BettyP

Window - I don’t think any of us really know the answers, but I’m going to guess that a one-time slip is not going to be too big of a setback. Also, you’re only a human being and PAWS is so relentless that I think all of us would be lying if we said we didn’t think about drinking in general at times and definitely think about it when there seems like no relief. Don’t linger in beating yourself up if you’re feeling that way. It does sound like you need more of a support network and coping tools though - whatever that looks life for you. You definitely don’t want to start all the way back at the beginning of PAWS, and you’ve done most of the hard work to get this many months to be free from alcohol owning you. You can do this! PAWS is not forever! Stay with us here on thread - we need you :-)

window

Thank you for the kind words @BettyP. You're right, I probably do need to extend my support network because at the moment it's pretty much just this forum, which I'm very grateful for. There's few people who experience PAWS as severely as we do so it can be dishearterning having to explain at 13 months you're still having major issues, even when I'm saying it, it doesn't sound believable or realistic. Because of this I'm reluctant to reach out to people and I honestly believe I'm better off this way, I've always liked to keep my affairs private and deal with s*** alone. That being said, without this forum I would be screwed. I'd have convinced myself that it never gets better, but the fact that most sufferers report the same timeline of 2 years, combined with the progress I've made, does make me very hopeful. I certainly won't be making that 'slip up' mistake again, it was a not-so-gentle reminder that there's too much on the line here.

cusper

Hi CBS62, I am so sorry you are still feeling that "boaty feeling". It could very well be benzos from what I read on the BB site. I have read places that some people even take over a year to ween off them. Those benzos seem like nothing to mess with. Thank you again for referring this thread to me. It is really sweet of you to keep an eye out for those having these issues. It has helped me just to write in and get so much support from everyone. It's a lifesaver.
I hope you are feeling better soon.

cusper

Hi Window! I am only at 10 months and I get it, it's not really a thing I imagine any of my friends want to talk about either. I was talking with Betty and she recommended some zoom AA meetings that really help her. I am going to join one tomorrow and see how it goes. I live in a very very small town and I have no intention of discussing it with people so the zoom meetings from a different area seems like something I would want to do. I didn't want to make any major decisions this first year and I am extending it for another because I imagine it could take 2 years for me to feel on more of an even keel. Thank you for writing in with your experiences. This thread is new to me as well and it has really helped when I feel like I am in a panic. People who are further along are great with advice. Nice to meet you!

BettyP

How did everyone do this week? I had my first couple of pretty much PAWS-free days. What a blessing - and I can't even believe I'm using that word because it's not me at all haha - - but really, to have real relief and feel like I'm going to be ok and be myself again is the biggest relief of my life.

TheSoberNord

Feeling pretty good right now. Had a bit of a moment yesterday but I partially blame it on me because I should of known better. I like to try and push myself at times to see how much I can tolerate, I get a little impatient wishing I can go back to living a normal life. Had a mini panic attack that was over in 15mins but left me feeling pretty weak and foggy for the rest of the day. I should know when my body feels tired or mentally I'm not feeling it then I should back off, easier said than done at times. So for today I officially declare it lazing around the TV and recharging day.

Been reading more over at BB and it amazes me how similar we are even though we used different substances. Scary thing is some of them didn't use for very long either. I was reading one guys story of how he was prescribed them for only 2 months and a year later he was still dealing with the withdrawal symptoms. Scary stuff and I'm glad I never touched them and will definitely never take them voluntarily down the road.
It's wild though that I can put in google benzo buddies and whatever weird thing like driving/being alone/sleep anxiety/etc. and there's at least one thread where people are talking about their personal experience with it. It's comforting to know you're not alone and even though I never took benzos alcohol is pretty much a benzo in liquid form. It's been around for thousands of years and messed up the lives of millions!

cusper

Hi Betty! That is great to hear your week was better. I get it, any day free of anxiety is a blessing. There were a few days last week that were good. It's at times like that I really take notice but then I also get in the false security mode and think that it is permanently over. However today it was back with a vengeance- mainly because I keep having dreams at night where I am drunk in them and I am unable to fulfill my responsibilities. It was a full blown nightmare. It's like I get up and my heart is pounding and I try not to let it set the tone for the day. Also, I do believe part of all this has to do with severe seasonal allergies that I have been experiencing this fall. So happy to hear you had a good week!

Sobernord, I fully get the "push yourself too hard" blowback when it comes to PAWS. The same goes with me. Today I have reached my 10 month sober anniversary and when I began I had only one priority and that was to stay sober. Then a month passed and the second priority was to establish a nightly routine so I could relearn how to sleep. It's when I got to about 6 months and began taking on too many things is when I would notice the anxiety and anger rising. A month ago I did one of those obstacle courses where you have to crawl through mud and run 5k and climb up muddy ropes etc.. At the time I thought I had done well only to deal with the whole week of full PAWS. It just had been too much. So I am back to basic goals. Stay sober, continue bed routine, healthy eating and really just work and family.
Benzos are no joke and I do not understand why so many dr.s don't understand just how addictive and brain changing they are. It's infuriating and irresponsible. Back when I was 19 they put me on ativan(lorezepam) and after being on it for 3-5 months they wanted to up the dosage and it was only the fact that I looked it up at a book store (pre internet) when I stopped without weaning. It was one of the scariest things. I have since seen videos of people who have been on benzos for years talking about their experiences getting off and it looks truly terrifying.
Anyhow it's good to hear you are feeling good now and that you have an idea of what can trigger anxiety.

Introvrtd1

I have to keep reminding myself by reading this thread that, “It Does Get Better”…

Ive been ok the past couple months but this month seems the most trying…I actually considered drinking to relax again…funny how the memories of a relaxing several drinks will enter my mind, but the memories of the horrible withdrawals thereafter will fade.

Its making me wonder whether or not an occasional binge would be worth a break from all this boring sobriety…sorry I’m being so painfully candid right now…just a momentary vent…

Anyway As I press on…I feel like Im back 5-6 months ago when things were bad…

Thanks for letting me rant. Take care everyone and hang in there.

cusper

Hi Intvrovrtd1! Yes! I think that is why so many people relapse is to get out of those moments of pure anxiety. I am having dreams that I am drinking and I think it is a response to the stress. I think you and I are relatively close to the same time sober as me. Today I am at 10 months. I fully understand thinking that a binge would be a wanted relief from all of this.... but then there is the next day, that awful feeling of being hungover... the starting on day one... and paws will still be there and probably that much longer to deal with. That is what I tell myself anyhow. And thing is I have relapsed so many times and yet I always end up back getting sober and it's the beginning again. There are people who are at a few years sober who keep reminding me that it will get sooo much better. Sometimes I literally have to say out loud to myself "I will not drink today". I don't know why but this last month it has been seriously the most intense so far, it is frustrating. I hope you are feeling better. Please write in if you are or aren't.

CBS62

Hey everyone. Cusper congrats on 10 months! I hit mine on the 17th. Betty I am so happy you have had some nice relief! SoberNord I have been reading on BenzosBuddies too. It is scary especially because I have taken benzos very occasionally over the years but never very regularly. I have sworn off them now. But I was diagnosed them in early sobriety and that may be why I am having the persistent boaty rocking sensation. I am feeling pretty good aside from that. Intro I am just a little ahead of you as you know and it is still a rollercoaster for me. I have yet to have had a serious window. I have fleeting moments where I fell hopeful. My anxiety is much better but it comes and goes still.

I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy on Friday. The results so far are good but waiting on a couple precautionary biopsies. Fingers crossed on those results this coming week.

My recovery is very complicated because of the benzo use, the decades of drinking and the fact that I just tapered off of Gabapentin that I took for 6 months. I am hoping to go off Protonix, a PPI that my doctor insisted I take for acid reflux. After I get off that I will be on zero prescriptions which is my goal. Then we will see how my body reacts. Packing my patience as usual. I had no idea when I quit drinking in December that 10 months later I would be struggling so much.

Here is a link for a really good article someone on BB shared about recovering from WD.
https://www.drlamcoaching.com/adrena...zo-withdrawal/

I hope everyone has a good rest of your weekend. ;0)

Oh and Graceful how are you? Have not heard from you in a bit.

ant385

Nothing boring about sobriety. It opens up so many opportunities. It’s just at the moment your brain is healing. Sounds like you having some real strong windows. I think you will heal before you know it

CBS62

My biopsies came back normal! So I am much relieved. I have acid reflux and mild esophagitis. I have been on a PPI(proton pump inhibitor, prescription acid reducer) for about 6 weeks and want to get off of it. I am in a battle with the PA who wants me to stay on it for 3 more months. I have changed my diet and I sleep with my head elevated. Anyway, I have read it is not good to be on PPIs for a long time.

I had my booster shot yesterday and am feeling achy, cold and a little headache but it is all worth it.

I hope everyone is doing okay!

cusper

CBS62 That is great news!! You must be so relieved. The waiting is the worst part and now you know. Also, just going and doing all the tests now has been worth it. Diet is huge for GERD. When I first quit drinking I had it consistently for a long time. I can't remember how long but at least 3 months. My diet has changed so drastically since then..... it's rather boring I must admit but it definitely helps with the severity of PAWS because if I stray from it- worse anxiety arises a day later. And also less heart burn (or rather throat burn) Mind you if I have spicy wings.... it hurts. Have you ever tried Super digestive enzymes? If I eat anything that is not on the plan... like wings.. I do take one of them and it really helps. I got them off Amazon. I think the idea is, that it increases and/or stimulates bile that breaks down food better. Anyhow thanks for the update!

BettyP

What a lot of good posts - thank you everyone for the updates! Introvertd, I know exactly what you mean about rationalizing drinking on those really bad stretches. It's like two terrible choices - continue to suffer, or give in to evil alcohol. It really truly does get better though - I am not all healed, but I am so much better than I was even two months ago. It's happening - we are all getting closer to the finish line.

CB - before I started having real, measurable windows it was relentless - I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I really know you're going to be allright, though. All of the people who used to post on here who don't come around anymore - they got past this part of their recovery and didn't look back. This is a major hurdle to overcome to get to the peace of sobriety on the other side.

Cusper I'm so glad you joined this thread. For you and for CB - I had relentless GI symptoms up until a few months ago - I had no appetite, felt nausea all the time, acid reflux, and so on - - your digestive system is made up of the same nerve tissue as your brain and is also healing. Good on you CB for making sure there isn't something else more serious happening - now you can be more certain that it's PAWS messing with your GI system.

CBS62

Forgive me if I am repeating myself. I just need to vent and get my head straight. My recovery seems to be really complicated by the fact that I drank for close to forty years , very heavily in the last ten years and also took benzos as prescribed the last 20 years though not very often except in early sobriety when I took it them regularly as prescribed for a short term. The more I read in Benzo Buddies the more I realize my PAWS is probably so bad because of the Benzos. I wish I had known! Most Doctors really don't take the repercussions of taking benzos into account. I am going to make sure I don't have any more in the house and warn my daughter who takes them occasionally to try to stop. It is maddening how non linear recovery is. And the myriad of symptoms has got my health anxiety in overdrive.

Vinny how are you? Have not heard from you in a while. Same with Graceful.

I hope everyone has a good Halloween weekend.

BettyP

CB - from everything I've absorbed so far, it seems like the people who really get hit with PAWS tend to suffer for about a year to two years. I haven't read a lot of accounts of people coming in and being bad like us and then overcoming it in just a few months - they're probably out there, but they didn't suffer long enough to go searching on the internet perhaps? Anyway, I think you're on as normal a path as everyone else and take heart in that. I remember being at like six to eight months thinking "a year no way that won't be me" and other times thinking "this will go on for years, I have the worst case of PAWS in history" - but when it comes right down to it, my PAWS progression is moving along at exactly the pace of most other people's cases (give or take). Yes the duration of how long you drank does factor in, as it does for me, I'm sure - but most people seem to start getting more and more relief after 15 to 18 months, and most (not all) are mostly healed around 2 years or at least much better than in acute PAWS. I know there's people on this thread still struggling at 18 and 20 months and longer - sometimes it does just take a while longer, but measurable progress has happened. You're going to be ok. It probably won't take three years. I'm willing to bet when you get to 14 and 15 months you're going to have made progress that you didn't think was going to happen for you - you can do this! Just stay sober, that's our one big job to do to get through this.

I"m in the stage where I have some pretty much normal days now, followed by strings of fallback days. It's great to have the good days and totally disheartening to have the bad days. Last week I had some tentatively good days, with some anxiety at night, and then some really good days at the end of the week, and then yesterday and today I'm feeling pretty gross. I'll be 16 months sober on the 7th - it's annoying to still be dealing with this and I'm frustrated today. I started a new job and I worry about my ability to be able to work day to day - will I not be able to show up for something because I'm a nervous wreck? Hard to say! I do have on my side a really understanding boss who I talked to about what I'm going through right when I got hired. So far I haven't had to beg off of anything - about 3/4 of my work is remote - but she knows that there might be times that I really can't do something. I just hate that there might (and probably will) be a time that that happens - - I'm not normally that person and I beat myself up for it. God I hate PAWS! WIll be happy to see this latest wave roll on out. Hope you all are well and fighting the good fight :-D

Introvrtd1

Hi Betty, this makes so much sense as usual but I have a question: Does a slip or short relapse set a person back to the beginning of sobriety as far as brain neurotransmitter balances for gaba, dopamine, and glutamate is concerned?

I had a relapse for a few weeks back in 2016 after 7 months sober. Seemed like my brain chemistry went back to day one as if 7 months were never credited. I know that answers my own question but just wondering if you had some insight. ☹️

BettyP

Introvertd, I don't know for sure - and it depends on how long the relapse went on I would imagine. I remember back in earlier pages of this thread that Matt the OP discussed having a relapse - or really going back out and drinking - and having much worse PAWS the second time around. I look to Benzo Buddies on this one - most of those folks are tapering their doses and at times when it becomes to much they pop back up to a higher dose for a little while. I would think of it that way - you're on the path and you've done several months of work, and at a certain point took some drugs (alcohol) because things (likely) became unbearable. I would guess (and again guessing) that you're going to experience some setback time but I don't think it's all the way back to the beginning. A LOT of people relapse and go on to stay sober and live happy healthy lives - you will be ok!

Introvrtd1

Thanks! I thought the same thing, its just I look for other opinions and insight here.

BettyP

On bad days and waves I think ALL I do is look for more info and opinions haha :-D