100

I hate my life I feel so angry and so sad. I feel so desperate for a girl friend and feel convinced that would fix everything. I've Been alone for more than a decade and it hurts so much. i see others find love but not me. why because I'm a loser that's why. I'm pathetic I hate myself. yesterday I convinced myself a girl liked me at aa and mabey she does. she kinda fileted with me rubing my shoulders as before and after talking to me. I realize I was probably getting ahead of my self. I'm so obsessed with the idea that a relationship will fix me. I know it's not true because I'm clearly not mentally healthy. I'm afraid I'll be alone forever and I can't be happy alone not forever. I don't to be sober if I'm just going to be miserable. I never felt comfortable in my own skin even when I was sober.
David

Dee74

I dunno about you David but I had a lot of work to do on myself before I could present myself as a boyfriend option for some one else.
I was a hot mess.

I'd take this time to work on your recovery and your self esteem (the two go in hand in hand for a lot us)

Like attracts like.

Broken people attract broken people.
When you're 'right' within yourself chances are you'll attract someone right too.

100

the problem is I feel like I will never be right. I tried to get better before and it didn't work. I have no faith I will ever get better.
David

Dee74

its probably not going to happen overnight and it will take a concerted and consistent effort, David.

You said you feel you didn't do the steps right last time, so doing them properly this time is a start.
You may need to think about your mental health again too and get some opinions from your doctors.

No one is beyond help and no one is beyond some level of self-improvement, David

The more problems you can solve the easier your sober road will be

D

BrianinLondon

hi David, I think you need to do the steps again because what you are writing above is full of self pity and you are clearly 100% consumed in self right now. Which I get because I have been there but I don't think you will mind if I call you out on it - as the daily actions we take to get out of self often time involves calling BS on ourselves and / or our fellows. A kick up the backside if you will.

Going through my step 5 with my sponsor he would point out again and again - it's all about you isn't it? All I can hear is "me, me, me", "woe is me" etc. And he was right. It was destroying my soul. It's not just the self pity though - it's the envy of others, it's the greed, the sense of entitlement, the lack of acceptance that life isn't perfect.

The step 3 prayer we ask to be relieved of the bondage of self - and we first need to recognise that (a) we are in self and (b) that being in self like you are right now serves absolutely noone - and you least of all. Sorry to be harsh, but it is meant with your best interests in mind.

Hevyn

David, Please stop calling yourself a loser. A loser gives up easily & doesn't keep trying to make their life better.

I don't always feel comfortable in my own skin either, & I'm much older than you. I was always shy & self-conscious. Drinking seemed like an answer - but when I look back, I see it just made things worse & kept me from growing or maturing. I'm glad you're sober and facing your situation with a clear head, even if you don't like the way it's going right now. Things can change - keep walking forward.

100

i now realize everything I do is motivated by self interest. how I can get my way. I knew it but I didn't realize how pervasive my selfishness is. it's constantly David's will not my higher powers will. I want to change and I need the steps to access a spiritual awakening so I can change. I can't change on my own. I thought before that I wasn't selfish because I was nice but I use niceness to get my way without even realizing it. I'm starting with no more self pity.
David

Free2bme888

We all grow so much in our sobriety, you will too. Sometimes it is painful. Sometimes it’s a great moment of self realization that propels,us in the right direction.

On the weekenders thread, the title is “baby steps.” May be worth reading Mag’s opening post.

I wanted to feel “normal” after ONE DAY of not drinking. Then I thought maybe I’ll give it a week, and if not “better”, than eff it.

Who was I kidding? That was my AV calling me back.

Who was I kidding? I drank heavily for the better part of 20 years. I think five years sober is reasonable if I actively seek to grow and learn. Will my active recovery be over then? No, it’s a lifelong journey of continued peace (which doesn’t equate to no bad things, or heartbreak, or bummer days for no reason in particular), to feel feelings (which at first is SO WEIRD after trying to numb them for so long).

I believe you can find the strength not to die, physically, mentally, or in your soul.

Do you?

And really, we want to live, LIVE, not just exist.

I believe. I believe in you, 100.

♥️🤓

100

thank you so much, and thanks to everyone for the support and help. I need to remember I'm a sick person not a bad person. this is a terrible disease and I shouldn't compare my self to people who don't have it. I can and will recover others have done it and so can I. now I can make it because for the first time ever I really accept my condition of alcoholism and believe 100 percent I'm powerless over alcohol and my life is un manageable step one done . time to move on to step 2 which I start tomorrow.
David

BrianinLondon

The main thing is you are moving forward, David and have amassed a little bit of sober time - you can build on this now. No, you probably won't feel great for a while but just adjust your expectations and see how you go with working the steps again.

You keep coming back, testing your thoughts against those on the board and trying to figure it all out. That's brilliant. I'm not worried about you, if you keep up the commitment to getting better it will all work out. And when it "clicks" you'll really start motoring from there.

KTB5000

I can relate to your post 100