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Life Goes On (was Oh Well?) Part 3

Old 02-20-2022, 02:18 PM
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Ok so that experiment failed.
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Old 02-20-2022, 02:41 PM
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Hey, Drops. The Superbowl is useless unless the Packers are playing. I have found that's an excellent time to go to Urgent Care, though - should the need arise. Which fortunately it did not this year. I don't care for the Rams either, and am agnostic about Cinci, so there you have it. Sorry it was a blowout for you all around. You'll always have the bus. <3

Good to see you FMN. I totally screwed my kids in regard to their teen years, but I was a total hard-liner on drinking. Still wound up with an alcoholic kid. Here's what she had to say about it - "No one tells you, not really. Like in health class, they talked about drugs and not to do them, which didn't mean much anyhow. But they spent virtually no time talking about how alcoholism works and how it progresses and that it's a trap you can't escape!" What would you think about telling your kids your story? I think it would be very powerful since they didn't know you in the bad old day... You know, my kids saw my decline, but that was not meaningful to them because all they felt was the abandonment by their selfish and immature mother. I'm pretty sure things would have been different if I'd had some sober time under my belt before those teenage years. (Not sure eldest wouldn't have taken the same path, but still..)

I think that having your kids know you have a BAC is probably a good step. But of course it won't detect other substances... and they do try stuff, you know? It's easy for me to armchair quarterback, but quite honestly, I think the best way to go (whether you tell them your story or not) is to have regular - like frequent and often - conversations about addiction and what it does to people. There are some good shows your could watch with them... "Ben is Back" and "Dope Sick" are a couple of things that come to mind. They're about other drugs, but if you emphasize that alcohol is no different, aside from being legal, I think that might spur some good conversations...

Bloody tuna!! Sounds like something to chant in the mirror three times with the lights off.

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Old 02-20-2022, 02:52 PM
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So about my boss. She has never written bad evaluation - they've all ranged from "good enough" (once, after rehab) to "really really good." But still she finds things to nitpick. I don't even know if she's aware that's what she is doing - or why. She certainly isn't speaking with me about it, and Lord knows I've given her the opportunities.

In that case, it's time (past time, you might say) to put this relationship squarely in the "Things I Cannot Change" box. Not sure exactly how to go about doing that serenely, but I sure am going to try. I don't particularly like that I'm watching the job postings every week and daydreaming about jumping her ship, but it happens. It's halfway through February and so I'm thinking she'll be on her way out this summer... can I hold out until then? For sure, since I never drink now. But do I want to hold out until then? Not so sure, especially if I decide to "deal with the trauma" in therapy. Which is something I am very seriously considering doing at the same time I am very seriously considering keeping all of that junk wrapped up tightly in the box.

Choices are a good thing to have.
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Old 02-20-2022, 10:30 PM
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Reading your last posts, and thinking back over our friendship, the phrase that came to mind is that we have come a long way baby!

XX
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Old 02-22-2022, 07:00 PM
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You're right, O. I agree. There is very little direct conversation in this society about the perils of alcohol. It is bizarre to me how acceptable drinking is.
So, yeah—what with the vaping that's the DOC for many high schoolers, and the drinking I know will soon be an acceptable DOC, frequent conversations with my kids happen a lot. I'm in education, and so is my husband; unfortunately we have a ton of experience watching kids experiment, and my kids are seeing their friends try it, and many of their friends' parents are big drinkers.
But always talk about it under the veil of other people. I've never admitted how ugly it got with me. I don't know how I feel about being completely honest. "Hey, kids, I used to put vodka in a Gatorade bottle and shove it in my purse for when we went to the zoo and didn't think I could get through an afternoon of stroller-pushing without it." Or, "I used to put you to bed at 7 so i could get to the real work of getting blasted before I feel into bed at 9."
I don't shy away from talking about the ugly of alcohol—I just don't use my own stories. Unfortunately I have many others. My brother, my husband's brother, a colleague at work who just went to rehab... Ugh... alcoholism is everywhere.
My son actually said once, "You know, you're the only parents I know who don't drink. ALL my friends' parents do. A LOT." I think he's right.

I have the BAC and also the drug test-- the kind that detects seven different drugs. I showed it to the kids and said I'd use it. I spent about $150 for tests I hope I'll never have to use.

The only reason I can see to tell them the whole truth is so they can watch out the genetic tie. I've got the gene fo sho. My husband drank a lot in college but then one day decided he didn't like how he looked or felt and stopped. Easy peasy. Total normie. Not me. I am not that. I'm the real thing and I'm convinced if I drank one drink I'd never come back from it.

What are your choices at work, O? You can wait out your boss. That might work. What else? A different role within your organization? What feels right?
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Old 02-25-2022, 01:58 PM
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I don't know, Next. Isn't part of the problem perhaps that we "other" people, even ourselves? This is a philosophical question but one that I think is relevant to the discussion. If they've never seen you intoxicated, I think it would be a revelation for them to know that you are one of those other people. On the other hand, I've never told my kids the awful and humiliating details that only another drunk would understand - drinking in the bathroom at their school recital, waking up peeing myself while seated on my bedroom floor, blasting poo through my clothing because I couldn't get home fast enough and anyhow just coughing was a risky endeavor for my innards - they saw enough to get the picture. For them, I don't think it would make any difference at all because like I say, they saw enough. But nor do I think telling your kids those kinds of details would be helpful in the least. No need to share your shame with them, right?

On the other hand, if you said, "You know, the reason I don't ever drink is because I became addicted to alcohol and it was godawful and so I will never drink the stuff again," I think that would pack a punch. On the other-other hand (I guess I'm down to a foot now since I ran out of hands), I have not told my coworkers that I had a problem which has since been resolved by never drinking now.. I've never yet objected out loud to someone making light of irresponsible drinking. But I get to work from home and have no social life, so that works out ok. I dunno, I'm just talking... But I do have a nephew who never even tried drinking. He told my mom that with his family history he just didn't want to take the risk. What a smart kid.

Choices at work:
- wait it out
- quit and find another job
- apply for an equivalent position in some cloistered area, such as report-writing
We learned the other day who our new director will be. She and I have always worked well together and she has a much better feel for social dynamics, so things might change on that front. I'll wait it out awhile.

My kid just showed up - gotta run!
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Old 02-25-2022, 01:59 PM
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But not before I say, yes my dear Drops, we certainly have come a very very long way!
Thank Goddess for that.
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Old 02-27-2022, 12:05 PM
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Next,
My kids saw enough, and if the little was too little, the eldest reminds her.
If they did not, I would tell them just what O suggested, and that only because they got my genes so they should know.
I don't tell anyone else. Either they know, because I knew them when I drink or they dont, in which case they know I dont drink but I dont say all the whys and wherefores. Might help some if I did, but the exposure for me is not worth it.
XX
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Old 04-05-2022, 02:59 AM
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I check once in a while so I am glad to see the forum is open once again.

Good to see the usual, and new ones, still here.
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Old 04-05-2022, 05:34 AM
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How are you Grymt? It’s good to see you too!
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Old 04-05-2022, 06:13 AM
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​I'm good, thanks for asking. Life is simple and peaceful.
(yawning atm, so bedtime beckons) Trusting you are well too.
I know it's hard for many people around the world these days. Peace to all​​​​​​
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