AndrewBeen

Movies on video were part of my addiction. For a long period of time I used movie time with my wife as a time to got plotzed. In other words, more cocktails sipped during the movies, after having had a bottle of wine at dinner and cocktail(s) before that. It is pretty easy to fit in 6-8 drinks in a regular evening without anyone really noticing. Yes, I hold my liquor "well".

This progressed to watching videos later at night alone, again more drinks. I'd watch a small set of films over and over, and these stories became alternate worlds that, with enough libation, I could enter and navigate. I could even feel emotion while inside these stories, in a way I could no longer in the real world. The themes of the films revolved around hallucination and death. Once my mom, who is in her late seventies, found me watching one night while she was visiting, and found me transfixed, glassy-eyed and sobbing. She reacted with uncomprehending horror: "My God", she thought, "he has finally gone insane." (The films were: Vanilla Sky, Traffic, Mulholland Drive, Tokyo Story, Winter Light, The Last Waltz,Kill Bill Vol 1.)

I have been avoiding films during my struggle to regain my sanity. Obviously it has poor association for me, it is my alcoholic nest. Also quite frankly, the level of alcohol required for me to feel right is such that I can no longer reliably follow a story. So I have stayed away.

Last night I watched a film for the first time not drunk or hungover. It was a pretty good film. I enjoyed it. Toward the end I found myself near tears yet again, but in a different way. I realized that I was able to respond to the film in a non crazy way, not projecting my own dreamworld on it, but open to what it had to say to me. I think I responded emotionally not just to the content of the film but in happiness and gratitude that I could feel again. Feel anything. And was grateful that I was able to feel and not be terrified of having emotion.

Beginning to emerge from the crater and feel the fresh breeze on my face again.

CarolD

how our minds heal as we progress in sobriety.

By the end of my drinking...
I could not concentrate on the storu line and seldom remembered the ending.

If it was a TV story I got confused when the commercials were on.

In sobriety I became a re run junkie as they were all new to me!

2dayzmuse

I could never remember the endings either. I was always rewinding the next day to rewatch it to see what happened. I could always remember up to a certain point and a few minutes after...the curtain would just close.

I remember years and years ago, there were two really good made for TV movies on two different channels. My mother in law and I had a discussion on which one we thought we would watch. The next day she asked me which one I watched? I couldn't remember. I kinda hemmed and hawed a bit and said I had fallen a sleep. She looked at me like I was crazy. I guess I was...

KelKel

I love film... but I still get reminders of my blackouts and numbed-out state of being while drinking.
I will get a film from Netflix and my hubby will say "Honey we already watched this" I have no recollection of some of those films...
I am glad to be of a clearer mind these days and I can honestly say that I remember what film I watched last night....

4health

I had similar experiences to Carol, Days and Muse. However, I'd read books too and black out. Would have to re-read the parts I'd TRIED to read. Sometimes I would find myself just bawling like a baby over a book. Of course some of the contents were such that one would normally cry while reading but the extent of crying may not have been so exagerated.

AndrewBeen

By the way, the film a mentioned at the top of the thread was "Crash" which came out earlier this year. It was a bit corny at times but I thought it was pretty powerful and recommend it to all.

SPF 77

Interesting thread...reminds me that I have never seen the Movie "The ButterFly Effect", sober....and I have seen it (that I can remember) probably close to two dozen times.

I always liked it because of the intense negative emotion invovled with it while I was drunk....like AndrewBeen was talking about...I could get rapped up in the story and lose myself...

There are other titles I'm sure but that's the one that comes strongest to mind.

AndrewBeen

Scary movie, SPF. Haven't worked up the guts to see it. But I can see how it could take you down a hole.

UrbanFool

I think I saw South Pacific somewhere around 80 times before I realized the guy (George Pepard?) died at the end --and that wasn't until I saw the theater version. I have a habit of turning them on and wandering off.

Also, don't pull a DVD out of the middle of two stacks of about 200 DVDs. I had a crisis here last night, and the macaw is probably still deciding which one to eat.

I should probably take care of that now.

mrs mipsy

Such an interesting thread...can relate to bloody all of them. Like Kelkel, I've hired movies out of the store only to be told by my non-alcoholic boyfriend that we've seen them before-maybe even a couple of months earlier. People ask me if I've seen a certain movie...I can't remember. The 'Lets get a movie out darling' trick is also part of my behaviour. We do, then we need wine and nibbles. Christ knows how the movie ends. It's such a sly way of getting hammered (which my demon justifies to me as 'At least you're not alone, listening to music, crying and opening the 4th bottle).

If I've watched Singing In The Rain once I've watched it at least 100 times. I've been Gene, Debby & Don! I can dance, dance, fall over and never once broke my ankle...Lucky Huh??? Such an idiot.

Thanks for sharing Andrew, made me realise this part of my behaviour is not just something I do (or did in your case.)

fraankie

well, it's time for a change
what i did, after getting some time in AA
was start watching different movies
there were musicals,
i love "CATS", etc
comedies, classics
"the maltese falcon", humphey bogart is the best
so
it may be time to broaden your horizions
and then there is always a good book

best
fraankie

Jerry K

Consider going to the movies, the actual theater with your wife.

Since my sobriety, we try and go each Friday afternoon followed by a dinner out. This has done wonders for our relationship, now approaching our 35 wedding annivsary next February.

2Step

I had to replay that movie 6 times before I finally got to the ending, I'd get drunk and wander off. I remember the part where the cop saved the black girl from the car, too bad I don't remember the ending of the movie.

I also have my share off movies that I always watched when I was drunk. I think two of them I've put in at least 75 times, maybe seen the ending of each twice.

When I'm sober I don't feel like watching those particular movies at all.

AndrewBeen

Remember it's a sneaky syndrome -- the movie ploy is just the wolf in sheep's clothing: "Gee we are just a nice well adjusted couple with a contented home life watching videos together." NOT! In reality I was a substance abuser who liked the fact that video watching entails a darkened room, passive stimuli, and my partner with me but not focussed on me so I can go about our nefarious habit.

Of course for me things got truely wierd when I started watching DVDs alone in front of the computer, the booze tucked secretly behind the monitor as the dreamworld unfolded.

AndrewBeen

2step, I think I would have a hard time following the movie while drinking -- too many characters. The cop saving the black girl is only about half way through the movie by the way, LOL! You should see it.

By the way, which were your 2 addiction movies?

mrs mipsy

I agree totally Andrew, I completely understand the nature of my (this) behaviour, which makes understand even more how insipidly and cruely the demon inside me can manifest itself. Thanks for sharing.

SPF 77

Yeah I would highly recommend it...powerful movie...the critics blasted it, but that's just becuase they like movies with fake saccaharine happy endings which have no resemblance to real life.


I have yet to see "Crash" but I've heard some good things.

Retro_Girl

I used to watch films and get entirely into them while drinking wine or cocktails. I would feel the emotions too. Total escape from reality. Mine were Jane Eyre, Age of Innocence, Ethan Frome, Amadeus etc...I would start in the afternoon and then go until late. My husband would come home and say, " you're watching this again??" LOL

KelKel

"Jane Eyre, Age of Innocence, Ethan Frome, Amadeus etc..."
Now the name Retro-Girl makes total sense

UrbanFool

Dunno... I'm pretty convinced the main character has to die for the movie to win an Academy Award.