18 Months and feeling empty…
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
18 Months and feeling empty…
I was 18 months sober on the 13th, and couldn’t help wondering where life is taking me. I’m alone, listless, and mostly – aimless. 18 months ago, when I decided – after dozens of previous attempts and a bottle of Scotch a day for many years – to be sober, I had so many dreams. Dreams of becoming a famous author, getting out of my toxic surrounds/environment, moving to the sea with my dogs, be happy, and just LIVE. All of that seems to have faded, sort of, if you know what I mean? Like it’s all still there, but each day, it’s a bit further away and hazier. Less obtainable? My first book (a re-write of my first novel) is not doing well at all, and I have to admit, I can now see why – after a lot of independent feedback: it’s not as brilliant as I thought years ago (full of grammar mistakes and more), and more important, not what the market wants these days. So I’ve stopped wasting time with it, and the next in the series – why waste time on something that you know is not going to work, right?
My environment? Still toxic in the extreme and getting worse each day – which I thought was impossible 18 months ago. My dad (80) still loses his head EVERY day; he only needs to open that fresh bottle of brandy - which happens at three in the afternoon, like clockwork, every day (Saturday and Sunday at 1Pm) and he turns into a demented, uglier, old POS. Screaming and swearing and hurling insults at my “common-law” stepmom and the whole of the rest of the world; black people, English people, Chinese, Japanese… Politicians, police, army, lawyers, doctors, even bank-managers, are all corrupt and scum. He screams – literally - his hate at the whole world. In a civilized country, he would be in a padded cell. But give him something for free, and you are a wonderful person; he’s a gatherer – the garages, cupboards, under the beds, every available bit of space is stuffed with rubbish which will never be used; old broken power tools, TV’s, video-players, turntables, boxes with vinyl records, black-market DVD’s, computer-screens, fishing tackle, cheap paintings, clothing, anything and everything, I swear. 90% of it is broken and/or outdated – like the seven broken Inkjet printers dating back to the early 90’s . But there’s always more space. He’s an 80 year old toxic piece of scum who wishes himself dead every day, and so do I. At least once a day I hope he goes to sleep and never wakes up. And – no – I am not sorry for feeling that way.
“Stepmom” is still an ugly fat blob/slob – who sits in front of the television for 16 hours a day, who gets so drunk she can’t get up, blubbers and cries into her brandy-and-coke, plays “Fruity Loops” and other half-witted games on her Tablet while keeping an eye on her Soaps (always screaming/crying/cheating and low-intellect stuff), which she watches like a little child watching Bugs Bunny – the animation on her face is the same, I swear it to you; addicted to alcohol, painkillers, TV Soaps, Fast-food, gambling…and denying it all, of course…
Life to me, for the last 18 months, has been s***, which is putting it mildly (so much so that I sometimes laugh at the infinitesimal reasons/problems some people on SR use as an excuse to drink); my life is a horror, it still is and it’s getting worse each day. I’m a 57 year old white South African, divorced, broke, without even a car or a place of my own; with no prospect of finding a job in a country with a 50% “unofficial” unemployment rate, and where the few available jobs are earmarked for the black ‘Elite” and their families; too ashamed to speak to my two grown-up daughters – who live a thousand miles away; I live in a house with two raging alcoholics, eat unhealthy, sleep badly, and the only things keeping me sane are my dogs, talking to God, and the hope that things will get better; I am sober, but sometimes wonder if drinking would not make it better – even for a few hours? But I know it will not. It will make it worse – I’ve been there for a long, long time…
So what am I going to do about it???
1. Tomorrow (Sunday), I will outline a novel (Contemporary Genre) which has been lurking at the back of my head for more than a year, and I’ve been procrastinating over forever.
2. On Monday I will start a 100 day plan, which will end on the 30th of September, when I plan to publish my new novel.
3. I’ll write again, and this time, I hope it WILL be great.
4. I’ll start exercising again; walking and light weights.
5. I’ll get off the Soda and start drinking water again.
6. Become healthier and be (more) Grateful and more Mindful…
7. Remove myself (mentally) even further from my dad and his drinking buddy/concubine, whatever…
8. Talk with God more often…
9. Start a FBook group/Author page – which I hope some of you will join…
10. I’ll keep visiting SR a few times each day, and I still will not drink.
Sorry for the long - and mostly irrelevant – post everyone, but it’s been a while since I posted, and sharing on SR has become a way of “getting it all out/of my chest” for me. Perhaps, also, by sharing with you, I will feel more “accountable” about reaching my new goal. Let’s see where I am in a 100 days from now.
Corrie
My environment? Still toxic in the extreme and getting worse each day – which I thought was impossible 18 months ago. My dad (80) still loses his head EVERY day; he only needs to open that fresh bottle of brandy - which happens at three in the afternoon, like clockwork, every day (Saturday and Sunday at 1Pm) and he turns into a demented, uglier, old POS. Screaming and swearing and hurling insults at my “common-law” stepmom and the whole of the rest of the world; black people, English people, Chinese, Japanese… Politicians, police, army, lawyers, doctors, even bank-managers, are all corrupt and scum. He screams – literally - his hate at the whole world. In a civilized country, he would be in a padded cell. But give him something for free, and you are a wonderful person; he’s a gatherer – the garages, cupboards, under the beds, every available bit of space is stuffed with rubbish which will never be used; old broken power tools, TV’s, video-players, turntables, boxes with vinyl records, black-market DVD’s, computer-screens, fishing tackle, cheap paintings, clothing, anything and everything, I swear. 90% of it is broken and/or outdated – like the seven broken Inkjet printers dating back to the early 90’s . But there’s always more space. He’s an 80 year old toxic piece of scum who wishes himself dead every day, and so do I. At least once a day I hope he goes to sleep and never wakes up. And – no – I am not sorry for feeling that way.
“Stepmom” is still an ugly fat blob/slob – who sits in front of the television for 16 hours a day, who gets so drunk she can’t get up, blubbers and cries into her brandy-and-coke, plays “Fruity Loops” and other half-witted games on her Tablet while keeping an eye on her Soaps (always screaming/crying/cheating and low-intellect stuff), which she watches like a little child watching Bugs Bunny – the animation on her face is the same, I swear it to you; addicted to alcohol, painkillers, TV Soaps, Fast-food, gambling…and denying it all, of course…
Life to me, for the last 18 months, has been s***, which is putting it mildly (so much so that I sometimes laugh at the infinitesimal reasons/problems some people on SR use as an excuse to drink); my life is a horror, it still is and it’s getting worse each day. I’m a 57 year old white South African, divorced, broke, without even a car or a place of my own; with no prospect of finding a job in a country with a 50% “unofficial” unemployment rate, and where the few available jobs are earmarked for the black ‘Elite” and their families; too ashamed to speak to my two grown-up daughters – who live a thousand miles away; I live in a house with two raging alcoholics, eat unhealthy, sleep badly, and the only things keeping me sane are my dogs, talking to God, and the hope that things will get better; I am sober, but sometimes wonder if drinking would not make it better – even for a few hours? But I know it will not. It will make it worse – I’ve been there for a long, long time…
So what am I going to do about it???
1. Tomorrow (Sunday), I will outline a novel (Contemporary Genre) which has been lurking at the back of my head for more than a year, and I’ve been procrastinating over forever.
2. On Monday I will start a 100 day plan, which will end on the 30th of September, when I plan to publish my new novel.
3. I’ll write again, and this time, I hope it WILL be great.
4. I’ll start exercising again; walking and light weights.
5. I’ll get off the Soda and start drinking water again.
6. Become healthier and be (more) Grateful and more Mindful…
7. Remove myself (mentally) even further from my dad and his drinking buddy/concubine, whatever…
8. Talk with God more often…
9. Start a FBook group/Author page – which I hope some of you will join…
10. I’ll keep visiting SR a few times each day, and I still will not drink.
Sorry for the long - and mostly irrelevant – post everyone, but it’s been a while since I posted, and sharing on SR has become a way of “getting it all out/of my chest” for me. Perhaps, also, by sharing with you, I will feel more “accountable” about reaching my new goal. Let’s see where I am in a 100 days from now.
Corrie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
Wow powerful stuff! I'm sad you are in the situation you are in but chuffed to bits that you have a plan and are obviously one tough cookie! Really looking forward to hearing your updates along the way. Take care of yourself as best you can.
Better late than never
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: middle of no where, missouri
Posts: 142
Sounds like a rough spot for sure. I'm 14 months and all I can say is if you put a time limit on when everything is gonna great and feeling good again then it's gonna be a bit disappointing when you get there. When I first started out I thought at the one year mark everything was gonna be different and life was gonna be kick ass and I would be lean and mean and maybe back in school and catching up with everything I should of been doing in my life years ago. It didn't work that way, but I have changed and I'm taking small steps instead of huge leaps into a better tomorrow and it sounds like by your plan you're taking the right steps. There's only so much we can do with our given situation but the human will has the amazing ability to adapt and overcome.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I’m really sorry to hear things aren’t working out as planned, my friend. But my hat is off to you for maintaining your abstinence from alcohol. You’re amazing! Congratulations on 18 months. 
. I’ll be making it there July 30th!
Is there truly no way to leave that place, rock? No way at all? Have you ‘done’ AA yet (again)?
Dude, call your daughters!
xo
O
. I’ll be making it there July 30th!Is there truly no way to leave that place, rock? No way at all? Have you ‘done’ AA yet (again)?
Dude, call your daughters!
xo
O
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 72
A huge turning point in my sobriety was removing myself from the toxic people in my life. I had no idea how incredibly detrimental it was to my mental well being and being sober actually made it more difficult to deny. I hope you can find a way out. Bless you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Originally Posted by Obladi 
I’m really sorry to hear things aren’t working out as planned, my friend. But my hat is off to you for maintaining your abstinence from alcohol. You’re amazing! Congratulations on 18 months. . I’ll be making it there July 30th!
Is there truly no way to leave that place, rock? No way at all? Have you ‘done’ AA yet (again)?
Dude, call your daughters!
xo
O
. I’ll be making it there July 30th!Is there truly no way to leave that place, rock? No way at all? Have you ‘done’ AA yet (again)?
Dude, call your daughters!
xo
O
The daughters? The youngest (25), is her “mother’s child”, and has not spoken to me in about eight years, even blocked me on her social media and her phone; the eldest (29) “suffers/tolerates me in silence”. I seldom phone her, but when I do/did, maybe once a month, for just a few minutes, she doesn’t say a lot, there’s just silence on the other end, and I sometimes have to ask her if she’s still there, just to be told she’s very busy with something, busy on her laptop - deadlines, etc, and doesn’t have a lot of time to talk, or a Skype Meeting, or, or… Which makes me feel bad about bothering her – I know a cold shoulder when I receive one… I’ve told her before that I sometimes don’t speak to another person for days on end, which is why I phone her, but do you know, I don’t think she even hears me? So I’ve stopped phoning her as well, and you’ll understand why. Perhaps if the new book does well, her attitude will change? Be that as it may…
I’ve never gone to AA, O. Not in about 30 years. I tried it a long, long time ago (early 90’s), and it’s a totally different set-up here in South Africa, believe me. No sponsors and badges and such, and their meetings and meeting places are few and far between. Like most everything else in Africa, it’s a defunct institution and a total waste of time and energy. I’m not interested in their help in any way, even if they were there to help; I did the sober thing on my own, with plenty of help from my Higher Power, and SR is enough of a supporting medium for me.
Congrats on (soon) 18 months, O, and thanks for caring.
RB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,077
Howdy, Man your just in the middle of a whole s*** storm there huh?? Living with miserable, geriatric, abusive, alcoholic, hoarders and in country in a depression only rivaled by the dust bowl days of America...jeez...Kudos for not drinking for 18 months. All I can say is where there's a will there's a way. There has to be a way out of that house. If people can break out of Alcatraz you can free yourself from that place. Ever think about living in a van or a RV or small boat? I'm afraid if you don't change your environment your new novel will echo your current situation and will have deep undertones of negative ranting...I would live in a tent on the beach before I would stay in that environment....Good luck with your 100 day plan my friend, you are your own master.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
[QUOTE=Boondock;7652758]Howdy, Man your just in the middle of a whole s*** storm there huh?? Living with miserable, geriatric, abusive, alcoholic, hoarders and in country in a depression only rivaled by the dust bowl days of America...jeez...Kudos for not drinking for 18 months. All I can say is where there's a will there's a way.....
Thanks, Boondock. I agree, sure, something has to change. But I’ve stuck it out this long, so another 100 days will just be more bad water under the bridge. Like I said to Obladi, I need the electricity to write, and believe me – my surrounds/situation will not reflect in my writing. That – and my dogs – are and have been my saving grace this last year and a half. When I write, I go away…in my mind at least, to another place, and I’m with the “normal” people I write about. So let’s call this a last ditch effort; if the 100 day plan does not work, I’ll have to think of – and do – something drastic. I know I can’t keep on like this. I’m going to crack someday soon, and say or do something bad, or both…
But thanks for the support and caring.
RB
Thanks, Boondock. I agree, sure, something has to change. But I’ve stuck it out this long, so another 100 days will just be more bad water under the bridge. Like I said to Obladi, I need the electricity to write, and believe me – my surrounds/situation will not reflect in my writing. That – and my dogs – are and have been my saving grace this last year and a half. When I write, I go away…in my mind at least, to another place, and I’m with the “normal” people I write about. So let’s call this a last ditch effort; if the 100 day plan does not work, I’ll have to think of – and do – something drastic. I know I can’t keep on like this. I’m going to crack someday soon, and say or do something bad, or both…
But thanks for the support and caring.
RB
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,025
Hey RB
I am glad that you posted as I have always admired your strength to overcome such adverse conditions. In the early years of my sobriety, I quickly realised the common adage that giving up alcohol doesnt fix up your life. It merely enables you to be sober. However, being sober makes a huge difference if you take the opportunity presented to you.
I guess the main lesson I am learning over the years is that you have to keep working on your self which sobriety enables. I think the definition of working on yourself differs for every one. For me, it was about growing up and facing my demons. I still reach out for help when needed. Externally, my life has been a roller coaster. I have had lots of ups and downs which continue to this day. I remember during the depths of last year, I was in a desperate situation from a work perspective. In lockdown and no customers. Super bad. But I also knew in the depths of my heart that it would pass. And fortunately it did. However, it is still a struggle. The major difference from my drinking days is that I can now face these problems and be pro-active. I also try my best not to be a victim anymore. I make and own my problems
My suggestions to you is to persevere. You are more than capable of this. Keep moving forward, savour the journey with all its successes and tribulations, no matter how big or small. Keep a daily journal (actually, I listened to a podcast where a writer said his daily habit was to wake up and immediately write 3 pages from the top of his mind. The objective was to keep the pen on paper and not stop until the 3 pages were done. The content was irrelevant) and incorporate gratefulness as a daily habit.
Maybe write letters to your daughters and post them. It doesnt matter if they do not reply. Simply write to them and express everything you want to say to them. Oh and think about the emotions of bitterness and resentment. For me, it has no benefit though I do succumb to them every now and then. I try my best to be aware of such emotions, then step back and look at the bigger picture. Not always easy.
Keep going RB!
I am glad that you posted as I have always admired your strength to overcome such adverse conditions. In the early years of my sobriety, I quickly realised the common adage that giving up alcohol doesnt fix up your life. It merely enables you to be sober. However, being sober makes a huge difference if you take the opportunity presented to you.
I guess the main lesson I am learning over the years is that you have to keep working on your self which sobriety enables. I think the definition of working on yourself differs for every one. For me, it was about growing up and facing my demons. I still reach out for help when needed. Externally, my life has been a roller coaster. I have had lots of ups and downs which continue to this day. I remember during the depths of last year, I was in a desperate situation from a work perspective. In lockdown and no customers. Super bad. But I also knew in the depths of my heart that it would pass. And fortunately it did. However, it is still a struggle. The major difference from my drinking days is that I can now face these problems and be pro-active. I also try my best not to be a victim anymore. I make and own my problems
My suggestions to you is to persevere. You are more than capable of this. Keep moving forward, savour the journey with all its successes and tribulations, no matter how big or small. Keep a daily journal (actually, I listened to a podcast where a writer said his daily habit was to wake up and immediately write 3 pages from the top of his mind. The objective was to keep the pen on paper and not stop until the 3 pages were done. The content was irrelevant) and incorporate gratefulness as a daily habit.
Maybe write letters to your daughters and post them. It doesnt matter if they do not reply. Simply write to them and express everything you want to say to them. Oh and think about the emotions of bitterness and resentment. For me, it has no benefit though I do succumb to them every now and then. I try my best to be aware of such emotions, then step back and look at the bigger picture. Not always easy.
Keep going RB!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Thanks for your great input, Kaneda. Some good suggestions to sleep on - It's almost 1am here in South Africa, and listening to my one dog snore is putting me to sleep. It's already breakfast/brunch time in OZ, I know, and I hope you have a wonderful Sunday.
RB
RB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
I was in a really bad spot around the year and a half mark. I had lost my job of 15 years and was doing really poorly at interviewing. Months and months were going by and I was running out of money and unemployment. I did not know if/ when I was going to find work. Would i suddenly be homeless? This was like a duck call for my character defects and resentments. Why didn't I do this and that differently and all those destructive thoughts. How did my life get like this after all that time sober? God was not carrying out my will the way that I wanted him to. He didn't consult with me first before he took me out of the last job and left me unemployed. He didn't tell me about the better paying job that was right around the corner.
You could always start a you tube or bit chute channel. I would think it is pretty difficult to get a lot of subscribers but if you are into writing you may like that kind of stuff as well.
Its really amazing that you have long term sobriety in that environment. Especially during the pandemic. We alcohics in America and around the globe could definitely benefit from you sharing your experience, strength, and hope.
You could always start a you tube or bit chute channel. I would think it is pretty difficult to get a lot of subscribers but if you are into writing you may like that kind of stuff as well.
Its really amazing that you have long term sobriety in that environment. Especially during the pandemic. We alcohics in America and around the globe could definitely benefit from you sharing your experience, strength, and hope.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,061
I don't have any advice but I do want to say congratulations on your sobriety, especially in the adverse conditions you are living in.
Thank goodness for dogs, I know mine do more for me than they will ever know.
Thank goodness for dogs, I know mine do more for me than they will ever know.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Corrie, you know I care about you. I feel like we're kin in a way, what with us seesawing each other as we (I) did a year and a half ago. I'm hoping you will hear what I want to say to you without getting your hackles raised, at least further, because they are clearly already pretty far up there in the air.
You know, when you first told us your plan to stay there on your Dad's place until you published your first book, I thought, "Sounds like hell, but this is one stubborn mule of a man, so... ok." I mean, it's not up to me - who cares what this drunk has to say/think about that situation? But look at yourself right now, man. Your first post was so full of venom for your Dad and especially for his wife, it turned my stomach. That wasn't about you - it was about me thinking of living inside of that hatred. Everyone sucks, your problems are worse by far than some of the people on SR, so pitiful you laugh about it. Listen to yourself, man.
I don't know why you are talking about your siblings, but I can only imagine it's because you feel so very alone - an outcast, no? But like Groucho Marx, it's a club you wouldn't want to join even if they would have you. The daughter who suffers in silence is making the choice to do try to let you in, you know. Why do you think that is? Why do you think she has so little to say? Do you ask meaningful questions? Have you asked her why she even answers your calls? My ex husband doesn't have any understanding of why his girls around your daughters age want nothing to do with him. He thinks I poisoned them against him, but I promise you I did not - he took care of that himself. My guess is that he has never once asked one of the two who still speak with him every once in a while why they do that.
I don't understand? Why can't you take your dogs and go? There is no other place you can go that has electricity and internet? I understand that unemployment is crushing; perhaps it's my ignorance, but I literally can not fathom why leaving is out of the question. You don't need to explain it to me, I am just... flabbergasted. And worried.
You have internet and electricity; you can attend a meeting anywhere in the world that you fancy is better than the meetings that are so woefully lacking in South Africa. Where is your Higher Power right now, man? Frankly, you don't 'sound' sober to me at all. You sound hurt and angry and very much powerless. You sound like you are on the brink of a relapse to end all relapses. Pay attention to yourself, brother.
With great care and concern,
O
You know, when you first told us your plan to stay there on your Dad's place until you published your first book, I thought, "Sounds like hell, but this is one stubborn mule of a man, so... ok." I mean, it's not up to me - who cares what this drunk has to say/think about that situation? But look at yourself right now, man. Your first post was so full of venom for your Dad and especially for his wife, it turned my stomach. That wasn't about you - it was about me thinking of living inside of that hatred. Everyone sucks, your problems are worse by far than some of the people on SR, so pitiful you laugh about it. Listen to yourself, man.
I don't know why you are talking about your siblings, but I can only imagine it's because you feel so very alone - an outcast, no? But like Groucho Marx, it's a club you wouldn't want to join even if they would have you. The daughter who suffers in silence is making the choice to do try to let you in, you know. Why do you think that is? Why do you think she has so little to say? Do you ask meaningful questions? Have you asked her why she even answers your calls? My ex husband doesn't have any understanding of why his girls around your daughters age want nothing to do with him. He thinks I poisoned them against him, but I promise you I did not - he took care of that himself. My guess is that he has never once asked one of the two who still speak with him every once in a while why they do that.
I would have walked away from here a long time ago if it wasn’t for my dogs, and that I need electricity and Internet to write, friend. Even being a beach-bum is better than this.
I’ve never gone to AA, O. Not in about 30 years. I tried it a long, long time ago (early 90’s), and it’s a totally different set-up here in South Africa, believe me. No sponsors and badges and such, and their meetings and meeting places are few and far between. Like most everything else in Africa, it’s a defunct institution and a total waste of time and energy. I’m not interested in their help in any way, even if they were there to help; I did the sober thing on my own, with plenty of help from my Higher Power, and SR is enough of a supporting medium for me.
With great care and concern,
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Originally Posted by Obladi
Corrie, you know I care about you. I feel like we're kin in a way, what with us seesawing each other as we (I) did a year and a half ago. I'm hoping you will hear what I want to say to you without getting your hackles raised, at least further, because they are clearly already pretty far up there in the air.
You know, when you first told us your plan to stay there on your Dad's place until you published your first book, I thought, "Sounds like hell, but this is one stubborn mule of a man, so... ok." I mean, it's not up to me - who cares what this drunk has to say/think about that situation? But look at yourself right now, man. Your first post was so full of venom for your Dad and especially for his wife, it turned my stomach. That wasn't about you - it was about me thinking of living inside of that hatred. Everyone sucks, your problems are worse by far than some of the people on SR, so pitiful you laugh about it. Listen to yourself, man.
I don't know why you are talking about your siblings, but I can only imagine it's because you feel so very alone - an outcast, no? But like Groucho Marx, it's a club you wouldn't want to join even if they would have you. The daughter who suffers in silence is making the choice to do try to let you in, you know. Why do you think that is? Why do you think she has so little to say? Do you ask meaningful questions? Have you asked her why she even answers your calls? My ex husband doesn't have any understanding of why his girls around your daughters age want nothing to do with him. He thinks I poisoned them against him, but I promise you I did not - he took care of that himself. My guess is that he has never once asked one of the two who still speak with him every once in a while why they do that.
I don't understand? Why can't you take your dogs and go? There is no other place you can go that has electricity and internet? I understand that unemployment is crushing; perhaps it's my ignorance, but I literally can not fathom why leaving is out of the question. You don't need to explain it to me, I am just... flabbergasted. And worried.
You have internet and electricity; you can attend a meeting anywhere in the world that you fancy is better than the meetings that are so woefully lacking in South Africa. Where is your Higher Power right now, man? Frankly, you don't 'sound' sober to me at all. You sound hurt and angry and very much powerless. You sound like you are on the brink of a relapse to end all relapses. Pay attention to yourself, brother.
With great care and concern,
O
You know, when you first told us your plan to stay there on your Dad's place until you published your first book, I thought, "Sounds like hell, but this is one stubborn mule of a man, so... ok." I mean, it's not up to me - who cares what this drunk has to say/think about that situation? But look at yourself right now, man. Your first post was so full of venom for your Dad and especially for his wife, it turned my stomach. That wasn't about you - it was about me thinking of living inside of that hatred. Everyone sucks, your problems are worse by far than some of the people on SR, so pitiful you laugh about it. Listen to yourself, man.
I don't know why you are talking about your siblings, but I can only imagine it's because you feel so very alone - an outcast, no? But like Groucho Marx, it's a club you wouldn't want to join even if they would have you. The daughter who suffers in silence is making the choice to do try to let you in, you know. Why do you think that is? Why do you think she has so little to say? Do you ask meaningful questions? Have you asked her why she even answers your calls? My ex husband doesn't have any understanding of why his girls around your daughters age want nothing to do with him. He thinks I poisoned them against him, but I promise you I did not - he took care of that himself. My guess is that he has never once asked one of the two who still speak with him every once in a while why they do that.
I don't understand? Why can't you take your dogs and go? There is no other place you can go that has electricity and internet? I understand that unemployment is crushing; perhaps it's my ignorance, but I literally can not fathom why leaving is out of the question. You don't need to explain it to me, I am just... flabbergasted. And worried.
You have internet and electricity; you can attend a meeting anywhere in the world that you fancy is better than the meetings that are so woefully lacking in South Africa. Where is your Higher Power right now, man? Frankly, you don't 'sound' sober to me at all. You sound hurt and angry and very much powerless. You sound like you are on the brink of a relapse to end all relapses. Pay attention to yourself, brother.
With great care and concern,
O
I am broke, and I mean broke. As in NO MONEY. As in a bit of money for a couple of month’s dogfood and a couple of loaves of bread a week – I feed myself during the day and only get a plate of food at night; no money for airtime, data, no money for a cab, no money even for a new pair of running shoes if I had to walk out of here.
My one dog has a “Luxating Patellar” problem on her left rear leg, and the other had torn the "Anterior Cruciate Ligaments" on her right rear leg a few years back (it would be funny if it was not so heartbreaking), and I have no funds to have either of them “fixed”. Neither of them can walk more than a couple of hundred meters without going lame and sitting down.
I have no car, not even a bicycle, and if I were to just up and walk away, where would I walk to? No – I have NOWHERE else to go. If I was to leave here, I would walk to the coast, which is a thousand miles away, and would probably take me a few months. And a couple of pairs of walking/running shoes.
So, this would be me, OK, O? I’ll be walking away from here, with two half-lame little dogs which I would probably have to carry most of the way. I would have a gym bag with some spare clothes, and probably a sleeping bag and a blanket for my dogs. Dogfood, water, a bit of food for myself, and my fishing-tackle for if I ever reach the coast, which with the crime-situation in this country, is very unlikely. I’ll have to sleep in the bush, under bridges, or where ever I find myself when it gets dark. And that’s just stuff I can think of, off the top of my head…
There are no public transport here, except inter-metro. No trains from town to town, no buses. Airplanes, sure, but they cost a lot of money, and won’t take my dogs.
There are no “Unemployment Benefits” here after six months of losing your job; which is why millions of people here depend on family and friends who do have jobs, to stay with and for food. So, no, I can’t go collect a check every month, like we see you unemployed guys in the USA do on TV.
Where should I – in your opinion – access electricity and the Internet, O? This is Africa, not America. Electricity cables get stolen and sold for their copper value, we have “Load Shedding” for weeks on end, and we have the most expensive Data in the world, believe it or not. I’m typing this reply to you in the dark as it is – another power failure – and my Laptop battery is just about flat. Hopefully power will be restored and I can post this reply later tonight, when my Router has powered up again, as well.
My daughters? They don’t speak to me because I’m an embarrassment to them – I’m man enough to acknowledge the fact. And I don’t blame them – I’m not very proud of myself, either… Let’s leave that one lie, O.
The AA, O? Why? What will they do for me? What CAN they do? I’ve become – and stayed – sober on my own. God was all I needed; not another lot of people with heartbreak stories to share. I’ve enough heartbreak of my own – I don’t need more. To tell the truth, I’m seriously thinking of not going on or using SR anymore; there’s enough negativity in my life, without reading about other people’s every day as well…
I’m angry, O. Yes. And I’m also powerless, alone, lonely, sad, and a lot of other stuff. But I’m sober. That I can swear to myself; I don’t need to before anyone else. To drink now, would be the end for me, I just know that without a grain of doubt.
Battery is going any time now, so I’m closing. (Writing on Word and doing Copy-Paste).
Have a wonderful week, O.
Corrie.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Then all that is left for me is to say that I’m truly sorry you’re in such a terrible place with no way out. My heart goes out to you.
It seems there is nothing to be done aside from howl, which you have done and I’m sure are welcome to do as much as you need.
In no way did I question your sobriety from the booze; I’m sorry to have given you that impression if I did. It’s your emotional sobriety that worries me.
I wish you peace, my friend.
It seems there is nothing to be done aside from howl, which you have done and I’m sure are welcome to do as much as you need.
In no way did I question your sobriety from the booze; I’m sorry to have given you that impression if I did. It’s your emotional sobriety that worries me.
I wish you peace, my friend.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
My sincere sympathies, Corrie. It sounds like an excruciatingly tough situation you have found yourself in and you are still managing to stay sober. I hope your plan of attack for changing your current circumstances yields some fruit and you can climb out of the pit. If you can get and stay sober in those conditions, you can achieve most anything. I hope you can find a way to arrest the spiralling of negative thoughts and emotions and you find some peace in your mind soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,025
Hey RB
You need support. This will mean swallowing your pride and reaching out to your brothers. That might seem painful but what is the alternative? Perpetually living in pain with resentment and bitterness devouring your mind. To the extent that you cant see straight anymore. When I was a complete train wreck and literally thrown out of my house, I had to grit my teeth and ask my siblings for help. All my life I had been "successful" and never asked anyone for help, especially my family. In reality, this was a false sense of pride. The shame I felt in having to ask for help was nothing more than a delusion.
Even if its not your brothers, reach out for support from any aid agency, neighbour, friends (if any) and AA. I read from your posts that there arent many meetings. Get on the phone and talk to a member. Forget what AA was like 30 years ago. That prejudice is blocking you. Just speak to them!
And stay here on SR. Post as much as you like. We will be here.
You need support. This will mean swallowing your pride and reaching out to your brothers. That might seem painful but what is the alternative? Perpetually living in pain with resentment and bitterness devouring your mind. To the extent that you cant see straight anymore. When I was a complete train wreck and literally thrown out of my house, I had to grit my teeth and ask my siblings for help. All my life I had been "successful" and never asked anyone for help, especially my family. In reality, this was a false sense of pride. The shame I felt in having to ask for help was nothing more than a delusion.
Even if its not your brothers, reach out for support from any aid agency, neighbour, friends (if any) and AA. I read from your posts that there arent many meetings. Get on the phone and talk to a member. Forget what AA was like 30 years ago. That prejudice is blocking you. Just speak to them!
And stay here on SR. Post as much as you like. We will be here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,161
1st congratulations on staying sober in that environment!
2nd you are one tough sob to be able to do that.
3rd you will get yourself out of this. Somehow, someway. You are just too strong to do nothing.
We all feel powerless at times.
You will succeed. Somehow..
Just believe that.
2nd you are one tough sob to be able to do that.
3rd you will get yourself out of this. Somehow, someway. You are just too strong to do nothing.
We all feel powerless at times.
You will succeed. Somehow..
Just believe that.
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