New here & need to share
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: On the right path
Posts: 2
New here & need to share
Hello,
I just happened upon this site & it looks like a good place for me to be able to come and start my healing process. Just a little background info:
Never thought much about PTSD (pertaining to me), even tho' I've been in the mental health field for several years. The more I ponder about "What is wrong with me?", the more PTSD fits.
Short life story- I was born to teen parents, my father physically abused my mother, she left, I was granted custody to my father's parents, my father re-married, I went to live with him & the step-mother, she hated me (or so I thought the entire time I was growing up), my father molested me, I buried the sexual abuse, I got pregnant, had my 1st child & the memories of sexual abuse & the abandonment from my mother came flooding back. I continued to repress things & tried not to think about it. A few years ago, I started trying to talk about the abuse with a pastor friend of mine. I made a little progress, at least I had shared with another human being!
I eventually told my husband about the abuse. He is a recovering drug addict. When I told him (he had been sober for 6 years) and I honestly thought I could trust him to keep his mouth shut & let me deal with things in my own way, in my own time. Well, my husband has relapsed and for some strange reason, when he's high, he wants to talk about me being molested by my father. This week, after being gone on a business trip for several days, my brother called me & asked why my husband had been saying that our father molested me. Talk about being shocked! I first told him that I would have to talk to him about that later (he thought my husband was lying, trying to cause trouble). Then, almost immediately, I blurted out, "Yes, he did do things to me, I am tired of hiding it from everyone, I've been hiding it my whole life." Of course, then come the questions from my brother--"when, where, etc." I told him I would have to talk to him later. He hasn't called me since. My 1st reaction was ANGER! How could my husband betray me like that? Then I was relieved, that it was more out in the open. Now I am SCARED to have to face my father when he finds out that I've told. Why should I be the one that is scared? I did nothing wrong! I was a child! I know I am going to have to confront my dad, but have no clue as to how to go about doing that. Ever since the call from my brother, I have been having nightmares about my dad. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding out of my chest, and feeling like I need to throw up! Can someone please help me? I just need to talk! Thanks!
I just happened upon this site & it looks like a good place for me to be able to come and start my healing process. Just a little background info:
Never thought much about PTSD (pertaining to me), even tho' I've been in the mental health field for several years. The more I ponder about "What is wrong with me?", the more PTSD fits.
Short life story- I was born to teen parents, my father physically abused my mother, she left, I was granted custody to my father's parents, my father re-married, I went to live with him & the step-mother, she hated me (or so I thought the entire time I was growing up), my father molested me, I buried the sexual abuse, I got pregnant, had my 1st child & the memories of sexual abuse & the abandonment from my mother came flooding back. I continued to repress things & tried not to think about it. A few years ago, I started trying to talk about the abuse with a pastor friend of mine. I made a little progress, at least I had shared with another human being!
I eventually told my husband about the abuse. He is a recovering drug addict. When I told him (he had been sober for 6 years) and I honestly thought I could trust him to keep his mouth shut & let me deal with things in my own way, in my own time. Well, my husband has relapsed and for some strange reason, when he's high, he wants to talk about me being molested by my father. This week, after being gone on a business trip for several days, my brother called me & asked why my husband had been saying that our father molested me. Talk about being shocked! I first told him that I would have to talk to him about that later (he thought my husband was lying, trying to cause trouble). Then, almost immediately, I blurted out, "Yes, he did do things to me, I am tired of hiding it from everyone, I've been hiding it my whole life." Of course, then come the questions from my brother--"when, where, etc." I told him I would have to talk to him later. He hasn't called me since. My 1st reaction was ANGER! How could my husband betray me like that? Then I was relieved, that it was more out in the open. Now I am SCARED to have to face my father when he finds out that I've told. Why should I be the one that is scared? I did nothing wrong! I was a child! I know I am going to have to confront my dad, but have no clue as to how to go about doing that. Ever since the call from my brother, I have been having nightmares about my dad. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding out of my chest, and feeling like I need to throw up! Can someone please help me? I just need to talk! Thanks!
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I'm Listening
Good Day L2L,
I know what it's like to have those memories creep there way back in to your life.
About 6 months in to recovery, after 17 years of alcohol and drug use, they came back to me. Panic attacks, nightmares the whole bit. I was molested when I was about 8, by the man who ran our paper routes.
It took me a couple of years to be able to tell my wife. But, I found a friend that I could share it with, she had the same issue.And I let it out a bit at a time.
I also found a professional to start to unload it and deal with it. Because I couldn't run any more. From that, and all of the other things that I had been running from , that was my reason for drinking and using for years.
I know that pastors are good couselors, but, I Know that some times good intentions are not enough. What I mean is, for some, unless thay have lived and experienced that same type of struggle, they can not relate. I do mean this in a general way of course.
I guess my point is, find some one, or a couple of someones, to start to unload on, a bit at a time, that worked for me.
My couple of someones were a pastor, a friend in recovery, and a non alcoholic friend. All three of these, I could trust with my anonynmiity.
The most important thing that I learned, is that that person who molested me, can not hurt me anymore.
Hnag in there, I'll keep you in my prayers
I know what it's like to have those memories creep there way back in to your life.
About 6 months in to recovery, after 17 years of alcohol and drug use, they came back to me. Panic attacks, nightmares the whole bit. I was molested when I was about 8, by the man who ran our paper routes.
It took me a couple of years to be able to tell my wife. But, I found a friend that I could share it with, she had the same issue.And I let it out a bit at a time.
I also found a professional to start to unload it and deal with it. Because I couldn't run any more. From that, and all of the other things that I had been running from , that was my reason for drinking and using for years.
I know that pastors are good couselors, but, I Know that some times good intentions are not enough. What I mean is, for some, unless thay have lived and experienced that same type of struggle, they can not relate. I do mean this in a general way of course.
I guess my point is, find some one, or a couple of someones, to start to unload on, a bit at a time, that worked for me.
My couple of someones were a pastor, a friend in recovery, and a non alcoholic friend. All three of these, I could trust with my anonynmiity.
The most important thing that I learned, is that that person who molested me, can not hurt me anymore.
Hnag in there, I'll keep you in my prayers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: On the right path
Posts: 2
Thanks for replying Scott!
I know that my father cannot hurt me anymore. What I am most afraid of is my grandmother (his mother) finding out. She is the reason I kept it inside for so long. For as long as I can remember, she has prayed day & night for her children & grandchildren. I do not want to hurt her & I feel like revealing something like this at this stage in her life would hurt her tremendously. Several years ago my aunt (her daughter) told me that my grandpa had molested her when she was young. When she told my grandma, she didn't believe her. It makes me wonder if my grandpa also molested my father. That doesn't justify what my father did to me, but it would explain things a little better.
I'm just frustrated that this is all kind of being thrown at me & I'm not ready to face it. I hate the fact that someone else has dictated when I am going to face my father. I know I am running out of time & I don't really know how I want to confront him. I could write a letter, but we live in the same town & it wouldn't be long before I was face to face with him. Also, from my brother's silence I know that it will affect my relationship with him. It's just not fair that I'm the one having to carry all this! My dad should have to take responsibility for what he has done. But, I know HE will never bring it up, so I am going to have to.
Looking back on my life, I know that I have been trying to quiet those monsters inside of me by eating, or not eating. My weight is like a yo-yo! For a couple of years now, it's been mainly up. Which starts working on your self-esteem & it's just an ugly cycle!
Thank you for listening & replying to my post! I know everything happens for a reason & I'm glad I found this board!
I know that my father cannot hurt me anymore. What I am most afraid of is my grandmother (his mother) finding out. She is the reason I kept it inside for so long. For as long as I can remember, she has prayed day & night for her children & grandchildren. I do not want to hurt her & I feel like revealing something like this at this stage in her life would hurt her tremendously. Several years ago my aunt (her daughter) told me that my grandpa had molested her when she was young. When she told my grandma, she didn't believe her. It makes me wonder if my grandpa also molested my father. That doesn't justify what my father did to me, but it would explain things a little better.
I'm just frustrated that this is all kind of being thrown at me & I'm not ready to face it. I hate the fact that someone else has dictated when I am going to face my father. I know I am running out of time & I don't really know how I want to confront him. I could write a letter, but we live in the same town & it wouldn't be long before I was face to face with him. Also, from my brother's silence I know that it will affect my relationship with him. It's just not fair that I'm the one having to carry all this! My dad should have to take responsibility for what he has done. But, I know HE will never bring it up, so I am going to have to.
Looking back on my life, I know that I have been trying to quiet those monsters inside of me by eating, or not eating. My weight is like a yo-yo! For a couple of years now, it's been mainly up. Which starts working on your self-esteem & it's just an ugly cycle!
Thank you for listening & replying to my post! I know everything happens for a reason & I'm glad I found this board!
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Hi Learning2live,
I'm not sure where you are from, but there are very good sexual abuse counselors that are free of charge in my state. I would think things through carefully with the help of a trained counselor who has been through this with others. I think you'll need the extra support if you are going to speak to your father about this.
Scott's advice was good. Creating a circle of support is a good idea. This is a hard situation you're in. Don't try to go through this alone.
Hugs,
MG
I'm not sure where you are from, but there are very good sexual abuse counselors that are free of charge in my state. I would think things through carefully with the help of a trained counselor who has been through this with others. I think you'll need the extra support if you are going to speak to your father about this.
Scott's advice was good. Creating a circle of support is a good idea. This is a hard situation you're in. Don't try to go through this alone.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Canoga Park CA
Posts: 27
My father molested me when I was 9, 10 and 11. I never have even realistically thought about confronting him with that. You must me much stronger or much more recovered than am, L2L. Good luck.
I also know one of the biggest reasons that I will not tell him is my mother. She loves to think that we have this wonderful, loving family, and I know it will break her heart and maybe her sanity if she were to know. I'm not sure why, but I know she still loves my father very much, despite the years and years of untreated active alcoholism that my dad continues to wallow in.
In fact, I'm even scared that if I said anything about it to him, he'd deny it, or worse, not remember it-- and my mom would believe him.
I don't have any brothers or sisters, and I'm not close to any of my family. In fact, for many many years I hav tried to forget that I have a family. In recovery, I've started a realtionship with my mom, but its still fragile at that.
The only people I've ever told about this incest are my therapist, my sponser, my ex-boyfriend, and my current boyfriend. Oh, and one friend in recovery that i don't even see anymore.
Thank you for making me feel like it was okay to share it here.
I'm not even sure what to do about it, if anything at this point. I think it might be better to just let it go and try and heal from it while not runing anyone else's lives.
I also know one of the biggest reasons that I will not tell him is my mother. She loves to think that we have this wonderful, loving family, and I know it will break her heart and maybe her sanity if she were to know. I'm not sure why, but I know she still loves my father very much, despite the years and years of untreated active alcoholism that my dad continues to wallow in.
In fact, I'm even scared that if I said anything about it to him, he'd deny it, or worse, not remember it-- and my mom would believe him.
I don't have any brothers or sisters, and I'm not close to any of my family. In fact, for many many years I hav tried to forget that I have a family. In recovery, I've started a realtionship with my mom, but its still fragile at that.
The only people I've ever told about this incest are my therapist, my sponser, my ex-boyfriend, and my current boyfriend. Oh, and one friend in recovery that i don't even see anymore.
Thank you for making me feel like it was okay to share it here.
I'm not even sure what to do about it, if anything at this point. I think it might be better to just let it go and try and heal from it while not runing anyone else's lives.
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lavendae,
I was unable to confront my childhood rapest and I was able to heal and let it go. I've seen that the issues of confrontation usually occur when grandchildren are involved. Sometimes you just have to say something to protect your children.
Your goal has to be to protect and take care of yourself. Whatever it takes to do that is ok. You are probably right about your father not admitting or not remembering that this happened. If your mother is in denial she would probably quickly deny it and sweep it under the rug. This would probably just cause you to be revictimized all over again. My mother and family did this to me when I told them recently that I had been raped as a child. They just assumed that I decided that it never really happened and my memory was false. My sister put blame on me by saying she would have never been in the house to begin with and it was my fault.
I am sorry I ever said anything.
I think you are doing just fine and are handling your situation with great strength.
Hugs,
MG
I was unable to confront my childhood rapest and I was able to heal and let it go. I've seen that the issues of confrontation usually occur when grandchildren are involved. Sometimes you just have to say something to protect your children.
Your goal has to be to protect and take care of yourself. Whatever it takes to do that is ok. You are probably right about your father not admitting or not remembering that this happened. If your mother is in denial she would probably quickly deny it and sweep it under the rug. This would probably just cause you to be revictimized all over again. My mother and family did this to me when I told them recently that I had been raped as a child. They just assumed that I decided that it never really happened and my memory was false. My sister put blame on me by saying she would have never been in the house to begin with and it was my fault.
I am sorry I ever said anything.
I think you are doing just fine and are handling your situation with great strength.
Hugs,
MG
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