Who am I?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 16
Who am I?
Hi, my name is Joan and I am an alcoholic.
I am married 18 years to a loving and wonderful man and have had 4 kids. Our firstborn died 12 years ago from brain cancer, but we have two healthy boys (ages 10 and 8) and a 6 year old daughter who is in remission from leukemia for 1 1/2 years now. She also has optic nerve tumors which we are monitoring closely with her doctors.
I have an alcoholic father and an alcoholic younger sister (who has been quadriplegic for 10 years) and now I get to join the club. It sucks. I am an at-home mom and we live 800 miles from our family and friends. I have no friends here and my drinking has prevented me from seeking out and making new friends. I feel so alone ALL the time. As an at-home mom all I have to do in a day is take care of my family, clean house, clean house and clean house. I am so completely bored with my life and don't know what to do with myself.
I have ALWAYS dreamed of owning a horse (or horses), but in my "old age" (I am almost 41) I have come to realize that my one and only dream will probably never come true. When I was a kid I didn't care if I fell off a horse, because my body was resilient. Well, it's not resilient anymore! lol! I fell of a draft horse 3 years ago and really hurt my back and hip and now I am afraid of riding and getting hurt again. So I have been avoiding going to the local stables to get in touch with the equine industry again.
Each day I drink at least 2 bottles of wine and I start at it earlier each day. I hate who I am. I want to know who I REALLY am, but I am scared that I won't like my new self any more than my "now" self..
I remember going to Alateen as a kid and I hated it! There was way more info than I was ready to comprehend at the time. My mom sent my sisters and I to Alateen to help us deal with our dad's alcoholism. I remember telling the group (I was 10 or 11 at the time) that my dad wasn't an alkie, he just had a "drinking problem". They all laughed at me for my naivetee (sp?) and I was so embarrassed at the time. I felt like everyone was telling me that my life sucked but I just didn't realize it.
So...I have a rather negative feeling about attending AA and quite frankly I am afraid to confront my problems publically.
I have had a Higher Power (God) since our first child was diagnosed with cancer and I believe in my salvation, but WHY would a loving God allow this to happen? I am so sick and tired of being "strong". Many people have commented on how strong I have been through my kids' cancer treatments (gee, like I had a choice!) and I am sick to death of having to be strong.
My DH loves me dearly and would do anything for me if he just knew what it is that I need. Heck, I don't even know!
Please forgive the length of this post, but I have had no one to talk to for the past 7 years and I can't unload ALL of my feelings of inadequacy on my DH. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than me and I'll tell you, I am scared to death that he will eventually get sick of me and leave, because of my alcoholism.
I guess I just need a friend and words of encouragement. Although the encouragement thing is hard for me to swallow. Yeah, yeah. yeah...I deserve better - WHY? Things will get better..WHEN and HOW! You have hard hard times...WHO HASN'T?
Why did my God forsake me all these times? I love Him so much, but he wants me to do things that scare the crap out of me and he has allowed me to suffer through some really bad stuff.
Do I have to hit "rock bottom" to be able to seek the help I need? I hope not, but at this point I am so comfortable with copping a major buzz and then passing out so I don't have to deal. I thought I was a normal person, but I suppose "normal" is just an illusion or a state of mind.
Apparently my post is a "venting" post, but I really need to talk with others who are dealing with similar situations.
Thanks for takling the time to ready my very lengthy post.
Joan aka lonelywino
I am married 18 years to a loving and wonderful man and have had 4 kids. Our firstborn died 12 years ago from brain cancer, but we have two healthy boys (ages 10 and 8) and a 6 year old daughter who is in remission from leukemia for 1 1/2 years now. She also has optic nerve tumors which we are monitoring closely with her doctors.
I have an alcoholic father and an alcoholic younger sister (who has been quadriplegic for 10 years) and now I get to join the club. It sucks. I am an at-home mom and we live 800 miles from our family and friends. I have no friends here and my drinking has prevented me from seeking out and making new friends. I feel so alone ALL the time. As an at-home mom all I have to do in a day is take care of my family, clean house, clean house and clean house. I am so completely bored with my life and don't know what to do with myself.
I have ALWAYS dreamed of owning a horse (or horses), but in my "old age" (I am almost 41) I have come to realize that my one and only dream will probably never come true. When I was a kid I didn't care if I fell off a horse, because my body was resilient. Well, it's not resilient anymore! lol! I fell of a draft horse 3 years ago and really hurt my back and hip and now I am afraid of riding and getting hurt again. So I have been avoiding going to the local stables to get in touch with the equine industry again.
Each day I drink at least 2 bottles of wine and I start at it earlier each day. I hate who I am. I want to know who I REALLY am, but I am scared that I won't like my new self any more than my "now" self..
I remember going to Alateen as a kid and I hated it! There was way more info than I was ready to comprehend at the time. My mom sent my sisters and I to Alateen to help us deal with our dad's alcoholism. I remember telling the group (I was 10 or 11 at the time) that my dad wasn't an alkie, he just had a "drinking problem". They all laughed at me for my naivetee (sp?) and I was so embarrassed at the time. I felt like everyone was telling me that my life sucked but I just didn't realize it.
So...I have a rather negative feeling about attending AA and quite frankly I am afraid to confront my problems publically.
I have had a Higher Power (God) since our first child was diagnosed with cancer and I believe in my salvation, but WHY would a loving God allow this to happen? I am so sick and tired of being "strong". Many people have commented on how strong I have been through my kids' cancer treatments (gee, like I had a choice!) and I am sick to death of having to be strong.
My DH loves me dearly and would do anything for me if he just knew what it is that I need. Heck, I don't even know!
Please forgive the length of this post, but I have had no one to talk to for the past 7 years and I can't unload ALL of my feelings of inadequacy on my DH. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than me and I'll tell you, I am scared to death that he will eventually get sick of me and leave, because of my alcoholism.
I guess I just need a friend and words of encouragement. Although the encouragement thing is hard for me to swallow. Yeah, yeah. yeah...I deserve better - WHY? Things will get better..WHEN and HOW! You have hard hard times...WHO HASN'T?
Why did my God forsake me all these times? I love Him so much, but he wants me to do things that scare the crap out of me and he has allowed me to suffer through some really bad stuff.
Do I have to hit "rock bottom" to be able to seek the help I need? I hope not, but at this point I am so comfortable with copping a major buzz and then passing out so I don't have to deal. I thought I was a normal person, but I suppose "normal" is just an illusion or a state of mind.
Apparently my post is a "venting" post, but I really need to talk with others who are dealing with similar situations.
Thanks for takling the time to ready my very lengthy post.
Joan aka lonelywino
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
You don't have to hit any 'bottom' to seek help. In my opinion you are seeking help by posting here, and there are lots of folks here who can talk with you at any time. Forum boards can be very helpful, especially if you're feeling isolated.
Many people here are in AA and can give you advice about how to make it work for you after all these years. Or you could consider some online meetings--many people who don't want to stand up in public find internet meetings very helpful.
If you don't want to use AA, there are other organizations: SOS, SMART Recovery, LifeRing, and others. Here's a link that gives some basic info about some of them:
http://www.rrci.net/recovery_spectrum.htm
Please don't hesitate to post about your situation here, and take care,
Don S
ps--at 41, you're not too old to own a horse! Maybe we can talk about how your fears and anxiety are holding you back from enjoying life.
Many people here are in AA and can give you advice about how to make it work for you after all these years. Or you could consider some online meetings--many people who don't want to stand up in public find internet meetings very helpful.
If you don't want to use AA, there are other organizations: SOS, SMART Recovery, LifeRing, and others. Here's a link that gives some basic info about some of them:
http://www.rrci.net/recovery_spectrum.htm
Please don't hesitate to post about your situation here, and take care,
Don S
ps--at 41, you're not too old to own a horse! Maybe we can talk about how your fears and anxiety are holding you back from enjoying life.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: toronto, ontario, canada
Posts: 224
Dear Joan, You have had some major hardships in your life and I can hear your pain. I too used to drink a minimum of 2 bottles of wine a day and could not go without any more than a day or two but then I eventually couldn't go a day without. I didn't know it at the time, but I was trying to drown out the way i felt. It wasn't until I got sober that I realized all my pain and I am learning to deal with it today sober and have a new sense of self that is one of strength and hope. AA has been a help to me but i also had to get some outside help to deal with past losses and am in therapy. Things look brighter for me today. I am healthier and more available to my loved ones. I hope you can find your way as I have found mine. Life is no bowl of cherries but I am no longer choking on the pits. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Well, as Don said, you don't have to hit bottom. The fact that you're posting here may suggest you're at your bottom but I don't think you are. You still seem to have conditions that you want met like the way you feel about AA for instance. You mentioned how boring your life is. Maybe your life just has to plain "suck" before you're ready to do something. You don't want to air your problems publicly, but I have to ask: How is dealing with them in private working for you. I don't envy what you've gone through up to this point. Don't know as I could handle things any better than you have but I do believe one thing. The worst thing about falling down is not getting up. You have a choice here. You can sit behind that computer and stay really anonymous while sharing your problems or you can get out of the house and sit with people who can help you work through what you're dealing with here. Your main concern today as I see it is your drinking. If you can't quit by yourself, maybe you need help. AA has been working for me for a long time. Try it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Welcome Lonely Wino,You are no longer all alone.I do't understand human suffering,its purpose,or anything.I dont know the bigger plan.God,s Plan.There is a book that may be helpful to you.Its called,When bad things happen to good people.By Harold.S.Kushner.His child was also very ill,passed away,and had alot of questions about,why?His book helped to give me new insights.
Im not sure why you think that you have to pubically talk about your problems in AA meetings?..I have a sponsor,that i talk to,for the really big issues in my life.When or if i feel like sharring with others i do.,at meetings.I always share with my sponsor.A probelm shared is automatically cut in half.Its out of me,when i share it,and then i can start to work the 12 steps,one step at a time, through it all...When i first came to the rooms of recovery i didnt say anything.I was totally burned out.I listened,for a long time.it was to my sponsor that i really talked,with.As im growing,hearing others share,im getting more comphy to share also.It was a process for me.What i knew for sure,is that before program my will and the way i was thinking/acting/and dealing with life was not working.In the Big book,of AA it talks about being ...willing...to go to any lenghts for my soberiety.I had the gift of despration,and i believe that God,was even then looking out for me,because i said yes i am.And for the very first time ever in my life,i was willing to ...follow,,this program.That was a first for me ever,to follow..Before this,i always had to put my oar in,,change something about what i was learning.What i liked what i didnt.The truth for me is that all that stuff i was telling myself,did not work.Thats why i was here for recovery.And what did i know about recovery back then.?Nothing,because i never lived in recovery before.So i followed..From the Big Book...Rarely have we seen a person fail.Who has throughly ..followed our path..
Keep on keeping on.Reaching out.Talking to others.You are no longer all alone.
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!
Im not sure why you think that you have to pubically talk about your problems in AA meetings?..I have a sponsor,that i talk to,for the really big issues in my life.When or if i feel like sharring with others i do.,at meetings.I always share with my sponsor.A probelm shared is automatically cut in half.Its out of me,when i share it,and then i can start to work the 12 steps,one step at a time, through it all...When i first came to the rooms of recovery i didnt say anything.I was totally burned out.I listened,for a long time.it was to my sponsor that i really talked,with.As im growing,hearing others share,im getting more comphy to share also.It was a process for me.What i knew for sure,is that before program my will and the way i was thinking/acting/and dealing with life was not working.In the Big book,of AA it talks about being ...willing...to go to any lenghts for my soberiety.I had the gift of despration,and i believe that God,was even then looking out for me,because i said yes i am.And for the very first time ever in my life,i was willing to ...follow,,this program.That was a first for me ever,to follow..Before this,i always had to put my oar in,,change something about what i was learning.What i liked what i didnt.The truth for me is that all that stuff i was telling myself,did not work.Thats why i was here for recovery.And what did i know about recovery back then.?Nothing,because i never lived in recovery before.So i followed..From the Big Book...Rarely have we seen a person fail.Who has throughly ..followed our path..
Keep on keeping on.Reaching out.Talking to others.You are no longer all alone.
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Joan wlcome to SR.
I am an alcoholic.I am also 41 and I certainly do not feel "old".
Alateen can seem like a very frightening place to a child with issues so I can understand your reaction to thos early meetings.
However, because AA was what worked for me and also helped me to find relief from the terrible lonliness I cannot help but suggest that you consider giving AA another try.
When I went to my first AA meeting at 35 I was essentially just a frightened little boy deep inside but by then I had acquired a few survival tools and new more about defending myself......so I went.....
AA helped me to take off the masks and to tear down the walls of defence that I had built around me.....oh, I also made a few friends too who are still with me today.
AA helped me to answer that all important question you ask yourself now. "Who am I?"
If you still feel the resolve to avoid AA please understand that you will always find understanding here and someone who will listen.
I am an alcoholic.I am also 41 and I certainly do not feel "old".
Alateen can seem like a very frightening place to a child with issues so I can understand your reaction to thos early meetings.
However, because AA was what worked for me and also helped me to find relief from the terrible lonliness I cannot help but suggest that you consider giving AA another try.
When I went to my first AA meeting at 35 I was essentially just a frightened little boy deep inside but by then I had acquired a few survival tools and new more about defending myself......so I went.....
AA helped me to take off the masks and to tear down the walls of defence that I had built around me.....oh, I also made a few friends too who are still with me today.
AA helped me to answer that all important question you ask yourself now. "Who am I?"
If you still feel the resolve to avoid AA please understand that you will always find understanding here and someone who will listen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 16
Thank You!
Thanks everyone for your replies. It's nice to be able to "talk" with other adults and I so appreciate your words of wisdom.
I do not plan to avoid AA. As a matter of fact I have checked on the local groups here. I just don't know which one to go to. And then, I am afraid to go. I guess you all can relate to the unecessary fear of your first AA meeting.
I feel so blah today that I can't stand it. Kids are home with pink-eye, the house is trashed, I don't know what to fix for dinner and I have absolutely no motivation in me to do anything at all.
I know my depression is fueled by alcohol, but at this point in my life it seems like the only thing that is there for me. I know, I know...it's such a lie.
Can anyone reccommend a specific AA group that may be for me? I really am terrified to go. I have such low self-esteem that I am afraid that I will go to a meeting and no one will even notice that I am there. Don't get me wrong. I like hanging out in the background, but I fear that no one will even notice that I am around.
I know I need to get out of this house and do SOMETHING. Anything. I just can't bring myself to believe that I am really worth the effort. Does that make any sense?
Again, thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. I am very glad I found SR.
Joan
I do not plan to avoid AA. As a matter of fact I have checked on the local groups here. I just don't know which one to go to. And then, I am afraid to go. I guess you all can relate to the unecessary fear of your first AA meeting.
I feel so blah today that I can't stand it. Kids are home with pink-eye, the house is trashed, I don't know what to fix for dinner and I have absolutely no motivation in me to do anything at all.
I know my depression is fueled by alcohol, but at this point in my life it seems like the only thing that is there for me. I know, I know...it's such a lie.
Can anyone reccommend a specific AA group that may be for me? I really am terrified to go. I have such low self-esteem that I am afraid that I will go to a meeting and no one will even notice that I am there. Don't get me wrong. I like hanging out in the background, but I fear that no one will even notice that I am around.
I know I need to get out of this house and do SOMETHING. Anything. I just can't bring myself to believe that I am really worth the effort. Does that make any sense?
Again, thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. I am very glad I found SR.
Joan
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Wino,
Look in the phone book and call the main AA office. They can help you find a meeting and maybe even someone to pick you up and show you around. You need to do some of the footwork yourself. I asked for help to get to my first meeting. You can at least call someone and ask for help.
Look in the phone book and call the main AA office. They can help you find a meeting and maybe even someone to pick you up and show you around. You need to do some of the footwork yourself. I asked for help to get to my first meeting. You can at least call someone and ask for help.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Joan,
Welcome and I'm glad you found us. I'm Anna, alcoholic, and I understand how lonely and lost you feel. Sometimes with a family, there are so many things to cope with that you just kind of keep going and don't allow yourself to feel much of anything. It sounds like you're ready to begin the journey to sobriety and you can find lots of support here. You can do this!
Anna
Welcome and I'm glad you found us. I'm Anna, alcoholic, and I understand how lonely and lost you feel. Sometimes with a family, there are so many things to cope with that you just kind of keep going and don't allow yourself to feel much of anything. It sounds like you're ready to begin the journey to sobriety and you can find lots of support here. You can do this!
Anna
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Joan!
I'm Chy, fellow alcoholic and equestrian (though it's been a while for me to). Please know your not alone, there is help, there is nothing to fear in sobriety and it is possible to get sober. We all understand and have been to varying levels of your own misery. I am very sorry about your losses, I truly am, but as you've found, alcohol isn't helping much right? Please consider the fellowship of AA, a counselor, or therapist, a spirtual advisor, but seek out the support readily available to you. We have online meetings here if you'd care to join us. You've got huge hugs coming your way, have courage, you can quit and be happy to!
I'm Chy, fellow alcoholic and equestrian (though it's been a while for me to). Please know your not alone, there is help, there is nothing to fear in sobriety and it is possible to get sober. We all understand and have been to varying levels of your own misery. I am very sorry about your losses, I truly am, but as you've found, alcohol isn't helping much right? Please consider the fellowship of AA, a counselor, or therapist, a spirtual advisor, but seek out the support readily available to you. We have online meetings here if you'd care to join us. You've got huge hugs coming your way, have courage, you can quit and be happy to!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Hi Joan, and welcome.
It's all been said above, by some of the finest souls I know.
Just wanted to add my welcome, and to tell you there is a Big Life away from the bottle.
And I couldn't wait a day longer to get it.
Glad you're here.
It's all been said above, by some of the finest souls I know.
Just wanted to add my welcome, and to tell you there is a Big Life away from the bottle.
And I couldn't wait a day longer to get it.
Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: midwest
Posts: 148
Hi Joan. So you are busy, stressed, unmotivated and bored. That sounds so very familiar to me. I just attended my first AA meeting this morning. I was scared to death and actually shed a few tears. Everyone was wonderful, and I met some truly caring people. After the opening, the women took me off to talk alone. Very supportive. And I was given my big book, required reading I was told. I've heard alot about the big book here, and was not even sure what it was. Anyway, do something for yourself, read a book, go get a manicure, have a soak in the tub. My neighbor seems to know how to take time for herself and she is a happier person for it. I am still working on that though. Just know you are not alone in how you feel. Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 16
Thanks~
Thank you for your post MBTIRED. You have described me to a tee!
My drinking is way out of hand and I can't find the motivation to stop. Heck, I can't even find the motivation to do dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, pet care, lunch making, dinner making or anything else you can think of that needs to be done by "Mom" each day!
I NEED to get myself to a meeting and I plan on going soon. I have the most wonderful husband! He said he would go to AA with me. I am scared to death to go and he has offered to go with me! What a guy!
Hubby's brother is alcoholic and took my old man with him to one of his meetings years ago. Geez, DH isn't even an alkie and he has been to more AA meetings than me!
How did you motivate yourself to go to a meeting? I have absolutely NO motivation to do ANYTHING whatsoever!
My parents and sisters are so worried about me. I hate it when thay call me. I am so sure that they will ask me about my drinking and I am NOT a good liar. Everyone can see right through me. I can't stand it that they worry about me. I feel so bad about putting THEM through this!
Anyway, I am feeling much better today despite my continued alcohol depression. I still haven't cleaned the house, done the dishes nor the laundry, but I DO know what I am fixing for dinner! That's a plus, isn't it?!
I am such a caregiver. I guess with all of our "cancer experience" (sp?) I have learned to take care of others. We have good friends in Hawaii (that we met during our daughter's bone marrow transplant in Seattle) that just lost their 13 year old to leukemia. I am hurting so much for the family and I just can't seem to put life into perspective. The Hawaii mom is also alcoholic and I don't blame her a bit. They have been dealing with their daughter's cancer for 7 years and all of a sudden their daughter is gone! I can totally relate to their grief, but it killing me as well.
Anyway, thanks again for the post from everyone here. I am so glad that I was led to this website. I am lost and you all have found me. Even in my despicable condition! Thank you all for caring!
Joan
My drinking is way out of hand and I can't find the motivation to stop. Heck, I can't even find the motivation to do dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, pet care, lunch making, dinner making or anything else you can think of that needs to be done by "Mom" each day!
I NEED to get myself to a meeting and I plan on going soon. I have the most wonderful husband! He said he would go to AA with me. I am scared to death to go and he has offered to go with me! What a guy!
Hubby's brother is alcoholic and took my old man with him to one of his meetings years ago. Geez, DH isn't even an alkie and he has been to more AA meetings than me!
How did you motivate yourself to go to a meeting? I have absolutely NO motivation to do ANYTHING whatsoever!
My parents and sisters are so worried about me. I hate it when thay call me. I am so sure that they will ask me about my drinking and I am NOT a good liar. Everyone can see right through me. I can't stand it that they worry about me. I feel so bad about putting THEM through this!
Anyway, I am feeling much better today despite my continued alcohol depression. I still haven't cleaned the house, done the dishes nor the laundry, but I DO know what I am fixing for dinner! That's a plus, isn't it?!
I am such a caregiver. I guess with all of our "cancer experience" (sp?) I have learned to take care of others. We have good friends in Hawaii (that we met during our daughter's bone marrow transplant in Seattle) that just lost their 13 year old to leukemia. I am hurting so much for the family and I just can't seem to put life into perspective. The Hawaii mom is also alcoholic and I don't blame her a bit. They have been dealing with their daughter's cancer for 7 years and all of a sudden their daughter is gone! I can totally relate to their grief, but it killing me as well.
Anyway, thanks again for the post from everyone here. I am so glad that I was led to this website. I am lost and you all have found me. Even in my despicable condition! Thank you all for caring!
Joan
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Joan
It's great to hear from you and I am glad that you are feeling a bit better today. I know the struggle with getting to that first meeting...all I can say is phone AA in the phone book...explain it's your first time..you aren't required to give full name, just Joan.
They will try to get someone to pick you up and if not, you can meet someone say at a landmark you know and you can both travel from there.
I PROMISE YOU that it will be a turning point for you. It's not a magic wand, but I am still amazed and humbled by what I find there...and I am new to AA. But, what a gift! I can't believe that such humble, peaceful people exist! and how they have suffered! It truly is a gift and I hope you grasp it with OPEN arms! Please just give it a try - I know you're not motivated, but jeez who can be with a hangover!! I know the feeling all too well believe me! DRAG yourself there if you have to...you will never, ever forget it.
Please keep us posted!
Cath
x
It's great to hear from you and I am glad that you are feeling a bit better today. I know the struggle with getting to that first meeting...all I can say is phone AA in the phone book...explain it's your first time..you aren't required to give full name, just Joan.
They will try to get someone to pick you up and if not, you can meet someone say at a landmark you know and you can both travel from there.
I PROMISE YOU that it will be a turning point for you. It's not a magic wand, but I am still amazed and humbled by what I find there...and I am new to AA. But, what a gift! I can't believe that such humble, peaceful people exist! and how they have suffered! It truly is a gift and I hope you grasp it with OPEN arms! Please just give it a try - I know you're not motivated, but jeez who can be with a hangover!! I know the feeling all too well believe me! DRAG yourself there if you have to...you will never, ever forget it.
Please keep us posted!
Cath
x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by LonelyWino
Why did my God forsake me all these times? I love Him so much, but he wants me to do things that scare the crap out of me and he has allowed me to suffer through some really bad stuff.
Do I have to hit "rock bottom" to be able to seek the help I need? I hope not, but at this point I am so comfortable with copping a major buzz and then passing out so I don't have to deal. I thought I was a normal person, but I suppose "normal" is just an illusion or a state of mind.
Joan aka lonelywino
Do I have to hit "rock bottom" to be able to seek the help I need? I hope not, but at this point I am so comfortable with copping a major buzz and then passing out so I don't have to deal. I thought I was a normal person, but I suppose "normal" is just an illusion or a state of mind.
Joan aka lonelywino
First, God did not, has not, forsaken you. He is there all the time. If there is distance between you and God, you left Him, He didn't leave you. Perhaps, like me, you took Him for granted, then felt unworthy to ask Him for help for yourself. I kinda figured, "What right do I have to ask for help? I have not REALLY talked to God in years, and now, my first conversation with Him in years, I'm supposed to have the audicity to ask for something for myself?" Actually, yes, you do have that right...matter of fact, all God wants is for you to sincerely and humbly ask, and He will provide. Just ask, that's all.
As for if you have to hit rock bottom...well, only you know the answer to that. Do you have to lose home, husband, children, family, friends...do you have to lose EVERYTHING before getting help? Not really, but you have to do something. I said DO something. Recovery is referred to as WORKING a program...not reading about it, not memorizing the steps, not comitting the big book of AA to memory.
Don't think about going to a meeting, go.
Don't think about working the 12 steps, work them.
Don't think about using recovery tools to quit, use them, and quit.
The program isn't easy, but it's pretty damn simple.
BubbaBob
"I thought sobriety would impress God and He would open the gates of heaven and let me in.
When He didn't, I was disappointed.
Then I discovered that, instead, He had opened the gates of hell and let me out."
Happy Christmas!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: on a wire near you
Posts: 33
When I went to my first meeting I was sick and shaking because I hadn't had a drink that day. I was scared too. Someone gave me a cup of tea and sat beside me, giving me words of encouragement, and after the meeting everyone came up to me and asked me to please don't drink and please come back. It was the most kindness I have ever witnessed- they knew how I felt.
I'll never forget it, and I hope you have the same experience.
I'll never forget it, and I hope you have the same experience.
weepingwillow
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 4
I hope you get this - I just joined tonight myself and can't hardly get how to do this or find my place on the web site. Six years ago, my little 2-year-old boy was killed while at Bible school. I also have two more children - ages 15 & 18 - and I'm an alcoholic. I wonder also why God did this to me. I am pretty, smart, outgoing, etc. My husband and I divorced after we lost our little one, so I am alone and I feel like my dreams (being a writer) are gone. But let's not give up. You can still have that horse and I can still be a writer. This seems like a good place to start. You will know what I mean when I say "I understand your pain". (because I, like you, knows nobody can) Hope you get this and we can talk.
weepingwillow
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 4
new too
I hope you get this - I just joined tonight myself and can't hardly get how to do this or find my place on the web site. Six years ago, my little 2-year-old boy was killed while at Bible school. I also have two more children - ages 15 & 18 - and I'm an alcoholic. I wonder also why God did this to me. I am pretty, smart, outgoing, etc. My husband and I divorced after we lost our little one, so I am alone and I feel like my dreams (being a writer) are gone. But let's not give up. You can still have that horse and I can still be a writer. This seems like a good place to start. You will know what I mean when I say "I understand your pain". (because I, like you, knows nobody can) Hope you get this and we can talk.
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