Garen

I have so much going for me.

That's it, plan and simple. My life is fantastic. I live in a beautiful small town in Texas after moving out of crowded Austin. My family loves, and I love them, and we all love close and I am blessed to see my brothers children daily. I get to wear nice clothing that gets compliments and I am getting ready to buy a new truck.

I have also learned to keep my finances in order, save money, invest, and I have a nice smart phone and laptop that I use to write to you lovely people write now. Literally I have every good thing in life a man can ask for except for a beautiful a woman, but I understand that comes later when I find peace with myself.

Why can I not stop being an idiot and poison myself? WHY!? I have been trying for years, and yes I have gotten better but I can drop it. And I should because there is no reason to continue. Period. I don't want to die

PeacefulWater12

I also had what others might view as a really good life, however I got sucked into alcoholism.

For me it was a physical reaction to the actual alcohol, then add cravings and a messed up mental attitude.

Obladi

Good morning!

This addiction stuff is so confounding, isn't it? I can completely relate to the frustration you're feeling. You've painted a picture of what looks like a really lovely life from the outside. It's very fortunate that you haven't lost all of that, right?

What do you think compels you to keep drinking against your own wishes?

I have 100% faith that you can beat this! It's not easy, but being willing and aware is a good part of the battle, and it seems like you are well on your way by starting (or starting again) to ask questions "out loud."

O

Garen

I admit I had a few drinks tonight, or this morning. But I will return after I wake up to give your response the thought that it deserves.

Honestlly to me it feels like a lingering habit that I cannot shake. But I would lying if I said I still did not have other insecurities. We all do, right?

Over the last 10 years I have done everything I can to improve my life, and honestly it's ideal. I have NOTHING to complain about. I am not trying to brag to rub it any ones face. Its the contrary, I don't get it.

I enjoy my job and its challenges, and that keeps me from drinking. But when I get home, I lose control. Its like I can't find a hobby other than drinking. Or I cant find something I love more.

I don't know. I have my insecurities like every human being. But to the point I drink myself to death? It makes no sense. I have no reason to do that.

aasharon90

If you are willing to learn then there are programs of recovery
available to all who want it and want to learn it and apply it
to their everyday life to stop the insanity and soul sickness
that comes with addiction.

The AA program of recovery was introduced to me back in
1990 when I entered a 28 day rehab stay with a 6 week after
care program attached.

The love and care of family helped me while I was there,
taking care of my little family until I was released and returned
home. From there I took this important knowledge and lessons
and began my recovery journey a day at a time applying it
to all areas of my life to achieve many of lifes rewarding gifts.

These gifts are not all material gifts which are all fine and
dandy. Those gifts cant always bring happiness. Those gift
come and go, but the ones we work so hard on will be the
one that will strength us inside our hearts, minds and souls.

I had to be taught about addiction and a program of recovery
to use as a guideline to make my amends to those ive hurt,
lied to, stole from. Resentments I held onto to learn how to
let go of. To clean up the wreckage of the past I made.

Then to take this knowledge and guideline of living to move
forward in my life and enhance it with gratitude and humility.

My recovery journey began 29 yrs ago and have used the
program of AA on a continuous bases to help me achieve
success in my own recovery life today.

With willingness, openmindedness and honesty, you too
can achieve success in all areas of your life like so many
have today.

Redmayne

Given that alcoholism is a two fold illness/disease consisting of a mental obsession and a physical allergy, in anyone recovery including my own.The first stage, not to be confused with A.A.'s first step , although they could well be the same is recognition and acceptance that for those who suffer from this. That it has nothing to do with your age, race, class, or (dis)ability or those people or things normally associated with them.

It does have everything to do with a person abusing alcohol to the point that they become alcohol dependent to the point that they become alcohol dependent. The only respite from which is absolute abstinence.


To help identify with this I found the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous', with particular reference to the chapter,'More About Alcoholism' and the Personal Stories told me all about me, as they have done on reading them for many others.

Perhaps this may help you and go some way to answering your query...

Garen

I have done everything I can to improve my life and I am still a stupid drunk. I did it all over the last years. And I succeeded. But I'm still drunk.

Garen

Im ******* sick of this ****

wiscsober

you will get the support you need when you stop ... right now it's the best I can share ... there are great fellowships that can help ... I had been extremely tough on myself too

aasharon90

Everyone of us who are living a sober and clean life reached
a point in our lives, whether sooner or later, younger or older,
realized that alcohol caused more harm to us than good.

We all reached a point where enough was enough. We became
sick and tired of being sick and tired of how we were feeling, tired
of trying to stop and start, vowing to never pick up or buy
alcohol or drugs again to only fail one more time.

We get angry, frustrated, pizzed off, resentful. We cuss, we hit
things, harm ourselves, harm others all because we dont know
what to do. How to stop the insanity of this addiction.

All we want is off that crazy Ozzy O. train. so to speak.

There have been many here in SR who are suiting up
and showing up here, posting and taking charge of their
addiction recovery everyday. They begin with one single
day at a time, coming here to learn how to remain sober.

Learning how ask for help, suggestions on what to do in
any and all situations in life. Helpful, healthy solutions instead
of driving to the store for poison, alcohol or grabbing a drug,
a controlling toxic substance that would only set them back
where they once were.

We all can get mad and pizzed off all we want and it wont
keep us sober unless, you accept that addiction is a problem,
our own problem and that we, you, me, us, need help.

Asking for help doesn't make us weak. Make us less of
a person. Asking for help to keep us alive takes courage.

And that is what I got from your original post. You had the
courage to find SR and courage to post that you need help.

SR is just one of many helpful tools to use in helping you
or us achieve sobriety a day at a time. If you need more
help, there are other avenues to seek and take.

Ask us where to look. Were to find them. Who to look for
and ask for. Whether it be recovery meetings like many
of us use daily, coming here to SR, your physicians, being
extremely honest with them letting them know about your
addiction and recovery.

Addiction is a sickness and yes it is treatable. Even without
meds, like myself and others. And yes many of are successful
in our recovery lives because be take care of it, protect it, care
for it.

Throw away the poison and pick up a recovery program
as a guideline to live by for the rest of your life.

Once you get some sober time behind you will understand
more clearly where many of us are coming from. But you have
to get the poison out of you system and out of your life to see
the beauty of what is around you.

biminiblue

And THAT is where you start.

You don't have to continue down this path until you lose everything. It will happen. You're not there - yet, but give it time and you'll end up like a lot of us did, unemployed, almost homeless, drinking all day.

It's an addiction. There is a way out.

Have you considered dropping in to an AA meeting? You'll find a lot of people with iPhones, fancy cars and nice clothes and a drinking problem. They have a solution.

Redmayne

Trust me,like many before you including myself, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and hit your rock bottom, you'll get sober.

Then again you can take the alternative route and regard your drinking as like being in an elevator at the top floor of a tall building so that when you press the descent button you can choose which floor you alight at without having to go through the pain and misery of hitting your rock bottom. The choice is yours along with the decision to stop wallowing in self pity.

Garen

Thanks for the replies from everyone.

I didn't say all of that to sound like I am bragging. In hindsight reading back now it sounds that way. I guess I have been dancing around the problem. Fixing everything else so that I can continue to drink.

I left the drugs and busy city life behind, traded police sirens for mooing cows. There's a lot of good, hardworking folks here. Some of them drink, but not the way that I do.

Been trying to find something to do, something to keep me distracted, some kind of change, but I can't find anything. Every day I don't have to work ends up being like every single other day.

I used to be an everyday drinker for a lot of years. Fortunately I have at least that much success. It's not an everyday thing anymore. It's binging when I don't have to work. So what happened was my addiction just evolved with my change in lifestyle. It's flexible that way.

biminiblue

Binge drinking is every bit as dangerous as daily drinking due to Kindling. Maybe more so :

https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicati...22-1/25-34.pdf

Obladi

I've gone through all the phases or stages. Drinking only socially, eventually allowing myself to drink at home (single mom), back to very limited social drinking, increased drinking in my relationships, bingeing only on weekends, limiting my drinks to only 1/2 pint nightly which increased to only a pint nightly which increased to close to a fifth nightly, more on the weekends, blah blah blah

I remember that feeling of frustration, that this was just a stupid habit I had to break. It is ridiculous, right? Nope. It's addiction. You can bet your bottom dollar it gets worse. Worse than you can even imagine.

Having a job, a family I loved, a home, a nice car, good looks and health made no difference. I was miserable 100% of the time I wasn't drinking because I was wrestling with wanting to/not wanting to. Drinking broke that tension. Until it didn't. It came to a place with me that I literally could Not not drink. Drinking was never enjoyable anymore - it was a second job that was kicking my azz.

Still more bottoms appeared and continued to loom in my future.

I had to get sober to understand that I had abandoned my self, that something essential was missing and would stay gone if I continued to drink in any quantity for any duration. Getting sober is easy - staying sober is what I needed to learn, am still learning. It's not easy, but I believe those people who've gone before me when they say that it's worth it. Today, I live in a sober home and the only reason I'm still here is because I've made the choice to not drink. I've made the choice to sit in my discomfort and work through it. I was not capable of doing this on my own. Which is ironic because I've done everything else on my own. And I don't tend to be social, at all.

I don't know the answer for you, but I'd highly encourage you to commit to hanging with people who "get it." And STAY, particularly when you absolutely want to run.

That 247 site is ok in a pinch, but I suggest looking up your local AA and finding online meetings in your area. They are more personal, will welcome you with open arms, and they'll be close by when the world opens up again.

O

Garen

Oh I understand my situation, my friend. I am not suggesting my health is going to be better. But what I was saying was that I am at least no enjoying more sober days. And my sober days are the best days.

Garen

Thank you for sharing that with me. You are 100% correct, getting sober is so easy. But staying sober is HARD. I get sober like at least 12 times a year. But once I start feeling better, even though I know better, it happens again. Every. Single. Time. It's insanity, I see it all clear as day, and I cannot stop it.

I had a conversation just today with a friend who I have been fortunate to have despite my neglect in nurturing my relationships. In thinking back to the original reason I started drinking should have the answer, she suggested. She is not an alcoholic, but she means well.

When I think back to my first drink all I remember is that it felt like heaven.

I don't know. I don't want to just keep drinking until my health fails me. I don't want to die. There is no reason to because I understand right now I have a serious problem. And I'm a smart guy, generally good looking, well meaning, decent morals. This doesn't need to happen. It's so frustrating because I understand all of this and I can't stop!!

biminiblue

Yes, you can.

You just haven't made the decision to do whatever it takes. Hope you do.

And - it IS worth it.

nez

I said that at one time. What would have been more accurate for me to say would have been "I have done everything I know to improve my life and I am still a stupid drunk."

Yes, I had done everything I knew; but like everyone else on the planet, I didn't know everything.

I learned what I didn't know by listening to other people. People who had done things that I hadn't yet done because I didn't know those things to do. Some of those new found things that I previously didn't know, actually turned out to work.

I now have 17 years without drinking. I don't say this to pat myself on the back, but to acknowledge the fact that is indeed possible, even for a formerly hopeless drunk such as myself. Along the way I have learned that for me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not drinking. Quite the opposite is actually true for me, there is absolutely everything right with not drinking!

Garen

There is absolutely everything right with not drinking. I agree. And it makes perfect sense when I sober up. Then a few weeks later, I still understand it, but something happens.

You and poster above who told me I can do it, 100%. Ya'll are right. I am grateful to read your words. I just don't understand the answer for me.

In your experience of getting sober, and staying sober, was the answer to find some deep-rooted issue, or did you just quit one day after finally having a enough and then after that you began to fix other things?

Because for me, I managed to fix things while still keeping my drinking habit, even though my drinking created a lot of problems to begin with. Like I said earlier, I have NOTHING to gripe about. I am so blessed I have such a good life. I feel so stupid I am still drinking.