How Did I Get Here?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 11
How Did I Get Here?
How did I get here? What led me down this path to the point that I am at today? Who is to blame? What is to blame? Why am I completely powerless over the liquid in that now empty bottle? Why do fail over and over again only to restart with different attitudes towards not drinking? Why do I keep lying to myself and others? Why after months of not drinking did I talk myself into going back? Why over again? And again? Why did it take me so long to say the words “I am an alcoholic”?
Those are the questions that have rattled around in my head over the last few years. I wanted to put things into words for people to read, people that have similar “Interests” and can understand the angle that I am coming from. I sometimes don’t think the people closest to me understand, because they don’t. It’s not their fault. They are not the ones who can’t handle themselves in a responsible manor regarding booze. This is my story. This is my “thing”. Now What?
I used to think my story was unique. I thought my relationship with alcohol was different than those people I forced (at the unsaid request of my wife) myself to sit next to in a meeting tucked away in some lonely strip mall on Sunday mornings. I had never crashed a car, lost my job or been arrested due to my drinking. I had never found myself homeless or forced to move in with a buddy or my parents. I was different. I was not like them. I had a problem, but not like their problems. This was when I was the most scared about my addiction. This was the moments that frightened me most as they should have. I got scared and went back to the thing that made things better, or at this point used to.
Fast forward 6 months and I was drinking probably more than ever before. Sneaking it and hiding it from my wife and kids. If they never saw me drink, they won’t know. Still don’t have a problem cause I could go a few days here and there but when Friday hit (Or Thursday), the stop on the way home involved buying now Vodka. Large Amounts of Vodka, Handles. Hiding it in the garage, free pouring or taking long hits from the bottle each and every time I could. Repeat until it was gone. When it was gone, go get some more. Monday morning rolled around and I had slept so little and felt so ****** I was routinely worthless for the next few days at work. Thanksgiving was a mess, as was I. I could hear my wife crying in the shower before everyone showed up. What she actually said to me that day I don’t remember but the next few days were rough. Really rough. Horribly rough. Honestly, It was really like any other weekend or day off over the last year, but now each and every time it was worse.
This had been about 10 years in the making, slowly lumbering towards the edge. It was then I realized that I was not unique. I was not any different from those people I had met in the meetings over a year ago. I was just like them and heading to join their stories of divorce, jail, or worse. I was and am on my way to certain despair and being completely broken.
Hopefully I start therapy next week. I probably should be going to meetings again and probably will soon. I broke down this weekend with my wife, letting her know that I have not been well these last few years, emotionally, mentally and physically. Drinking was the solution early on to mask the anxiety and panic but now has overtaken the benefits. She knew all of this of course.
I own this. This is My “Thing”
I am an Alcoholic.
BTW, This helps a lot to just put into words. I will add more as things progress. Thanks to all who read it.
Those are the questions that have rattled around in my head over the last few years. I wanted to put things into words for people to read, people that have similar “Interests” and can understand the angle that I am coming from. I sometimes don’t think the people closest to me understand, because they don’t. It’s not their fault. They are not the ones who can’t handle themselves in a responsible manor regarding booze. This is my story. This is my “thing”. Now What?
I used to think my story was unique. I thought my relationship with alcohol was different than those people I forced (at the unsaid request of my wife) myself to sit next to in a meeting tucked away in some lonely strip mall on Sunday mornings. I had never crashed a car, lost my job or been arrested due to my drinking. I had never found myself homeless or forced to move in with a buddy or my parents. I was different. I was not like them. I had a problem, but not like their problems. This was when I was the most scared about my addiction. This was the moments that frightened me most as they should have. I got scared and went back to the thing that made things better, or at this point used to.
Fast forward 6 months and I was drinking probably more than ever before. Sneaking it and hiding it from my wife and kids. If they never saw me drink, they won’t know. Still don’t have a problem cause I could go a few days here and there but when Friday hit (Or Thursday), the stop on the way home involved buying now Vodka. Large Amounts of Vodka, Handles. Hiding it in the garage, free pouring or taking long hits from the bottle each and every time I could. Repeat until it was gone. When it was gone, go get some more. Monday morning rolled around and I had slept so little and felt so ****** I was routinely worthless for the next few days at work. Thanksgiving was a mess, as was I. I could hear my wife crying in the shower before everyone showed up. What she actually said to me that day I don’t remember but the next few days were rough. Really rough. Horribly rough. Honestly, It was really like any other weekend or day off over the last year, but now each and every time it was worse.
This had been about 10 years in the making, slowly lumbering towards the edge. It was then I realized that I was not unique. I was not any different from those people I had met in the meetings over a year ago. I was just like them and heading to join their stories of divorce, jail, or worse. I was and am on my way to certain despair and being completely broken.
Hopefully I start therapy next week. I probably should be going to meetings again and probably will soon. I broke down this weekend with my wife, letting her know that I have not been well these last few years, emotionally, mentally and physically. Drinking was the solution early on to mask the anxiety and panic but now has overtaken the benefits. She knew all of this of course.
I own this. This is My “Thing”
I am an Alcoholic.
BTW, This helps a lot to just put into words. I will add more as things progress. Thanks to all who read it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Ryabd - You are on your way to getting free & reclaiming your precious life.
I drank 30 yrs. & wish with all my heart I'd been honest with myself before everything went off the rails. You are very self aware & that will serve you well. As for why we became dependent on it - I still struggle with that (though maybe it's irrelevant). It's a terrible trap - I was drinking 'round the clock in the end. Coming to SR helped me find the courage to change my life. Our friends here truly understand, like the normal drinkers in our life never can. You're never alone.
I drank 30 yrs. & wish with all my heart I'd been honest with myself before everything went off the rails. You are very self aware & that will serve you well. As for why we became dependent on it - I still struggle with that (though maybe it's irrelevant). It's a terrible trap - I was drinking 'round the clock in the end. Coming to SR helped me find the courage to change my life. Our friends here truly understand, like the normal drinkers in our life never can. You're never alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Ryabd-
Thanks for sharing your story.
It serves to remind many of us on these forums about our experiences with alcoholism, particularly toward the end of our drinking careers.
I certainly had to endure years of pain, disappointment and despair before I finally surrendered (I was defeated) and sought help.
I went through 35 days of treatment and I have done what they told me to do ever since, not perfectly, but usually reasonably well.
And I haven't had a drink since that time.
I stay close to God and the AA program every day.
Congratulations on your courageous decision to seek help.
Please keep us posted along your journey to sobriety.
Thanks for sharing your story.
It serves to remind many of us on these forums about our experiences with alcoholism, particularly toward the end of our drinking careers.
I certainly had to endure years of pain, disappointment and despair before I finally surrendered (I was defeated) and sought help.
I went through 35 days of treatment and I have done what they told me to do ever since, not perfectly, but usually reasonably well.
And I haven't had a drink since that time.
I stay close to God and the AA program every day.
Congratulations on your courageous decision to seek help.
Please keep us posted along your journey to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
You are ready to seek better health and a better life for you and your family. Your wife sounds "done". And you do too. Now you need a solid plan to kick alcohol to the curb. A simple (not easy, but simple) start...are you drinking today? If yes, then stop. If no, keep on. Use every strength, strategy and support you have to build on the no drinking minutes, hours, days. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Love you so much could see her in the shower in tears leaning on the wall. and the kids being so silent in their rooms. and yet you have no clue as to what is going on. prayers love and Faith will follow all your days.. go kiddo go for you know why you have to do this . and have the means to do this too. a Mom.. a drunk and now a Sober Lady Clown..
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Hopefully your therapist has experience with addiction and recovery, as well as being well trained, empathetic, and a good fit for you. I have one who does all that, and he is a godsend, although therapy was the last part of my sober journey.
What worked for me was inpatient rehab, I needed to be sequestered away from alcohol and intensively working on myself and my sobriety. Also I hadn't really been around addicts before (I call everyone an addict, alcoholics are addicted to alcohol and possibly other sedatives). I needed that, and it was a great jump start to my sobriety. However it's not for everyone, and not everyone has the resources to do inpatient.
I examined and tried nearly every tool available to me in recovery. 12 Step. Cognitive group based outpatient. Psychiatry to deal with comorbid mental health issues. Rational Recovery. SMART recovery. AVRT. There's plenty of info on the site about all of these methods, when you're ready to make a plan. All of the above were useful to me at one time or another.
If I had to break it down to the two major influences that have kept me from drinking for almost two years:
1) AA Step 1. I am unable to control my drinking, and my life becomes unmanageable when I drink. Like yourself, I never became homeless, lost a job, went to jail, or got a DUI. I learned an important word in AA. Yet. Keep going and any number of those would be my fate.
2) Defining myself as a non-drinker. It's basically the principals of AVRT, but I did so before I became aware of AVRT and the big plan.
I am not totally powerless over alcohol and drugs, as I can choose to completely abstain. However, as soon as I cross a line and take a sip or a snort or a swallow, I cannot control substances. I cannot moderate. It may seem so for a time, but eventually I will end up back where I started, or more likely, worse. The only way I can be sure I won't end up back in rehab is to not drink or drug at all, and I made a vow to myself that I'd never step foot in inpatient rehab again. It was a fascinating experience and one I'm glad I had, but not one I care to repeat.
Remember the worst moments of your drinking only so you won't repeat them. Until there is a reliable means of time travel, you can't unmake your past mistakes. When you CAN do is take every step to be sure that they don't happen again.
Congratulations and welcome to the sober world. It's a far better place.
What worked for me was inpatient rehab, I needed to be sequestered away from alcohol and intensively working on myself and my sobriety. Also I hadn't really been around addicts before (I call everyone an addict, alcoholics are addicted to alcohol and possibly other sedatives). I needed that, and it was a great jump start to my sobriety. However it's not for everyone, and not everyone has the resources to do inpatient.
I examined and tried nearly every tool available to me in recovery. 12 Step. Cognitive group based outpatient. Psychiatry to deal with comorbid mental health issues. Rational Recovery. SMART recovery. AVRT. There's plenty of info on the site about all of these methods, when you're ready to make a plan. All of the above were useful to me at one time or another.
If I had to break it down to the two major influences that have kept me from drinking for almost two years:
1) AA Step 1. I am unable to control my drinking, and my life becomes unmanageable when I drink. Like yourself, I never became homeless, lost a job, went to jail, or got a DUI. I learned an important word in AA. Yet. Keep going and any number of those would be my fate.
2) Defining myself as a non-drinker. It's basically the principals of AVRT, but I did so before I became aware of AVRT and the big plan.
I am not totally powerless over alcohol and drugs, as I can choose to completely abstain. However, as soon as I cross a line and take a sip or a snort or a swallow, I cannot control substances. I cannot moderate. It may seem so for a time, but eventually I will end up back where I started, or more likely, worse. The only way I can be sure I won't end up back in rehab is to not drink or drug at all, and I made a vow to myself that I'd never step foot in inpatient rehab again. It was a fascinating experience and one I'm glad I had, but not one I care to repeat.
Remember the worst moments of your drinking only so you won't repeat them. Until there is a reliable means of time travel, you can't unmake your past mistakes. When you CAN do is take every step to be sure that they don't happen again.
Congratulations and welcome to the sober world. It's a far better place.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Ryabd,
good to see you here, and even better to read you now know you are an alcoholic.
knowing that gives you a good shot at figuring out what to do. i found it hard to swallow for a while that i was not different, but an ordinary alcoholic. i had all those “why” questions, too, and thought those alone were an indicator i was a bit different.
part of the journey for me.
okay, you’re here. don’t know what kind of meetings you are referring to attending, but if it is the 12-step kind, i’d suggest you consider doing the stepstuff.
in any case, there is no need to go on to “certain despair and being completely broken”. you can change direction, now.
good to see you here, and even better to read you now know you are an alcoholic.
knowing that gives you a good shot at figuring out what to do. i found it hard to swallow for a while that i was not different, but an ordinary alcoholic. i had all those “why” questions, too, and thought those alone were an indicator i was a bit different.
part of the journey for me.
okay, you’re here. don’t know what kind of meetings you are referring to attending, but if it is the 12-step kind, i’d suggest you consider doing the stepstuff.
in any case, there is no need to go on to “certain despair and being completely broken”. you can change direction, now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In early recovery I obsessed over "why" and in the end it didn't matter. I'm an alcoholic: if I pick up a drink I can't stop. The point is what am I going to do about it. Even with a few days of sobriety it becomes clear that I have a choice, I can drink or not drink. If I have a craving I can drink or I can reach out to another alcoholic for getting through today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 11
Today is Thursday. I have not had a drink since Sunday. Feeling good, withdrawals have been minor compared to prior times. Headache and general fatigue at this point. Slept like crap last night but that is to be expected. I don’t know why, but I don’t feel as anxious as the prior times I have attempted to quit and that is somewhat concerning to me. I really want this to work this time. I don’t know if it will, but for today I am confident I will not drink. That is the best I can do at this point. Going to try to get to a meeting before the end of the week and my wife has helped me line up a therapist who specializes in Sobriety among all the other things I need to talk with someone about. Today, then tomorrow.
This morning before work, I stopped at the local convenience store to get a pack of gum and coffee and stared at the booze behind the counter. I stared very hard. I had purchased many bottles at this very location, sometimes two trips in one day. I almost felt like I had to verbally tell the cashier “no vodka for me today” almost as if I needed to lay the ground rules for the upcoming weekend. Perhaps I need to start stopping somewhere else, but for now it was just a fleeting thought.
When I first attempted to stop one of the most surreal moments involved something similar, I had been sober for about 3 weeks and finally decided to stop in the local market to pick up some things for the house. My previous trips there always involved picking up a 5th or two of brown or clear liquid along with whatever we needed. There always is the same two or three folks that work the registers and they knew me well. That day, I went and got all my goodies and it happens that the liquor shelves are right next to the register; I stared hard at the bottles then too and honestly debated on just setting my basket down on the floor and walking out but didn’t. I Approached the register and just stood there unloading my things on the counter. I felt like everyone in the place was staring at me, it had been three weeks since I had last been there and because I didn’t purchase any alcohol they ALL knew. They knew I was a drunk trying to get his crap together. They knew I was on the mend but were challenging me to see if I could break. As if there was a group in the back all in a circle taking bets to see if I could make it out without falling to the temptation. These were actually the vivid thoughts running through my head at the time. Silly Right? Then surprisingly, nothing happened. No exchange of words. Just paid for my things and left without a bottle. This was the first time in what felt like years leaving opening the door to leave without booze. There were no fireworks or confetti falling out of the sky or a parade for me choosing not to take a drink.
As silly as it was, that was the moment that I realized that there is no one who should care more about my choice NOT to drink than ME. There is no reward or ticker tape parade for making the right choice. People could care less. It was 100% upon my shoulders to continue on one path or another.
Again as stated before, it helps just writing this. Thanks to those who are reading it. I will check back in this weekend.
This morning before work, I stopped at the local convenience store to get a pack of gum and coffee and stared at the booze behind the counter. I stared very hard. I had purchased many bottles at this very location, sometimes two trips in one day. I almost felt like I had to verbally tell the cashier “no vodka for me today” almost as if I needed to lay the ground rules for the upcoming weekend. Perhaps I need to start stopping somewhere else, but for now it was just a fleeting thought.
When I first attempted to stop one of the most surreal moments involved something similar, I had been sober for about 3 weeks and finally decided to stop in the local market to pick up some things for the house. My previous trips there always involved picking up a 5th or two of brown or clear liquid along with whatever we needed. There always is the same two or three folks that work the registers and they knew me well. That day, I went and got all my goodies and it happens that the liquor shelves are right next to the register; I stared hard at the bottles then too and honestly debated on just setting my basket down on the floor and walking out but didn’t. I Approached the register and just stood there unloading my things on the counter. I felt like everyone in the place was staring at me, it had been three weeks since I had last been there and because I didn’t purchase any alcohol they ALL knew. They knew I was a drunk trying to get his crap together. They knew I was on the mend but were challenging me to see if I could break. As if there was a group in the back all in a circle taking bets to see if I could make it out without falling to the temptation. These were actually the vivid thoughts running through my head at the time. Silly Right? Then surprisingly, nothing happened. No exchange of words. Just paid for my things and left without a bottle. This was the first time in what felt like years leaving opening the door to leave without booze. There were no fireworks or confetti falling out of the sky or a parade for me choosing not to take a drink.
As silly as it was, that was the moment that I realized that there is no one who should care more about my choice NOT to drink than ME. There is no reward or ticker tape parade for making the right choice. People could care less. It was 100% upon my shoulders to continue on one path or another.
Again as stated before, it helps just writing this. Thanks to those who are reading it. I will check back in this weekend.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
"There were no fireworks or confetti falling out of the sky or a parade for me choosing not to take a drink. "
Aint that the truth,lol, nor should there be. I haven't heard of anyone in my neighborhood getting a ribbon for not kicking puppies or even only ever using their own wallets.
As to the level of caring , your own caring is the motive force, the thing that counts, but others will and do care about you not drinking . And if only in direct portion to the amount of harm and grief You open them up to when you decide to indulge the desire for more booze.
Aint that the truth,lol, nor should there be. I haven't heard of anyone in my neighborhood getting a ribbon for not kicking puppies or even only ever using their own wallets.
As to the level of caring , your own caring is the motive force, the thing that counts, but others will and do care about you not drinking . And if only in direct portion to the amount of harm and grief You open them up to when you decide to indulge the desire for more booze.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 635
Thank you for sharing and welcome!
This touch me specially "I was just like them and heading to join their stories of divorce, jail, or worse. I was and am on my way to certain despair and being completely broken."
That above is so true i feel in a panic mode because I do know its just a matter of time if i don't stop for all these bottoms you hear about to happen to me.
hey i have my bottoms already too and pretty horrific as well but it just can get worst.
Thank you, i needed to read this today.
This touch me specially "I was just like them and heading to join their stories of divorce, jail, or worse. I was and am on my way to certain despair and being completely broken."
That above is so true i feel in a panic mode because I do know its just a matter of time if i don't stop for all these bottoms you hear about to happen to me.
hey i have my bottoms already too and pretty horrific as well but it just can get worst.
Thank you, i needed to read this today.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
seven days is fantastic!
this caught my attention, too: “Had every reason in the book to grab a bottle...”
hm.....what could those be? reasons?or rationalizations?
i had to admit that, other than being an alcoholic, there never was one reason, no, not one, to pick up a bottle.
there is no book full of reasons. just lousy attempts at justifications
7 days; yay!
keep going.
this caught my attention, too: “Had every reason in the book to grab a bottle...”
hm.....what could those be? reasons?or rationalizations?
i had to admit that, other than being an alcoholic, there never was one reason, no, not one, to pick up a bottle.
there is no book full of reasons. just lousy attempts at justifications
7 days; yay!
keep going.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Ryabd,
For me it was a combination of making the decision that I would never drink again and that I would never change my mind, combined with the total acceptance that one sip was it. Over and out. So I needed to do everything possible to support that decision. For me it was hip sobriety and this place, for others its AA, and lots of other choices. Does not matter a hoot, as long as it supports your decision.
And then I realized that its all better on the other side. So much.
We are here for you.
For me it was a combination of making the decision that I would never drink again and that I would never change my mind, combined with the total acceptance that one sip was it. Over and out. So I needed to do everything possible to support that decision. For me it was hip sobriety and this place, for others its AA, and lots of other choices. Does not matter a hoot, as long as it supports your decision.
And then I realized that its all better on the other side. So much.
We are here for you.
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