Colette122

Action

This would be a great share in the Meeting, have you gotten your white chip yet?

Colette122

August252015

At the end of meetings, there is a point where chips are given. A white one is for 24 hours sober, or wanting to go 24 hours (as in, from that point til the next day). Subsequent chips are diff colors and given out (typically) at 30 days, 90 days, 6 mo, 9 mo, a year and anniversaries. Those markers are important ones in terms of getting strength in sobriety and continuing to improve your chances of staying sober, as two examples.

There are a whole lot of meetings and "feels" to them. And I didn't share for quite awhile (maybe 2 mo?) and I am quite a talkative person. It's fine not to speak, til you want to, which most people will at some point.

I'd encourage you to go back, and maybe find a smaller meeting. If you go to the main AA site for your city/state/area then you should be able to find a list of all meetings- they are coded by "type" so a womens mtg for example might be smaller.

There's also info you can get on how AA works, pamphlets and I'd search the info here and online.

Glad you are here.

biminiblue

Have you tried different meetings? Some are more cliquey than others. Maybe find a study meeting, they're usually called Big Book meetings or 12 Step study meetings or something like that.

If you are looking to make connections with others, maybe show up a little early or hang around after the meeting and talk to people. I got phone numbers, but I also talked to people. Take a service position of setting up chairs or making coffee or cleaning up after.

I didn't like to "share" in meetings either, it appalled me! But I also felt like it was kinda wimpy to be that afraid so I would just say something really short about how I felt that day. I was not EVER going to share my personal secrets and story. Nope. You can also just "pass."

Action

Take your phone and read what you first posted at the meeting if you need help getting started. I'm sorry a white chip is a 24 hour chip, is probably silver. At the beginning of the meeting the person in charge of the meeting will ask if there are people new to AA or are coming back to AA. That's when you put your hand up and you will get a chip and applause and words of encouragement.
That's how people start participating in AA.
Action

Coldfusion

Hi Colette!

I am sorry you do not feel welcomed at meetings. Others have made some suggestions of how to act as a newcomer, but there is only so much you can do--those at the meeting should take responsibility for welcoming a newcomer. All I can say is to try different meetings, maybe in another town.

ScottFromWI

I'd suggest perhaps a womens meeting or call ahead and share your concerns with someone that might be able to go to the meeting with you.

Being shy is nothing to be ashamed of and it's perfectly normal to feel that way in front of a new group of people, no matter if it's an AA meeting or a softball team. I deal with anxiety myself and have for years, and even though I have gotten a lot better i still have anxious moments in front of people or meeting new people. Have you ever considered sharing some of your issues with a counselor or therapist?

tomsteve

staying in your comfort zone has kept ya drinking. if you want to stay sober youre going to have to step out of that comfort zone. lasting sobriety isnt an easy,magical,mystical event that occurs without discomfort.
none of us who wanted to stay sober were comfortable sharing early on. no one could help if we didnt reach out. we had to step out of that comfort zone which really wasnt comfortable anyways.

courage is an amazing thing.

my nickname in highschool was shy boy. through the program i learned i wasnt shy. i was insecure,had a low self esteem, and was afraid of what others thought of me. funny how my thoughts on that were always negative opinions.

nez

They do.

I can still remember my early experiences with AA meetings many years ago. My demeanor/body language sent mixed messages to other people back then. It screamed "help" and "stay" away at the same time.

In hindsight , it is not surprising that people gave me a bit of space.

I have been sober for 15 years and I still get uncomfortable approaching newcomers after meetings. I don't like that about myself and it makes me feel shame. I am addressing that issue because I need to give back. AA saved my life and I need to pay it forward.

This share/thread on your experience with AA thus far will be good fuel for me in my efforts to work on my issue and discomfort with approaching newcomers at meetings. Thank you!

If I could use a time machine to go back to that day when I first walked into a meeting AA, what advice would I give to Nez?... I would tell Nez to walk up to someone after the meeting, put his hand out and say "I need help".

Colette122

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you will keep trying Colette, that's the important thing whether AA ends up being your path or if you find another.

Regarding your second thought - there are countless instances where a book says something and the reality isn't always the same - and that would apply to any book ;-) The reason? Because people are involved - and we don't always react the way a book or a law or a rule says that we should. I do hope that you find a meeting and group of poeple that you can feel comfortable with.

August252015

It is indeed the point Colette - once we work the steps, "living in step 12" means that service to others is our focus and one way is supporting other members, sponsoring and more.

BUT - one thing to always keep in mind is that there are people in that room at ALL different points in their recovery. Some people are as new as you, some have years, and everything in between. Plenty may have just come in for a short time and be shy and not want to speak. And, I mean this kindly, it's not about you specifically. And the different kinds of meeting thing is really true- I don't think I ever had that swarm of folks welcoming thing - but then again I never raised my hand when asked if it was my first meeting or time at that meeting.

And some of us get to know each other really well, and find that outside of meetings the folks in them become some of our closest friends. So the catching up and talking to friends thing happens. I was a little intimidated by it at first, but found a smaller meeting where I gradually got to know everyone and realized just why they were all friends! It took me time.

I kept to myself a LOT at the beginning because I didn't WANT people to approach me!

AA can be overwhelming at first, so just going is the thing, and maybe take a book and get there a little early, or just stall and get coffee- see if there's a lady or two that smile or say hi. Baby steps.

The most important part is you go - and you want to stop drinking. That's it - learning the rest and getting to know people can wait, even if it's a little off-putting.

Keep sharing here!

August252015

Ooh! Something I just thought of that I should have earlier!

There is probably a meeting and/or discussion leader running things. Around here, that's someone with some time in the program, probably friendly and maybe a great person just to go up and say hi, I'm new and not really sure how all this works. After the meeting, when folks disperse, that kind of thing. I'd be really surprised if they weren't helpful, and if there wasn't even another person they could call over to chat for a minute.

tomsteve

helping the next sick and suffering alcoholic is a part of AA.
HOWEVER, we arent mind readers. cant help those that want help when they dont open up and reach out for help.

Colette122

tomsteve

im an introvert,too, Colette. it took me time to get used to everyone at the meetings i attended. eventually i was showing up early and helped set up the meetings. stayed after and helped clean up,too. that took a while to happen.
the connections took time,too. not sure what ya mean by "deeper" connections- can ya explain?

Action

This is nice to read because I'm going to make the extra effort to welcome the new people to AA, I will think of your thread when doing so.
Action

August252015

I'm a little confused, Colette, bc you said you have gotten chips and raised your hand, and you have talked to a few people... so what about getting a sponsor (here we do temporary ones too)? In most meetings here, it's asked at the end if anyone with a yr or more sobriety is willing to be a sponsor, or to inquire after the meeting.

Getting a deeper connection with other people is not as important as with the program itself, which is what we have to start learning. A sponsor is a really important way to start that out. Both the program and the relationship building can develop together- but you are there first and foremost to stop drinking (have you already?).

Glad you are sharing more bc we are getting bits and pieces more as you do!

Bobbieka

My first couple of months I seriously just bolted out of the meetings. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Then, one day, I said, my name is bobbie and I'm an alcoholic. That was hard to say but was a game changer for me. Then I got a sponsor, then I started showing up and making the coffee. Then people started talking to me. I think people just took their cue from me.

I'm glad you're here.