davaidavai

My life never really took off since giving up alcohol. It will be five years this September. Five years without a drink, although I have had several 'near beers'. There is also alcohol in my Valerian root tincture. I also enjoy the smell of freshly administered hand sanitizer. It has been 11 years since my first endeavors at giving up the sauce, begun here back when I had a career type thing. Back when I was clutching toilet bowls and closing one eye to stop the room from spinning. I had a sort of fraudulent self-esteem. Perhaps I should have kept going. I just felt like a turd in the eyes of others, and this sense became too overwhelming to continue. A child crapped on by society will nurture that negative role until it eventually becomes too much, or it works out.

But I think alcohol is but one small factor in a life, and people succeed or fail despite themselves. Some rise drunk. Others sober. Other people sink to the bottom drunk, sober. We like to think we are in control. We tell ourselves things. Nevertheless, sometimes, I get this feeling of peace. Like even if, in sobriety there isn't much, I want to go deeper into the not-much-ness of it. An abundance of emptiness. A quiet street. An observation of the cracks in the sidewalk. The books on my floor. Nobody. Suffering is far more available than this feeling. I must learn to welcome the suffering.

The other commodity is sadness, which reminds me a lot of the sadness of childhood. It is foundational. If sadness is foundational, shouldn't I start there? Fret. Fret over my parents. Inability to do much about anything. It's a nostalgic feeling. Like being a kid. It is truth. Not the requisite raging flare up that seems to pass for happiness. But not everyone is gifted with that. With that talent, to maintain that impervious bloat, like a riverboat on the Mississippi full of gamblers.

There is also an odd gratitude, not to drink. At least I'm not doing that. This is a very Zen sort of self-abnegating and humorous little non victory. Gratitude for the cleanly baseline non-attainment. For the chance to feel sadness. For not doing something other people are enjoying. It's silly and egoic too.

This isn't for everybody! Sobriety happens, or it doesn't. It's just this thing. Like a wave carrying me off to nowhere. Excelsior.

pline

I get that.
I've found sober life a grey plod too.
Thjis seems to be something slightly inadmissable a lot of the time.

Only way is try and find a way to make something of the new and strange situation.

Five years......you've done well to stick with it feeling as described.

Dee74

I think you've done well too David.

I can't really explain it but, for me, looking back, stopping drinking was the precursor to change for me, not the change itself.

What sobriety did do was give me the clarity to work out where I wanted to be and the courage to follow new ideas.

D

vxper

Sobriety for me was the means not the end and I remember the feelings you describe; The same sort of "Well, what now" existence 2 or 3 years in. I realized that, at least for me, all of these addictions and pursuits of my youth were stand ins or false idols of true meaning in life; A series of nothing "friends", endless hours of nothing conversations or worse just simply nothing, sitting alone in my apartment completely sedated. My sober life didn't really start getting serious until I came to terms that since these lies were no longer available I had to sit down and face the hard questions of who am I, why am I here and what am I meant to do with this life? The answers to these aren't easy and may be different for each of us, but if we don't ask those questions then I feel we will always be left sitting lost on the starting line.

Grymt

Interesting and poetic. It reminds me of a room with an entrance but no clear exit where people mill about looking for….



In order to progress to the next level a couple of things are important.



Relax. These ponderings are empty. They come and go.



Be wary of priming yourself for a relapse. ANY amount of alcohol can do that. Dangerous for an alcoholic.



Have a clear set of virtues that guide you out of the room or level you are at. The basic five. Abstain from killing, lying, stealing, harmful sex and intoxicants ( which make all of the above easier ). Also actively do good things and in the process continue to be mindful of the continual change in all things.

steve-in-kville

I spent 15 years as a heavy drinker. I was simply surviving. After I got sober, I discovered I had to either "re-invent" myself or "re-discover" who I was... or in my case, some of both. I am still figuring it all out.

davaidavai

All very true. I think it's taken me five years to let go just a little. I remember as a kid the teacher read to us Where the Red Fern Grrows, about that kid with his blood hounds who would tree racoons. And then he'd sell the pelts, or something. I don't completely remember. But I remember that one of the ways to trap a racoon was to put a shiny object inside a log and the racoon would rather clutch that thing than let go. This is what people are like.

VikingGF

I loved that book. I think it was my first glimpse into how hard life could be, and yet, still hopeful. Little Ann and Old Dan.

I think some people are like racoons, but fortunately, not everyone.

5 years is a good, long time and I hope to be like you one day, davaidavai. I hope you can find some peace though- the theme of the book you speak of is essentially hopeful despite the tragedy in its pages. Life is hard, the key is being determined to find the good and fostering it like that little fern those dogs left behind.

BullDog777

I get what you're saying. Most of sobriety is kinda boring and redundant but that beats the s#!t out having seizures, puking and shaking 24/7.

I enjoy the quiet and boring now. It's almost peaceful. A far cry from the self inflicted chaos of my youth.

davaidavai

These things are true. The quiet is better. The failure is hard for me though. To always go with less. To always be alone. I'm not doing that stuff anymore. But I still live like I did in my 20s. A little room. I always felt like a fraud and was often outright scorned. Much was self inflicted. Much was just being viewed as lower. Being that person. The bullied kid. The kid with the messed up parents. The smallest. The borderline autistic or whatnot. This is hard to overcome for me, this sense of my own inferiority. It so often seemed born out, especially before the drinking. So I don't really dare try for anything more. I try to remove the expectations. I would like to have more of an abundant life, a decent home, a job, but I don't feel competent or capable. I am amazed by other people, their energy, how they fit in, are valued, loved, and I feel so deeply inferior. Previously I felt angry, resentful. I suppose I am gradually learning to pay attention. I want to leave NYC, but I'm afraid of it.

Zencat

5 yrs
Dav, I have had depression symptom that you describe as your mood and the unfortunate circumstances you endure.
I had no self-worth and had given up on life. What I have learned that there is a treatment for any type of emotional distress. Treatments that bolster emotional/mental health. Stopping using was just the tip of my problems. I have to do some deep cleaning in order to heal. Very emotionally draining work that I will continue to do. I hope the best for you

BullDog777

It seems like what you have is a response to a lifetime of trauma that you've most likely internalized, and that's created a self doubt that you ought not have. Yet, most of us do. For me specifically, it's a by product of PTSD. People who have been bullied and traumatized have a heightened response to outside negative stimulus. Think of it like this. There is a dog that has been yelled at and slapped every time it does something the owner doesn't like.The dog responds to the trauma by being fearful and hyper sensitive to stress. The dog often does not know what to do. People are no different.

These behaviors take a long time to turn around. Once a person is traumatized, they have to learn to reprocess the trauma so it doesn't hinder their ability to live a happy life. It took me 7 years of therapy to get this. High spectrum Autism runs in my family. Two of my cousins have it, an uncle, a nephew and my father had it. I think I fall somewhere in the spectrum too.

Some of this improves when you start to make small goals for yourself and attain them. Confidence evolves from performance. Prove to you, that you can do hard things and you will feel better. I recommend as much therapy as you can get. If you can't afford it, recovery groups like this one is awesome. Self help books can be good too as long as you keep things in the proper perspective.

davaidavai

Thanks for the words of kindness. It means a lot to me. And the advice. What you say is true about trauma and the need for support. I need someone who is capable of listening and hearing.

This evening I told my 74 year old father that I needed something else as a kid. I needed more help. He flew into a rage just as before and said he was always there, always having this conversation, again and again. It's funny because this is how he always was. He'd always say that he's always having this discussion with me. In his head, I am constantly pestering him. I am driving him crazy. Except for when he was on drugs, and then he was sort of inert, until he ran out of money and became homeless. Then, he wasn't always on drugs, and the times he wasn't, he was demanding small sums of money.

Perhaps I inherited the same curtailed awareness and that's why I'm possibly viewed as inferior. I'm a shy little nobody, or I'm a reflection of him. He was so effective at policing that boundary and establishing his need that no one comment. His parents sent him money until they died, and after they died, he flew out high on meth to rummage their possessions for valuables.

I usually just worshipped him, doted on his every word. He always had to get off the phone. And now, I'm here, waiting to be helpful to him, and I have nothing. And he was always there. Huh.

trailmix

In the Friends and Family forum we call this "going to the hardware store to get bread".

You can't expect the person who hurt you to help you/fix this.

There are a lot of great, warm, people in the world, including on these forums. Those are the people that will help, they are the ones to align yourself with perhaps.

davaidavai

Yes, that is true. It's been hard for me to accept good people. My father should have never read William S. Burroughs. I think it was a really bad influence.

It's funny. I have very little. But it's like at last I am beginning to accept that this here little room is my environmental truth. It's what I'm capable of and adapted to. What do I expect? What did anyone expect? I saw how I was viewed, as a kind of underling and butt of jokes. Welp, it was all sort of true. It became true. That's what happens.

It feels like having my feet on the ground. The true bottom. Is that an AA thing? It should be. There is hitting your bottom, and then there is finding your true bottom, which is the truth of the role you were given. The underlying code. And then from there, maybe there is an exit, or entrance.