 'that talk' with Mom. I was just too young.
First love at 13. A guy named Alex. I think he's awesome and have a big crush on him. He likes Ann though and asks her out. Mom invites him over time and time again for Sunday dinner at our house. I have to sit and watch them and listen to them talking while I am sent away. I am too young to have those kinds of feelings. I'm just a little girl. Part of me accepts. Part of me is angry.
I get invited to play in a good band. Ann isn't. Dad is proud of me and I work hard to be the best I can in this band. Pipe Major notices me and wants to give extra lessons. He tells me I'm grown up for my age and very attractive. After a life time of Mom and Dad telling you your too young, no one will loke you, dude will see you eat and run away...that type of thing. I am happy this dude seems to 'like' me. Feel important. Feel like someone cares. Mom and Dad still arguing. Ann is off with Alex.
I go down for lessons and get a lot of lessons no one bargained for. Not even me truthfully--though I'd lie awake at night and dream of that 'first kiss'. First kiss came. First 'sexual' experience comes. Then I see him with another woman--he invites me in to join in and I just run away. Crushed. He really didn't love me. He really didn't care. I am now back to being unworthy and too young.
Ann moves away, I am left behind. Only kid in family now. Working on getting into music school. Mom and Dad still fighting--this time about sex and drinking and...well...me. I get to 23 or so. Come back to visit with my little girl. Dad tells Mom "why don't you dress more like Taira". Mom glares at me and I feel uncomfortable. They still fight over me only now they fight over everything else too.
Nice guys I pushed away. Didn't want them. Unobtainable guys I date and stay with. Took me living a part of my mothers life to understand why she didn't kick him out. I learned what it is like to feel unwanted. It hurts. Soooooo much it hurts.
The nicer this new guy is, the harder time I have trusting. Been through so much. Abandoned so often. But today I wanted to know why I so felt torn in two and self esteem took such a dive when am in a relationship. Nicer the guy is, harder time I have it seems. Recently I saw myself worrying about stuff I got no business worrying bout. Kind of like the wife going through his personal stuff looking for the dope adn worrying about how long sobriety will last for.
I am thinking now my relationship with my mother has affected my abilities to be in relationships with guys. Wasn't my father who abandoned me, though I did get mad at him for forgetting stuff. Ultimately it was my mother who abandoned me. Is why I so wanted to be just like my sister--b/c then My motehr would have loved me too. She listened to Ann. She never did and still doesn't mostly with me. I am just there in her mind.
I healed my relationship with my Dad but because of that and because of Mom and Dad's relationship, it appears that in doing that I have alienated my mother. Now I know what it must feel like to have your kids go to the fathers. Yet Mom sort of abandoned me and I think this is where I get that low-self-esteem feelings.
I dealt with alot of issues around my Dad. The father I grew up with seems very different to the Dad I have today. Stronger boundaries have been set and are respected most of the times. Once in a while I have to say something to keep them in place though. But over all--things are okay there.
Both my parents were/are alcoholic. My Dad still drinks though he still functions somewhat too. Doesn't drink all the time nor any where near as much as he did. He seems quite pleasant now--almost as if age and his second marriage have mellowed him.
Mom went into recovery about 10 years ago. Same time I did. She's a Christian and has some awesome faith. Some of what am gonna say here might sound pretty lame, but its all real to me. I was the youngest child in the family. Dad was just out of the navy when I came along. Mom had been on her own for the other two, and now I'm there and here's this man telling her she idd everything all wrong. He's controlling like that--or he was. Still tries once in a while but the new wife doesn't let him get away with too much. Not like Mom did. Mom let him walk all over her and didn't express too much. She sure got mad at me though.
According to her, I had my Dad wrapped around my little finger. I cried and he would try and comfort me. Specially at bed time. Then after I wouldn't stop crying he'd get frustrated and smack me. Mom said it didn't matter what kind of attention I got. I wanted attention and I got it. So I won. As if it was a competition. I was just a baby then.
I always felt like I was in the middle between these two. Dad liked long hair on little girls. My sister, Ann, had long red hair. It was beautiful. Mom would spend time every morning just brushing it and putting it in braids. And I wished I could have my hair long too. I wanted to be pretty too and look like all the other girls. But Mom figured I looked good with short hair and kept cutting it. I hated it. Goofy hair style, goofy glasses and Mom says I look pretty. I figured she lied.
Things kept on this way. We go out shopping and Mom asks what colour dress I want. I say red, she points to yellow and says I don't know what would look good. Buys the yellow dress. I hate it. Same thing with dolls at Christmas time. I wanted the blonde haired one. I get the dark haired one. Ann gets the blonde. I smack my doll, tell her she's bad and bury her in the garden. I look back and wonder at that. Symoblic significance?
Later on, Ann gets her period. We are all sent out of the kitchen so Mom and she can have a talk. Ann is princess in Mom's eyes. I am nothing. I never remembered getting my first period. Am 24 years old before I figure out how to use the tampons. I never got 'that talk' with Mom. I was just too young.
First love at 13. A guy named Alex. I think he's awesome and have a big crush on him. He likes Ann though and asks her out. Mom invites him over time and time again for Sunday dinner at our house. I have to sit and watch them and listen to them talking while I am sent away. I am too young to have those kinds of feelings. I'm just a little girl. Part of me accepts. Part of me is angry.
I get invited to play in a good band. Ann isn't. Dad is proud of me and I work hard to be the best I can in this band. Pipe Major notices me and wants to give extra lessons. He tells me I'm grown up for my age and very attractive. After a life time of Mom and Dad telling you your too young, no one will loke you, dude will see you eat and run away...that type of thing. I am happy this dude seems to 'like' me. Feel important. Feel like someone cares. Mom and Dad still arguing. Ann is off with Alex.
I go down for lessons and get a lot of lessons no one bargained for. Not even me truthfully--though I'd lie awake at night and dream of that 'first kiss'. First kiss came. First 'sexual' experience comes. Then I see him with another woman--he invites me in to join in and I just run away. Crushed. He really didn't love me. He really didn't care. I am now back to being unworthy and too young.
Ann moves away, I am left behind. Only kid in family now. Working on getting into music school. Mom and Dad still fighting--this time about sex and drinking and...well...me. I get to 23 or so. Come back to visit with my little girl. Dad tells Mom "why don't you dress more like Taira". Mom glares at me and I feel uncomfortable. They still fight over me only now they fight over everything else too.
Nice guys I pushed away. Didn't want them. Unobtainable guys I date and stay with. Took me living a part of my mothers life to understand why she didn't kick him out. I learned what it is like to feel unwanted. It hurts. Soooooo much it hurts.
The nicer this new guy is, the harder time I have trusting. Been through so much. Abandoned so often. But today I wanted to know why I so felt torn in two and self esteem took such a dive when am in a relationship. Nicer the guy is, harder time I have it seems. Recently I saw myself worrying about stuff I got no business worrying bout. Kind of like the wife going through his personal stuff looking for the dope adn worrying about how long sobriety will last for.
I am thinking now my relationship with my mother has affected my abilities to be in relationships with guys. Wasn't my father who abandoned me, though I did get mad at him for forgetting stuff. Ultimately it was my mother who abandoned me. Is why I so wanted to be just like my sister--b/c then My motehr would have loved me too. She listened to Ann. She never did and still doesn't mostly with me. I am just there in her mind.
I healed my relationship with my Dad but because of that and because of Mom and Dad's relationship, it appears that in doing that I have alienated my mother. Now I know what it must feel like to have your kids go to the fathers. Yet Mom sort of abandoned me and I think this is where I get that low-self-esteem feelings.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
You folks are awesome
You folks are awesome to share so much and teach me so much through your experience. There are parts of each I can relate to and of course parts that differ some from my experience. I am at a point of growth I think, but I am always riddled with indecision, part of being an ACA, but I try to work through it and not use that as an excuse. I think you say it well when you say there are parts of us. Part of me feels like I loved too much and part of me feels like I didn't love enough (the real way). I think both parts are valid. I think that it is definitely helpful for me to be taking a break from relationships right now until I have defined myself better. But, as you say, MG, I can remember that I may not get where I want to be (in terms of progress of growth for the moment) or what I want (in terms of instant gratification), but that's ok because I will get where God wants me to be when He wants and have what God wants me to have when He wants me to have it. Im other words, I can practice the steps for recovery and ask only that I be given the ability to carry out His will. Thanks for reminding me of Who is in control, so I don't have to be. What a release.
Love you,
Nancy
Love you,
Nancy
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
(((((Taira)))))
I can relate so much to what you said, especially about nice guys. The nicer someone is to me, that's when I start looking for the hidden motive - what do they REALLY want?
I alternate b/t which parent I think I suffered the most emotional abandonment from. I guess it doesn't really matter in terms of who did more (or less). The damage was done. But I'm working on my self-esteem and worth. I can hear the voices in my head and I'm trying to combat them.
And Nancy, as you said, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I may not be where I want to be yet, but at least I'm not where I was.
Hugs,
JG
I can relate so much to what you said, especially about nice guys. The nicer someone is to me, that's when I start looking for the hidden motive - what do they REALLY want?
I alternate b/t which parent I think I suffered the most emotional abandonment from. I guess it doesn't really matter in terms of who did more (or less). The damage was done. But I'm working on my self-esteem and worth. I can hear the voices in my head and I'm trying to combat them.
And Nancy, as you said, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I may not be where I want to be yet, but at least I'm not where I was.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
Its wierd.
I figured I dealt with all of this stuff years ago. Yet today I'm looking at it all again just from a different angle.
For a while I was contemptual of my mother. I was angry with her so much while I was growing up. But I think I projected that inwards. Then as a teen I was contemptuous of her. Why the heck when Dad yelled did she always crumble like she did. Why didn't she do something. I'd never stand to be treated that way. And then I got married and it was like I became my mother.
Then I got divorced and was angry at both of them for a while. It hurt to watch them tear each other apart--hurt to watch Dad cut down Mom and her just do nothing. So I stayed away and felt gulty, like I was letting her down. I'd try in my own way and help her. Buy her drinks when Dad was particulary rude to her. And then I went away. I had to. Their dance was tearing me up too much to sit and watch.
Away, I again became my mother and could understand things a bit more. But understanding isn't really the same thing as dealing with stuff. I was ticked with my Dad and afraid of him because I always thought that if we stood up to him, he'd be gone. That was one of the lies my mother projected onto us. Mom went into recovery and I went back home.
Spent some time building better boundaries with my Dad and it was scary big time to do. But I knew I had to do it so I could have a hope of ever having a healthy relationship. So, when he would come into my house and yell at me, I'd tell him to leave. And he married again and I learned alot from the new wife. She is not the same as Mom. She won't take crap from no one. He tried pushing her around one night and ended up in jail for the night. That changed him I think. See, Mom had never stood up to Dad.
Learned alot from Cathy. Men only abuse if you let them. Sure they can try and stuff but really they are afraid of us. And if we set the boundaries and stick to them--then much of it is avoided. Now when Dad is in a bad mood--Cathy puts up with a bit and then tells him to go take a walk. And he does!!!!!!!
Mom, I still can't talk to. Not openly. See, now I understand that she was part of the whole thing back then. 50%. And I still love my Dad. How does this relate to me now? My mom is the sober, Christian and Dad is the sick alcoholic. Yet Dad and I can talk and I have boundaries with him and still have a relationship. With Mom, I can't really talk openly at all. She still holds too much anger.
And as I look over the past--at those formative years where I was learning about whether I was lovable--about God and about sex and all of that--it was Mom who taught me so much. She was the one who went to church. Not Dad. She and my sister were who I was angry at when I went down on that week. They had paraded Alex around for so long and it hurt so much to be told I shouldn't be having feelings like that. I was still a little girl. And so when this guy said I was mature and stuff--I lept at the chance to prove I was. And I went right into the trap. Then I could never look Mom in the eye again.
Mom still doesn't hear me. She never could. Its like there is an invisible wall between us and anytime I say anything that I think that is different than what she did or thinks--its like I'm autommatically wrong and she tells me to be quiet not to talk. And I feel less than in her eyes.
Today I can chose to allow this to control me or I can choose to let it go. It hurt realizing this. It hurts to realize that your mother is just another screwed up person--and that she can't hear you or accept you not because of really your stuff--but because you (I) remind her of Dad. And just because Dad drinks, does not make him a monster, nor does it make him unlovable. He is not the same man he was when we were growing up. Then it was like he was a monster.
But Cathy has taken the monster out of him it seems. He is happy now. And I need not feel like I'm betraying my mother by being here in the present and building a relationship with my father based upon who he is today.
I pray for my mother. I pray for my father too. That my father will find peace. And I pray that my mother will let go of this anger she has towards my father--I pray that she will open her eyes to the fact that she was 50% responsible for all that happened. And to the fact that even though she is angry, despite all, that Dad is a different man now than he was back then. I pray my mother gets to know this before its too late. My father does not have many years left.
Wana thank everyone here truly for giving me the chance and the space and the nudges to work this out.
I figured I dealt with all of this stuff years ago. Yet today I'm looking at it all again just from a different angle.
For a while I was contemptual of my mother. I was angry with her so much while I was growing up. But I think I projected that inwards. Then as a teen I was contemptuous of her. Why the heck when Dad yelled did she always crumble like she did. Why didn't she do something. I'd never stand to be treated that way. And then I got married and it was like I became my mother.
Then I got divorced and was angry at both of them for a while. It hurt to watch them tear each other apart--hurt to watch Dad cut down Mom and her just do nothing. So I stayed away and felt gulty, like I was letting her down. I'd try in my own way and help her. Buy her drinks when Dad was particulary rude to her. And then I went away. I had to. Their dance was tearing me up too much to sit and watch.
Away, I again became my mother and could understand things a bit more. But understanding isn't really the same thing as dealing with stuff. I was ticked with my Dad and afraid of him because I always thought that if we stood up to him, he'd be gone. That was one of the lies my mother projected onto us. Mom went into recovery and I went back home.
Spent some time building better boundaries with my Dad and it was scary big time to do. But I knew I had to do it so I could have a hope of ever having a healthy relationship. So, when he would come into my house and yell at me, I'd tell him to leave. And he married again and I learned alot from the new wife. She is not the same as Mom. She won't take crap from no one. He tried pushing her around one night and ended up in jail for the night. That changed him I think. See, Mom had never stood up to Dad.
Learned alot from Cathy. Men only abuse if you let them. Sure they can try and stuff but really they are afraid of us. And if we set the boundaries and stick to them--then much of it is avoided. Now when Dad is in a bad mood--Cathy puts up with a bit and then tells him to go take a walk. And he does!!!!!!!
Mom, I still can't talk to. Not openly. See, now I understand that she was part of the whole thing back then. 50%. And I still love my Dad. How does this relate to me now? My mom is the sober, Christian and Dad is the sick alcoholic. Yet Dad and I can talk and I have boundaries with him and still have a relationship. With Mom, I can't really talk openly at all. She still holds too much anger.
And as I look over the past--at those formative years where I was learning about whether I was lovable--about God and about sex and all of that--it was Mom who taught me so much. She was the one who went to church. Not Dad. She and my sister were who I was angry at when I went down on that week. They had paraded Alex around for so long and it hurt so much to be told I shouldn't be having feelings like that. I was still a little girl. And so when this guy said I was mature and stuff--I lept at the chance to prove I was. And I went right into the trap. Then I could never look Mom in the eye again.
Mom still doesn't hear me. She never could. Its like there is an invisible wall between us and anytime I say anything that I think that is different than what she did or thinks--its like I'm autommatically wrong and she tells me to be quiet not to talk. And I feel less than in her eyes.
Today I can chose to allow this to control me or I can choose to let it go. It hurt realizing this. It hurts to realize that your mother is just another screwed up person--and that she can't hear you or accept you not because of really your stuff--but because you (I) remind her of Dad. And just because Dad drinks, does not make him a monster, nor does it make him unlovable. He is not the same man he was when we were growing up. Then it was like he was a monster.
But Cathy has taken the monster out of him it seems. He is happy now. And I need not feel like I'm betraying my mother by being here in the present and building a relationship with my father based upon who he is today.
I pray for my mother. I pray for my father too. That my father will find peace. And I pray that my mother will let go of this anger she has towards my father--I pray that she will open her eyes to the fact that she was 50% responsible for all that happened. And to the fact that even though she is angry, despite all, that Dad is a different man now than he was back then. I pray my mother gets to know this before its too late. My father does not have many years left.
Wana thank everyone here truly for giving me the chance and the space and the nudges to work this out.
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