abandonment issues
ConfusedForever
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Boston, MA GO SOX!
Posts: 5
I want to thank both of you for responding.
I am under no illusion that I can "fix" this woman, but I always have hope for anyone with serious problems. That part is up to her. I am fully focused on my own self and although the end game is to attract a more "healthy" person, everybody has issues, some more than others. How do we really know what lies beneath? I wonder if it is easier to deal with somebody elses issues if you suffer from some of the same things. When we did have our healthy moments, the mutual understanding of our respective pain and how we survived it brought us closer in I guess what could be considered a healthy way. We got each other on a level that people like us don't usually come across often. Her career goals now were my goals 10 years ago. We have great respect for our work ethics among other things. It was just that missing component of both of us thinking that we were not worthy of each other.
I understand what attracted us to begin with, it was suppossed just a casual thing, but developed into something more. Then the "dance" started, just like the books say. But unlike some of my past interests, she did not possess that nasty streak that I usally go for. She has a level of kindness that I was not expecting. Am I willing to risk my sanity...of course not. But I am willing to see if our experience together was as helpful to her as it was to me. I will have a much better idea after we get together for the first time. Part of me dreads the reintroduction, the other part is very much looking forward to it. It also does not mean that if somebody else came along, that I would avoid that person waiting for her to "heal." With this woman, we will call her Jane, I want to start out building a real friendship first, not trying to rush to the end like I did before. If it developes back into romance, great, with conditions. She has to do some work as well. But I won't be pointing out where her faults lie, she already knows.
I guess time will tell the tale...for both of us.
I am under no illusion that I can "fix" this woman, but I always have hope for anyone with serious problems. That part is up to her. I am fully focused on my own self and although the end game is to attract a more "healthy" person, everybody has issues, some more than others. How do we really know what lies beneath? I wonder if it is easier to deal with somebody elses issues if you suffer from some of the same things. When we did have our healthy moments, the mutual understanding of our respective pain and how we survived it brought us closer in I guess what could be considered a healthy way. We got each other on a level that people like us don't usually come across often. Her career goals now were my goals 10 years ago. We have great respect for our work ethics among other things. It was just that missing component of both of us thinking that we were not worthy of each other.
I understand what attracted us to begin with, it was suppossed just a casual thing, but developed into something more. Then the "dance" started, just like the books say. But unlike some of my past interests, she did not possess that nasty streak that I usally go for. She has a level of kindness that I was not expecting. Am I willing to risk my sanity...of course not. But I am willing to see if our experience together was as helpful to her as it was to me. I will have a much better idea after we get together for the first time. Part of me dreads the reintroduction, the other part is very much looking forward to it. It also does not mean that if somebody else came along, that I would avoid that person waiting for her to "heal." With this woman, we will call her Jane, I want to start out building a real friendship first, not trying to rush to the end like I did before. If it developes back into romance, great, with conditions. She has to do some work as well. But I won't be pointing out where her faults lie, she already knows.
I guess time will tell the tale...for both of us.
Mark in Boston
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 15
I found this exact same post (POST #1) online here:
http://www.growingaware.com.au/selve...h_abandonm.htm
this is an excellent site. I recommend it whole heartedly. Just delete everything after ".au" and you will find their home page. I hope this helps a bit...
http://www.growingaware.com.au/selve...h_abandonm.htm
this is an excellent site. I recommend it whole heartedly. Just delete everything after ".au" and you will find their home page. I hope this helps a bit...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Hi Everyone, I've had to work so hard at not trying to fix everyone but, myself. I would point out every little fault in my wife and others, to keep from dealing with my own lack of ability to be perfect. I used it like amunition more that a desire to help. Any identerfiers out there? Don W
ConfusedForever
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Boston, MA GO SOX!
Posts: 5
Hi Don
I am sure there are plenty of people like yourself, me being one of them. I don't do it nearly as often anymore. Everybody gets their reality check at some point and mine came a couple of years ago when my long term girlfriend left me for another man that she had known for a couple of weeks. I pointed out every little detail that bothered me about her to the point that I thought I was perfect...so evolved. Well I was wrong. Even though she is/was a mess, I became so tired of it that it became a sport. Not very nice of me (hindsight certainly is 20/20) I did it anyway. She was my reality check. I spent two years alone looking at what I did and why. Did not really figure it out until my last relationship, Jane. Now I fully get it and why. Have you had your reality check? Because if you have not had one and you still behave that way, you will have one, and it will hurt. Are you and your wife still together? I hope so. And if so, how did you go about starting to break you habit?
Welcome...this is an interesting forum that I have learned from.
I am sure there are plenty of people like yourself, me being one of them. I don't do it nearly as often anymore. Everybody gets their reality check at some point and mine came a couple of years ago when my long term girlfriend left me for another man that she had known for a couple of weeks. I pointed out every little detail that bothered me about her to the point that I thought I was perfect...so evolved. Well I was wrong. Even though she is/was a mess, I became so tired of it that it became a sport. Not very nice of me (hindsight certainly is 20/20) I did it anyway. She was my reality check. I spent two years alone looking at what I did and why. Did not really figure it out until my last relationship, Jane. Now I fully get it and why. Have you had your reality check? Because if you have not had one and you still behave that way, you will have one, and it will hurt. Are you and your wife still together? I hope so. And if so, how did you go about starting to break you habit?
Welcome...this is an interesting forum that I have learned from.
Mark in Boston
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Nancy Allegood
Dear Tara,
Thanks so much for sharing. You are right -- it is so difficult for anyone to admit that they share 50% of the responsiblity for a toxic relationship. I had a real hard time admitting that one myself. It did not come until I had healed enough to be strong enough to do it, and was ready and willing. Even now after alot of time it is hard. But thanks to recovery, I believe I am finally facing those things about myself that need facing.
Being firm and taking care of myself and not letting people or myself mistreat me, like you say.
EDITED
And again, the Serenity Prayer. I cannot control all the tearing down others do -- I can control what I can, and have the courage to change what I can, my own tearing down and how I treat myself, and others, and then I have to accept what I can't change (other's behavior) and pray to have the wisdom and serenity to accept the difference.
Sounds like you are successfully working through alot of stuff with your Mom and you are on the road to healing. Good luck to you!
Love, NAncy
Thanks so much for sharing. You are right -- it is so difficult for anyone to admit that they share 50% of the responsiblity for a toxic relationship. I had a real hard time admitting that one myself. It did not come until I had healed enough to be strong enough to do it, and was ready and willing. Even now after alot of time it is hard. But thanks to recovery, I believe I am finally facing those things about myself that need facing.
Being firm and taking care of myself and not letting people or myself mistreat me, like you say.
EDITED
And again, the Serenity Prayer. I cannot control all the tearing down others do -- I can control what I can, and have the courage to change what I can, my own tearing down and how I treat myself, and others, and then I have to accept what I can't change (other's behavior) and pray to have the wisdom and serenity to accept the difference.
Sounds like you are successfully working through alot of stuff with your Mom and you are on the road to healing. Good luck to you!
Love, NAncy
Nancy,
Thank you for a truly heartfelt posting. It is so important to share when in recovery. I know how hard it is to recognize the source of one's problems, and how hard it is to work on healing inside.
I wish you the very best in your recovery. Take care.
Mark
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
Nancy,
I can speak for myself. I had issues with abandonment and engulfment. I chose relationships with people who couldn't be intimate and then craved the intamacy and the fear of abandonment would kick in.
No one can treat us like trash unless we allow it. I got out of the cycle by digging into my childhood pain and connecting the emotions to the original incidents that caused the pain. This is what stopped my need to continue projecting those emotions onto present circumstances. When the emotions were healed my needs changed. I learned to respect myself and was able to receive nurturing from God.
All the answers for me were within. God shined the light and exposed all the lies I was believing and the truth set me free. I know I am still believing lies and I wait to learn more.
That's what we call light bulb moments around here.
I can speak for myself. I had issues with abandonment and engulfment. I chose relationships with people who couldn't be intimate and then craved the intamacy and the fear of abandonment would kick in.
No one can treat us like trash unless we allow it. I got out of the cycle by digging into my childhood pain and connecting the emotions to the original incidents that caused the pain. This is what stopped my need to continue projecting those emotions onto present circumstances. When the emotions were healed my needs changed. I learned to respect myself and was able to receive nurturing from God.
All the answers for me were within. God shined the light and exposed all the lies I was believing and the truth set me free. I know I am still believing lies and I wait to learn more.
That's what we call light bulb moments around here.
I guess this stuff can't be changed overnight!
I need to start digging into some childhood pain so I can get out of this cycle. Awareness isn't enough. Some real healing needs to take place. At least I know God is still working on me, bit by bit...
Guest
Posts: n/a
I've been thinking JG. (uh oh!)
My fantasy to fill my need was a perfect relationship. I wanted someone to charge in and give me everything emotionally that I never received. I was set up for failure. I picked the wrong obsession, lol. Being sexually assaulted at a young age left me with a lot of shame and low self esteem. I chose men that treated me abusively, but I still had the same obsession to fill my need with Prince Charming. My fantasy kept crashing into reality.
It was like having a huge thirst for water and choosing to live in the dry desert. I kept digging in the sand to find that water and it just wasn't there. I blamed the desert. I yelled at the desert. I begged. I pleaded. I kept moving to a different desert thinking something would be different. The relationships I chose were just a mirage of water. When I got closer I realized it wasn't water at all. Then the light bulb went on. I AM THE DESERT There is no water in me. (Fill in the blanks for water)
So now what? I had a lot of work to do. You can't leave the desert if you are the desert. I had to first learn that my fantasy was just a mirage and that anything added to the desert had to come from within me. No one could join me there except God. He had a lot of hard work to do to turn my desert into ground that would produce fruit and streams of water and life and sunshine. The very first work he did was to show me what the mirages were so I didn't believe they were true any longer. I still see one every so often and he is still teaching me. It takes a long time to prepare the ground and we wait to reap the reward of the hard work.
It was a great relief when I was able to stop chasing after mirages, but quite depressing too to just sit in the desert. The greatest thing though is that I can rest where I am.
Hugs
My fantasy to fill my need was a perfect relationship. I wanted someone to charge in and give me everything emotionally that I never received. I was set up for failure. I picked the wrong obsession, lol. Being sexually assaulted at a young age left me with a lot of shame and low self esteem. I chose men that treated me abusively, but I still had the same obsession to fill my need with Prince Charming. My fantasy kept crashing into reality.
It was like having a huge thirst for water and choosing to live in the dry desert. I kept digging in the sand to find that water and it just wasn't there. I blamed the desert. I yelled at the desert. I begged. I pleaded. I kept moving to a different desert thinking something would be different. The relationships I chose were just a mirage of water. When I got closer I realized it wasn't water at all. Then the light bulb went on. I AM THE DESERT There is no water in me. (Fill in the blanks for water)
So now what? I had a lot of work to do. You can't leave the desert if you are the desert. I had to first learn that my fantasy was just a mirage and that anything added to the desert had to come from within me. No one could join me there except God. He had a lot of hard work to do to turn my desert into ground that would produce fruit and streams of water and life and sunshine. The very first work he did was to show me what the mirages were so I didn't believe they were true any longer. I still see one every so often and he is still teaching me. It takes a long time to prepare the ground and we wait to reap the reward of the hard work.
It was a great relief when I was able to stop chasing after mirages, but quite depressing too to just sit in the desert. The greatest thing though is that I can rest where I am.
Hugs
Last edited by Morning Glory; 01-31-2005 at 01:03 PM.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
OMG.
I am the desert.
I am in the middle of a 35 year drought.
Last night I finally got a glimpse of the mirage for the first time. Oh, I've seen it many times before, but I always assumed it was real and never allowed myself to really look at it to see that it really wasn't there at all. I kept trying to fill my cup with water but it always seemed to come back empty.
Right now, my desert is pretty empty except for one lone palm tree. It is real though, not a mirage, and it's providing me some shade so at least I can be somewhat comfortable when I need to rest. Hmmm, I guess God is that tree.
I think I'll sit down for a spell. I've been chasing this particular mirage for a while and I'm pretty tired.
Thanks MG.
I am the desert.
I am in the middle of a 35 year drought.
Last night I finally got a glimpse of the mirage for the first time. Oh, I've seen it many times before, but I always assumed it was real and never allowed myself to really look at it to see that it really wasn't there at all. I kept trying to fill my cup with water but it always seemed to come back empty.
Right now, my desert is pretty empty except for one lone palm tree. It is real though, not a mirage, and it's providing me some shade so at least I can be somewhat comfortable when I need to rest. Hmmm, I guess God is that tree.
I think I'll sit down for a spell. I've been chasing this particular mirage for a while and I'm pretty tired.
Thanks MG.
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