Arthox

I know I should go on a brisk morning walk along the lake and listen to music. Maybe have a joint, but that feeling is so dwarfed by alcoholism. The f$&#ing never-ending tick tick tick tick craving.

I'm in so deep over my head. I keep going to groups and AA/NA meetings, but I end up just having sex and meeting new people to get drunk with. I don't know what happens to my body if I just stop.

Why can't I just be religious or understand what the f#&@ a higher power is so I can stop being such a reckless a**hole and so harmful to myself and the ones I love?

Helianthus

Welcome to SR

I am not religious and do not believe in the traditional notion of a higher power. I make myself sober, I work on my problems, nothing else does it for me.

You choose what you do with your body and mind, you just need to choose to be sober.

Good luck.

Arthox

Thank you, I've been here for years, though. I wish your Oscar Wilde quote felt attainable. I feel like I need to be put in jail for a month for no reason. Just so I can feel that way, maybe.

How do you make yourself sober?

You don't have like, demons screaming in your ears at all times?

steve-in-kville

You have to want it. And want to change everything. Until you do, the vicious cycle will not stop.

ardy

hey man don't worry just have another joint and relax you worry to much...

ok lean down this way.. the Mom in me needs to whisper something to you... a little closer.. hand upside your head.. really you are complaining about drinking and being drunk and you are still smoking that.. bam.. once again..
not sorry here kiddo sit in this chair and let me tell you something.. no this time a cookie and tea.. you have a problem and until you realize that both are not good for you for your mind heart body and life . nothing is going to change..

what do you really want a life or a reason to just forget why you need to be a human and possibly a better human.... as a Mom and a wife.. I have seen the worst of life.. in Child Protection for children of smokers and drinkers and people that just don't care... do you care .... stop now .. this is all about you and into the years to come.... you need to care about you and how you want to live a life that will be something you can look back on and smile maybe laugh.. but they both have to go.. for one will pull you back to the other and the path will get dark and the horrors that you are trying to leave behind will jump on your back and there you are......

ok kiddo its in your court what do you really want........ just a lady clown..

Helianthus

I am 8 months sober and it was/is a lot of work, I went through the cravings, all the bargaining etc "I could just have one no-one would know" but I would know. The only person I am accountable to is me and I want to be a better person more than I want to drink. It's more important to me to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel shame than it is to drink.

I made myself sober because I wanted it more than anything else.

The cravings stop eventually, use the tools provided here and don't think you know better, I made that mistake for a long time. Just try it, come here a lot, use the tools all day everyday, see what happens.

Just try it...

Arthox

Ha. Thanks, that made me smile. I wish I had someone in my life to actually smack me like that.

I don't understand how I can go such long periods of time and do so good, and then it's always back into the abyss and writing strange tales I don't remember writing. I like that. I guess I have to quit romanticizing alcohol with writing. And talking.

The longest stint I've randomly gone is 3 months and it was terrible. Nothing got better. I wish I was lying to myself but it was pure nothing happening at all in my head, or at least it felt that way to me, and to feel that way....what's the point to exist? I guess I was raised to constantly work to the point of exhaustion. I do it in all my endeavors. I can't find my balance. I'm terribly anxious. I know I'm tipping the scale in the wrong direction like a cat knows when it knocks something off a shelf in front of it's owner. I am a 6 year old dog that was abused and can't trust a new owner even though that's all it wants and needs in this world.

Arthox

What makes you want it?
I need a reason.

Helianthus

You have to figure that out for yourself I'm afraid

Atlast9999

ardy

know what maybe you hit on an answer. and need to work with some dogs that have had problems.. have them learn to trust you and be your pal and you will find that those pack animals are your answer that you need.. maybe just maybe..

Arthox

I was there for a while. I got so sick and almost died, that I couldn't drink for barely existing on water alone. I felt reborn. Like a monk. I embraced it and my outlook completely changed. For like a month.

Then I felt the devils creep up my spine and I caught a shadowy glint out of the corner of my eye and heard the whispers of nothing speaking quietly in my ear.

I still remember that monk state of being, but it feels like my soul is attacking itself. It's very strange. I feel like I'm perpetually coming down off LSD. I'm so hard on myself; I can't even imagine that anyone would care to read this.

ScottFromWI

That's where I got hung up about it - trying to "understand" my addiction. Or to figure out "why". And for me at least, I did need to quit talking and start acting. I had to simply accept that something about me is different as it relates to consumption of alcohol - I can't drink it without bad consequences. Doesn't matter how many times I quit and try to "moderate" - every time I drink bad things will happen. And most importantly - whatever it is about me that is different can never be changed - ever.

Once I got there, i was able to start addressing all the other baggage and issues that I had been putting off forever ( AKA running away from by getting drunk ). Make no mistake - sobriety does not equal happiness or feeling good all the time. However, getting sober does give you a far better chance to address life and make improvements. Continuing to drink I had zero chance - so I decided to quit. Long term it was a good decision for me - albeit not an easy thing to do. Some of the issues I faced I'm still dealing with, but at least I'm able to do so.

WaterOx

Well the good news is you're at a sobriety site where many people do in fact care to read this.

The bad news is that's all we can do. Listen, read, maybe offer a few "hang in there" pieces of advice. The bad news is you have to do it for yourself. No one else can.

Being here is definitely a great start, don't you think? For all my screw ups, this place has been instrumental in all the immense progress I have made.

fini

"I keep going to groups and AA/NA meetings, but I end up just having sex and meeting new people to get drunk with."

Arthox, going to meetings and groups is not the suggested solution that AA and NA offer.
that would be doing the step stuff , thoroughly and honestly, and getting a guide through that is recommended.

NYCDoglvr

Understanding my addiction is irrelevant. Do you go to meetings and get numbers of other (same sex) alcoholics, then call? How about 90 meetings in 90 days? We alcoholics think we're different/special and we're not. I learned I'm a garden variety drunk. What are you doing specifically?

GingerSnow

Ardy's first response to you made me laugh. She had me with that first line, I thought she was serious and I was like wth?! LOL.

The part that really comes through with her response and with the others that replied, is that you need to care about something. The physical cravings will pass, but it's the emotional holes we live with that I think can cause someone to easily relapse. For me, I used alcohol as a coping mechanism and that's not healthy. I also used it to celebrate, and just to be in my daily routine. But I really used it as an easy excuse if I had a stressful day or something got me down. Now I need to rely on other coping mechanisms when the time comes where I'm back in a low spot. So I think you need to find a solid coping mechenasim that is not drugs and alcohol. The people in the groups you're going to sound like they have other problems and I don't know if I should be telling you to reconsider going to these groups...but maybe a different group? Finding a way to cope is one thing to plan for. The other part would be finding something to really care about. Maybe a new hobby, or doing some volunteer work? I'm considering trying to find somewhere to volunteer my time at. Now that I won't be sitting in the evening drinking it will free up a couple more hours of my time. I really do think part of the answer is you need to care, that care to others might increase the care you have for yourself. It's important to care about yourself, but sometimes that hard. If you don't have the family or friends in the circle now, then going out to volunteer or finding something to really care about while helping others just might help you start to care and love yourself more too.

Wishing you all the best!

dafunbra

I do not understand my addiction to alcohol, and I really like to understand things. For me the changing point was I hated who I was and what the drink had made me become. I don't ever want to go back to that low point again. I have a lot of reminders every day of the pain I've inflicted on others and on myself. I worry that I've passed the genetics on to at least one of my children. She is drinking more heavily and more often than I ever did at that age. I want to be better for me, and to like the face that stares back at me in the mornings in the mirror. That keeps me going. I had to shift my attitude and views literally 180 degrees from where they were. I do very much believe in a higher power, and it helps me tremendously. But I have friends who do not that have a lot more sober time than I do. Whatever works for you, you're going to have to want sobriety and recovery more than you want the drink. I took me a long, long time to get to that point.

matrac

I stopped drinking because I was just so tired of feeling sick, tired of the grip that it had on me, and tired of worrying about my future if I continued to drink. I came to these forums, started to read, got motivated, and planned it out.

When you stop drinking, all of the things that you tried to escape from with alcohol will still be there. Why wouldn’t they be? It’s easier to face that fact and move forward anyway. Trying to figure out the why’s and therefore’s do nothing to help you stop drinking....you have to make that conscious choice all the time just as you did when you raised the glass.

I gues what it comes down to is that you have to decide if sobriety is what you want. If you want it, do whatever you have to do to get it. Personally I dont think smoking pot or substituting a sex addiction is going to help you. Have you thought about rehab?

Wishing you strength and resolve

Stayingsassy

Addiction is a weird, weird beast. It doesn’t compute that I can’t just have a couple, but time and time again, and again, and again, and again, and again....I can’t.

I guess I just believed that this time.