debsjsu

OK here goes.. My brother had spent 2 days of missed work at the Dept of Public Safety 1 and 1/2 hrs drive from our home to have his lic. reinstated. His friend went with him the first day. I had to go with him the 2nd day. It's like hearding cows at that place you take a # and wait. All day you don't leave to eat lunch b/c you might miss being called and they don't call the #'s in order so you never know when you will be next!! They finally called him. He took his written test. 5 min. before he was done they closed the road test b/c they had too many people. He had already paid for everything. He was told to go back home and take the road test in the county that he lived in. ( they don't do reinstatement in our county thats why we had to go 1 1/2 hrs away but they can do the road test in our county). Off we go back home for him to take his road test. We arrive at the Dept of public Safety in our county, The lady Trooper did all the necessary paper work and made his picture. She ask me for tag reciept and proof of ins. ( my ins card was an old one, I had my husband fax a new one to us, took about 4 minutes, I called him on my cell and he faxed it imediately he keeps it in his wallet and he has a fax machine at his shop) She had said if it didn't get there within 10 min then she couldn't do the test. Before she even finished her sentence it was off the fax machine. She said no problem. She then told us to go outside and pull my truck up to the marked parking spot. She told me twice that my brother could NOT pull the truck up by himself as he was not yet a lic. driver. I had to be in the truck with him. We did as we were told. There was a man in the office with her sitting across from her desk that she had introduced as her Boss. When we got outside my brother stated that her and the Boss had something going on. He could tell by the way she had acted. I either wasn't interested or just didn't care, but I hadn't noticed. Anyway, there was no one else in the office. We sat in that space waiting for her for over an hour. My child had to be picked up from day care by 5:15, it was 4:38, I don't know how long a driving test takes but I go back in the building and she was just standing there talking to this man. I ask her if we were going to be able to go soon as my child had to be picked up from daycare when they closed or they would call DHR. Her response to me was word for word " You just need to be grateful that Im even doing this for you and get back out there and wait" I responded, ( out of character for me ) Thank you, and went back out side and got back in the truck with my brother. I called someone else to pick up my child as they were not on the pick up list I also had to call day care and explain my situation to the director ad get it cleared for them to pick up my child. I didn't know if that was going to work or not but it did. About 30 min. later The Trooper Lady finally comes out and imediately begins screaming at me for being in the truck with my brother. She states What are you doing in that truck get out of there, you don't think you are going with us do you. She dosn't even gige me a chance to respond. I reach for my purse and I am getting out of the truck. ( there are no chairs outside to sit in). She runs up to the truck throws my brothers permit at him and says you can come back tomorrow. I don't have time to do you today. Well that did it. Now Im pissed. Not only has my brother already missed 2 days of work that he can't afford, but she now thinks she can treat us this way and get by with it. Here goes Debbie. I said woe woe woe. You said you would give him his driving test today. You already know he can't come back tomorrow. ( we had trival conversation with her while she was filling out the paper work she knew my brothers situation, He is a Construction Supervisor when he dosn't work his crew of 16 men don't work). She then said we close at 3:30, I said we were here before 3:30, you should have told us at 3:30 that you were closing instead of making us sit out here and wait on you. Or you could have just came out here and done your job. She then told me that she didn't have to tollerate my attitude and she ordered me off the primisis or she was going to have me arrested. I told her to go ahead b/c I think it would make great headlines in the local paper. I think the public should know how our Public Service Officers are treating people. I then looked at the man she had introduced as her Boss and asked him if he felt that I had been agressive, rude, or any of the other things she had accused me of. Before he could answer she ordered him inside the building. I said I thought he was your Boss she said he is but not here. Then Debbies real attitude showed I said O' so you are used to ordering people around and getting your way, well it wont work with me, you don't know who you are screwing with. And I left. I have talked to my Sponsor about this for a long time and my sponsor keeps telling me to look for my part. HELP ME PLEASE I am not cured. DO NOT PET ME ... IF YOU LOVE ME DON"T SPARE MY FEELINGS BE HONEST WITH ME. I am searching my heart and right now I see my self as taking up for my self and not being a doormat. I did not curse this woman and she still has all her hair that is progress for me. I need to grow and that means I have to HONESTLY look at myself or at least be willing to so you guys tell me what you see. I have to leave now to go to the dentist but I will read your post when I get back ...... Love Debs

here somewhere

Your powers of restraint are amazing. I think I would have done something really stupid and regretful. Good for you!

best

WOW!

Hope I never wrong you in any way *LOL*

That took some courage. I think you were perfectly in your rights to do as you did BUT... rights exercised don't always get us what we want, well in this case neither would not exercising them. I would not go back to her for the lic though. The one bridge I think you burned was that of her ever giving your brother a lic, even if he did everything to perfection. We can't control the misbehavior of others and when waiting in line for something, there are times we would do better being humble...even when our rights are trampled on.
Still though I do like how you stood up for what is proper.

Peter

How you managed to hold your peace so long is a mystery to me.I lost it after an hours wait in the truck.

You did nothing wrong except stand up for yourself and your brother and that woman and her friend is lucky if you do not file an official complaint.

If it is any consolation to you I know what it feels like to be victimized by beauracracy.

fredbear

I think you handled the situation very well. Public servants should not be able to treat those who pay their salaries with such disregard. If I had been through what you had experienced, I would probably make the effort to report the incident to her superiors and see to it that she was punished. The local newspaper might also be interested in the story.

Maybe I'm vindictive, but I rationalize that by believing that my efforts in matters such as this may help someone else down the road.

Continued success,

Fred Bear

ASH

Hi Deb,
I am with you in being so tired of having to kiss up and be "over polite" to have people do their jobs, espically when they know you have no other option. Hellooooo, it is not like we can take our business elsewhere.

This is so like my story on many occasions. Taking my brother somewhere to clear up something and having to deal with people like "HER" who I avoid like the plague by doing all such transactions by mail.

Anyway, in every situation we can always look at a way we could have done better or put differently what part do I own. I guess the difference is with the latter you are taking blame where with the former seems more focused on improving behavior to better meet goals.
In any event it is hard to look for what you own in this since you are clearly the injured party but you might look at:

1. Talking to her in the first place.
This was your brothers problem and if he can run a crew of 16 he can step up and talk for himself and arrange what is necessary to get his licence back. It was a great favor for you to drive him there in the first place. I did this over and over with my brother because I was his "Big Sister" and I was smarter and I could talk better and bla bla bla.
Whatever reason I was doing it, I shouldnt.

2. Getting angry. In this situation it was almost IMPOSSIBLE not to. However, I know when I get angry the other person wins. I start loosing foucs of my goal and running my mouth. Also when I get angry my recovery time is huge, it will eat me for days. It also gets me drunk. I work at realizing it is what it is, she was who she was, and anger was not going to get me anywhere.

3. Holding on to any anger or resentment, (if you are), and wanting some sort of revenge. I could dream of revenge scenarios for hours!

I do think you were justified in telling her she was not performing her job to any kink of acceptable standard. I would have asked for here badge #, and for her direct supervisors name and for his/her superviosors name, and then written a letter. The writing used to help me move the incident off my mental plate and in reality if we just cuss the direct person out nothing will ever change. I hope you find the time to write or call about this if you think it would help you.

In any event hats off to you for holding your temper so long and good luck to your brother,
sometimes ya just gotta think it doesnt have to be this hard does it????

PS: All the above sounds great but I still get mad
but not as often as I used to.....

CarolD

I would be writing letters to the local newspaper
my Congressman the State Police Commander
and the head of Dept of Public Safety.

After he gets his license back!

Don S

You are describing what people in REBT call Low Frustration Tolerance. LFT is our inability to remain calm in the face of the petty annoyances, irritating events and people, setbacks and obstacles that we face on a day-to-day basis. These are known triggers, and our attitudes and beliefs about them can lead to unhealthy behavior. The phrase "drive us to drink" comes to mind.

Sometimes events or the behavior of others can be unarguably difficult. We may be attracted to drugs or alcohol because they help escape, mentally or physically, these difficult circumstances. We can't change the facts, but we can change how we react to them. The simplest principle to begin with is that we can change our beliefs.

1. Change your vocabulary. Especially avoiding the tendency to label events as "bad" can make a big difference. Be more realistic: describe the events more precisely. Something can be difficult, hard to deal with, frustrating, challenging, painful, distressing. Or use humor to describe the events: it's the pits, the sh*ts, etc.

2. Get a reality check. Recognize that your perception of the situation may be based on your beliefs and emotions, rather than on the facts of the case. In other words, some of your beliefs may be irrational. It can be very difficult to step outside your own head and look at the situation objectively. Seeking the perspective of others can provide a reality check. That's what we're here for.
You were frustrated because you had other things to do, and her attitude was unprofessional. I wonder what she's saying about the situation? You are describing a situation at which an outside observer might find fault with both parties, for tone of voice, attitude, and possibly even poor choice of language.

3. Compartmentalize the problem. "I am overwhelmed by my mother's illness" can be harder to deal with than "Finding nursing care is expensive and tedious." A big problem can often be viewed as a series of smaller, more tractable problems.
You actually described more than one frustrating situation: your brother's loss of work for a couple of days, your child care situation, the frustrating clerk, etc. You may be adding them all up into 'what a BAD day' and it's easy to move from that to 'I deserve/need a drink after a day like that.'


4. Avoid "awfulizing." Avoid overstating the severity of the situation ("awfulizing"). Dwelling on it is less productive than
a) working on a road map out of the quagmire ('what exactly can I do now about this?'), or
b) working to develop a healthier attitude about things we can't change. Which leads to….

5. Accept reality. Recognize and accept what you can't change. Look outside that seemingly overwhelming situation at the things that are working. What went right that day? Was your kid happy to see you when you picked him/her up? Is the weather nice there today?

6. Find a diversion. Filling your time with activities that take your mind off the frustrating situation can be the first step towards accepting it. I'm not saying you should avoid the problems--avoid the triggers. Frustration and anger are not useful emotions. As soon as you recognize them, it is helpful to direct your mind elsewhere.

7. Smile even when it hurts. Cultivate your sense of humor. This is really a way of deflecting discouraging emotions. Consciously seek out things that make you smile, or better yet, laugh out loud. There really can be humor in almost everything. Her attitude is her problem. Don't make it yours. She was being silly.

An urge to drink is often a flag that there is some other underlying situation that requires looking into. We usually drank as a response to stress over a situation. What is that situation and how can we deal more effectively with the situation, instead of just dealing with the stress?" That last part is important: "instead of just dealing with the stress."

Remember--remind yourself consciously, daily, out loud--that nothing which is frustrating or difficult or sad will be made better by drinking. Nor, in spite of our belief, will drinking make it more bearable. Drinking increases depression, exacerbates anxiety, and delays positive action.

If you're still angry, there's nothing wrong with reporting her to her supervisor. If you think that would do any good, or at the very least make you feel better.
Don S

Music

Whether you were right or wrong has nothing to do with it. I wasn't there so I'm not choosing sides. Have you done what your sponsor suggested? If not, get busy. She's telling you to do an inventory on your behavior and the part you played in the way you feel. If you drink over this, nothing of what anyone says here will make any difference. Do you want to be sober, or right?

debsjsu

Gosh Guys Thanks sooo very much I have read what everyone said and I loved everything I read. Here is where I am right now. It rained today ( My God works in mysterious ways) so my brother couldn't work anyway. His girlfriend is a bailbondsman ha ha, anyway she went with him this am to take his drivers test. The same lady was there. Even though we had told her 3 different times, plus she knew my husband faxed the ins. info. she ask him where his wife was ( refering to me). He told her I wasn't his wife I was his sister. Anyway he did get his lic. today, in my truck! Thats just too funny to me!!! I e-mailed the Ala Dept of Public Safety to ask who I need to contact to file a complaint at about 7:30 am but they didn't e-mail me back. I guess I will call tomorrow. I know her name she didn't have a badge #. I am not angry any more. I am actually very grateful that I didn't react like I use to. I attacked a lady in the food stamp office one time b/c she wouldn't give a friend of mine with 4 kids emergency stamps they had nothing to eat her hubby had left her with nothing but kids and they were going to make her wait 2 weeks for emergency stamps. I pulled the ladys hair out in clumps and choked her. My friend got her stamps that day. Im not saying that was good behavior, but it worked for me then. I am just really grateful I don't loose my temper and do things like that anymore. I don't want to be that person anymore. I really got a blessing yesterday, I havent been that mad in a very long time. I don't really think that I would have been able to stop my self from destructive behavior if I was still that old me. I didn't want to cuss her, I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't realize that until today. But I really don't want to hurt her, That is so very awesome for me. The old me would be planning how to kill her even now...I am actually so very happy that it happened. I know it sounds crazy.. Then again yes I am codependant when it comes to me brother. I am 4 yrs older than him. Our parents were drunks and Ive been taking care of him all our lives, except for the last year. The only reason I took him to get his lic. was b/c I was told to. I normally don't do anything for him anymore. I love him and sometimes he goes to church with us. I have custody of his daughter, but he is not allowed to leave my house with her b/c he still drinks. He is also not allowed at my house if he has been drinking. I do see how my arguing with the lady was probly my codependency flaring up. ( and some of my temper too) I don't know if I will ever learn how to completely let go of the codependency issue. But it is sure much more peaceful when I keep my nose in my own buisness.... Thanks Guys for all your help I will keep reading if you have any more comments.... I want to be sober .. who cares about right...

Don S

Wow. I'd really suggest you look into counseling for anger management. Don't take that the wrong way. I just think that you may have a tendency to overreact to events, to let your emotions control you (rather than the other way around) and that getting control of that could help you and your family.
Glad you sound less frustrated today. Now...
"I have talked to my Sponsor about this for a long time and my sponsor keeps telling me to look for my part."
Good plan.
Don S

debsjsu

Thanks Don lol I did do anger management after I threw the computer out the window in my counselors office at treatment. All these Irrational behaviors of anger outburst Im describing about myself happened about 14 yrs ago. I have had 3 yrs of intensive therapy to deal with the anger issues and the abuse issues from my past. I just havent been that mad since being in therapy and didn't realize that I wouldn't react like the "old" me. It is kinda funny though in a way I really sound like an gorilla, if I told you all the stuff I had done you would think I was 10 foot tall and 300 lbs. Im actually 5ft tall and 125 lbs. I had just been abused and raped and hurt so much in my life that I went from ok to kill in 60 sec. I didn't have an in between. I was so afraid that everyone was going to hurt me that I had to protect myself at all cost. I am so glad that I don't have to do that anymore. I think my part in this is to realize that I can not control others, and that there are sick people in this world other than me. It is ok for me to take up for my self but I need to do it responsibly. Arguing with her was not productive. Nasty remarks NEVER make the situation better. They are ALWAYS aimed at hurting the other person. I should have let my brother take up for himself instead of doing it for him. I still need to work on my codependency issues. I went to a meeting that night. And felt better after the meeting. This forum has helped me so very much though. Gosh you Guys are so GREAT... Love Debs

debsjsu

The Lut. Supervisor for the Dept. of Public Safety office in my county called me this am he ask me to describe what happened. I did this to the best of my ability being as honest as I could about my part in the situation. He told me that he was very disturbed that she had introduced that man to us as her boss misrepresenting him as an employee of the state, also she had shown him a copy of my insurrance information when it came off the fax machine, he said that that was confidential information and it was illegal for her to share that with anyone unless necessary for the job. He was also concerned about her behavior. He stated she was an employee of the state which meant she was a public servent and was held to a higher standard than the general public. Really to him my behavior didn't matter, she was expected to act in a professional manor no matter what situation might arise. He stated there was standard protocol for handeling what ever situation she might be faced with and she was expected to follow that protocol at all times b/c she is considered a professional. He is suspose to meet me today to fill out paper work to file an official complaint. We will see where it goes from here. I did tell him that I don't have any desire to hurt her I just don't think I am the only person that she has treated this way and I don't feel that she should be allowed to treat people with disrespect. Anyway I feel like I did the right thing for the right reasons.

janeeyre

Looks like that woman will be held accountable for her actions. You did well!

debsjsu

Well I met with the Lut. and a Female officer that came with him. I wrote out my statement and signed it like he asked me to. He then ask me if my brother would be willing to make a statement also. I called my brother while we were sitting there. My brother told him that what I had said was completely true but he was afraid of this woman. He was afraid she might do something on the computer to mess up his lic. or something. He hasn't had lic. in about 10 yrs. The lut. assured him that she didn't have that power especially after today. Also they had another complaint on her to investigate besides ours, so there was a good chance that she wasn't even going to be there after today. So my brother agreed to give an offical statement. It just made me really aware that a lot of people who are getting their lic. reinstated or have had DWI's or whatever reason have lost their lic. and are trying to get them back could be treated with disrespect and are afraid to report it out of fear that they would be hurt by the person they are reporting. That is really sad that anyone would alow someone to abuse them b/c they believe that person somehow has authority to do that. My brother said to me. I can't believe you are not afraid to report her. I told him she dosn't have anything I haven't got. I am not afraid of stopping people from abusing me anymore. Im afraid of allowing people to abuse me today and doing nothing about it. I cannot live with that. It makes me feel like I am less than. I am not better than, but I am not less than either. For the first time in my life I am equal. Love Debs

janeeyre

Debs,
Well GOOD. I'm honestly glad you've followed this up, and that your brother is doing it too! It has been good to read your posts here. (I'm impressed, too, at how far you have come with your anger issues. Good on ya!)

I hear you--my bro had a couple of DUI's many years ago, then got sober & clean and has been so for 6 years now. However, his past still haunts him. He can't get a job which requires a clean driving record; when he tries to rent an apartment in a better part of town for him & his daughter, he is turned down because of his past; and on & on. But the guy just 'keeps on keeping on' in spite of these difficulties, and I admire him for that. Of course he gets angry sometimes--feels like he's being discriminated against--but he also owns up to his part in it. All those poor choices he made so many years ago still affect him & his daughter to this day.

I am SO proud of my brother. He's turned into such a good, hard-working dad. He has come so far, and is my hero in sobriety.

Thanks for your posts, Debs! Best of luck to you (and your brother) --

Jane

debsjsu

janeeyre.. You guys need to move to Alabama.. I don't think there is anybody living in this state that dosn't have DUI's on their record. lol especially in our county.. lol I guess there just wasn't much else to do around here. We live in an area that dosn't have any entertainment avaliable except for the cows and the chicken houses. (PHEW) And the boys and girls created their own entertainment if you know what I mean. It is getting better though. They built a skating rink this past winter and a movie theater in the next county over. We bought a pool for our kids. ( now all the teenagers will be at my house ). Im glad for your brother. I wish my brother would get sober. He dosn't tell me he still drinks, and I never see him drunk anymore. He hides it from me now. But I know he is still drinking. I am afraid It will end up killing him by liver disease or pancreatitis ect. I really don't want to loose him but I have no power to do anything about it. He knows how I feel and I have tried in the past to help him, make him stop, took him to treatment, AA. Ive done it all. Now it is up to him. I pray for him and just keep loving him and try very hard NOT to enable him. He is really a great guy. Love to all Debs

janeeyre

Well, it sounds like he's really fortunate to have you for his sister, and I'm not just saying that.

I'm sure you've heard this a million times, but he'll get sober when he's ready, and not a moment before. My brother put our family through many years of worry--he spent time in a few different rehabs and skipped out on them. Then he became a homeless guy--hopping trains all over the country, living in shelters, etc. There were times I thought he'd be found face-down in some gutter, dead--or just disappear and we'd never know what became of him. But finally something "clicked" with him (becoming a father), so that did it. That became his motivation to change, and he's never looked back. Now he motivates me to stay sober.

So you have teenage kids? Mine aren't quite to that age yet, but my son will turn 13 this summer. (Let the rodeo begin! )

Take care,
Jane

debsjsu

Hay Jane I am 44 yrs old and I actually have a 28 yr old daughter a 26 yr old son a 11 yr old son, of my own but I have raised 6 other foster kids that are also grown and married now. I have custody of my brothers 16 yrs old son and his 13 yr old daughter. My husband finally told me " look hunny they are not strays, stop bringing them home. I really didn't go looking for them. They just showed up on my doorstep. It was just meant to be, I just could't turn a child away after the childhood that I had experienced. My 16 yr old nephew has chosen to live on his own this year, he has quit school and moved to Miss. to work and he is following in his Fathers footsteps Im afraid, but he has his own journey and I really can't stop him either. Love to you Jane

janeeyre

Debs, that is just wonderful of you to be there for all those kids. You sound like a really generous person!

I'll talk to you when you return from your trip!

Jane