ScottC

This is, as you can see, my first post. I found this message board and registered because I need help.

I'm 31 and have been drinking heavily for about two years. I never really drank as a teenager or even as a college student. Drank socially with the occassional binge throughout my 20's, but it was never out of control. When I got separated and divorced 3 years ago, I started drinking more frequently, and it just progressed from there.

I don't tend to drink hard liquor...mainly just beer, with the occassional shot. But I have intense cravings and I can't stop once I start. I usually drink until I'm drunk. I occassionally drink enough to have black-out episodes and to throw-up. I get intense hangovers every time I drink, unless I let the buzz wear off completely before falling asleep. I call in sick to work and come in late to work on occassion due to drinking.

My wife and I are back together now, and our relationship is better than ever, and we have two beautiful daughters. But I can't stop drinking. I escape by going to the bar, eating wings, drinking beer, and playing trivia. But once I'm there, I can't stop drinking. I also smoke when I drink now, and I've never been a smoker.

I had a blood test done several months back and found out that I had high liver enzymes, apparently due to my heavy drinking. I stopped for two months because I was scared, and then when it was re-tested, it was better. So then I started drinking again.

I'm sick of being sick, I'm sick of upsetting my wife and making her worry about me, I'm sick of my four-year-old daughter asking me how many I've had, I'm sick of driving drunk, I'm sick of harming my body and my mind. I want to stop, but I can't. The urge to go is so overwhelming, and I always think I will be able to handle it this time, and I NEVER can. EVER.

I'm hungover today and feel terrible. I have immense guilt and anxiety. My stomach is in knots and I worry that my liver is bubbling with disease.

I'm sorry for the long, "woe-is-me" post, but I just really need some help/advice. I don't know what else to do. I'm utterly overwhelmed.

CarolD

Congratulations for seeking answers to your drinking.
Alcoholism is a disease and it is progressive.
I suggest you get more factual info

My favorite book on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"

Both can be ordered from Amazon...

Glad to see a new member...we do understand and you are not alone.


Blessings to you and your family..

ScottC

Thank you Carol. I'll look for those books. I think I may have seen one of them, actually, in the bookstore recently.

CarolD

Scott..I found the information in 'Under'
was the key for me to finally quit.

Especially the explanation of how my brain and liver
enzymes are affected when I drink.

I use AA as my recovery method
I could stop..as you did...but not stay stopped.
Have you considered going?

Take a read around here..ask questions..I
am so pleased to see you are here!..

ScottC

I'm very scared about going to an AA meeting. I think I would need to have a buzz just to have the courage to go inside!

I just purchased Beyond the Influence online....it defintely looks good. Thanks for suggesting it.

CarolD

I certainly was nervous to start AA!
"OMG..has it come to this"?

Well...yes! my way was not working anymore
the fun from drinking was gone.

And we have a thread in the AA Forum on AA meetings
and going when buzzed! Check it out please.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...toxicated.html

Here is a link to explain what happens at AA

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/F...A_Meeting.html

I admire your 'take action' attitude
It will be a big plus in your recovery!

Cathy31

Hi Scott and welcome!

I also felt very nervous before my first aa meeting... i was also 31 like you.

I am now 33, I'm sober and I am living a life which is pretty much anxiety and guilt free as a result of the amazing program of AA.

I would urge you to give it a try - you never have to feel like this again!

I hope you stick around and read the boards and find the hope that's here as well as in the meeting rooms of AA where you'll find love and compassion and fellowship - sobriety and spiritual growth!

Keep coming back!

Love
Cathy31
x

Don W

Hi Scott, Welcome to SR. I'm glad you are seeking answers. There are many support groups. However, I've been in your position and the best route was a detox/rehab program. Just a few days in detox didn't do it for me. Although, I've been in and out, I've had the most success after a program. They can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 30 days. I understand this is a big commitment but, I feel it falls under " to any length". Sometimes there is also more than just the alcohol. With myself, I had depression/PTDS from Vietnam and childhood abuse. Many times like you I'd get to a point I felt good but, only physically. Many times even to the point I'd sabotage my recovery, being so uncomfortable feeling good. Anyway, after sometime put together in a program I didn't better with support groups. You have to descover, like I've been learning, that you deserve to be happy and better. Learning more about myself in theraphy helped me learn new ways to cope with what was bothering me. In fact, for years I didn't know what was bothering me, i just thought i was no good. Again, welcome and keep at it. Don W

Lizrox

Hi Scott,

Welcome to the boards. My situation; I moved on from alcohol to pain pills.

I am 32. When I was 25; I got married and moved from New York to Florida the next day. I drank 24/7 untill I blacked out. It was an everyday thing for me. Two weeks later I entered detox. The dr's gave me Ativan for the withdrawal and I left the next day.

Three days went by. I didn't drink. I got bored; hubby was at work all day, no job; so I started drinking yet again. A month later I was in the same hospital.

I made a serious attempt after my last detox to stop drinking and it worked for over a year. I got a job; bought a house.

Then came yet ANOTHER relapse and ANOTHER hospitilization. I checked myself AMA and still drank.

I am not a drinker anymore. To tell you the truth; I can't even stand the taste anymore. I'm a pain pill addict.

You say you are sick of being sick. So am I. I totally surrender. For a whole year I would pop Ultram like it was candy. I neglected my husband, housework, my job.

You CAN stop. I have been off of Ultram for a week tommorrow and I feel so much better. My depression is lifting, I am a better mother to my 2 yr old and a better wife; and I'm not wasting money going to pain clinics getting pills from doctors.

Although I have a LONG, LONG road ahaead of me; I am very hopeful.

I will pray for you and I am here if you need me.

Remember; your 4 year old needs her daddy...

((((((((HUGS))))))))

ScottC

Thanks for the replies, folks. It's good to just read and try to learn. I appreciate the supportive words and prayers. I need all I can get!

Today is Day 2! Gotta start somewhere, right?

earlybird

WOW.........

You are me. I did the EXACT same thing. I went to a restaurants bar about 4 or 5 times a week. Sat there and drank 32 oz. beers and the occasional shot and played NTN Trivia all night long. I got to know ALL the regulars. We all knew eachother by our NTN Trivia "handles". Some didnt even know my real name. I felt safe there. Felt like "one of the gang". That was the vehicle my addition needed to progress tenfold. You know how to stop. You just cannot bring yourself to do it. Its scary. Its all you know now. What will you do? Where will you go to escape? Right? Thats the problem. You are still thinking with the addicts brain. Once you quit, and do whatever it takes,...you wont NEED to escape. You're thinking you are going to still need that escape. That will pass with time along with your urge to drink. You just have to take that first step. You say that your relationship with your wife is better than ever. But is it really? Look at the demons you are fighting inside yourself everyday. How can your relationship be as good as you are describing? Unless you arent sharing these demons with your wife. Bottling it up. You will lose your marriage, your home, your kids, your license, your car, your job....everything. That is unavoidable. It WILL happen. Tell your wife about your problem. Get it out in the open. It wont seem so shameful anymore. Others knowing usually provide the motivation one needs to seek help. Whatever you do, do not keeping feeding your addiction by secluding in some bar playing trivia. Because just as animals and people grow bigger and stronger by feeding,.......so does alcoholism.

Islandchild

Hi there and welcome! I am so glad you found this forum. You are young - it's not too late for you to get help and still live a long and wonderful life. I, like you, was terrified at the thought of going to AA. I am a teacher and was afraid someone I knew would see me. Hey - wait a minute - if someone I knew saw me, then chances are they had a problem with alcohol - just like me!! Here's another suggestion: look up AA in the phonebook and talk to someone who mans the phones. What do you have to lose?
Anyway, I am glad you are here. It sounds like you have a lovely family and care about them very much. You haven't lost them - yet. Get help - reach out. This is your life we're talking about!
God bless, and welcome!
Leslie

brigid

Hey Scott, how is it going? No problems if you haven't been able to stay sober this time you know ... it really did take me a bit before I did stop drinking. But I was in there praying to stop and really was understanding just how much I was going to loose if I didn't and I got to know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that I could not control alcohol at all. I started to understand that it was the first drink that was the problem and I had to not have that one. I was fine, just don't add alcohol and everything would eventually come good in my life. And yes it does get better over time.

Wishing you the best, strength and hope!!

love and peace,
Brigid

leviathon

Scott, sounds like you may be either hitting your bottom or coming darn close to hitting it. That is the first step. You have to have the realization that you want something more than drinking, even if it is only not drinking. You have listed many reasons not to drink:

The next thing is to have another realization, you need to do something about it by taking a step to find help. That has been partially taken by your coming here... you also need to talk to your wife and children about it and you need to look for help where you live... it may be AA or something else, but you need help.

Peace, Levi

earlybird

I know that first step is so very hard to take,...but, I PROMISE you,.....the positive feeling you get right after you take it is just as overwelming if not more than that urge to drink. That positive feeling rockets you into the motivation to keep going. Of course, this ONLY happens if you are truley ready to want to quit. It sounds to me like you most definitely are.

IMHomerSimpson

r u imhomersimpson(in disguise)?????? scottc when u got time check my posts from last page to 1st, kinda scarey as i am still the same 3-4 years later, thats it

doorknob

I'm not much different either. I've been off alcohol for 3 weeks, minus a two beer session two thirds of the way through. It's still hard, some days being harder than others.

Scott, are ya still around? I've started over hella times. Let us know how ya are. Maybe give it another shot, if you did drink.

Homer, good to see ya!

paulmh

Thanks Homer, I read back through some of your stuff. It reads just like my life too. You take care, ok?

Scott, I don't know what else to say, except go to AA. There you'll find people who have experienced the compulsions you have, and have found a way to live better lives.

Don S

SMART Recovery
http://www.smartrecovery.org

LifeRing Secular Recovery
http://www.unhooked.com

SOS - Secular Organisations for Sobriety
http://www.secularsobriety.org

hadanymexican

Go to meetings....find AA and then go everyday!
that is the first step and then just dun drink today......
david