abandonment issues
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
Thanks, Tara
Dear Tara,
Thanks so much for sharing. You are right -- it is so difficult for anyone to admit that they share 50% of the responsiblity for a toxic relationship. I had a real hard time admitting that one myself. It did not come until I had healed enough to be strong enough to do it, and was ready and willing. Even now after alot of time it is hard. But thanks to recovery, I believe I am finally facing those things about myself that need facing.
Being firm and taking care of myself and not letting people or myself mistreat me, like you say.
As someone who is recovering from the victim role, that I really never wanted, BTW, as some believe, I would like to just comment on a couple of things from the victim's perspective. I assume I am correct that we are speaking of physical abuse here, from implications of jail for the night, etc.
First, take into account that being firm and taking care of yourself and setting boundaries and so forth do not come as easily for some personalities and for some backgrounds and experiences as others. For some, like me, we have to go into recovery and reach out for help and let people teach us how to do it, as we do not know how without help. We have not had that modelled for us and lots of complex psychological reasons. And people have different personalities. Some, like myself, find it very difficult to enforce discipline and rules and boundaries on others, when they were never enforced for us as children (ACA).
Or maybe we are softhearted. Or confused about the right thing to do. Some of these situations are very hard and the decision to put a significant other in jail is not easy for some of us. Anyway, I have agonized over this so much, as my mother and I were both victims, and my daughter as well.
One thing I have come to is the thought that maybe there are certain types of people that others abuse more than others because they seem easier to abuse because they seem "safe." They seem so soft and kind or weak that they become targets. People often do this to immediate family members because they feel safer, I think, with them. Less likely to be abandoned. Especially mothers. Anyway, this kind of target, as I myself can say from experience, seems to draw so much undeserved, I might add, mental, emotional and phusical abuse from so many directions at once, that often it just rains on us so much and so fast that we get battered and beaten down so much that sometimes we are just too wounded to have the strength to stand up for ourselves. If we are lucky enough to have a break, or respite, we might heal and change. Sometimes we have to make the break, as I finally did. But I had to be left the first time by my ex, and the second time I had to come so close to death that I was too scared to go back. So I cannot judge others who don't leave. I am not sure I could have had I not been coerced by circumstances.
And remember, it is always a difficult choice. The person in the situation is afraid of losing someone they love very much. So they must weigh the negative consequences of the abuse against the negative consequence of the leaving or whatever boundary is being enforced. We often don't realize until it is too late that all of this might have been easier to do before it escalated. We didn't see it coming. Once we get blindsided, by that time, it is really very difficult to deal with and set boundaries. It is always a choice. I wish victims could get more compassion and less contempt when they choose to stay or don't behave as others would have them to. But I can't control attitudes, I had to learn that. I can only control how I accept and love myself.
The anger is understandable, though. It is hard to be patient with someone you want to help and they keep going right back in the same mess that you cleaned up. I have seen that happen and I know how frustrating it is. Yet, the victim still needs compassion and help.
It is so weird to be a former victim and be hurt by other people's contempt and anger for my lack of boundaries, and then to feel the same anger towards my mother when I see her acting the same way! My Dad is dead, now though, but when she lets someone walk all over her, I still get triggered and angry.
I learn so much when I honestly look at my relationship with my mother, and how I relate to her, feel about her and treat her. Thank God she is still alive and puts up with me because I am the only family member she has left! But this self-put down, that I only see after it comes out, is one of the things I am working on. I am learning to build myself up instead of tear myself down, I hope. But change is gradual. It won't come as fast as I want it to, but it does come sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, if I work for it.
And again, the Serenity Prayer. I cannot control all the tearing down others do -- I can control what I can, and have the courage to change what I can, my own tearing down and how I treat myself, and others, and then I have to accept what I can't change (other's behavior) and pray to have the wisdom and serenity to accept the difference.
Sounds like you are successfully working through alot of stuff with your Mom and you are on the road to healing. Good luck to you!
Love, NAncy
Thanks so much for sharing. You are right -- it is so difficult for anyone to admit that they share 50% of the responsiblity for a toxic relationship. I had a real hard time admitting that one myself. It did not come until I had healed enough to be strong enough to do it, and was ready and willing. Even now after alot of time it is hard. But thanks to recovery, I believe I am finally facing those things about myself that need facing.
Being firm and taking care of myself and not letting people or myself mistreat me, like you say.
As someone who is recovering from the victim role, that I really never wanted, BTW, as some believe, I would like to just comment on a couple of things from the victim's perspective. I assume I am correct that we are speaking of physical abuse here, from implications of jail for the night, etc.
First, take into account that being firm and taking care of yourself and setting boundaries and so forth do not come as easily for some personalities and for some backgrounds and experiences as others. For some, like me, we have to go into recovery and reach out for help and let people teach us how to do it, as we do not know how without help. We have not had that modelled for us and lots of complex psychological reasons. And people have different personalities. Some, like myself, find it very difficult to enforce discipline and rules and boundaries on others, when they were never enforced for us as children (ACA).
Or maybe we are softhearted. Or confused about the right thing to do. Some of these situations are very hard and the decision to put a significant other in jail is not easy for some of us. Anyway, I have agonized over this so much, as my mother and I were both victims, and my daughter as well.
One thing I have come to is the thought that maybe there are certain types of people that others abuse more than others because they seem easier to abuse because they seem "safe." They seem so soft and kind or weak that they become targets. People often do this to immediate family members because they feel safer, I think, with them. Less likely to be abandoned. Especially mothers. Anyway, this kind of target, as I myself can say from experience, seems to draw so much undeserved, I might add, mental, emotional and phusical abuse from so many directions at once, that often it just rains on us so much and so fast that we get battered and beaten down so much that sometimes we are just too wounded to have the strength to stand up for ourselves. If we are lucky enough to have a break, or respite, we might heal and change. Sometimes we have to make the break, as I finally did. But I had to be left the first time by my ex, and the second time I had to come so close to death that I was too scared to go back. So I cannot judge others who don't leave. I am not sure I could have had I not been coerced by circumstances.
And remember, it is always a difficult choice. The person in the situation is afraid of losing someone they love very much. So they must weigh the negative consequences of the abuse against the negative consequence of the leaving or whatever boundary is being enforced. We often don't realize until it is too late that all of this might have been easier to do before it escalated. We didn't see it coming. Once we get blindsided, by that time, it is really very difficult to deal with and set boundaries. It is always a choice. I wish victims could get more compassion and less contempt when they choose to stay or don't behave as others would have them to. But I can't control attitudes, I had to learn that. I can only control how I accept and love myself.
The anger is understandable, though. It is hard to be patient with someone you want to help and they keep going right back in the same mess that you cleaned up. I have seen that happen and I know how frustrating it is. Yet, the victim still needs compassion and help.
It is so weird to be a former victim and be hurt by other people's contempt and anger for my lack of boundaries, and then to feel the same anger towards my mother when I see her acting the same way! My Dad is dead, now though, but when she lets someone walk all over her, I still get triggered and angry.
I learn so much when I honestly look at my relationship with my mother, and how I relate to her, feel about her and treat her. Thank God she is still alive and puts up with me because I am the only family member she has left! But this self-put down, that I only see after it comes out, is one of the things I am working on. I am learning to build myself up instead of tear myself down, I hope. But change is gradual. It won't come as fast as I want it to, but it does come sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, if I work for it.
And again, the Serenity Prayer. I cannot control all the tearing down others do -- I can control what I can, and have the courage to change what I can, my own tearing down and how I treat myself, and others, and then I have to accept what I can't change (other's behavior) and pray to have the wisdom and serenity to accept the difference.
Sounds like you are successfully working through alot of stuff with your Mom and you are on the road to healing. Good luck to you!
Love, NAncy
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: salem, OR
Posts: 2
Abandonment
The writer here seems to have expert knowledge of the types of personality conflicts that happen around abandonment and engulfment and its been a joy to read that someone has actually mapped this out and has a key to understanding these issues. How can I find out more? Where are these types found? Are there some books on the subject that are helpful?
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
Response to Steven
Dear Steven,
I would say that MG on the post a few posts back probably has the best understanding and can help you the most. I have just learned from real generational life experience. I have had therapy too. 12 step programs, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Alanon literature and work is most helpful. Check them out online by just typing in keywords "adult children alcoholics official site" or "Alanon official site" and if that doesnt work I can look up the link for you.
Happy reading!
Nancy
I would say that MG on the post a few posts back probably has the best understanding and can help you the most. I have just learned from real generational life experience. I have had therapy too. 12 step programs, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Alanon literature and work is most helpful. Check them out online by just typing in keywords "adult children alcoholics official site" or "Alanon official site" and if that doesnt work I can look up the link for you.
Happy reading!
Nancy
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: salem, OR
Posts: 2
Nancy,
Thank you. My post landed after yours, I guess, but what I was responding to was the earlier post from MG. I am wondering what book that knowledge comes from. MG, are you reading this?
I know Alanon, etc. What Im trying to do is get a sense of what this love addiction, abandonment, etc. issues are.
Thank you. My post landed after yours, I guess, but what I was responding to was the earlier post from MG. I am wondering what book that knowledge comes from. MG, are you reading this?
I know Alanon, etc. What Im trying to do is get a sense of what this love addiction, abandonment, etc. issues are.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome Steven,
I went back and found the link. You can read a lot of the book online.
http://www.growingaware.com.au/TABLEofCONTENTS_2002.HTM
I went back and found the link. You can read a lot of the book online.
http://www.growingaware.com.au/TABLEofCONTENTS_2002.HTM
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boise ID
Posts: 1
I lived this so many times
MG I have lived that relationship life so many times over and over,,,except this time I am really trying to not repeat it...I am so afraid I will be alone forever..And I lost someone I love or thought I did...
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome teenytnydncr,
I lived it over and over many times and I finally got to the bottom of what was causing it and was able to stop the pattern.
Keep working at it and you'll figure it out. The answers are there. We just have to walk into them.
Hugs,
MG
I lived it over and over many times and I finally got to the bottom of what was causing it and was able to stop the pattern.
Keep working at it and you'll figure it out. The answers are there. We just have to walk into them.
Hugs,
MG
ConfusedForever
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Boston, MA GO SOX!
Posts: 5
Hello,
I am a new member. I have discovered that I am a love addict. But at times I have displayed love avoidance. Can you have both tendencies? I have gone to the extremes on both levels. I am really confused as I am in the middle of love addiction and over a year ago, I was a love avoidant.
I am a new member. I have discovered that I am a love addict. But at times I have displayed love avoidance. Can you have both tendencies? I have gone to the extremes on both levels. I am really confused as I am in the middle of love addiction and over a year ago, I was a love avoidant.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome Confusedforever,
I've experienced both. In my case I think avoidance was more of not finding the right person that would allow me to repeat my dysfunctional patterns. Once that person came along I would go back into my relationship addiction.
I was finally able to quit when I found the cause of the pattern. It was an interesting journey of finding out what made me do the things in life I was doing. There is a good book that explains both these issues. I'll see if I can find the title for you.
Hugs,
MG
I've experienced both. In my case I think avoidance was more of not finding the right person that would allow me to repeat my dysfunctional patterns. Once that person came along I would go back into my relationship addiction.
I was finally able to quit when I found the cause of the pattern. It was an interesting journey of finding out what made me do the things in life I was doing. There is a good book that explains both these issues. I'll see if I can find the title for you.
Hugs,
MG
ConfusedForever
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Boston, MA GO SOX!
Posts: 5
So does that mean that I major in love addiction and minor in love avoidance? I am 40 years old and have never really had a "healthy" relationship. I tend to run from the type of woman that I become when I am acting like an addict...smothering! Yet when I am into a woman, at some point I smother when I sense them avoiding. And healthy women do not attract me at all, only as good friends. I have read two books this month and most of the time I cannot tell which one I am. Over the last 20 years, I am at 50/50. I have avoided as much as I have obsessed. It is almost every other woman gets the avoidance and vice versa with addiction.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Here is another post by Pernell that was very good.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...7088#post37088
It may have more information.
I know there is a reason we do the things we do. Often times the reason is hidden from us. It can be different for all of us and burried from a long time ago.
See what you think of the post.
Hugs,
MG
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...7088#post37088
It may have more information.
I know there is a reason we do the things we do. Often times the reason is hidden from us. It can be different for all of us and burried from a long time ago.
See what you think of the post.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Hi Everyone, I've been reading with much intrest about the Abandonment Issues.
I have never given it much thought. However, MG in one of her replys to me mentioned that there were many pieces to the puzzle. I've alwys limited myself by thinking of my problems on as " Mental". I can now see how complex this can be. Sometimes I find a piece mixed in with others, making it hard to see. I can now remember back as a child of being abandoned. I felt family members that could have stepped in didn't. I can remember, our family doctor tring to help but, not family. While reading your posts I thought of the feeling of abandonment when I went into the service. It was 1967, I was 18 and afraid. Strangly as bad as my father had been I wanted him and my mother with me at the bus station. What happened, they didn't feel like getting up early so, my older brother took me. I can see it plain as day. Both he and I waiting at the Bus Stop, I think he wanted to hug me like I him. Neither one of us knew how to do it. Instead we both pretended we weren't that close so we wouldn't feel hurt. For years even though he was one to have abused me, I remained close to him. I'd always call him for help when drunk. I always told him that, having brought me to the bus meant so much to me. I still to this day feel uncomfortalbe letting people get close to me. What if I show emotion. This past week when my wife wouldn't go to my doctors appointment, I had that same feeling of abandonment. Like my parents she said, your a big boy you don't need me. I've had that feeling many times when close to someone but, never made the connection. I have the Heart Test, on Thursday, and she wants to know if I'd like her to be their. I lied and said she didn't have to. I guess my question is this. I've posted before about being able to identify with so many other issues people have, PTSD, DID, BIPOLAR etc. Could it be that someday they will find a connection? That all of these are a piece of the puzzle they have not connected. Could it be possible that one incident like 1967, could factor into many decisions?. I have to force myself at times to be emotionally closer to my wife, children and grandchildren. I shouldn't have to force myself. Could the fear of abandonment. When my Kids left for Texas, with my ex-wife. I felt the same way. They abandoned me, they were children 10 and 12, I was the adult. I still have fear opening up a letter from my son Jeremy. Sometimes, I have my wife open it to be sure it dosen't say he never wants to see me again. This might not change things but, it explains some things. I think? I'm going to have to process this in my mind. Am I on the right track? Or, am I taking anothers problem and fitting it to myself. I'm confussing myself now. Talk Later, Don W
I have never given it much thought. However, MG in one of her replys to me mentioned that there were many pieces to the puzzle. I've alwys limited myself by thinking of my problems on as " Mental". I can now see how complex this can be. Sometimes I find a piece mixed in with others, making it hard to see. I can now remember back as a child of being abandoned. I felt family members that could have stepped in didn't. I can remember, our family doctor tring to help but, not family. While reading your posts I thought of the feeling of abandonment when I went into the service. It was 1967, I was 18 and afraid. Strangly as bad as my father had been I wanted him and my mother with me at the bus station. What happened, they didn't feel like getting up early so, my older brother took me. I can see it plain as day. Both he and I waiting at the Bus Stop, I think he wanted to hug me like I him. Neither one of us knew how to do it. Instead we both pretended we weren't that close so we wouldn't feel hurt. For years even though he was one to have abused me, I remained close to him. I'd always call him for help when drunk. I always told him that, having brought me to the bus meant so much to me. I still to this day feel uncomfortalbe letting people get close to me. What if I show emotion. This past week when my wife wouldn't go to my doctors appointment, I had that same feeling of abandonment. Like my parents she said, your a big boy you don't need me. I've had that feeling many times when close to someone but, never made the connection. I have the Heart Test, on Thursday, and she wants to know if I'd like her to be their. I lied and said she didn't have to. I guess my question is this. I've posted before about being able to identify with so many other issues people have, PTSD, DID, BIPOLAR etc. Could it be that someday they will find a connection? That all of these are a piece of the puzzle they have not connected. Could it be possible that one incident like 1967, could factor into many decisions?. I have to force myself at times to be emotionally closer to my wife, children and grandchildren. I shouldn't have to force myself. Could the fear of abandonment. When my Kids left for Texas, with my ex-wife. I felt the same way. They abandoned me, they were children 10 and 12, I was the adult. I still have fear opening up a letter from my son Jeremy. Sometimes, I have my wife open it to be sure it dosen't say he never wants to see me again. This might not change things but, it explains some things. I think? I'm going to have to process this in my mind. Am I on the right track? Or, am I taking anothers problem and fitting it to myself. I'm confussing myself now. Talk Later, Don W
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Don,
I've always found that it's a mystery until it isn't anymore. I did a lot of exploring and then something would connect and cause the pain to go away. The abandonment issue was my first encounter with this. I remember having so much emotional pain and tried everything to fix it. I finally ran out of options. Someone told me to just make the pain go away. I told the person that I can't make it go away. I told him I feel like a little girl and my parents don't want me. As soon as I said that the huge amount of emotional pain left me instantly. It was like 2000 pounds lifting right out of my chest. It was the connection that I needed to heal the pain.
Each time I did this there was a very small amount of emotional pain left and it would swell up huge and I'd find the connection and it would go away. I went through many of these and finally hit the last ball of pain and I was free of it. My experience is that we can feel huge pain over things that seem so small to us now as adults. They weren't small when we were children though. They were very important, very frightening, and very painful.
This is just my experience and men and woman might go through this process in different ways. Mine was very emotional. You may not feel the emotion, but may process it mentally without the fear and the pain that I felt. I'm not sure how it is for others. This is how it was for me.
Sometimes my behavior changed immediately also. I grew out of a lot of things that I previously needed because I was trying to get my emotional needs met from the past.
I think you are on the right track and I think you are exploring the possibilities. Relax and let it connect if you can. I know I dive in and want all the answers right now, but never could force anything to happen. It can be frustrating at times.
You are working hard on your recovery and that work will pay off. Try to find and enjoy blessings in each day also so they don't pass by without you knowing it.
Hugs,
MG
I've always found that it's a mystery until it isn't anymore. I did a lot of exploring and then something would connect and cause the pain to go away. The abandonment issue was my first encounter with this. I remember having so much emotional pain and tried everything to fix it. I finally ran out of options. Someone told me to just make the pain go away. I told the person that I can't make it go away. I told him I feel like a little girl and my parents don't want me. As soon as I said that the huge amount of emotional pain left me instantly. It was like 2000 pounds lifting right out of my chest. It was the connection that I needed to heal the pain.
Each time I did this there was a very small amount of emotional pain left and it would swell up huge and I'd find the connection and it would go away. I went through many of these and finally hit the last ball of pain and I was free of it. My experience is that we can feel huge pain over things that seem so small to us now as adults. They weren't small when we were children though. They were very important, very frightening, and very painful.
This is just my experience and men and woman might go through this process in different ways. Mine was very emotional. You may not feel the emotion, but may process it mentally without the fear and the pain that I felt. I'm not sure how it is for others. This is how it was for me.
Sometimes my behavior changed immediately also. I grew out of a lot of things that I previously needed because I was trying to get my emotional needs met from the past.
I think you are on the right track and I think you are exploring the possibilities. Relax and let it connect if you can. I know I dive in and want all the answers right now, but never could force anything to happen. It can be frustrating at times.
You are working hard on your recovery and that work will pay off. Try to find and enjoy blessings in each day also so they don't pass by without you knowing it.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Thanks MG, I am very grateful for the many blessing in my life. After reading your answer, I started to think, that maybe the event I spoke of was one of those false lessons I learned. Perceptions are such an important things in what we learn. Could have been my parents were tired and there were still 6 other kids at home. I don't think it was so much the event as my perception of the event maybe. I percieved that there was something wrong with me, that they wouldn't want to see me off. Maybe, they were glad I was going to be out of their life. Don't they know there is a war going on? The bottom line is, I don't really know what the reason was. Any conclussion I came to was using an assumption. Therefore, in this case, thinking back to your post about wrong lessons learned. I taught myself the wrong lesson using the wrong information. I now wonder if, some of these thoughts about myself were self- taught. Because of this we have difficulty at first because we are looking for other to reteach us. When in fact all we need is the new , CORRECT, information from others to reteach us. I'm surprised at how easy we can buy into a belief. I guess I have to be better at sifting through information before forming an opinion. I think we men have the emotion you speak of also. Just we were falsely taught to surpress it. This all makes me wonder more about the affects of, movies, TV etc. on our thoughts. Like John Wayne, for example. Here is a hero, that for years we watched carry a woman kicking and screaming up the stairs to the bedroom. I myself, used some of these lessons, in my behavior. Men were shown that if a woman resisted, just keep pressing and they'll change their mind. WOW, talk about food for thought. Your post are so thought provoking. Thanks, Don
Guest
Posts: n/a
You can see in this picture that there is one block holding up the whole structure on this jenga game.
Our issues are like that. We can have one issue and then we build on it. This is how we create the patterns. I would say that going to war without your parents seeing you off is a very painful experience. I think that it is one painful experience that is built on a core issue of abandonment (the bottom block). We end up with a huge pile of painful beliefs because of one very real problem in our childhood. The deep pain we feel is caused by the bottom block. We can slowly remove all the top blocks in the pattern and we will still feel the deep pain. If we pull out the bottom block the whole structure will fall down. When the pain connects to the core memory or core belief the block is removed. Then we can reteach ourselves and build on a new foundation.
Hugs
ConfusedForever
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Boston, MA GO SOX!
Posts: 5
What is healthy anyway?
The whole reason that I am trying to come to terms with my issues is a woman I was with for several months. After it ended, I dug pretty deep to find out what was wrong with ME! Of course...childhood issues. I have not seen nor spoken to my family in almost 15 years. But I was compelled to write a letter to my mother spelling out my reason for abandoning my family...self preservation. It was a lengthy letter that if anybody would like to read, I will be happy to forward it to them. The fact that I did it and released a great deal of pain, anger, dissapointment, etc. has helped me beyond words. The response that I recieved was typical of my childhood. "Ooops...I guess I did not have the tools to raise you and your sisters...sorry." That was the reply. Not that I even expected one, but the one I did get was pretty light. It makes me feel a lot better that I don't have anything to do with them. But it also has helped me look back on all of the addicted/avoidant relationships I have been in. As I have said before, I alternate between addict/avoidant. I truly understand where it started. But this last woman...she is just like I was/have been over the years and although I have no desire to help her without her asking, I really feel that on better footing we could have a strong relationship. She is the avoidant and after she broke things off for the third time in as many months, I did the typical things the addicts do, only not to such an extreme. I started to read books right after it happened, so it caught my addiction and I have been able to study myself in real time. We have been communicating via e-mail and plan on getting together for a drink soon. As much as I want to, I don't feel that "dating" her is a very good idea sinse she has not really dealt with her issues, but someday I hope she does. Is there a way to remain friendly with her and at some other point re-connecting romanticly, or is it not a great idea? Beside the fact that we both suffer from the same issues, I really enjoyed her company and chemistry. We had so much more in common than our respective childhoods. Her issues are as bad as mine...maybe worse. Her walls are a mile high, but every once in a awile, she would let them down and when she did talk, she would feel so much better, as do I when someone listens to me when I talk about how bad my childhood was.
Is there a way, in time to get her to talk about it with me or with someone else? Should I pass on the books I read, which were amazingly accurate in their discription of our relationship, and all of my past ones as well? I am several years older than her, not that that makes me any smarter, but it does help me a little bit in the fact that I can see a bit more clearly now having done this so often in the past. I know several of her friends and her patter of dating is like mine. Get them to like you (seduce), then end it because I don't think I am worthy of somebody that really likes me. For me, she was different and her friends tell me that I was different for her as well. We really liked each other. We never fought, it was just that something that makes if fail. To quote her, "there was just something that I could not put my finger on".
How does one create a safe place for someone else?
Or is this my addiction talking? I need to learn form this one, because I am tired of the pattern.
Is there a way, in time to get her to talk about it with me or with someone else? Should I pass on the books I read, which were amazingly accurate in their discription of our relationship, and all of my past ones as well? I am several years older than her, not that that makes me any smarter, but it does help me a little bit in the fact that I can see a bit more clearly now having done this so often in the past. I know several of her friends and her patter of dating is like mine. Get them to like you (seduce), then end it because I don't think I am worthy of somebody that really likes me. For me, she was different and her friends tell me that I was different for her as well. We really liked each other. We never fought, it was just that something that makes if fail. To quote her, "there was just something that I could not put my finger on".
How does one create a safe place for someone else?
Or is this my addiction talking? I need to learn form this one, because I am tired of the pattern.
Last edited by Confusedforever; 11-12-2004 at 02:12 PM. Reason: Good question!
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi CF,
One of the characteristics of love addiction includes a desire or need to rescue or fix the person we're addicted to. You empathize with your ex's issues and feel the need to try and help her turn her life around. But we can't fix or save anyone. You can't create a safe place for her. She has to come to the same realizations about her life that you have about your own, and has to find it within herself to make the necessary changes. Until that happens, your relationship will continue to be filled with drama, chaos, breaking up, getting back together, etc. Until one or both parties decide to get off the merry-go-round, it's a neverending cycle.
I think once we start to recognize our patterns and begin to understand why we choose or are drawn to certain people or relationships, we can start changing ourselves and attracting healthier people. But I'm learning that attracting healthy people is one thing but letting go of someone once you're involved with them is infinitely harder. It's so hard letting go of the hope that someone will change or get better, and a lot of us, myself definitely included, make decisions based on how we hope things will turn out, instead of the reality of how things are today.
She may never change. Are you willing to risk your sanity and well-being on something that may never happen?
Take care,
JG
One of the characteristics of love addiction includes a desire or need to rescue or fix the person we're addicted to. You empathize with your ex's issues and feel the need to try and help her turn her life around. But we can't fix or save anyone. You can't create a safe place for her. She has to come to the same realizations about her life that you have about your own, and has to find it within herself to make the necessary changes. Until that happens, your relationship will continue to be filled with drama, chaos, breaking up, getting back together, etc. Until one or both parties decide to get off the merry-go-round, it's a neverending cycle.
I think once we start to recognize our patterns and begin to understand why we choose or are drawn to certain people or relationships, we can start changing ourselves and attracting healthier people. But I'm learning that attracting healthy people is one thing but letting go of someone once you're involved with them is infinitely harder. It's so hard letting go of the hope that someone will change or get better, and a lot of us, myself definitely included, make decisions based on how we hope things will turn out, instead of the reality of how things are today.
She may never change. Are you willing to risk your sanity and well-being on something that may never happen?
Take care,
JG
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
I look at it like I don't try to change or fix anyone but myself, but I don't have a problem with spending time with someone who has issues. If I wait for a perfect person to spend time with, I will wait forever. I think it is ok to feel good about spending time you enjoy in someone's company who might need to be fixed without trying to fix them. Like Journeygal says, they have to fix themselves. If they ask for help, I think it is ok to help if you want. But I think it is most ok to just enjoy someone's conversation and company and not worry about if they have issues or not, as long as they pose no real threat to the body, mind or soul. Journeygal that is true -- we don't want to risk our sanity. You will have to decide how much you think having her in your life makes you happy -- and to what extent you want her in your life, and vice versa for her. It's a two way thing. But I think it is also insane to be afraid to deal with people who have issues. That is just my opinion. We all know I am no expert. LOL. My track record ain't so hot. But I appreciate the opportunity to listen, think and respond here.
Nancy
Nancy
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