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Life Goes On (was Oh Well?) Part 3

Old 12-23-2021, 06:05 PM
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Hey broster
I’ll take a modicum over a deficit any day.
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Old 12-27-2021, 01:49 PM
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Merry Christmas to you too, Dee.

Turns out youngest also has covid, so didn't go anywhere after all. All of my kids are double-vax'd, but this omicron variant seems to be a sneaky little germ. I'm glad to be a hermit, still. I'm sure it's saved me from picking anything up in my infrequent forays into the world.

The day here was another kind of different than the others. Eldest slept on the couch until 2pm and was horribly remorseful when she finally woke up. I assured her that no remorse was necessary and sat her down to eat some of the HUGE breakfast I'd prepared. She felt better after that. We watched some movies, she made an extravagant dinner, and that was pretty much it. The gifts will keep until we reach a quorum that is willing/able to gather.

Yesterday and today, I've again been faced with those "I could drink" sort of feelings. Still putting that down to this having historically been a difficult time of year for me. Plus also, I have opportunity as I'm off work for the week and there is an extremely low probability of any of the kids dropping by. Not to mention, there's an anniversary coming up. Stupid beast. IT thinks it can use 'reason' to convince me how solid I am, so therefore I can (should) drink.

And so I go on about my business, keeping myself no fewer than two steps away from a drink. IT (the beast) natters at me at home, but goes silent while I'm out. It's almost like IT knows there's no sense in actually asking while there's an opportunity - IT just wants to be a jerk. Well, I don't let anyone bully me anymore; this is foundational for my sobriety.

And that's that.
It's a good thing I never drink now, huh.
*big sigh*
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Old 12-27-2021, 05:07 PM
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Yep , really good thing.

Hugs , right back atcha
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Old 12-28-2021, 04:31 AM
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Hey O and friends,
Happy holidays! I got locked out of SR and then decided to use it as a break, which did not keep me from thinking about all of you and cheering from afar.
I am fine, as are my crew. The four of us (together with eldest's SO makes five) just landed in my home in South Florida to spend the New Year. Feel very lucky to be here with all the testing requirements and cancelled flights etc.
More generally, work and life goes on - busier than ever, which is great but, well, busy.
I was trying to figure out the other day how long since I last had a drink and I think its coming up on seven years (maybe six, but who is counting, clearly not me). I can only affirm that the longer the time since my last drink, the less it crosses my mind, which is like, never these days. Every once in a long while when I am highly stressed it may fleet across my mind, but not as a real possibility, more as a thought that goes as quickly as it comes.
I gives thanks regularly for my new life, for the freedom sobriety gives me, and I thank all of you for that. IMO we all walk the road to becoming non-drinkers on our own, but finding support is essential, and in my case, that was from all of you and it was instrumental to giving me the strength to change. You were my support, only you, so thanks friends, I thank you all.
And BTW, we rock, just saying.
PS. O, why are you concerned about the humming, perhaps its the drummer you beat to, so why disturb. Is it bothering you, or your daughter??
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Old 12-29-2021, 05:05 AM
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You rock, Dropsie.
I'm so glad to see you back! I've missed you.

It's a wonder you made it to Florida. I hope you'll be able to stay put for awhile? It looks like it's going to be at least several weeks until this surge dies down. Hanging around in airports due to delayed flights is probably not on the Top 10 list of Fun Things to Do for anyone...

I'm really starting to think more seriously about retirement; how about you? I could actually pull it off because I have an awful lot of experience with being ruthlessly frugal, but I'm procrastinating for no real reason aside from... I don't know. Inertia? Fear? No directions to the Crone Castle? Something.

I've been spending much of my vacation time procrastinating about getting my car repaired so that I can take my road test to regain my lapsed driver's license and be a real person again. (It's remarkable how many times one needs a driver's license for things not related to driving.) I finally made the call (twice!) - and it turns out the dealership doesn't deal with body work. (???) So I'll get the check engine light recall thing and my 90,000 service done at one place ($$$) and then get my windshield replaced some other place. I'm pleased to say I've already done some research and gotten one quote for this ($$).

I'm already feeling "trapped" at the prospect of not having my car - completely illogical as I don't really go anywhere, but there you have it. This introduces that old ghost of the beast who whispers, "If you won't have a car, you'd better get your booze now." Old thought patterns die hard, don't they. It's good to hear that they might fade to a mere passing thought perhaps six (seven?) years in. Bah - it will all get better once we're past all of this holiday jazz. I'm keeping my sights set on the time beyond Martin Luther King day.

As far as gratitude goes, I return it to you in spades, Drops. You and the rest of this little village were - and continue to be - a huge help in my recovery.

p.s. The humming is annoying. But it's more irritating to try to make it stop, so I'm not worrying about it (any more). I think it's quite plausible that it has to do with this danGed constant ringing in my ears, and I definitely prefer the humming annoyance over focusing on the tinnitus. I think it does irritate or bother eldest, but that's ok - she just tells me when I'm doing it and I stop. Interestingly enough, I noticed that the ringing also stopped when she and I were blabbing on Christmas day. (I asked her to stop talking for a moment just so I could confirm that. ) I like the thought of the humming/ringing just being my different drummer - I'll try that one on for size. Acceptance is a very useful skill...
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Old 01-01-2022, 06:18 AM
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I figured out that its seven, and the better part of five years before that, so not too bad.

I have to be honest, I have no interest in retiring, but I am clearly in the minority when I listed to my friends. I did hear a talk the other day that we have to plan to be 110, which means I may get to see all my grand kids, but I need quite a bit more in my piggy back before I hang it up.

Good luck with the car repairs and the license.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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Old 01-03-2022, 09:25 AM
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Well, I sure hope that I don't live to be 110 - I'm not sure I could stand the culture shock. Seriously. I mean it would be great if I could live to see things turn around and get on a more positive, life-affirming path out there in the world, but I've just about lost hope for that. Maybe in four or five years I'll see it differently. I sure hope so. Drops, work is so stressful for you - why would you not want to retire? Do you intend to scale back at some point, do you think?

The car is in the shop and the windshield people will meet it there to do the replacement. Turns out that the 5 (!) recalls on my vehicle took care of the warning lights, which was really the only mechanical issue I was concerned with. But of course, the brakes are worn, I need an oil change, they recommended that I replace my (hybrid) battery, and I don't know... a few other things. It occurs to me today that I could have just gone and picked it up once the recall repairs were complete and gotten the balance completed at a locally-owned shop, but... too late. So I will have it back perhaps next Monday, and my test is the following Tuesday. In the meantime, I am... just fine! Don't feel trapped at all.

I go back to work Wednesday, so am making the most out of these last couple of free days doing important research like, what would it take to retire, when can I do that, and also what are the top 100 movies of all time? I somewhat arbitrarily picked Stacker's list and wrote it down with the intention of watching them all. I wonder, too - if one purchases movies on Amazon, can they be willed to a survivor upon the owner's death? I would love to own a bunch of movies digitally, but also would like to know that I can pass them along when I die at 110. Anyhow, I did purchase the top two - The Godfather and 12 Angry Men, because those are danged good movies.

In the meantime, I'm uncovering some unnerving thoughts. Things like really realizing that none of my 5 siblings turned out to be mentally healthy adults. Some of us did better than others, but just imagine - I'm probably the most healthy at this point. That speaks volumes, doesn't it?

And also, I am wondering if I really like my oldest childhood friend? I love her dearly, but also her crusty exterior can be really hard to penetrate. It's always been this way, but I guess in some ways we've recently changed positions in regard to the amount of stress we are bearing - hers is much more than mine. And her mechanism whether she is vulnerable or whether I am is to dominate the conversation. I got sarcastic with her the other day when she corrected me, and she then corrected me again about my response. Fair enough, but while it was maybe just a blip for her, I feel unsettled about it. Guess I'll have to Person Up and have a conversation with her about this some time.

And also, the whole discussion of AA being about 'people' got me thinking about myself and where I fall within that spectrum. But I started that thinking based on wondering what my relationship is with other people, and I think actually that exploration needs to start by figuring out me.

I see Daniel Tiger tomorrow. Good thing.

ttfn

p.s. SoHard and Tats, please come out come out wherever you are!
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Old 01-03-2022, 08:01 PM
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Double Indemnity , and not just for the shock of seeing Fred MacMurray not knowing best , or anything about flubber.

True Romance , The Bridge Over The River Kwai, A Few Good Men, almost any Hepburn and Tracy pairing , Casablanca , Key Largo and more Bogart, I’ll come up with like eighty more , lol.
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Old 01-04-2022, 06:11 AM
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I dont like my oldest childhood friend, but I still keep up with her. She doesn't have a lot of friends etc, but mainly, I am just a loyal gal. And like punishment...
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Old 01-09-2022, 06:09 AM
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Yeah, the dilemma for me with the childhood friend is that I've been saying for years here that she's my 'best' friend. It's another story I've told myself (and another type of clinging) that may be true but also isn't. Wow, would you look at that - it's also a paradox. Sweet Mary, all of this would have twisted my brain right out of my head a few years ago. For the past several weeks, I've been thinking/feeling thoughts like, "How pitiful you are, O; you don't even really like your best friend all that much. What does that say about you and your desperate failing to be a functioning/loveable human being?"

This is why I write. Oftentimes I don't even know what I'm thinking/feeling until I actually put it down on the page. And now, after long hard practice, I can look at that feeling with its own resulting thoughts (or maybe vice versa, or maybe both) and it's... ok. I mean, it's really ok. Not stuffed, not thrown into the cauldron; it just is. And that lets me release that bad mojo and rebalance. Incredible.

Thanks, Drops. You just never know when you're going to drop a little kernel that strikes another person exactly where it's needed. You did that.
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Old 01-09-2022, 06:49 AM
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I lost touch with my best friend for years and only recently reconnected via phone a year ago. We both have had our struggles with drink and depression over the years— both our parents were dysfunctional alcoholics and we bonded over that as freshman in high school.

At the height of my drinking, I was pretty toxic and garbled, and she was (in my view) making some serious errors in parenting which caused tension between us, and we pretty much stopped phoning each other for better part of a decade. To be clear, she was / is an intensely loving mother but was so identified in that role I could see her kids pushing back and worried for all of them when kids wanted their adult autonomy.

That turned out to be a valid concern, but I try to support and validate where she is now. She has quite a bit of insight naturally and also having raised super-articulate and thoughtful kids who are now pretty clear on boundaries. She is still struggling with alcohol and I think has some physiological roots for depression, but is such a wonderful human being despite all this I am in awe. I way more a jaded bi-ach, and have no kids but three generations of dogs and many empty bottles as my legacy instead.

What is honest here is that I am not sure either of us has the bandwidth to really rebuild our friendship to what it once was. So many things unshared, so much emotional fatigue dealing with family crisis and our own swelling childhood pain ebbing up, drunk numb, ebbing up, etc. . . We both have an open heart to one another—I feel that and know it is precious; but there is a river of life experience now between us that may not be able to be crossed.
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Old 01-09-2022, 06:57 AM
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Today is finally the day I'll celebrate the magic of Christmas gift-giving with my girls. I hope. That's the plan anyhow. I dusted and swept and vacuumed yesterday. Arrayed the gifts in an appealing display, stuffed some stockings (last year for that!), redecorated my little faux fir tree that the cats had knocked over (again), and started a roast in the crock pot. And as I was doing these things, I thought more than once about how difficult this would have been for me while I was a drinking person - whether I was currently drinking or not. It would have been stressful, frustrating, overwhelming. Instead it was just a minor pain in the hind quarters. So... we'll see. If they don't all show up, that will be a bummer, but not the end of the world. True to form, I just realized that it's very sad for me to see wrapped presents sitting around waiting for someone to eventually retrieve them. So if someone doesn't show, I'll just unwrap those gifts and put them in a closet somewhere. Problem solved.

I watched The Tender Bar on Amazon yesterday. Two thumbs up even though it's not on the Top 100 list. Started on The Lord of the Rings (which is on the list) but quickly realized this is not a movie that lends itself to multi-tasking. And also I wonder if I should read The Hobbit again before watching the movie. Which leads me to think about purchasing the book set. And it is this meandering train of thought that has kept me from returning to the movie. Or the Top 100 list. That's a whole circuitous line of reasoning all itself now that I've written it down. It seems like some sort of assignment now, you see?

I heard from my long lost 3-years-ago IOP friend yesterday. Finally. She's almost four weeks sober and just knows it's different this time. I asked, "How do you know?" and she said it basically came down to the stark choice to live or die. I get that. She's got an old-school sponsor and is willing to do the steps as guided, which is the more contemporary way they're done around here. Starts with Step 1 as a written assignment in which the sponsee itemizes all of the blood and gore to be reviewed with the sponsor... If you know me even a little bit, you know I think that's ridiculous and also not correct, but in a feat of amazing restraint, I didn't (exactly) tell my friend how much this way of doing the steps infuriates me. Instead, after she expressed some difficulty with the mantras and some of what she is reading, I just offered to be her sounding board for those intellectual struggles. You know, cuz I've been there. And I figured those aren't things she feels she can discuss with her sponsor, which she doesn't. I get that too. So I hope she will stay the course and I hope too that I'll be able to be of service in whatever way best supports her.

It's been quite cold here lately. One of my boy cats is very unhappy that he's not allowed outside. I've told him repeatedly that I draw the line at freezing temps, but he doesn't seem to understand. So he comes by periodically to meow in my face and I tell him again. He's much more adorable (and snuggly) than the beast, so it's really no bother at all.

My car is still at the dealership. When I called yesterday, the guy put me on hold for awhile to check around then came back to say, "Good news! It's looking like it might be ready for you on Monday! We'll let you know. Thanks for calling!" When I tried to get a word in, it was clear that he was trying to get me off the phone via his enthusiastic brusk-ness. I said, "No, Wait. It can't maybe be ready on Monday - I really need it done by Monday." And he said, "We'll call you when it's ready! Thanks for calling!" click. My road test is Wednesday. I'd really prefer to actually drive the car a few minutes before I test in it - y'know?

The information technology staff have been asked to volunteer for some shifts at the hospitals and clinics because the Baltimore area is being hit incredibly hard with omicron. My boss told me she assumed I would decline to volunteer and I said, "au contraire," but anyhow my assignment is to stay back at the ranch tending the home fires. And that's ok. But I would like to help take some of the burden off the clinicians. I guess I'll just focus on doing that from where I am - it's not like they don't need us to do computer stuff to help them out too. They do.

Ok a little bit long to read and I won't strain your eyes with all of the other stuff that's top o my brain; I do thank you for listening as I meander through this 'processing' jazz.

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Old 01-09-2022, 07:17 AM
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Hope things go well with girls today O—I think your idea to re-read Lord of Rings and maybe Hobbit too is a good one. I suggest listening to Rob Ingles unabridged audio version—actually better than reading in my view
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Old 01-11-2022, 08:25 AM
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How was it with the girls?

My trip with mine was mixed.

I think I just need to accept that the eldest will always be hard on me, sure I earned it.

XXX
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Old 01-11-2022, 11:28 AM
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Now Hawk, you know how I feel about listening to books. I think? Anyhow, it's not ever been anything I've been able to enjoy. I get so distracted by the reader's voice(s) not matching my imagination... But I agree that purchasing the books would be a nice addition to my household. I went looking online and couldn't find the bindings/format that I like, so I guess I may need to venture out to a brick and mortar book store. Once I have my driver's license.

After all three of us texted youngest (who had agreed previously on this date), she finally responded that she was basically ok but couldn't come. And that was all right. I sent her gifts with one of the girls so that they could deliver them to her. The rest of us had a nice time. Middlest remarked several times on how fun it was, so that's good. It was low key, no one overstayed their welcome, no one accused me of saying anything untoward.

Drops, I don't think you need to accept eldest being hard on you, but I think I know you mean you need to expect it? Either way, I think there is a limit to the amount of time that we should expect to be punished for our misdeeds. Or at least to accept it. Remarkably, those boundaries are in place with my kids, but I honestly don't know if I set them or they did. Does she know how hard you take what you get from her? I think sometimes our kids forget that we're people too.

XO
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Old 01-13-2022, 01:07 PM
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Got the car back Tuesday.

Driving up to the road test place, the tire pressure light came on. Which the service tech told me earlier that they'd fixed. Fingers crossed that the DMV would still let me do the test. They did. I failed . The examiner was clearly disappointed that he had to do it, but I hit a curb and that's an automatic fail. Easiest test in the world, too - I messed up by over-correcting. Oh well. Next try in two weeks. Keep it simple, O.

The car place told me my bill was $200 over what they had promised they wouldn't go over. They found a way to do some 'discounts' when I squawked - it went back down to the original quote. And they delivered the car to me at my request. (The original tech that they told me they fired must have really messed up - that's all I can figure.)

Oh and also, if you are way late for doing your emissions test and will be subject to a ton of late fees, have middlest drive the car. She had the guys at the testing place wrapped around her little finger in moments by turning on her young pretty girl charm. They reduced the fee to the original price - $14 instead of $149. Of course the car failed the test because I just had it serviced - doh. So I have a month to take it back and test again - for just $14.

Practicing self-worth doesn't only feel good - it saves money, too.
Not least of all, it's good reinforcement for that keeping sober stuff.
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Old 01-13-2022, 01:12 PM
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North by Northwest is checked off my list. I could've sworn I'd seen it before, but in fact I'd never watched it all the way through.
Cary Grant... what can I say?
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Old 01-16-2022, 04:12 PM
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O, I can't help but ask... how can you drive to take your driver's test? Without a license? Is it just taking a risk every time? That's what I would do It's winter here, meaning the second month of a five-month run on gray, cold weather. Depressing. ESPECIALLY because I have always survived winter by lacing up my shoes and running my face off BUT yesterday after a cold and invigorating 5-miler, I sat to eat my breakfast. When I stood, I basically couldn't walk. Terrible pain. Probably a partial tear on an MCL (a guess garnered from years hanging around running people). Crap. I will NOT be okay in my head if I can't run. Resting today, and maybe tomorrow, which is hard for me. Exercise is crucial for my headspace.

I have a handful of childhood friends. We are all very different now. Some of the friendships work, and some are... fine. The one that bothers me is my "best" friend, who is the most different from me now. I would call myself agnostic, and she found a level of Christian faith I almost didn't know existed in real people. Her discovery happened after we went separate ways to college; she did NOT have said faith in high school. She has developed a infuriating tendancy to place moral judgement on e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. It is very difficult for me to talk with her, because if I chat about something troublesome (which is what friends can do with one another, right?) she cannot help herself from telling me she'll pray for me, or suggest I pray, or tell me the answers are all out there if I let them in. We'll reminisce and she'll get weepy and shake her head and ruminate on God's plan. It makes me very very uncomfortable. I have thus far refused to ask her to stop, because if I do, I am certain the friendship will end, because her belief supersedes all other things. Besides, there is still value in the friendship-- she is, after all, the only one who knows about my awful sister or the story of my parent's divorce yadayada. I like that she knows those things. Someone should, besides me. I know about her hard childhood things, and I think she likes the knowing, too.

I hate it when grown children are mean to their parents because of past wrongs. My sister has been punishing my parents for 35 years-- both of them!--my Dad for an affair, my Mom for "letting" the affair happen--and they take it because they think they deserve it. It's ridiculous and painful and unfair. Just my two cents.
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Old 01-17-2022, 08:38 AM
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Well, FMN, one takes a properly licensed driver along! Because it's legal to drive as long as I have that person supervising me. In this case, middlest actually drove me to and fro. And they did ask for her license.

I'm so sorry you experienced that pain, my dear. Fingers crossed it was some sort of muscle spasmy thing that has since resolved. But if not, then I caution you to avoid those absolutes like you will NOT be ok in the head without xyz. Of course you will be ok in the head regardless. You're a badass who got sober, remember?

Thanks for telling about your best friend - it helps to know I'm not alone. Fortunately, my friend and I are on similar planes with our worldviews, but it's still a strain sometimes talking with her. It's like she thinks she knows me better than I know myself, but she hasn't really asked me about myself, you know? Not the important inside stuff. Probably because she guards her inside stuff so closely, right? I think maybe I'm afraid that if I were to just tell her how I feel that she might fade away into the night as she did for a couple of decades previously. I don't know... but it's not a riddle I need to solve today, if ever.
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Old 01-17-2022, 09:01 AM
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And in the blink of an eye that lasted at least a year, I've come to the anniversary of the beginning of my last binge. It was January 17, 2020 when I started drinking again - and kept on that way for the full two weeks to follow. It's not hard to remember the date - I clearly remember it was the Friday before Martin Luther King Day, and the decision had been made to drink. I didn't even stop to ask myself how I came to that conclusion. Didn't do anything to get help. Honestly didn't think about it at all. Which is weird given that I'd been doing All of The Things that were supposed to keep my sobriety in place. My only conscious thought as my car approached the liquor store was, "It's a long weekend - I can certainly do some damage and then recover in time for work Tuesday." Only it didn't go that way.

This year, I was certainly feeling the dis-ease leading up to this weekend, probably starting during the first week of January. But it took me at least a week to put that together with this anniversary. My addiction is still up to its tricks, but even if I don't know how it will manifest, I do know now how it feels. Any consideration I've had recently about drinking has been hypothetical at best (or is it worst? anyhow, the not scary kind).

What's keeping me from it? Damned if I know.

I think pretty much it's the simple fact that I never drink now.
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