Rimmy

Hello Good Folks,

This was some reading, but very helpful and informative.

My name is Aaron and I'm 32. I first got drunk in 8'th grade and continued to use it socially throughout high school... I guess I didn't see the dangers as I was young and still very active in school activities (sports, art clubs, even mathletes.. lol).

But in college, my longtime girlfriend missed me and broke up with me, so I just hung with the guys on campus getting drunk all the time.

After college, I worked hard, but always had a bunch of brew's after work and drank on the weekends...

In January 1998, I started my own business (it was out of the garage to get started, but I had bigger plans down the road). Then my 9 month old was diagnosed with Leukemia. Long story short, she passed away 9 months later and my wife and I got crazy for a while... mainly drinking, pot and ecstacy.

I ran my business still and made enough to get by, and after some counceling for me (the wife wouldn't), I was able to see what our self destruction was leading to and talk my wife off the hard stuff... again I was blind and I didn't respect the alcohol as "hard" stuff.

Seven years later, I'm pretty bad off in the amount that I drink. But my tolerance is so high from a lifetime of drinking that I "function" still. I party till 1:00am or 2:00am, pass out and get up at 8:00 for work the next day. I still run the business out of the garage, have a beautiful healthy 4 year old daughter, am still with the same woman, 3 cars...

So what's the problem? I get up in the morning, grab a beer, go in the garage and start working. My wife sleeps till 10:00 so it's so easy. I'll have 2 or 3 by the time I wake her up, and I make sure I have an extra already in the garage, or if I forgot, when she goes upstairs to get her coffee, I zoom in and grab one.

Like clockwork, she's on the bowl an hour later and I sneak in and grab another. Over the course of the day, when I hear those footsteps upstairs, or she runs out to get the mail, I'm sneaking beers. I've even kept full 18 packs in the garage to replace them so she won't notice them missing..

All in all, by dinner, I'm already at 8 or 9 beers (I only drink bud light because I don't feel as crummy the next day). After dinner, I can drink freely... and I do. She'll drink 5 or so beers a night max.. and the last week straight, we've gone through a 30 pack a day.

The only reason I say all this in detail is to show you how low a person can go... even a good person. And it's making me feel better to get this off my chest.

For a while now, I have started to see my faults. Not so much in not working hard, but for not working harder. Not so much for not seeing my family, but for not seeing them more. Not so much for not being successful, but for not being successful enough.

For a while now, I just find myself saying out loud,"how do other people find enough time in a day" and feeling overwhelmed with the same workload I used to handle easily. We used to go to concerts and the beach and now it seems like a big night out is impossible to plan. Granted, we have a daughter, but again, other people seem to do it, why not us?

Anyway, I have decieded to be the better person finally. I've been mulling it over for a long time now, making up excuse after excuses like "but I function" and "I get enough done". I mean, I know I have to want to do this for it to happen and I finally do. Drinking has become more of a burden and monitary expense than a whoot whoot fun thing to do. It just doesn't make sense anymore, but honestly I've never had much support... at least not that I saw.

Well, I stopped yesterday finally after a few morning beers. I just got pissed off at losing the control... at laughing at myself at night for how stuped it is and saying, tomorrow, I just wont...

And I wake up and it's just another day. I'm bored with this, but I'm gonna be coming here for support for sure because after a hellish night last night, and a damn rough day, I already am craving.

I got no sleep last night... I could sleep for 5 or 10 minutes at a time and would wake up and have to walk around to get my bearings.. go dry heave a bit... try to sip some water... lay back down and start all over. I finally slept straight through from 7am this morning till 9am, but still felt like crap.. nausia, dry heaves, headache, so hungry but unable to eat.

I worked through it though (literally worked). I finally ate some eggs with seltzer and that eased most of the cramps, although still very queezy. My head has stopped being really bad and my fingers arn't trembling as much.

So that's where I'm at... Not sure if I'll get worse again tonight... I know what I need to do, but whenever I look past tonight, I see me with a damn beer in my hand. I guess once I'm feeling better, It'll be easier for me to find the new me..... I hope. I know this is the right thing to do, but I was just looking for support. I won't go to AA because it's right next to my uncle's house.

If you reply, I promise to never be this long winded again.. and thanks in advance to hopefully not judging me for lying and hiding my drinking. I really am a good guy.

Regards,
Aaron

CarolD

Welcome! Congratulations for seeking a sober life!

Please read our post..ask questions..and do keep sharing.

I can relate to the 'settleing for less' feeling.
Had I not been a drunk..I might have become the 1st female President!

being in AA has given me a purpose and a zest for living that is fantastic!!

Others will be along soon...again Welcome!

jmhs002

Welcome Aaron!
Stick around, read some posts - you will find that many of us have been where you are right now. I drank pretty much every day for the last 10 years or so, and now have around 18 weeks of sobriety - it gets better every day, although it is not easy. If you really really really want it, you can do it! I wish you luck!!
JMHS

Chy

Welcome Aaron! You'll get a lot of support here! So very glad you found us! Keep posting!

livlaphluv

and welcome! Of course your a good guy!! Don't beat yourself up about this. Alcoholism is a disease so go easy on yourself. I really related to your story. Alcohol has not destroyed my life in terms of family and job. Since I was a weekend binge drinker I was able to take care of all my obligations. What alcohol did do though is destroy my spirit. I used it to suppress years and years of sadness, regret, guilt... The list goes on and on. As a part of my recovery now I have to face those demons once and for all. If I don't then eventually I will drink again to numb. I used to joke every Friday...Time to go home and get comfortablt numb. Really it wasn't a joke though. And I would sneak beers or hide empty cans so my husband didn't know how much I was really drinking. I remember one morning he said 'you drank 12 beers last night??' (I guess I wasn't on my game too well the night before!) But it did make me sit down and think hard about what I was doing.

Anyway, Aaron your here because you want something better for yourself. You are a good person who deserves better!! Keep coming back, the people here are wonderful and we all understand your pain and the struggle to stay sober. Don't give up on yourself and think of your beautiful 4 year old!

Stay strong, stay sober

livlaphluv

findingout

Welcome Aaron! Judge you? I am you. Or at least I went through the same drinking experience, starting where you did and ending up where you did, right down to the waking up and having beers in the morning in order to function and attempting to hide it. People who live in glass houses learn not to throw stones.

I'm glad you are here. It's sad that the only A.A. meeting you know about is right next to your uncle's house because A.A. could really help you if you are willing to try it with an open mind. What is the worst thing that could happen if your uncle knew you attended an A.A. meeting? I am almost positive that your head would not explode and you would not fall off the face of the earth

One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless,
Tony

Rimmy

Thanks for all your positive responses! I got through last night pretty well. At one point, I did open a beer and took a sip, but the taste made me think of coming here today and feeling guilty and lying to you all... not to mention about what I really really want for myself. So I dumped it out and that was a refreshing thing to do.

I found some things to do and went to bed at my normal time... around 1:00. Because of the lack of sleep the night before and working through feeling crummy, I fell right asleep. I slept till 4:00 and was kinda wide awake though. I slept in and out till 8 with some really wacky dreams, but at least I woke up refreshed.

And I can honestly say that I wen't to the fridge NOT wanting a beer. It feels good to feel good. It's been so long... I'm heading out on a job estimate that I've been blowing off because I was never wanting to drive there because I was always drinking.

I'm glad that I feel so much better after just a few days too.... I'm glad I only drank Bud Light, or just have a fast recovery...

So, my journey begins. I still don't think this will be easy, but with your support, it really helps. This is a good thing you set up here, and Thank You.

Regards,
Aaron

michaelj

AAron,

Welcome to SR, you have found a great place for advice and support from people who have untold experience of the physical, mental and emotional sides of sobriety. I for one will not be judging you, I was you as well and I need judgment like I need a beer.
I really related to the way you drank and deceived those around you. There is no creature more cunning than the thirsty alcoholic.
Alcohol does such strange things to us and one of the bizarre things it did to me was to shorten my life. By that I mean that when I was drinking my life was flashing past in a blur of work, drink, home, drink, bed, work etc etc. Having stopped drinking my life has slowed down dramatically. I have far more time for me and my family and for that I am grateful.
I hope you start to sleep better soon. Those wakeful hours in the night give your mind too many things to worry over and I will take a weird dream any day over that. Speaking for myself my sleep pattern improved immensely after a few days and I sleep better now than I have done for many years.
Let us know how you are getting on
Michael

NoMoBeer

Hey, another beer-a-holic. Just like me. Don't believe the hype -- booze is booze...!

For me, I needed AA to get sober, and it helps my real problems -- thinking and living, the booze is just a symptom.

I know you drank at home (same as I did), but let me ask you a question: If you were a bar drinker, and drank there every night, and the only bar was next to your Uncle's house, would you go? My money says yes.

And if you truly live in NY (says that on your screenname), there's TONS of meetings around!

AA helps me to be sober and live sober. You're holding it together now (I know, I was a VERY functioning alkie), but eventually the booze will win...

Keep coming back here and letting us know how you're doing -- welcome!

Ken

QueenShenique

Hey Aaron--welcome home--you've found a whole family of people who share the same disease and most of us share the same solution. As you have heard already--we are people who do not react in a sane manner when it comes ot alcohol--we are physically and mentally different than so called normal drinkers. Once we start drinking we find it difficult/impossible to stop--that's because the alcohol sets off the phenomenom of "craving"--and if that was bad enough--we are suffering from the disease of denial which says--I don't have it, or it's not that bad. If you are not ready to attend an AA meeting just yet--why not get the Big Book of AA and start reading--I think you will find it informative and possibly life changing. Please keep us posted and know we are with you in spirit. Blessings

Don S

Hi, Aaron,
Thanks for your post. You have nothing to apologize for. Lots of people lurk on these forums, and some of them read through it and saw themselves there.
There are lots of resources about recovery available online. I like SMART Recovery, others here use LifeRing and SOS. I guess you don't qualify for Women For Sobriety. Some people even find the Rational Recovery site useful.
Some of the sites have online meetings, and there are some available here through SR as well. So there are lots of ways to make contact with others like yourself, and posting here each day is useful as well.
Here's a link that compares some of the recovery groups and has links to their sites:
http://rrci.net/recovery_spectrum.htm

Take care, and keep in touch,
Don S

sunshinebluesky

if you were that successful drinking, think what you can do not drinking!!!!! you have no idea how much i commend you for realizing what it was affecting. and while you are still young enough to not suffer some of the very long term effects. please keep at it, it does my heart so much good to see people who can see it for what it really is.
i am so sorry about your daughter. i have a nephew that was diagnosed at five with leukemia,and has been in remission for years--he's now in his thirties, and one of my good friends had her daughter diagnosed about the same age a few years later, and she lost her battle fairly quickly.

Rimmy

wow, you are all so supportive. I hope you will be when I tell you this...

I had a great day. Like I said, I had breakfast for the first time in a long time, showered and shaved (not that I didn't before, but I wasn't groggy from the night before) and got right to work. After just a few days clean, my day was just a more organized planned out day. It wasn't based around my beer run or beer itself. I still don't physically feel 100% yet, but I felt very good about myself.

Yes during the day, I had a few cravings. Stupid little cravings that would go away if I kept myself busy, but I had them. But after work at 5:00 (I try to keep a regular schedule even though I work from home), I had to mow the lawn. I havn't mowed the lawn in ages without a beer and a hop in the pool... I told my wife I wanted a beer bad and she said just work through it. I did at first.. I pulled out the mower, I went inside to bring out a seltzer and saw a beer stashed in the back corner... and I swiped it and snuck into the garage like a loser and slammed it down really fast and mowed the lawn.... Where's the damn willpower!

I got pretty mad and agited when it wore off.. at dinner I told my wife. She apologized for leaving one in the fridge and said I should have come to her for support. She still thinks that having one like that is no big deal, but it's not what I'm trying to do so it's wrong. I got all anxious before... not sure if it was just evening nerves from quitting or from drinking one beer.

But I wanted to tell you guys as you all are part of my support group. I don't feel like a bad person or anything, but with all the support you are giving me, I feel ashamed. I don't want to be all talk. Giving others advice today just makes me feel like a bigger moron... Practice what you preach and all.. damn.

Tears have been shed as I type this.. gheeze... what the hell. Well, I have no desire to drink tonight, and tomorrow starts a new day. I think I'll do better if I keep in mind how I felt this evening. I know that I can do this, it's just wierd... it feels wierd.

Anyway, michaelj, I so know what you mean by life flashing by. This already feels like the longest day in a long time, at least in regards to how much I accomplished. And I still have tonight, so I'm going to do my business records (Sales Tax Due Monday arrrrghh). I think I'm going to start some art projects again too. I used to paint, sculpt... I need to fill this time. Thanks for your words.

Ken, yeah... I'd be at the bar. And if he didn't approve, I'd be sneaking in the back door. I'm so glad I was never a bar person... I used to be, but coming home smashed was gonna put my family on the line, so I became a shut-in.

QueenShenique and Don S, thanks for the words and the information... I will most certainly look into it, especially if I falter again.

SunShineBlueSky, It's so nice to hear about a success story. I'm very happy for your nephew and sorry for your friend. That's a tough road to go down, even for a survivor, always wondering. Damn, it's rough. But thank you too for your kind words. You all are REALLY REALLY helping me, be it your words, or me speaking about it to others who understand.

THANK YOU
Aaron

NoMoBeer

Then if you'd go to that bar and not be embarrassed, why on Earth would you be embarrassed going to an AA meeting?

and, oh yeah -- willpower vs. alcohol ---> willpower will lose every time.

Rimmy

ehh, I guess because when we'd go over there and party, they would always be making fun of the people walking in.. not out loud, but I guess it's engrained in me that people sort of frown on alcoholics. I suppose it's easier for me to admit that I have faults sort of anonomously. Worrying about what others think of me is probably part of why I started drinking in the first place.

I'm not ruling it out either... it's been just a few days for me, so I have a lot of decisions and changes to make.

And yes, I have to, at least until I have better control, make sure the temptations are not a fridge door away.

Regards,
Aaron

Time2Surrender

Hi Aaron,welcome to SoberRecovery.We are having a SoberRecovery round-up in New York City June 25th.If you would like to hang out with some sober people from this site send me a PM and I will give you the details.We also have several threads in General Recovery.

CarolD

Hi...You are not a failure and most of us did not keep sober at our first try.

For me to stay in sobriety..
I had to turn my addiction over to God and AA.

Keep going forward....you can do this!

tyler

Yes Rimmy, you can do this. The important thing when you slip is that you learn something from it. Think about what you were feeling when you reached for that beer and why you did it. It wasn't what you wanted to do, yet you did it anyway. Think about what was going through your head when you reached for that beer even though you knew it was going against what you were trying so hard to do.

Recovery is a process much like walking. If you fall down, you get up and walk some more. You have the power in you to do this, if you really make that decision. Just re-enforce in yourself that you are now a person who does not drink. It is really a small thing when you look at the whole big world that you live in. As an alcoholic it becomes a big part of your life, but in your new life as a non-drinker it will become a smaller and smaller. You can do this. Take care.

roadie58

Thanks for your posts and please don't apologize for being detailed. It helps others to see themselves in your writing, as you are very descriptive. You are right where you need to be. Pleae understand that for some, relapse is part of understand how bad it can get. I was a drinker/drugger and it has taken like three years of AA and constant relapses for me to reach my low and say NO MORE. Please try an AA meeting in your area, if you don't like that one, go to another. They say, try AA for 30 days and if you still don't like it, we will cheerfully refund your misery.

Good luck , keep on posting.

Rimmy

Hello all,

Thanks for all your reinforcement and continued support. I like the comment of how simple it is to just remind myself "I'm just a person who no longer drinks". That simple. I will keep that in mind throughout the day today.

Last night was fine, except it bothered me that I'm still drinking a lot of seltzer... as much as if they were beers. I realized I was doing the same motion, just with a substitute liquid. It just seemed like everytime I subconciously reached next to me for a sip of something (yes, I keep doing that), I at least wanted to sip something. If there was nothing there, I'd feel empty. At least the seltzer I could take a sip of. Maybe that will pass. But for now, it's not alcohol.

I slept good last night.. lots of dreams which wierd or not, I do enjoy. As long as not horriffic, I've always enjoyed when I dreamed.

This morning, i have a lot of anxiety. It seems I have to re-learn how to deal with the little things that I used to be able to just say,"eh, screw it" or "whatever" to. Now they seem overly important to the point I should'nt be worked up, but I am. It's not necessarily making me want a drink, but I do remember if I felt like this before, I'd grab one to relax. Now I'll have to find a new way to cope with these emotions because I don't really want to be medicated at the moment. This could just be part of the early withdrawl process too I guess.

Oh well, here's to starting over at day 1 again... damn, that sounded like a toast! It wasn't, I swear! lol

Thanks again for the support and informations,
Aaron