I am going to be honest
I'm a goofy dork most times =)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 40
I am going to be honest
Hi all,
I am miserable
Completely miserable
I have posted a bit this past week or two and I've been honest to a point with everyone, tonight I am just at a loss and I need some advice.
I need some opinions from people who possibly (I can't imagine anyone but me has!) have been through this and how they overcame it. Please, i don't want to be berrated or comandeered or told who I am or how to be. I am just at a loss and hope someone can shed some light on why I act like this and how to change it around.
This is going to be a long post, so I appreciate in advance, anyone who reads it to the extent.
Like I said. I have posted here and there for a couple of weeks. I've been a member for a while, but not been on since recently. Right now my husband and son are gone, no one told me (which is a big thing in my household since we've always called and updated each other on the goings on)
I had a post on here subtitled "My husband is so unsupportive"
Really, I don't think I drink too much. HE thinks I drink too much. There were times, 5 years ago when, whenever I drank I would drink until oblivion. With his "help" i have come much further and really, just like to drink to get a little buzz, or to wear off the work day. It would take a book to explain how we used to frequent together the local casino with $2 rum and cokes during football, or how we had housecleaing parties with each other and cleaned while we had some beers with a lot of music playing.
Either way, things were not always like this.
We don't talk to each other anymore. We don't want to be with each other. We're here for the family I guess. I tell him all the time to just leave, if he doesn't like it just leave.
On a side note, back to the "I don't think I drink too much part" I like to have a couple of drinks a day or, really not even that, but I'll get to that part...I work in the construction field and a couple of times a week the office would wind down at the bar across the street. He HATES that I work with a bunch of guys. We've had compromises and the like and none have worked (things like "Invite me and you can drink with them" when in reality he never had the time to show when I invited...) Anyway, it's gotten to the point where I can never have a beer or ANY alcohol in the house without getting into trouble unless he approves of it first.
So to combat that, out of rebellion mostly I think, I have taken to drinking a couple beers before work, buying beers after work and drinking them before I get home, hiding beers in the house, whatever to prove that he is not my boss and I am an adult and he can't rule me.
So here is where we stand. It is Friday night, 9:30 pm and I am at home alone after a side job meeting where he knew drinking was going to be involved. He KNEW about it on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and when I got home tonight I asked if he was going and he said NO. This is a $150,000 side job and I wanted him there to protect and help me and he said no. I got home an hour ago (8:30) and he was gone.
I have asked him over the past couple of years to go to counseling with me (but separately) because I have issues with the way he deals with things and I think it would be best for the counselor to hear HIS side of the story, and he has said no every time. He says the only problem is me and honestly guys, the only reason I drink the way i do is, sadly, because he won't let me drink or have fun or with people any other time.
I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
People say I need to go to AA and deal with myself, but I swear, if he weren't around, or if he wasn't reacting or talking the way he does, I would be a completely different person. He makes me feel so bad about myself, just in the way he words things, I don't think he does it completely intentionally, but when I tell him it makes me feel bad he says things like "Well you're the one with the problem so I'm not saying anything wrong"
Anyway sorry for the long post, I just had to get my feelings off my chest and hope someone might know what's going on...
I am miserable
Completely miserable
I have posted a bit this past week or two and I've been honest to a point with everyone, tonight I am just at a loss and I need some advice.
I need some opinions from people who possibly (I can't imagine anyone but me has!) have been through this and how they overcame it. Please, i don't want to be berrated or comandeered or told who I am or how to be. I am just at a loss and hope someone can shed some light on why I act like this and how to change it around.
This is going to be a long post, so I appreciate in advance, anyone who reads it to the extent.
Like I said. I have posted here and there for a couple of weeks. I've been a member for a while, but not been on since recently. Right now my husband and son are gone, no one told me (which is a big thing in my household since we've always called and updated each other on the goings on)
I had a post on here subtitled "My husband is so unsupportive"
Really, I don't think I drink too much. HE thinks I drink too much. There were times, 5 years ago when, whenever I drank I would drink until oblivion. With his "help" i have come much further and really, just like to drink to get a little buzz, or to wear off the work day. It would take a book to explain how we used to frequent together the local casino with $2 rum and cokes during football, or how we had housecleaing parties with each other and cleaned while we had some beers with a lot of music playing.
Either way, things were not always like this.
We don't talk to each other anymore. We don't want to be with each other. We're here for the family I guess. I tell him all the time to just leave, if he doesn't like it just leave.
On a side note, back to the "I don't think I drink too much part" I like to have a couple of drinks a day or, really not even that, but I'll get to that part...I work in the construction field and a couple of times a week the office would wind down at the bar across the street. He HATES that I work with a bunch of guys. We've had compromises and the like and none have worked (things like "Invite me and you can drink with them" when in reality he never had the time to show when I invited...) Anyway, it's gotten to the point where I can never have a beer or ANY alcohol in the house without getting into trouble unless he approves of it first.
So to combat that, out of rebellion mostly I think, I have taken to drinking a couple beers before work, buying beers after work and drinking them before I get home, hiding beers in the house, whatever to prove that he is not my boss and I am an adult and he can't rule me.
So here is where we stand. It is Friday night, 9:30 pm and I am at home alone after a side job meeting where he knew drinking was going to be involved. He KNEW about it on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and when I got home tonight I asked if he was going and he said NO. This is a $150,000 side job and I wanted him there to protect and help me and he said no. I got home an hour ago (8:30) and he was gone.
I have asked him over the past couple of years to go to counseling with me (but separately) because I have issues with the way he deals with things and I think it would be best for the counselor to hear HIS side of the story, and he has said no every time. He says the only problem is me and honestly guys, the only reason I drink the way i do is, sadly, because he won't let me drink or have fun or with people any other time.
I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
People say I need to go to AA and deal with myself, but I swear, if he weren't around, or if he wasn't reacting or talking the way he does, I would be a completely different person. He makes me feel so bad about myself, just in the way he words things, I don't think he does it completely intentionally, but when I tell him it makes me feel bad he says things like "Well you're the one with the problem so I'm not saying anything wrong"
Anyway sorry for the long post, I just had to get my feelings off my chest and hope someone might know what's going on...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by jdgualazzi
So to combat that, out of rebellion mostly I think, I have taken to drinking a couple beers before work, buying beers after work and drinking them before I get home, hiding beers in the house, whatever to prove that he is not my boss and I am an adult and he can't rule me.
I'm a goofy dork most times =)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 40
I have thought about it, for so many days and weeks and months and even years, if you will. I think maybe neither of us wants to be the bad guy. I have taken a couple of psychology classes and that is where my counselling idea stems from (that and the fact that my mom and I went to a counselor regarding each other and it helped us so much) But he won't go because he says I do'nt need a marriage counselor, he says I need an alcoholic counselor.
The thing is I have a friend (who didn't drink) and she wanted to see a counselor with her husband and he refused to go because he didn't think there was anything wrong with their marriage. In the end, it seems, the counselor only heard her side of the story and her reactions to things and what happened/ They got divorced. I really don't want that to happen, but he says that I'm the only one with the problem when, in my point of view, there are issues and demands in my life that are part of the problem. I know my drinking causes a lot of problems but things like the way he words things or when he says (this just happened this afternoon) "I know you did perfect for four days but how can I trust you when I know you're going to screw up tomorrow?" I said "how can i do good for four days and you're positive I'm going to screw up the next? Why would I even put forth the effort when it seems like a lost cause?"
I just don't know how to deal with it or him anymore...
I know you guys aren't counselors or therapists or anything of the like, but has ANYONE had anything like this? Guy or Girl?
...?
Thanks,
Jenni
The thing is I have a friend (who didn't drink) and she wanted to see a counselor with her husband and he refused to go because he didn't think there was anything wrong with their marriage. In the end, it seems, the counselor only heard her side of the story and her reactions to things and what happened/ They got divorced. I really don't want that to happen, but he says that I'm the only one with the problem when, in my point of view, there are issues and demands in my life that are part of the problem. I know my drinking causes a lot of problems but things like the way he words things or when he says (this just happened this afternoon) "I know you did perfect for four days but how can I trust you when I know you're going to screw up tomorrow?" I said "how can i do good for four days and you're positive I'm going to screw up the next? Why would I even put forth the effort when it seems like a lost cause?"
I just don't know how to deal with it or him anymore...
I know you guys aren't counselors or therapists or anything of the like, but has ANYONE had anything like this? Guy or Girl?
...?
Thanks,
Jenni
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 59
I would think that you drinking beer before work and after, and "hiding" drinks from your husband just to prove that he isn't the boss of you is contradictory, because if you're hiding the drinks then you're not proving a thing to him (if he doesn't know about it). I don't know of anyone who actually gets drunk or drinks alcohol as a form of rebellion except teenagers and people who shouldn't be drinking in the first place. So, as you can probably figure out, you shouldn't be drinking. If you're going to have a drink, have one because you want one, not because you need it, and not because you're rebelling, and not for any other reason. Drinking before work is not a good habit to get into regardless.
Your husband may be a total jerk, I don't know, or he may be right about your problem. Maybe you should consider seperation until you get your drinking/issues under control, and if things still appear so wrong to you after that, then maybe he is the problem and you can go from there. If you're in a stupor with booze, things will often be skewed to you.
I am not married, but I can tell you from personal experience a situation I have had (when drinking, of course). I was downing a 12 pack a night, to "take the edge off" or whatever you call it. I often have a friend come from out of state to vacation with me at my house for a couple weeks at a time. Well, every night I'd have to stop by the minimart to get the 12-pack, and a snide remark was made... I hated that. I'd be downing beer after beer, and it seemed as if he was picking fights with me. We would argue over things that seemed irrepairable at the time, but the next morning I would have some regrets over how I handled it. I would go on and on to my other friends about this guy and what his problem was. The truth was, had I not been drinking, none of his comments would ever have been made, the arguments that did occur would not have, and so on. I have friends that do drink alot--I never got into arguments with them. So, maybe your husband isn't much of a drinker, and maybe you two just don't meld well because of that. If you stop drinking, or if he starts, you might. I don't suggest you getting him to start.
Your husband may be a total jerk, I don't know, or he may be right about your problem. Maybe you should consider seperation until you get your drinking/issues under control, and if things still appear so wrong to you after that, then maybe he is the problem and you can go from there. If you're in a stupor with booze, things will often be skewed to you.
I am not married, but I can tell you from personal experience a situation I have had (when drinking, of course). I was downing a 12 pack a night, to "take the edge off" or whatever you call it. I often have a friend come from out of state to vacation with me at my house for a couple weeks at a time. Well, every night I'd have to stop by the minimart to get the 12-pack, and a snide remark was made... I hated that. I'd be downing beer after beer, and it seemed as if he was picking fights with me. We would argue over things that seemed irrepairable at the time, but the next morning I would have some regrets over how I handled it. I would go on and on to my other friends about this guy and what his problem was. The truth was, had I not been drinking, none of his comments would ever have been made, the arguments that did occur would not have, and so on. I have friends that do drink alot--I never got into arguments with them. So, maybe your husband isn't much of a drinker, and maybe you two just don't meld well because of that. If you stop drinking, or if he starts, you might. I don't suggest you getting him to start.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Based on what you've said, most of the problems here seem to be from your perceptions of your husband's attitudes, your sense that things aren't fair, and your resentments. Don't get me wrong: your husband could be a jerk, I'm sure he isn't communicating stuff very well, and he seems to register pretty low on the sympathy meter. But I'm reading a lot of angst that you are creating for yourself.
Since you have a son, I'd urge you to work on keeping it together. Marriage counselors can be alcohol counselors. You can go alone, but be cautious that the counselor is only hearing your side of things. Others here have gone to counselors with background in CBT or REBT--those approaches help you change your beliefs and develop healthier thinking processes. Both approaches are effective in dealing with alcohol problems.
You don't have to drink at meetings even if other people are. Nobody ever has to drink. Your drinking frankly doesn't sound pleasant at all--you either drink because you have to or because you want to rebel against restrictions on your behavior. How about if you just quit? What good is drinking doing you? It hardly seems worth the effort to keep drinking if all it does is cause friction and stress.
"..if he weren't around, or if he wasn't reacting or talking the way he does, I would be a completely different person." We all would, no matter how good our relationship is. We act differently in relationships because of mutual expectations, shared experiences, and the patterns we develop over time. Some of those patterns can become unhealthy, even toxic. So if you care about preserving the family, do your part to change your thinking. Maybe he will also, maybe not. Not much you can do about that except set a good example. You don't say how old your son it, but trust me that he'll appreciate it.
Please understand that I'm not trying to be harsh here. I'm sorry your marriage and present situation is so distressing to you. Anxiety must be getting worse as it seems that you have no options. But you do, and many of us have been where you are now. Enact change in yourself, work on it a bit each day, and things will get better.
Take care,
Since you have a son, I'd urge you to work on keeping it together. Marriage counselors can be alcohol counselors. You can go alone, but be cautious that the counselor is only hearing your side of things. Others here have gone to counselors with background in CBT or REBT--those approaches help you change your beliefs and develop healthier thinking processes. Both approaches are effective in dealing with alcohol problems.
You don't have to drink at meetings even if other people are. Nobody ever has to drink. Your drinking frankly doesn't sound pleasant at all--you either drink because you have to or because you want to rebel against restrictions on your behavior. How about if you just quit? What good is drinking doing you? It hardly seems worth the effort to keep drinking if all it does is cause friction and stress.
"..if he weren't around, or if he wasn't reacting or talking the way he does, I would be a completely different person." We all would, no matter how good our relationship is. We act differently in relationships because of mutual expectations, shared experiences, and the patterns we develop over time. Some of those patterns can become unhealthy, even toxic. So if you care about preserving the family, do your part to change your thinking. Maybe he will also, maybe not. Not much you can do about that except set a good example. You don't say how old your son it, but trust me that he'll appreciate it.
Please understand that I'm not trying to be harsh here. I'm sorry your marriage and present situation is so distressing to you. Anxiety must be getting worse as it seems that you have no options. But you do, and many of us have been where you are now. Enact change in yourself, work on it a bit each day, and things will get better.
Take care,
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Women for Sobriety is a program I think very highly of.
From their web site:
"NEW LIFE" ACCEPTANCE PROGRAM
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
(c) 1976, 1987, 1993
To make the Program effective for you, arise each morning fifteen minutes earlier than usual and go over the Thirteen Affirmations. Then begin to think about each one by itself. Take one Statement and use it consciously all day. At the end of the day review the use of it and what effects it had that day for you and your actions."
http://womenforsobriety.org
From their web site:
"NEW LIFE" ACCEPTANCE PROGRAM
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
(c) 1976, 1987, 1993
To make the Program effective for you, arise each morning fifteen minutes earlier than usual and go over the Thirteen Affirmations. Then begin to think about each one by itself. Take one Statement and use it consciously all day. At the end of the day review the use of it and what effects it had that day for you and your actions."
http://womenforsobriety.org
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
You asked for opinions:
Based upon what you wrote, it is my opinion that you are suffering from every symptom of alcoholism:
Denial
Blame
Minimization
Fear
self-pity
it goes on......
Alcoholism is a family illness, your husband is severly affected by it as you are. He may be an a$$hole, but his changing to a wonderful husband wont change the fact that you have a severe drinking problem.
Until you face this fact and do something about it, all this drama will continue.
Alcoholism NEVER gets better if left untreated, it always get worse.
Based upon what you wrote, it is my opinion that you are suffering from every symptom of alcoholism:
Denial
Blame
Minimization
Fear
self-pity
it goes on......
Alcoholism is a family illness, your husband is severly affected by it as you are. He may be an a$$hole, but his changing to a wonderful husband wont change the fact that you have a severe drinking problem.
Until you face this fact and do something about it, all this drama will continue.
Alcoholism NEVER gets better if left untreated, it always get worse.
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
jdgualazzi,
I think you are in a difficult situation but I also think you are making a mistake in letting your husband's support (or lack of it) have influence over whether or not you drink. You wrote "So to combat that, out of rebellion mostly I think, I have taken to drinking a couple beers before work, buying beers after work and drinking them before I get home, hiding beers in the house, whatever to prove that he is not my boss and I am an adult and he can't rule me". You don't prove you are an adult by acting like you are thirteen years old.
Look, it would be great if your husband was completely supportive but he's not. So get the help you need for yourself. If your husband is not going to support you until you have one month, or two months or N months clean, then find support in other places. I am not a therapist and I don't play one on television either, but it appears to me that both of you are using your drinking to avoid dealing with larger issues. If you stop drinking, that excuse goes away.
I hope you can work things out.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
I think you are in a difficult situation but I also think you are making a mistake in letting your husband's support (or lack of it) have influence over whether or not you drink. You wrote "So to combat that, out of rebellion mostly I think, I have taken to drinking a couple beers before work, buying beers after work and drinking them before I get home, hiding beers in the house, whatever to prove that he is not my boss and I am an adult and he can't rule me". You don't prove you are an adult by acting like you are thirteen years old.
Look, it would be great if your husband was completely supportive but he's not. So get the help you need for yourself. If your husband is not going to support you until you have one month, or two months or N months clean, then find support in other places. I am not a therapist and I don't play one on television either, but it appears to me that both of you are using your drinking to avoid dealing with larger issues. If you stop drinking, that excuse goes away.
I hope you can work things out.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Simply put: If alcohol is in the picture and is causing problems, alcohol is, at the very least, part of the problem. If you're defending your use of alcohol to the extent that you are, alcohol is WAY to important. Stop drinking first and then work on the other problems.
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Hey there,
I think you have gotten a lot of good advice here. I hope you will be accepting of it. I am really glad you are here, you can learn so much about alcohol and alcoholism.
The biggest truth is that you are responsible for your own actions. Period. No one else is holding you down and pouring liquor and beer down your throat - only you can do that. It has been your choice to continue to drink alcohol in inappropriate amounts and times and for inappropriate reasons. No matter how big of a dick your husband is it has still been solely your choice to drink the way that you do. No matter how you try to rationalize and explain it away it is you bending that elbow and swallowing that liquid.
The second biggest truth is that if you do have alcoholism it isn't going to get better on it's own - it really will only get worse.
There is so much more to life than the choice to keep alcohol in it. After all... if alcohol was not important to you at all then would giving it up be such a big deal? Don't rationalize that point away - no matter how you slice it the answer is no.
You gotta take care of yourself cuz you are so worth it.
Suga
I think you have gotten a lot of good advice here. I hope you will be accepting of it. I am really glad you are here, you can learn so much about alcohol and alcoholism.
The biggest truth is that you are responsible for your own actions. Period. No one else is holding you down and pouring liquor and beer down your throat - only you can do that. It has been your choice to continue to drink alcohol in inappropriate amounts and times and for inappropriate reasons. No matter how big of a dick your husband is it has still been solely your choice to drink the way that you do. No matter how you try to rationalize and explain it away it is you bending that elbow and swallowing that liquid.
The second biggest truth is that if you do have alcoholism it isn't going to get better on it's own - it really will only get worse.
There is so much more to life than the choice to keep alcohol in it. After all... if alcohol was not important to you at all then would giving it up be such a big deal? Don't rationalize that point away - no matter how you slice it the answer is no.
You gotta take care of yourself cuz you are so worth it.
Suga
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
It is understandable that your husband might have concerns about your drinking and may not be willing to compromise where that is concerned.
"Drinking to oblivion." five years ago is not healthy and hubby may not be convinced you have found a way to control your drinking and just have a couple after work with the boys.
Were I in his position I would be concerned too.
Seems to me you have a choice to make.What are the things more important to you?
"Drinking to oblivion." five years ago is not healthy and hubby may not be convinced you have found a way to control your drinking and just have a couple after work with the boys.
Were I in his position I would be concerned too.
Seems to me you have a choice to make.What are the things more important to you?
I'm a goofy dork most times =)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 40
Ok...
Hi everyone, I have been away for a bit but I think that's good because I have had a chance to read every post and objectively react instead of one at a time.
I think the biggest thing I saw in people's posts is the reference to when I said I get rebellious. Which I do, I don't deny that. I have told him that I feel like a 6 year old under her father's rule; I feel like a prisoner let out for break. It's sad to feel like that, I know. I have told him that I don't want to be 80 years old and feeling like this, that's half a decade away for me.
I am at a new job for the past two years and, other than having some drinks on a Friday night, they do nothing out of the ordinary. Same construction situation, but MUCH more professional. Our department goes to the bar once a week and I ALWAYS leave after an hour because I'm afraid of getting in trouble.
I honestly don't think I would be the way I am if he weren't so against it. He likes to drink, we go out and have fun, but if he has any inkling, suspicion, or thought that I may have had time to drink, he gets upset (upset meaning screaming fight). A lot of times I haven't done anything wrong, which brings on the "Why try to do right when I'm going to get into trouble anyway" argument.
I am happy working my workweek and going out with friends a couple of times a week and having fun on the weekend, but when I get accused of doing something wrong (always drinking-wise) I get upset and I guess, want to prove myself to myself.
I asked for the medical provider book so I can find a counselor. Like I said in earlier posts, he won't go because he says I am the problem. I told him this weekend that I will go by myself and that I will tell the counselor everything that's wrong in my life and in the end (after I try everything they say) we may be divorced, because he never went to voice his side of the story.
That is what I am going to try to do.
Please respond
Jenni
I think the biggest thing I saw in people's posts is the reference to when I said I get rebellious. Which I do, I don't deny that. I have told him that I feel like a 6 year old under her father's rule; I feel like a prisoner let out for break. It's sad to feel like that, I know. I have told him that I don't want to be 80 years old and feeling like this, that's half a decade away for me.
I am at a new job for the past two years and, other than having some drinks on a Friday night, they do nothing out of the ordinary. Same construction situation, but MUCH more professional. Our department goes to the bar once a week and I ALWAYS leave after an hour because I'm afraid of getting in trouble.
I honestly don't think I would be the way I am if he weren't so against it. He likes to drink, we go out and have fun, but if he has any inkling, suspicion, or thought that I may have had time to drink, he gets upset (upset meaning screaming fight). A lot of times I haven't done anything wrong, which brings on the "Why try to do right when I'm going to get into trouble anyway" argument.
I am happy working my workweek and going out with friends a couple of times a week and having fun on the weekend, but when I get accused of doing something wrong (always drinking-wise) I get upset and I guess, want to prove myself to myself.
I asked for the medical provider book so I can find a counselor. Like I said in earlier posts, he won't go because he says I am the problem. I told him this weekend that I will go by myself and that I will tell the counselor everything that's wrong in my life and in the end (after I try everything they say) we may be divorced, because he never went to voice his side of the story.
That is what I am going to try to do.
Please respond
Jenni
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Plymouth, MN
Posts: 960
If drinking is a problem or a big deal, why is it so important to have it at all? Just a something to think about, not a judgment. I hope everything works out for you. I hope counseling helps. I think it is a great idea to go regardless if your husband does or not. good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 26
Jenni,
Something i first learned in Al-Anon is that i'm not responsible for how another person acts. What i do have control over is my attitudes and actions. I concur that taking care of yourself, and not focusing on the relationship, is what you need to concentrate on right now. Whether you're still with your husband a year from now or not, you'll still have yourself to deal with.
I can relate a lot to your situation. Several years ago, when my then-wife went out of the country on business for five weeks, my own drinking went down to almost nothing. But after she returned i eventually ended up drinking daily the way i had been before she left. The fact that my drinking was determined by reactions to life situations shows me that i was not in control of drinking the way i thought i was. It doesn't matter if i call myself an alcoholic or not --- by admitting that my life could be better, and that it wasn't going to happen unless i put down the drink, i've been shown a new life that i could only have dreamed of.
AA works for me.
- Jim
Something i first learned in Al-Anon is that i'm not responsible for how another person acts. What i do have control over is my attitudes and actions. I concur that taking care of yourself, and not focusing on the relationship, is what you need to concentrate on right now. Whether you're still with your husband a year from now or not, you'll still have yourself to deal with.
I can relate a lot to your situation. Several years ago, when my then-wife went out of the country on business for five weeks, my own drinking went down to almost nothing. But after she returned i eventually ended up drinking daily the way i had been before she left. The fact that my drinking was determined by reactions to life situations shows me that i was not in control of drinking the way i thought i was. It doesn't matter if i call myself an alcoholic or not --- by admitting that my life could be better, and that it wasn't going to happen unless i put down the drink, i've been shown a new life that i could only have dreamed of.
AA works for me.
- Jim
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Hi jd , welcome to SR
From what i have read of your posts, one thing stands out , and that is the word HE, this is not about him, or how he speaks to you , or treats you , it is about how ALCOHOL causes you to view the situation.
I spent 37 years, drinking like a maniac, working, hiding the booze, and living full of resentment , and fear. it wasnt til I took alcohol out of the equation, that i could see just how irrational my thoughts and perceptions were. I always thought that , "if only", they loved me, or treated me right, or spoke well of me, or would just let me alone, all would be OK . I was wrong !!!! it was ME who needed to change.
Like you , i used to go out for a few drinks, and only stay an hour for fear of " getting into trouble" that in itself , is enough to indicate that you are controlled by the booze.
Take some action , for me it meant ringing AA, and getting to meetings, and working a programme, i now have 2 1/2 years sober, and when I look back at my previous existance, it is just as described in your post .
I hope you will take some action, and rid yourself of the bondage that is Alcoholism
HUGX
Lee
From what i have read of your posts, one thing stands out , and that is the word HE, this is not about him, or how he speaks to you , or treats you , it is about how ALCOHOL causes you to view the situation.
I spent 37 years, drinking like a maniac, working, hiding the booze, and living full of resentment , and fear. it wasnt til I took alcohol out of the equation, that i could see just how irrational my thoughts and perceptions were. I always thought that , "if only", they loved me, or treated me right, or spoke well of me, or would just let me alone, all would be OK . I was wrong !!!! it was ME who needed to change.
Like you , i used to go out for a few drinks, and only stay an hour for fear of " getting into trouble" that in itself , is enough to indicate that you are controlled by the booze.
Take some action , for me it meant ringing AA, and getting to meetings, and working a programme, i now have 2 1/2 years sober, and when I look back at my previous existance, it is just as described in your post .
I hope you will take some action, and rid yourself of the bondage that is Alcoholism
HUGX
Lee
I'm a goofy dork most times =)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 40
It's stupid to say, O know, but it's important, MN Girl, because I am not "allowed to do it" to me it could be anything, I can't eat meat, but because I like it or enjoy it, I do it anyway...I don't know, I know I need to see a counselor, and I am going to, but I honestly am not sure that it's going to help other marital relationship parts that my husband refuses to deal with.
I know this is not part of the message board. I was just, originally, hoping, that someone may have gone through something similar.
I know this is not part of the message board. I was just, originally, hoping, that someone may have gone through something similar.
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
AS FOR A Master's in Psychology..Here she comes..
Originally Posted by jdgualazzi
I have thought about it, for so many days and weeks and months and even years, if you will. I think maybe neither of us wants to be the bad guy. I have taken a couple of psychology classes and that is where my counselling idea stems from (that and the fact that my mom and I went to a counselor regarding each other and it helped us so much) But he won't go because he says I do'nt need a marriage counselor, he says I need an alcoholic counselor.
The thing is I have a friend (who didn't drink) and she wanted to see a counselor with her husband and he refused to go because he didn't think there was anything wrong with their marriage. In the end, it seems, the counselor only heard her side of the story and her reactions to things and what happened/ They got divorced. I really don't want that to happen, but he says that I'm the only one with the problem when, in my point of view, there are issues and demands in my life that are part of the problem. I know my drinking causes a lot of problems but things like the way he words things or when he says (this just happened this afternoon) "I know you did perfect for four days but how can I trust you when I know you're going to screw up tomorrow?" I said "how can i do good for four days and you're positive I'm going to screw up the next? Why would I even put forth the effort when it seems like a lost cause?"
I just don't know how to deal with it or him anymore...
I know you guys aren't counselors or therapists or anything of the like, but has ANYONE had anything like this? Guy or Girl?
...?
Thanks,
Jenni
The thing is I have a friend (who didn't drink) and she wanted to see a counselor with her husband and he refused to go because he didn't think there was anything wrong with their marriage. In the end, it seems, the counselor only heard her side of the story and her reactions to things and what happened/ They got divorced. I really don't want that to happen, but he says that I'm the only one with the problem when, in my point of view, there are issues and demands in my life that are part of the problem. I know my drinking causes a lot of problems but things like the way he words things or when he says (this just happened this afternoon) "I know you did perfect for four days but how can I trust you when I know you're going to screw up tomorrow?" I said "how can i do good for four days and you're positive I'm going to screw up the next? Why would I even put forth the effort when it seems like a lost cause?"
I just don't know how to deal with it or him anymore...
I know you guys aren't counselors or therapists or anything of the like, but has ANYONE had anything like this? Guy or Girl?
...?
Thanks,
Jenni
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Good morning j;
You say you are going to be honest. To me, your first 2 lines are:
"I am Miserable, Completeley Miserable."
The rest of your words, in my opinion, are the disease of alcoholism speaking, and are far from honest. As someone else pointed out, the disease will resent others, minimize the pain, deny the reality.
Fortunately, you can read and reread what you wrote and receive feedback from all of us who HAVE been where you are. The irony is that, having been where you are, our experience strength and hope is not nescessarily the response you wanted to hear. At least at first.
You may have wished for, as misery so often does, company. You have plenty of great company here, as well as in the rooms of AA, or in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or in SMART Recovery or other serious approach to comitted sobriety.
I wish you the best and hope you stick around and let us help out.
You say you are going to be honest. To me, your first 2 lines are:
"I am Miserable, Completeley Miserable."
The rest of your words, in my opinion, are the disease of alcoholism speaking, and are far from honest. As someone else pointed out, the disease will resent others, minimize the pain, deny the reality.
Fortunately, you can read and reread what you wrote and receive feedback from all of us who HAVE been where you are. The irony is that, having been where you are, our experience strength and hope is not nescessarily the response you wanted to hear. At least at first.
You may have wished for, as misery so often does, company. You have plenty of great company here, as well as in the rooms of AA, or in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or in SMART Recovery or other serious approach to comitted sobriety.
I wish you the best and hope you stick around and let us help out.
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