collinsmi

A few years ago I went to a meeting in Santa Fe, New Mexico (a nice 5 hour road trip from the Springs). A woman shared that when she came into AA she couldn't seem to stop drinking. She was told "keep coming to meetings and keep drinking then, sooner or later you'll quit doing one or the other.". Sounded like a prescription for disaster to me, yet she finally did find the strength to quit drinking and had 18 years at that point.

brigid

You didn't let me down Evilivy, you came here and posted again, that is awesome!!! I doubt that you will find any alcoholic who didn't try to stop drinking and couldn't do it .... sort of part of the whole thing we have to go through. I was just thinking about that today, about all the times that I kept drinking regardless of the fact that I really wanted to be sober.

You'll get there, keep posting, reading ... don't stress ... just keep thinking about it all and in time you will work it out and how to get sober, it happens!!!

lots of love,
Brigid

T.O.chick

Evilivy - I think most if not ALL of us have had many false starts. I know *I* have.

But the important thing is that you've acknowledged to yourself and others that you DO NOT WANT TO DRINK ANYMORE. That's the important part, because now there's no turning back and lying to yourself to deny that there's a real problem.

Like Debs said, your next step is find a recovery program. Although this website is great, it probably won't be enough to get you through this. Personally, I needed all the help I could get: hospital addiction program, Antabuse, & lots of 'substitutes' for my addictive behaviour. Think of these boards as supplementary support.

You mentioned that you weren't religious, but you don't need to belong to any particular religion to attend AA. At my meetings, they replaced "God" with a higher power of your own choosing. But if that spiritual aspect still doesn't jive with you, there's always other programs out there. I'm attending my local hospital, and the doctors and social workers have been fantastic.

Hang in there. Remind yourself of the reasons for wanting to stop. Sure, it feels so much easier to give in to the demands of our addictions, but the constant emotional turmoil and guilt sure isn't easier.

Evilivy

YAY!!! I made it through last night! Did a LOT of pacing around, opening the fridge door to see if any beer had magically appeared. I feel like a scatterbrain! I also made it to the Library... Library cards are free!! I kept wanting to hand over my debit card, lol! Forgot the list of books people had recommended, so started with "The Wellness - Recovery Connection" by John Newport. While at the library I also picked up "the Mom Factor" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I read about 5 pages of each last night... I have ZERO attention span.
I won't be back on this board until Sunday or Monday. I am going to a family golf tournament out of the city and my folks don't have internet. Thank-you all again for listening. This place is exactly what I needed!!
Wish me luck!!! See you Monday!

degadar

Good luck E. and well done.

Have a good time, and don't forget to take your books with you!

D.

brigid

Congratulations on last night. Good luck!!!! Pacing is healthy!!! Attention spans get better!!!

love Brigid

debsjsu

Ya might want to try going to a recovery meeting .... It helps... At least then you might have some company pacing.... ya they do that sometimes... Love to ya Debs

Kellye C

This describes me. Hi Ivy, my name is Kellye and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. As I read your posts I remember back before I got sober and knowing I had a problem, knowing that everything I tried to do on my own didn't work to control it, and yet continuing to drink.

This weekend marks two years since I came to AA. I spent the entire 4th of July weekend in a black-out, passed out drunk. I came to on a Tuesday morning with my mom asking me if I was going to work. I didn't even know what day it was so needless to say i wasn't going anywhere. My mom really tore into me about my drinking and the effects it was having on my kids, my family, my health etc. She caught me at the right moment so I spent the day thinking about it and she took me to my first meeting that night. I don't remember much at all about the meeting but I do remember the feeling of relief that they didn't judge me and they understood me.

I managed to stay sober 4 days and then went to a bar to sing kareoke. I had no intention of drinking I just went to sing. Next thing I know there is a drink in front of me and I'm off to the races again. The next 30 days were marked by my going to meetings in the evening either with a bottle under the seat for afterwards or making sure that I got out in time to hit the liquor store on the way home.

I felt very guilty during that time and my drinking lessened. I went from a pint of bourbon a night to a 1/2 pint. AA was already ruining my drinking! After about a month of this, going to a meeting feeling like the world's biggest liar, I had occassion to go on an AA outing. Sitting out in the hot sun on the river playing cards, laughing, and feeling among friends I had a revelation. I was having my usual daily shakes and a voice in my head said "It's time to sh*t or get off the pot. If you're going to do this thing, then you need to go ahead and do it." So................ I stayed out there until it was time for the 6:30 meeting then I drove to the meeting. At the end of the meeting they pass out chips. I picked up another desire chip (which just indicates that you want to try to stay sober for 24 hrs) and set to it. The day was August 8, 2004 and so far I haven't had a drink since.

I remember well that I didn't want to quit drinking I DID want to control it. I couldn't imagine my life continuing the way it was and I couldn't imagine my life sober. I couldn't see 24 hours sober back then, soon it will be 2 years.

You have admitted you have a problem, you have expressed a desire to do something about it. That is huge! You may make some false starts but the important thing is to not give up. Don't throw in the towel, just get back up and keep trying. We all have been there in one way or another and we do understand.

I am so glad you are here seeking answers. It is not easy but it is SO worth it!

Hugs,
Kellye

Evilivy

Hi guys.. thanks for your support even thought I wasn't here to recieve it soon enough.

Special "Thanks" to KellyeD for sharing your story. It means SO MUCH right now. I can really relate to what your saying, especially this part:See, I want to be at 2 years, but can't even make day 2!! It seems impossible. I am just not understanding why I can't stop. It SHOULD be as easy as not doing it, but I always find a drink wherever I go.

I spent the last 11 days drinking. Why? I have no idea. I moved over my pile of books and didn't even look at them. The golf tournament was a bust. I got there Friday and started boozing it up with dear-ol-dad as soon as I was out of the car. Saturday the party continued with the "Family Golf Tournament" and the whole family was on the golf course by 10am with bottles in tow... by 12 noon I was so looped I couldn't finish the 9th hole. This literally continued until I ran out of money, 11 days later. UGH!!! I'm SO disappointed with myself!!

I almost didn't come back to this forum. But I did and saw everyone else struggling and I feel more at home here than anywhere else right now. You guys are like my blanket, and make me feel warm and accepted.

THANK YOU ALL! I really appreciate the freindship and advice!!!

~EvilIvy

CarolD

Welcome back...are you still planning for sobriety?

debsjsu

Have you found any meetings in your area yet?? when you do, go a little early and talk to some people before the meeting, they will be really glad to see you, they are usually very friendly to newcommers so let them know you are new and they will start telling you all about their group and making you feel special from the start...... The sooner you get started the sooner you will feel better..... Love to ya Debs

Cathy31

E

I can so relate to your post.

I felt so similar so often.

AA was the solution for me.

My life is truly wonderful and blessed and sober today. Thanks to the prgram of AA.

You do not have to be religious whatsoever. You will be welcomed with open arms.

I hope that you give it a try. It's a miracle and a life-saver.

Welcome!!!!

Cathy31
x

Evilivy

Sure am!! I WANT to be sober... I am struggling with the reality of it all. Why can't I not drink? I can easily say I'm never gonna do it again, but I find I go back so easily.

A meeting sounds too crazy... I get anxiety just thinking about it. I just want this to work itself out, ya know?

CarolD

I did not quit until I found out WHY
I was not able to stop when I wanted to.

I have a chemical imbalance in my liver and brain

This was clearly explained in "Under The Inflence"

Then I resumed AA a and learned how to enjoy sobriety.

I hope you find your answers...Sobriety rocks!

Peter

I did not know how to live without alcohol either.

I drank for 20 years and I was a mean drunk too.

However in those final days of drinking the thought of never drinking again did not fill me with sadness. It was more a sense of awe and terror.

I KNEW I had to quit. I KNEW alcohol was going to kill me. I just did not know how to live my life without it.

I was told AA could help me.

I sat in meetings and listened to stories of people sober 1 yr, 5 yrs, 10 yrs.

I was amazed that people had found a way to live sober.

They offered me help and friendship but still I was afraid.It was as if they were asking me to jump from a speeding train and they would catch me.

I believed them but I did not know if I could trust them.

I was left with two options:Continue drinking and die or Put my trust in AA, face the pain and live.

There is life after alcohol.Learn to trust and believe it when you hear others say it is true.

Congratulations on your 1 st Step.

NYCGirl

No, not crazy at all, I'll be 45 soon been drinking for 30 years I always new it would eventually come to this, but I never wanted to have to say I can never have another. So I faked it real good for a long time, or atleast a I thought I did.

You are doing the right thing, there comes a time time when all of us drunks must hand over the bottle.

We've all probaly said that more that one hundred times. that the difference between those that can drink and those that can't. Those that can stop can drink, I guess that just the way it goes. Persoannly i think I got the raw end of the deal.

I'm pretty new at this myself had a slip 12 days ago or I would have had 30 sober days today.

You've come to a good place some stuff will work for you some won't, just keep reading.

And... try that book CarolD recomends, I finally get why I can't have just a few.

Kellye C

I'm glad you're still here and that you still want to do this.

For me, I had to reach a lowpoint where I realized that everything I had tried to do to control my drinking had failed and that I was powerless over alcohol and that I was quickly killing myself before I would reach out for help.

Don't beat yourself up, dust yourself off and keep trying. You might want to try writing out your drinking career detailing the bad things that have happened as a result of your drinking, people hurt, things lost, how you felt physically after drinking, past attempts to control it and what the results were. This gives you something concrete to look at when you are hanging on by a thread wanting a drink. You can read this and know that you do not have to continue like that if you don't choose to.

Also, make a list of what you would like to accomplish in sobriety. This gives you something to work TOWARDS!!!

Finally, 24 hours sober was overwhelming to me at first, I just couldn't conceive it so I had to break it into small chunks like 1 hr, 30min, sometimes 5 minutes and I kept myself busy whether it was phoning AA members, reading, going to meetings, cooking, spending time with my kids, anything to not be alone because I would hide to drink and didn't trust myself to be alone and not want to drink.

I know you say you're scared to go to AA but there is really nothing to be scared of. Think of it as a live version of SR LOL! You don't have to say a word if you don't want to. I know I certainly didn't go skipping into my first meeting but I knew I needed help. The main thing (and about the only thing) that I remember at that meeting was being told to "keep coming back". I did and after just a couple of meetings I already had people who would talk to me and ask me how I was. Even after I slipped and drank for almost a month, for that 30 days that is the only thing I did right, I kept coming back!

Hugs,
Kellye