Evilivy

This is my first step to becoming sober... no more beer... the thought makes me cry... isn't that crazy???

I'm sure my boyfriend of 4 years sure hopes last night really was "the last time"... I'm a drunken mess he has to clean up at night... real nice... "I was only going for a couple", famous last words, right?

I haven't told him I'm stuggling to get into AA... it's my fear of not quitting... I don't want to quit, I have to quit. Why is this SO hard???? I'm having a hard time even writing this message about it.

I've drank full-time for 21 years now. Not a nice drunk either... I get mean... yes how lovely. And why don't I want to quit? Because no matter what this damn bottle will be by my side, comfort me and console me. What about my boyfriend? Why hasn't he MADE me quit... why doesn't he leave this drunken mess???

Sorry, I'm just confused... I keep doubting myself... I really don't know how to live without alcohol. I can't believe I'm saying that, but it feels so true.

Thanks for listening.

fritolay

There is a tendency among drinkers to isolate themselves from the people who make us look inward, the people who make us feel guilty about drinking. You might want your boyfriend to leave you for two reasons: 1) to kick you a kick in the ass to get sober and/or 2) so that you can continue to drink alone, without any guilt. Even hardcore drunks will avoid showing up to certain events or places drunk, like funerals or family get togethers, or job interviews. If we were so content with drinking, and proud of it, we wouldn't be embarassed at all about going everywhere drunk. The truth is, there is only one legitimate place to be drunk--home alone, in your own bed, where nobody else is affected. That might be why you are in turmoil about your boyfriend sticking with you.

You said the bottle will always be by your side to comfort you. Might I point out that you have to purchase those bottles, so they don't come cheap. Further, you could replace the bottle with any other inanimate object and it would do the same thing: A teddy bear, a pizza, a bottle of orange soda, etc. I'm not suggesting you substitute your comfort with those things, because it would look silly toting around a teddy bear at your age, however I am suggesting that your need for comfort and security and control is the driving force behind your addiction. Just as you seek control by drinking, you can exercise control by not drinking. The fear of where that will leave you is normal, sometimes too much to overcome.

As a very first step, have you considered making plans, setting goals, and writing out a schedule of things you want to get done in the next week? Exercise 5 days a week, attend 2 public outtings with your boyfriend, fix up something around the house, etc. If you make sure you days are full, just for this week, I assure you that excess alcohol won't fit into your schedule. At the end of the week, you'll have accomplished things, enjoyed yourself, and either stopped or drastically reduced your alcohol intake to boot. At that point, you would realize you do have control over things and it doesn't take booze to do it. You might then be motivated to enter a recovery program, or stop abusing alcohol on your own.

eire rose

Hi Evilivy,

I felt the same way, no alcohol?? How can I not drink?

I didn't want to quit drinking either, I wasn't convinced that alcohol was my problem, I figured it was relationships that were the problem. Anyway, drink wasn't working anymore, it wasn't numbing the pain as well as it used to and my mind was still racing when I drank, i wanted to kill myself and I still didn't want to stop drinking????

I got into AA and realized that drink was very much my problem, my life has turned around now, no more hangovers, I feel healthy everyday, I can actually think straight and I am not ashamed about what I did or said last night.

It helped me to just not drink today, just for today I will not drink, thats what I say to myself everyday I need to.

You can do this, don' t be scared to check out aa, life is so much better and fulfilling sober.

"Why hasn't he MADE me quit.."

He can't make you quit, only you can do that, do it for yourself.

Love Rose

aasharon90

Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

Thanks evilivy for sharing where u r today.

Taking the first step is all u have to do right now. Having the DESIRE to stop drinking.

The FIRST STEP of the 12 Steps states:

ADMITTED I WAS POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE.

Say that to urself a number of times. Is it true?

It was for me.

I tried to quit drinking many many times with no luck. I was completely POWERLESS. My way, My Will to try to stop on my own NEVER WORKED. Just like thousands of others in recovery today. So believe me if i say you are not alone.


I can certainly understand what u have held on for so long has finally turned on u and is no longer UR FRIEND, and now u have to let it go. What will u do now with ur life? You will LEARN how to replace drinking with something so much better and rewarding.

It took u years of drinking and now it doesnt work anymore for u. Learning not to drink wont happen over night. It will take time if U ARE WILLING to go to any lengths to do so.

Your life may seem like its over right now, but its not. When u set down ur last drink then u are beginning a new life.

Take time to read the post here and follow suggestions from those that have been sober for awhile. Thats what i did. I first got sober after my family did an intervention on me when i couldnt help myself any longer. They did for me what i couldnt do for myself.

I was sent to rehab in the back of a police car by a court order. I spent 28 days there recieving the tools and knowledge of recovery of how to stay sober one day at a time. To learn how to incorporate the 12 steps in my everyday life.

Today, 15 yrs later, i continue to share my experiences, strengths and hopes with others in hopes to help them stay sober one day at a time. That is my sole purpose in life today which is helping me stay sober like countless others here in AA.

I hope u stay here reading and sharing with me and others.

Thanks for letting me share.

degadar

Hi Evilivy.

Forget what your brain is telling you - it's lying - that's the way it works. Your rational thinking head tells you to stop and that voice tells you it's not going to be possible to stop.

There are hundreds, thousands, probably millions of us who have felt the way you probably feel now and pulled through - got sober - stayed sober and changed their lives forever. Come and join us.

There are loads of ways people go about the journey - some go with the AA, some go it alone, some stick around places like this and learn and read and grow. Please pick one - or two, or three and let us help you to fix the problem.

Being sober is the best feeling you'll ever have.

May the force be with you Evilivy.

Deg

Evilivy

Thank you all so much for your responses... I quote
"I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE"
This is true... unbelievably true... it breaks my heart to have no control, I feel so ashamed.

I will keep coming here. Just reading what other people are going through helps me relate and see I can do it.

I'm not religious... can I still go to AA? It's not that I don't believe there is a "higher power" out there... I dont' know what I belive actually.

Sorry, this is SO emotionally challenging... I WANT to quit, I see how I hurt people everyday and I need to stop it.

degadar

Good for you E. It's not as hard as you might think. I didn't go to the AA - religion makes me go all wobbly, so I went it alone, Give it a go. If you don't like it - then stop. There are loads of alternatives - try them all LOL!

You can do it, and you WILL get to the place where you don't want a drink, and you don't even think about drink. The first jobby is to get yourself a plan, a cup of coffee or tea, and sit down with a pencil and some paper and start planning your journey.

You'll need strategy, you'll need a destination, you'll need supplies, and you may even need to go to the doctors first and get a few checks done. But it's so exciting is planning for a great journey - and while you're at it write down all the things you'll be able to do while you're there at your destination.

Books - you'll need books to read! nearly forgot that - and a travelling companion, they're nice to have too.

Write it all down and get started tonight. If you can get around the house and start emptying the cupboards of anything alcoholic ... that always helps.

Make us proud Evilivy.

Deg.

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

Congratulations for seeking answers to your drinking.

Alcoholism is a disease and it is progressive.
I suggest you get more factual info

My favorite book on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"

Both can be ordered from Amazon...

You do not need to be religious for AA

We do understand and you are not alone.

Evilivy

Books... of course! I haven't read for years. I will go get the "Under The Influence" as suggested by CarolD from the library tommorow.

Really, thank you all for taking time out of your day to send me all these encouraging words. *tears falling* My mind is all over the place. Wait, no it's in one place, I need to move it to another.

Well, as advised by degadar, I've got some planning to do, take care and see you soon!! I will keep you all posted.

Thanks again.

markofevil

You don't have to be religious, but it will help if you try to keep an open mind about spirituality. Just look around the table at an AA meeting and see someone you want to emulate, and try to do what that person does. More often than not that will involve prayer.

It's been very difficult for me to pray, but now that I do it daily I think it really does help me. It makes me calm and reminds me of what I'm praying for. It's become an important part of staying sober.

c'est la vie

Hello and welcome to your first step towards a better life.

It's a huge step and one of the hardest so congratulations on recognizing your drinking was a problem. Frito has made a very good suggestion of simply refocusing your daily life so as to not emphasize drinking. Give it a sincere try for several weeks, if it feels comfortable then great. If the urge is nearly killing you (as it was me) then you may want to consider getting outside help.

Autumn

Hey there Ivy! Welcome to SR!



So booze made ya evil, huh? Well, you're no longer alone. Oh, those memories of kicking and screaming in the middle of the street, lol..... I can't believe I'm even talking about it. Yes, our behavior could be downright embarrassing. It gets worse the longer we go on, too. Not especially charming. My SO hasn't offered me a drop since I surrendered. He wasn't an innocent victim when I was on a drunken warpath either.
I'm glad you decided to quit, and hope you decide to stick it out. There's lots of great info here..... browse around.

Btw, I LOVE your avatar! Cool dog.

BSPGirl

Hmm you could also try to pick up ... Just to compare things.

I'ma copy paste SMART's recommended book list:

Alcohol: How to Give it Up and Be Glad You Did, A Sensible Approach* - Philip Tate, Ph.D. (See Sharp Press 1997)

Sex, Drugs, Gambling, & Chocolate: A Workbook for Overcoming Addictions* - A Thomas Horvath, Ph.D. (Impact Publishers, Inc. - 1998

The Small Book - Jack Trimpey, LCSW (Delacorte Press, New York, NY - 1992)

When AA Doesn’t Work for You: Rational Steps to Quitting Alcohol - Albert Ellis, Ph.D. & Emmett Velten, Ph.D. (Barricade Books, Inc.Fort Lee, NJ - 1992)

There are more titles on the list but yeah...you get the idea. And yes I did read parts of The Big Book, you can't judge anything without reading it, after all.

brigid

Welcome to SR!!!!!! It is a great step just to come on here and say how you feel about alcohol and admitting there is a problem. I started to work out that I needed to stop adding alcohol to this little body of mine as soon as I admitted that I could not control it. There is a select group of fantastic individuals in this world who really cannot handle alcohol and need to just not drink it at all, and I am one of those people. What I did when alcohol was affecting me was and is so different to what I do when I don't have any alcohol. Bad chemical for me, does not agree with me at all.

Stay and read and post,
lots of love,
Brigid

degadar

How's it going Evilivy?

D.

Evilivy

Hi.
Sorry... guess where I've been. Not anywhere good..... The Legion, my watering hole, where "my friends" (you know, the bartender, the waitress, the 85 year old men that buy me drinks...???) are. What happened??? Ugh, I didn't even make 24 hours you guys.... F***!!! You know I didn't even remember I quit drinking until I got home!!! How mess up is that? Then I proceeded to smash my keyboard after seeing someone send me a personal message... I feel SO bad, I'm so sorry, I can't believe I let you all down. I SAID I wasn't going to drink again... again...
Now what? NOW WHAT? I gotta reset my sober birthday.

leviathon

congrats on your decision not to drink. I think you owe it to yourself and everyone around you, given how you described yourself when drinking, to not drink.

Besides, life is so much better when you wake up happy!

Peace, Levi

debsjsu

You didn't let us down babe you just prolonged your own pain... Sure we would LOVE to see you get sober, but when you go back out the one who "feels" the real pain from that is you.....You have actually made the first step that you have to make before entering a recovery program and that is identifying that you do have a problem with alcohol. The next step is finding a recovery program in your area that you can attend.. So get to it girlfriend, find out what is avaliable in your area... make the phone calls... get a meeting schedule... be there for the NEXT meeting.... I would suggest to begin with the one closest to your home ( for convience purposes given gas prices these days) If you don't "fit" there check out what ever else is avaliable.... Hook up with some WOMEN in the group get some phone numbers, find other people in recovery ( that are sober) that you can call and talk to... Get to work doing these things... TODAY....... Love to you Debs

CarolD

I restarted my sober dates countless times!
Just keep trying..

fraankie

well, you are in the right place
lots of good rsvp's to your post

to paraphase
"a journey of a million sober days
begins with the first day"


best
fraankie