Mamatembo

No one knows about my drinking or even about my quitting. Not my husband, not my kids, not my friends.

I'm five weeks sober and actually lying about drinking. Oh the irony. Covid actually made it easier to quit for me. No events. No dinners and wine with friends. The few times my husband wants to have a drink with me, he barely drinks, I dump out my drinks when no one is looking. I used to wait till he and the kids were in bed to drink.

I'm scared to admit that I have a problem. I'm scared that I've given myself liver failure and of everyone knowing it was my fault.

I want someone to talk to but I also don't want anyone to know.

Mamatembo

In reference to the liver comment. I've felt sick since stopping drinking and Dr Google tells me it's liver failure.

I know I shouldn't Google. My anxiety has a deep hold right now.

BullDog777

Stay away from Google. An don't arm chair quarterback being a doctor either. That leads to all sorts of trouble when you have no clue what you're talking about. Doctors have 12 years of school. You have none. Leave it to them.
Liver failure. I'd bet my home you don't have it. Real liver issues are so severe that when you start to have liver failure, 23 other things are failing at the same time as a result.
Even fatty liver can cause HUGE alarming issues. Until you have late stage cirrhosis, most fatty livers can be fixed. My enzymes were off the carts when I was in ICU and after 18 months of sobriety they finally went back to normal and after 4 years of sobriety, all my tests were great.
The liver is an incredibly strong organ.
If you're so inclined, go get a blood test to make sure. Just be prepared for the worst being that you got good results and now you're fighting with yourself thinking "Well, my liver is fine...am I REALLY an alcoholic?"
I'll save you the mind ****.
YES, you are.

Good luck to you, I wish you nothing but success.

TiredCarpenter

Good ol Dr google......according to the good doc I had dengue fever the one time

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Glad you are here Mamatembo. You will find plenty of caring support and the wisdom of experience here.



The liver can recover quite well, apparently, if we remain sober.



Wishing you the best. Welcome to the SR community.

TiredCarpenter

Also, when the world lets us have events again you can protect yourself by showing up early and requesting that the servers give you a fruit drink substitute rather than wine. No one needs to know. More comfortable than 100 questions.


I have heard of many people doing this in early recovery.

doggonecarl

Treacherous ground. If no one knows you quit, you could resume quitting without anyone knowing. Not that you are going to, but addiction thrives in secrecy. The secrecy of drinking and the secrecy of your recovery.


You don't have to tell anyone you are quitting because you "...have a problem," as you put it. People don't drink for all kinds of reasons, and quitting for your health is legit.

biminiblue

Yeah, I agree with BullDog and doggonecarl.. Those dog-guys know what they're talking about.

I am a woman and I kind of understand you not wanting to admit you have a problem, but maybe someday you'll feel a lot differently about this whole thing with a little hindsight.


For now all you have to say is, "I'm taking some time off from drinking, I feel so much better in the morning when I haven't had any!" Everyone will understand that and if they don't just change the subject. No one really cares, honestly. They may make some comments, but that doesn't mean you have to tell your whole story. You can continue to "take time off" for the next 40 years. After the second time you say it, no one will bat an eye.


I told/tell people who are close to me that, "I already drank my fair share." True enough. I don't go into the whole alcoholic/alcoholism thing with anyone who isn't an alcoholic or addict themselves. Even then, I'm pretty careful what I say and to whom.


I don't believe you have to tell all to anyone other than a therapist or priest. Maybe find one of those if you're feeling a need to let it all out sometime down the road.


Right now, congrats. You've just saved your own life. Keep doing that! The health anxiety will let up in time. The general anxiety that happens in early sobriety will let up. Keep going.

Mamatembo

Thanks for all the replies. They are so helpful.

I am going to stay away from Google. I looked again today and my symptoms mostly match vitamin b deficiency too. Lol. I need to step back.

I do have an appointment today for blood work.

I agree that resuming normal life is a big and inevitable risk to my sobriety. All the times I wanted to quit before, I'd use an upcoming event that I would be drinking at as an excuse to "delay" quitting. I need some coping mechanisms for those situations.

I'm sure I have to tell my husband soon. I can't keeping dumping drinks when he isn't looking. That's not a viable forever plan.

​​​​​​My goal is to stay sober forever.

sugarbear1

Ask them to check your liver levels

biminiblue

Vitamin B deficiency is pretty common with alcoholism.
And yeah, no reason to keep dumping drinks. Just tell him you're trying to work on getting healthier and alcohol was doing you no favors.

I still say that you don't have to spill your guts right now when you're feeling vulnerable and fragile in early sobriety.


The nerves do settle down, and the intense over-reacting also settles down. You can tell him you think you were drinking a bit too much and leave it at that. "Too much" is a purely subjective thing, and you have every right to abstain. Most of the world does, actually. I think if your social life revolves around alcohol it's easy to think drinking is a necessity.

It's not.

sugarbear1

I'd be honest. Sobriety without honesty doesn't always pan out well.
You could start with the "I'm not drinking because I want to be healthier" reason, and in time, let them know you thought you may have had a problem.
Here's a secret, alcoholism isn't about alcohol. It's about our brains and thoughts. Alcohol was my solution and now, without it, I need a new solution!
I wish you well on your sober journey!

Fusion

Hi SB, can you elaborate upon this please?

fini

Mamatembo, i was a secret drinker also for the majority of my drinking. so when i quit, eventually i had to tell my grown-up kids that i was an alcoholic and had quit. the telling came up because it was nearing my oldest daughter's 30th birthday, and she was having a big party.
knowing this was not a safe event for me in new sobriety, i needed to tell her and her sister why i would not be there. yep, it was hard. very hard.
but i felt it necessary to be honest, and the nature of the event helped with that, as no other reason other than something crucial would really be "good enough" to miss my kid's special b-day.
i don't remember what excuse i made up for the rest of the family, but i didn't tell them the truth at that time. that came later, individually, depending on closeness or "need-to-know".
but yeah, i know about secrecy, shame, fear, feeling wrong....and how it is possible to change.
way to go on your sober days!
wanting someone to talk with and at the same time wanting nobody to know....sounds like a great reason to check out online meetings. AA has them, SMART has them, Lifering Secular Recovery has them...check them out.

Hevyn

I'm so glad you're posting, Mamatembo. When I first came here & opened up about what was going on I felt instant relief. Everyone understood and didn't judge. I had no one in my family - or among my friends - to really confide in. No one understood why I couldn't just have 'one or two' now and then. I didn't know how to explain it to them. Participating here at SR has helped me find the courage to get sober (12 yrs. ago) and stay free of alcohol. You can do it! We're glad you are here.

Mamatembo

Just got blood work, including lft. I'll have results next week. Waiting is going to be hard.

I'm feeling sick today. Dizzy and nauseated. Could be something. Could be anxiety.

Ugh.

Thanks for all the replies.

BullDog777

Most of my first year, I had that. The nausea was so bad, i couldn't eat in the mornings. It went away. The doctor never found a cause but said it could be anxiety and or blood sugar related. Most of us are borderline one way or the other towards hypoglycemia or type 2.

Gottalife

I'll have a go Tatsy. I thought SB made a very important point that seemed to be missing in the other posts. Alcoholism, the illness, is not treated by just not drinking. In fact not drinking tends to bring it out, so really alcohol is one solution to alcoholism until it stops working. Then some kind of change of personality or reaction to life is required for the sufferer to stop returning to the old solution whenever life throws up a curve ball..
Another way to look at it is the person for whom alcohol is the problem will get better simply by stopping drinking, whereas the person suffering from alcoholism will get worse.
The AA book Drs Opinion says the only "relief" we can suggest is total abstinence, which refers to the deteriorating health and mental condition of the sufferer, but then goes on to say that it has proved incredibly difficult to stay abstinent without a major psychic change, such a change giving the sufferer a new outlook on life and making sobriety a worthwhile even rewarding experience.

JK130

From another point of view... I am now 5 years sober, and I told no one. It's worked out ok for me. Early on, if I was offered a drink, I simply said "No thanks. I don't drink, or I don't drink any more." No one cared. What was a struggle for me was not a big deal for others. Good luck on your tests, Dr Google is sometimes too dramatic, don't you think? But whatever happens, you'll deal with it, and we'll help :-)

zjw

kudos for not drinking no matter how you gotta go about quiting its always good you can workt he kinks out as you move forward.
I know for me i kept my drinking problem a secret from many partly embaressment and also accountablity. I didnt want people looking at me funny if i where to pickup again. I wanted to have one foot in the door still in case i wanted to go back. I'm not sure if it was the right approach i'm not one to be ok with some person not close to me suddenly holding me accountable in some way. I feel i gotta be accountable to myself i dont need someone else over me in that regard. I'm not a child I dont need that. That being said acting how i was was very childlike and all. But i stuck to my guns.
now fast forward now i'll tell people. and I dont really care if they wanna try to hold me accountable or not. I'm not drinking. and if I where to drink again well screw them I do what i want its an easy thing to say because I dont intend to drink again anyhow so its a moot point.

Fusion

Thanks Mike, I believe perhaps we come at this problem from slightly different angles, but I absolutely agree with your statement that 'some change of personality or reaction to life is required for the sufferer to stop returning to the old solution when life throws a curveball'. I believe that's a very important truth, and that people can strive towards it in various ways.