Need Advice from YOU ALL- Please
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Need Advice from YOU ALL- Please
I've been posting on the "family and friends" forum a lot, but I want your opinion (people in recovery or considering recovery) since my husband is an alcoholic.
We're only married 3 1/2 years, have no kids and our marriage has been tainted from the get-go. We've had MANY what I like to call Jerry Springer episodes that were all due to alcohol- ruined anniversaries, birthdays, Tuesdays, you name it. Lots of broken promises on his part, displays of violence (smashing my windshield, threats, breaking things around the house, grabbing). Throughout all this, I have no trust, no respect and hence- no love left for him. Recently all of this came to a head and AH must notice that "I'm 'serious' this time" b/c he's gone on his own personal crusade to "cut down on drinking for the 'sake of our marriage'". He still drinks a tall boy 6 pack a night, but this is better than the 18-24 beers he used to drink. He used to crack his first open right after work- 2PM or so, now it's 9PM. The violence is no longer into play b/c he is actually on Xanax and Seroquel and seeing a county shrink about once every 2 months (not enough).
My feelings for him are numb and I cannot trust that this new crusade will last. He will NOT even consider AA or in-patient treatment. Thinks it's a huge joke. I'm so over it by now that I hardly care what he does. I socially drink and have never had a problem with it and don't know if I want to be dry for life b/c of his problems. He already told me he is setting a 6 pack a night goal for himself and never intends to quit completely. He thinks that as long as he's not a jerk to be around and no Jerry Springer episodes happen again, that our marriage will be fine. I feel that another episode is lurking right around the corner b/c he's made promises before. It's a vicious cycle.
For those of you that have tried his approach, how long till you realized it wasn't working or did it work? Can I even begin to take him seriously at this point?
We're only married 3 1/2 years, have no kids and our marriage has been tainted from the get-go. We've had MANY what I like to call Jerry Springer episodes that were all due to alcohol- ruined anniversaries, birthdays, Tuesdays, you name it. Lots of broken promises on his part, displays of violence (smashing my windshield, threats, breaking things around the house, grabbing). Throughout all this, I have no trust, no respect and hence- no love left for him. Recently all of this came to a head and AH must notice that "I'm 'serious' this time" b/c he's gone on his own personal crusade to "cut down on drinking for the 'sake of our marriage'". He still drinks a tall boy 6 pack a night, but this is better than the 18-24 beers he used to drink. He used to crack his first open right after work- 2PM or so, now it's 9PM. The violence is no longer into play b/c he is actually on Xanax and Seroquel and seeing a county shrink about once every 2 months (not enough).
My feelings for him are numb and I cannot trust that this new crusade will last. He will NOT even consider AA or in-patient treatment. Thinks it's a huge joke. I'm so over it by now that I hardly care what he does. I socially drink and have never had a problem with it and don't know if I want to be dry for life b/c of his problems. He already told me he is setting a 6 pack a night goal for himself and never intends to quit completely. He thinks that as long as he's not a jerk to be around and no Jerry Springer episodes happen again, that our marriage will be fine. I feel that another episode is lurking right around the corner b/c he's made promises before. It's a vicious cycle.
For those of you that have tried his approach, how long till you realized it wasn't working or did it work? Can I even begin to take him seriously at this point?
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,525
(((megamysterioso))) -
Oh, wow. That sounds like an awfully tough situation. I feel for you!
I've never had any luck cutting back. When I have tried moderating my alcohol intake, I've ended up right back in full-blown "trashedness" before too long. I can't allow any booze into my life.
You said you feel like "another episode is lurking right around the corner because he's made promises before." From what you've written here, I have a feeling you are right. Trust your intuition, okay? Do what you need to do. It IS a vicious cycle.
Take care,
Jane
Oh, wow. That sounds like an awfully tough situation. I feel for you!
I've never had any luck cutting back. When I have tried moderating my alcohol intake, I've ended up right back in full-blown "trashedness" before too long. I can't allow any booze into my life.
You said you feel like "another episode is lurking right around the corner because he's made promises before." From what you've written here, I have a feeling you are right. Trust your intuition, okay? Do what you need to do. It IS a vicious cycle.
Take care,
Jane
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thanks Jane. I really appreciate you taking the time. I feel confused right now- like I need advice from EVERY single angle possible. For anyone here that has been in his shoes, I would love to hear from you. I've heard a lot from people in mine on the other forum and am curious to hear how an alcoholic views things. I will trust my instincts Jane! I cannot afford to let down any more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 404
Hi-
I am an alcoholic w just over 1 year of sobriety. I think that you are in for a rough go of it if you really think this will last. Walking on eggshells waiting for his next fit of violence is no way to live. I think that you should move on and live your life, and he will have a decision to make - keep drinking, or sober up. Just my opinion. I wish you luck!!
JMHS
I am an alcoholic w just over 1 year of sobriety. I think that you are in for a rough go of it if you really think this will last. Walking on eggshells waiting for his next fit of violence is no way to live. I think that you should move on and live your life, and he will have a decision to make - keep drinking, or sober up. Just my opinion. I wish you luck!!
JMHS
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I appreciate your honest opinions and I wish you all the best. Great job staying sober. If anything, I know it takes a lot of determination for anyone to turn their life around. My husband is not even willing to do it for real.
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
mega:
I think you had all of the answers already.
what you told us:
1) AH has a serious drinking problem
2) Your life and your relationship with him can't go on with him drinking
3) He says he will be stop drinking
now what was your question?
I think you had all of the answers already.
what you told us:
1) AH has a serious drinking problem
2) Your life and your relationship with him can't go on with him drinking
3) He says he will be stop drinking
now what was your question?
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
As someone who has tried the "cutting down and the long list of promises for the sake of relationship" approach I guess my reply to you is that you are living on borrowed time right now.
The love appears to be gone out of your relationship and it may be time to move on. If not for love I see little point in continuing to remain with an alcoholic who refuses to do anything serious about their drinking.
The love appears to be gone out of your relationship and it may be time to move on. If not for love I see little point in continuing to remain with an alcoholic who refuses to do anything serious about their drinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
I have been able to view this from both perspectives. I am an alcoholic and was married to an alcoholic. I've lived both sides of the coin. You say you feel another episode lurking. You are more than likely to be very correct.
My husband would go through episodes of violence like you described. He would cool down for awhile, then another episode would erupt. His word meant nothing to me and I grew into the same emotional state that you have.
If your husband has no intentions to quit drinking, he won't. His drinking will escalate back to where it was in time. That is how it is with alcoholics. We can cut back for a short period of time when the heat is on. Then, when we feel that it has passed, we'll pick it back up a notch or two. I know, I did it myself. I wasn't prone to episode of violence myself. Violence and booze go hand in hand.
I can't see where things will get any better for you staying within that environment. Your husband won't change if he isn't willing to make an attempt. Your feelings for him will continue to decline unless he comes to his senses and does a complete 180. I think the chances of that are pretty slim.
You don't have to live life like this. There are alternatives. You may want to think hard and consider them. You deserve a better way of life. Living life with a time bomb ticking, waiting to explode is insane. Good luck...
My husband would go through episodes of violence like you described. He would cool down for awhile, then another episode would erupt. His word meant nothing to me and I grew into the same emotional state that you have.
If your husband has no intentions to quit drinking, he won't. His drinking will escalate back to where it was in time. That is how it is with alcoholics. We can cut back for a short period of time when the heat is on. Then, when we feel that it has passed, we'll pick it back up a notch or two. I know, I did it myself. I wasn't prone to episode of violence myself. Violence and booze go hand in hand.
I can't see where things will get any better for you staying within that environment. Your husband won't change if he isn't willing to make an attempt. Your feelings for him will continue to decline unless he comes to his senses and does a complete 180. I think the chances of that are pretty slim.
You don't have to live life like this. There are alternatives. You may want to think hard and consider them. You deserve a better way of life. Living life with a time bomb ticking, waiting to explode is insane. Good luck...
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thank you everyone. Your advice means the world to me and I am taking it to heart. My husband will not do a complete 180 so long as I continue to "turn the other cheek" and play the "everything is alright again game." I'm sick of playing this game and it has killed our relationship. I just need time to figure out how to approach actually leaving. If I put divorce papers in his face, I really think he'll go on a bender and go off the deep end. I'm not willing to go through this hard time right now. I'm so tired and just want a rest from all of this. As an alcoholic though, would you be more angry at me if you thought that I had been "plotting for the 'perfect' time to leave the whole time?" Would you want me to forewarn you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi MegaMysterioso,
When I drank, I made many promises to myself, let alone to others, that I could not keep. I also made deals that I thought would allow me to continue to drink. Heck, I would say or do anything if i thought it would allow me to not have to change.
But enough about me, and, frankly, enough about him. Lets talk about you.
You say you feel numb, you feel untrusting, you have lost respect, you are afraid. You have good reasons for these feelings.
If nothing changed about this man, about who he is RIGHT NOW, would you marry him?
If YES, you would marry this man today, then, you need to know that you are in for more of the same. He has serious issues, and he continues to drink on top of them. Because he has told you he will not get sober, you will always live in fear, without healthy love, giving and receiving no mutual respect and joy to one another, deepening your disappointments and resentments.
If you would NOT marry this man today, then you have your answer. Consider the alternatives. Consider your health, happiness and safety. Please, take good care of you.
Blessings and good luck
When I drank, I made many promises to myself, let alone to others, that I could not keep. I also made deals that I thought would allow me to continue to drink. Heck, I would say or do anything if i thought it would allow me to not have to change.
But enough about me, and, frankly, enough about him. Lets talk about you.
You say you feel numb, you feel untrusting, you have lost respect, you are afraid. You have good reasons for these feelings.
If nothing changed about this man, about who he is RIGHT NOW, would you marry him?
If YES, you would marry this man today, then, you need to know that you are in for more of the same. He has serious issues, and he continues to drink on top of them. Because he has told you he will not get sober, you will always live in fear, without healthy love, giving and receiving no mutual respect and joy to one another, deepening your disappointments and resentments.
If you would NOT marry this man today, then you have your answer. Consider the alternatives. Consider your health, happiness and safety. Please, take good care of you.
Blessings and good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Sorry, I missed the post you made above mine.
In answer to the question of "Will he be angry if....?"
You can count on anger from him, no matter when or how you decide to leave. Take care of yourself.
In answer to the question of "Will he be angry if....?"
You can count on anger from him, no matter when or how you decide to leave. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 98
Whether to stay or go is a decision only you can make. Personally I think marriage is a sacred institution and if you believe he is sincere in his efforts to cut down and he has improved I would consider going to a marriage counsellor. The vast majority of problem drinkers who try and cut down fail miserably, only a minute percentage succeed. Through marriage counselling he may get a clearer picture of what his drinking has done and agree to quit and then again he may not.
I can't say I was ever in your situation so I can't relate. Are you sure there are some lingering feelings for him under your numbness? If you don't care for him anymore, why are you staying? Are you afraid of him, is your personal safety in jeopardy? If so you need to think of that first.
I can't say I was ever in your situation so I can't relate. Are you sure there are some lingering feelings for him under your numbness? If you don't care for him anymore, why are you staying? Are you afraid of him, is your personal safety in jeopardy? If so you need to think of that first.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
I know that everything is alright game all to well. It just gives him the everything is all clear signal and everything will blow over eventually. I played that game for 10 years. Ask yourself if you are willing to do that. It turns into a pattern of behavior that you both learn to accept. I would strongly advise against entering any further into that pattern of behavior.
As an alcoholic, no time is a perfect time. Any time, this time, that time will give him an excuse to go on a bender. If it rains we drink, if the sun shines we drink. I'm sure you have noticed that pattern at this point. You need to start thinking about yourself. You can not help your husband or your marriage alone. Focus on yourself. That is all you can do at this time. Your husband will do what he will do.
My advice would be to get the ball rolling. Speak with a lawyer if you're serious about leaving the marriage. If your husband knows before hand, he may try to stop you or talk you out of it. I would give him as little details of the particulars as possible.
I would definitely make him aware that you are serious about not putting up with his behavior and are considering moving forward, with him or without him. It is his choice whether he moves forward in life or not. However, his choice does not have to be your choice. Let him know that you are willing to make changes if he is willing. Aproaching the subject and how he responds will give you an indication on how serious he takes the matter.
Something tells me that he isn't the type to consider going to marriage counseling. I may be very wrong. I hope so. My husband would never consider that. Of course, everything was my fault. I was the one with all the problems. Sound familiar? Maybe, maybe not.
As an alcoholic though, would you be more angry at me if you thought that I had been "plotting for the 'perfect' time to leave the whole time?" Would you want me to forewarn you?
My advice would be to get the ball rolling. Speak with a lawyer if you're serious about leaving the marriage. If your husband knows before hand, he may try to stop you or talk you out of it. I would give him as little details of the particulars as possible.
I would definitely make him aware that you are serious about not putting up with his behavior and are considering moving forward, with him or without him. It is his choice whether he moves forward in life or not. However, his choice does not have to be your choice. Let him know that you are willing to make changes if he is willing. Aproaching the subject and how he responds will give you an indication on how serious he takes the matter.
Something tells me that he isn't the type to consider going to marriage counseling. I may be very wrong. I hope so. My husband would never consider that. Of course, everything was my fault. I was the one with all the problems. Sound familiar? Maybe, maybe not.
Burned but hopeful!!
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mid Atlantic US
Posts: 19
Do you go to Al-anon? It really helps because it helps you put the focus back on you; so you'll be healther if/when the sh** hits the fan again. You do nothing but hurt yourself fighting back when someone's intoxicated. Al-anon might help you there too. Anyway, take care of youself.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
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Thanks Miss and Taiman. No Miss, I would not marry him again. I have regretted marrying him in the first place for a long time now. I have even told him how much of a mistake I think our marriage is when we've had sober discussions about divorce in the past. He was sad to hear it, but handled it OK since he was sober. Responded with something like, "I'm sorry and I'll do whatever I can to make it right." Those words did not mean much b/c I've been suckered in before.
Taiman- I'm not scared of him when he's sober, but when he is wasted, he can be a violent, angry man. Part of me thinks that if I get the papers drawn and present them to him, it will be the beginning of a downward spiral for him. All efforts to "cut down" will cease, he'll go on a bender and will try and exact some sort of revenge for what he will view as injustice to him- "I didn't give him a chance to prove himself b/c he is/was 'serious' this time!"
He's even asked me in a sober conversation we've had about divorce about a month ago, "how can you do this to me NOW that I'm trying to make it right? It's like a knife in my back? You're kicking me when I'm down." His well-being is too much of a burden for me to carry and I shouldn't have to do it
.
Taiman- I'm not scared of him when he's sober, but when he is wasted, he can be a violent, angry man. Part of me thinks that if I get the papers drawn and present them to him, it will be the beginning of a downward spiral for him. All efforts to "cut down" will cease, he'll go on a bender and will try and exact some sort of revenge for what he will view as injustice to him- "I didn't give him a chance to prove himself b/c he is/was 'serious' this time!"
He's even asked me in a sober conversation we've had about divorce about a month ago, "how can you do this to me NOW that I'm trying to make it right? It's like a knife in my back? You're kicking me when I'm down." His well-being is too much of a burden for me to carry and I shouldn't have to do it
.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
2dayz- The game is old and stale and I have gotten so good at it that I can predict the outcome most every time. What you're saying is right and I know I must move forward.
I'm not in Al-Anon. I really cannot get away to "secretly" go to meetings. My AH would blow a fuse if he knew I posted here- much less went live!
I'm not in Al-Anon. I really cannot get away to "secretly" go to meetings. My AH would blow a fuse if he knew I posted here- much less went live!
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Hmmm...if he were to get violent, I wouldn't advise going of course. And that how can you leave me now routine is pretty common. He is after all making a sacrifice in cutting down from what he really wants to drink.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi Meg,
First, whether your husband blows a fuse or not, I think you need to get some "live" support from people who've been through what you're going through. You might just get the insight, that proves the point that sometimes, the families of alcoholics end up actually sicker than the alcoholic. The proof is in the fact that you're still with him after all the incidents you've mentioned in your first post. How many women who are proud, dignified, self-confident and successful in their own right, do you think would stay with someone who treated them the way you've been treated? I've been with my wife for 43 years, through all the drinking and thus far in recovery. Never layed a hand on her! Why? Because I had more respect for her than to do that. I've never even so much as thought about calling her a bitch or any other frequently used putdown I hear all to often these days.
IMO, you need to kick this guy to the curb, before the sun sets. Get yourself out of there and somewhere safe. Love yourself enough to do what's in your best interest. Thank God, there aren't any kids in the picture which brings me to another point. Place a piece of facial tissue between your knees and hold it there real tight to avoid that possibility.
First, whether your husband blows a fuse or not, I think you need to get some "live" support from people who've been through what you're going through. You might just get the insight, that proves the point that sometimes, the families of alcoholics end up actually sicker than the alcoholic. The proof is in the fact that you're still with him after all the incidents you've mentioned in your first post. How many women who are proud, dignified, self-confident and successful in their own right, do you think would stay with someone who treated them the way you've been treated? I've been with my wife for 43 years, through all the drinking and thus far in recovery. Never layed a hand on her! Why? Because I had more respect for her than to do that. I've never even so much as thought about calling her a bitch or any other frequently used putdown I hear all to often these days.
IMO, you need to kick this guy to the curb, before the sun sets. Get yourself out of there and somewhere safe. Love yourself enough to do what's in your best interest. Thank God, there aren't any kids in the picture which brings me to another point. Place a piece of facial tissue between your knees and hold it there real tight to avoid that possibility.
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