need to tell someone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 476
need to tell someone
okay this is really hard to say and I'm afraid I'm going to get made fun of but I have to tell someone. I'm feeling confused because I have been having fantasys of becoming a woman. I even gave my self a female name. I have always cross dressed. when I say fantasy I mean living as a woman. I'm not sure if this is real. I've always dreamed about what if I was a woman. this is really hard to say but mabey it's true. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know sometimes I am certain and sometimes I think no way. I am not going to do anything perment ethier. any way the main fear how do I talk about this with my sponsor when we do my 5 th step. I'm sure this will be something he has never heard I n the 25 years he been sponsoring men..I feel I can't keep this a secret I feel this is a secret it will keep me sick if I do. mabey this is why I can't realt to guys. I'm not gay I'm hetro sexual so that makes it even more confusing. I'm not asking understanding just support. please don't make fun of me.
David
David
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hey David,
you are not alone! i have no idea where you live and what resources are available to you, but can tell you there are lotsof people with those feelings and thoughts. there are resources available through health centres, mental health organizations, LGBTQ community centres and such that can direct you to people who it is safe to talk with about this.
it is not a “wrong” for purpose of the fifth step. not a defect, not a failing. not something to be “confessed to”.
if you want to share it with your sponsor, do. if you feel unsafe doing so, then that is something to think seriously about, what this relationship is about if you don’t trust him. a sponsor’s job is to guide through the steps, and not about judging you. especially if you’re trying to figure out something big about yourself.
one thing you could do, maybe, is attend an lgbtq AA meeting a few times and ask to speak with a person there afterwards when you hear someone who makes sense to you?
you are not alone! i have no idea where you live and what resources are available to you, but can tell you there are lotsof people with those feelings and thoughts. there are resources available through health centres, mental health organizations, LGBTQ community centres and such that can direct you to people who it is safe to talk with about this.
it is not a “wrong” for purpose of the fifth step. not a defect, not a failing. not something to be “confessed to”.
if you want to share it with your sponsor, do. if you feel unsafe doing so, then that is something to think seriously about, what this relationship is about if you don’t trust him. a sponsor’s job is to guide through the steps, and not about judging you. especially if you’re trying to figure out something big about yourself.
one thing you could do, maybe, is attend an lgbtq AA meeting a few times and ask to speak with a person there afterwards when you hear someone who makes sense to you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 476
thank you so much I've been feeling such shame over this, I feel guilty I have these thoughts and wonder if I'm just sick and delusional. it's only recently ive been thinking I might be trans, but I realize I always wished I could be female. my sponsor is great but he is just a typical guy. I don't think he would condme me but it's a real fear. I feel I need to share this since it's really bothers me and I feel it's a real reason why I drank and feel the need to escape who I am. I'm going to tell him because my life is on the line and secrets kept me sick. I'm scared but thier is a sence of calm that envelopes me when I think about sharing this. I feel my higher power presence when I think about my 5th step I know I'm not alone. I can't live my life seeking others approval acting as a hurt kid who was damaged by the world. mabey I'm finally getting honest with myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
it's a process, David, this figuring out of oneself. sometimes people know it early and accept it, many times there are feelings/thoughts that we consider unacceptable and push away.
it does not help that many others, ofyen our families and society around us, are prejudiced, condemning, ignorant and arrogant about so much.
i am a queer person, though not trans, so have experienced some of the condemnarion and non-acceptance that is thrown around and targeted. there's no denying that exists.
there's also no denying YOU exist, in whatever form and way that turns out to be.
i'm glad you're here, talking about your experience. there is support out there for you to help with figuring out how to go forward.
when i finally decided to go to AA and do the step stuff, after checking out many different meetings i settled on a fairly new one, for queer and trans folk. really
empowering to be in a roomful of people who have been where you're at, with similar questions, fears and confusions, but who are there to share their common solution to their life with alcoholism and who are moving forward in hope and strength.
wishing you well!
it does not help that many others, ofyen our families and society around us, are prejudiced, condemning, ignorant and arrogant about so much.
i am a queer person, though not trans, so have experienced some of the condemnarion and non-acceptance that is thrown around and targeted. there's no denying that exists.
there's also no denying YOU exist, in whatever form and way that turns out to be.
i'm glad you're here, talking about your experience. there is support out there for you to help with figuring out how to go forward.
when i finally decided to go to AA and do the step stuff, after checking out many different meetings i settled on a fairly new one, for queer and trans folk. really
empowering to be in a roomful of people who have been where you're at, with similar questions, fears and confusions, but who are there to share their common solution to their life with alcoholism and who are moving forward in hope and strength.
wishing you well!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
You're not sick or delusional. You are who you are. Simple as that. However, I'm not of the opinion that your sponsor needs to know "everything". If your sponsor isn't the right guy to tell, then find someone you can tell who won't judge you. There are plenty of LGBT groups out there who can lend support. There's no need to go through this alone, but at the same time, you always have to ask yourself "Is telling a guy who may not understand -good for my sobriety or bad for my sobriety?"
If you know or suspect he may not understand, it could be bad for your sobriety.
We live in a time where it can be dangerous to be trans and I hate that it's like that. My addiction counselor and my daughter's therapist is trans and she's one of 2 people out of dozens of mental health professionals who has ever been able to help me. She was also there for my daughter when she first came out as gay and then as bisexual. That woman saved my daughter's life and her contribution to my sobriety is immeasurable. She specializes in PTSD and substance abuse and she's also a combat veteran. If you need some assistance finding someone in your state or country, I can get some information from her. I see her tomorrow. Just let me know.
My advise to you would be to find some therapy with someone who can help you with gender affirming care. People who are on the fence about being trans often just need to sort out those feelings. It doesn't mean you have to transition to a woman or anything like that, but you owe it to yourself to sort it out with someone who won't judge you and can advise you in a healthy, professional manner how to address this.
If you know or suspect he may not understand, it could be bad for your sobriety.
We live in a time where it can be dangerous to be trans and I hate that it's like that. My addiction counselor and my daughter's therapist is trans and she's one of 2 people out of dozens of mental health professionals who has ever been able to help me. She was also there for my daughter when she first came out as gay and then as bisexual. That woman saved my daughter's life and her contribution to my sobriety is immeasurable. She specializes in PTSD and substance abuse and she's also a combat veteran. If you need some assistance finding someone in your state or country, I can get some information from her. I see her tomorrow. Just let me know.
My advise to you would be to find some therapy with someone who can help you with gender affirming care. People who are on the fence about being trans often just need to sort out those feelings. It doesn't mean you have to transition to a woman or anything like that, but you owe it to yourself to sort it out with someone who won't judge you and can advise you in a healthy, professional manner how to address this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2022
Posts: 115
I feel like in life we are taught and indoctrinated to adhere to so many things that its hard and rare to have strong feelings about yourself so listen! Explore! Be you!!! We are here for you! Never feel ashamed or keep you a secret its something coming from you so it's honest and pure. Don't ignore it!
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