2 1/2 years and feel so close to relapsing... :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 193
2 1/2 years and feel so close to relapsing... :(
I've never felt so close to having a drink before. I mean since I quit. Like it's a real thing. Maybe I've been lucky before.... But anyway, my stress levels are getting higher and higher, I'm so neurotic and probably stressing out/annoying everyone else. One friendship is very strained and I'm terrified of losing this person because my moods and irritability are so bad. And I'm just thinking....seriously, if I just bought some alcohol and holed up in my room and just drank, aahhh sweet relief, and I would be out of everyone's hair and not bother them anymore! I just need to chill but all my coping methods are nothing compared to how 'chill' I could get if I could just drink, just escape all this **** for awhile...
Not drinking, the stress is just THERE and I'm this little ball of angst and fearing that I'm ruining friendships by being this way. Anyway I've been feeling more and more low these past couple days (where before I was quite on a high, happy, super pumped about everything) and today and yesterday it's just dropped.... I just...wish I had an easy way to detach. And I can't stop thinking about and romanticizing drinking.
Not drinking, the stress is just THERE and I'm this little ball of angst and fearing that I'm ruining friendships by being this way. Anyway I've been feeling more and more low these past couple days (where before I was quite on a high, happy, super pumped about everything) and today and yesterday it's just dropped.... I just...wish I had an easy way to detach. And I can't stop thinking about and romanticizing drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hey Layali,
for sure you are telling yourself stories.
i have yet to see a person come back after drinking again who talks about sweet relief and how wonderful it all was
what brought you to the decision to be sober?
took me a couple of sober years before i realized just how squirrely, restless, discontented, over-sensitive and ego- driven i was, and that if i didn't make some changes i might be in danger of drinking again eventually. which i have no illusions about: torture, misery, might not ever be able to get out of that pit again.
i had to "change the rest of it" to find peace and appreciation.
for sure you are telling yourself stories.
i have yet to see a person come back after drinking again who talks about sweet relief and how wonderful it all was
what brought you to the decision to be sober?
took me a couple of sober years before i realized just how squirrely, restless, discontented, over-sensitive and ego- driven i was, and that if i didn't make some changes i might be in danger of drinking again eventually. which i have no illusions about: torture, misery, might not ever be able to get out of that pit again.
i had to "change the rest of it" to find peace and appreciation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
I’m recovering from drug use and the other day things got very stressful and I got into an argument with someone. I wasn’t able to get my drugs of choice at the time but I could always go to the store and get alcohol as a substitute. I don’t drink because for me drugs and alcohol are two in the same, if you can’t have one you substitute with the other until you get the one you want.
Anyways, I was driving towards the store and then I detoured back home and decided not to drink. Why? As many problems as I may have to deal with right now, it isn’t worth it for me to add all the weight of now having to start over and get locked into active addiction again. I rather face what I have to deal with.
You have 2.5 years. I was once 2.5 years sober and all it took was a teeny tiny bit and I went right back into daily use. Do not fool yourself that you can control it.
Go to the gym, walk or run, read, do whatever to deal with stress but using is not worth it.
Anyways, I was driving towards the store and then I detoured back home and decided not to drink. Why? As many problems as I may have to deal with right now, it isn’t worth it for me to add all the weight of now having to start over and get locked into active addiction again. I rather face what I have to deal with.
You have 2.5 years. I was once 2.5 years sober and all it took was a teeny tiny bit and I went right back into daily use. Do not fool yourself that you can control it.
Go to the gym, walk or run, read, do whatever to deal with stress but using is not worth it.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
How have you been treating your alcoholism? Just not drinking does not do it.
Alcoholism is as much about what happens when you are sober as it is what happens when you drink. The short version of my experience is that I drank until I had to stop, and then stopped until I had to drink.
For alcoholics like me, just not drinking seems to bring the alcoholism out. Over any considerable period I become more and more uncomfortable internally, become restelss, irritable and discontent in exactly he way you describe, and the sense of ease and comfort that I think might come from a few drinks, starts to look attractive.
I never lasted 2.5 years on my own steam. 2.5 weeks was close to the mark, but the timing and the issues that have cropped up for you are very typical of AA members who try to stay sober on meetings alone, without any action on the program of recovery. I have seen it more times than I can count. I have had many people tell me of their experiences.
It goes like this - 2-3 years in AA, lottsa meetings, and nothing has changed. In fact they feel worse than when they started. Obviously AA doesn't work. the first bit was good, but now its all stale and irritating. That is because there is more to AA recovery than just not drinking and going to meetings. There is a whole plan of action. Maybe that is what would help you.
Alcoholism is as much about what happens when you are sober as it is what happens when you drink. The short version of my experience is that I drank until I had to stop, and then stopped until I had to drink.
For alcoholics like me, just not drinking seems to bring the alcoholism out. Over any considerable period I become more and more uncomfortable internally, become restelss, irritable and discontent in exactly he way you describe, and the sense of ease and comfort that I think might come from a few drinks, starts to look attractive.
I never lasted 2.5 years on my own steam. 2.5 weeks was close to the mark, but the timing and the issues that have cropped up for you are very typical of AA members who try to stay sober on meetings alone, without any action on the program of recovery. I have seen it more times than I can count. I have had many people tell me of their experiences.
It goes like this - 2-3 years in AA, lottsa meetings, and nothing has changed. In fact they feel worse than when they started. Obviously AA doesn't work. the first bit was good, but now its all stale and irritating. That is because there is more to AA recovery than just not drinking and going to meetings. There is a whole plan of action. Maybe that is what would help you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
We've got about the same amount of time. I understand how you feel. For me, it's not that I want to get drunk, it's just that I need a mental switch where i can turn everything off for awhile.
I kind of equate it to that noisy snow on old TV channels that gets really loud in my head. That's usually a result of stress or exhaustion or both.
This weekend, my family is up north for 4 days. My dog is really sick and i haven't slept at all. I'm stressed out and miss my family.
I actually started playing old tapes in my head today through the worst of it.
I was starting to think about booze again.
I play those tapes all the way through nowadays. When I didn't before-and I was stuck in the romance, it would be a tornado of self destruction coming,.
So the tape was really mind numbing until I got to the point where my family would come home and see me passed out with bottles everywhere, and I'm right back in complete alcohol withdrawal. An there's no end to that.
No end to that-
Until I die.
So....I went into auto pilot. I can't leave the house with my dog sick so i turned on the TV show, intervention or I would have gone to AA. I called my wife and told her how I felt. I called my brother and my parents and my best buddy too and told him...i put it on my social media page. Told everyone to keep checking on me.
An so they blew up my FB page and my phone was ringing non stop and I watched 10 episodes of intervention and I got through it.
And I came here to tell you all too.
Did it suck? yes...it did... Did I drink and ruin my life? no.
Because of that I get another tomorrow.
The worst thing in life for me is hopelessness.
I can take incredible amounts of pain...I have a hard time with hopeless.
So I "embrace the s#!t for a day or 2. It'll pass. I've had too many beautiful days in between.
Think through the relapse. Start to end. Think about what it will cost.
It could very well be your life if your anything like me.
Not worth it.
I hope you feel better.
I kind of equate it to that noisy snow on old TV channels that gets really loud in my head. That's usually a result of stress or exhaustion or both.
This weekend, my family is up north for 4 days. My dog is really sick and i haven't slept at all. I'm stressed out and miss my family.
I actually started playing old tapes in my head today through the worst of it.
I was starting to think about booze again.
I play those tapes all the way through nowadays. When I didn't before-and I was stuck in the romance, it would be a tornado of self destruction coming,.
So the tape was really mind numbing until I got to the point where my family would come home and see me passed out with bottles everywhere, and I'm right back in complete alcohol withdrawal. An there's no end to that.
No end to that-
Until I die.
So....I went into auto pilot. I can't leave the house with my dog sick so i turned on the TV show, intervention or I would have gone to AA. I called my wife and told her how I felt. I called my brother and my parents and my best buddy too and told him...i put it on my social media page. Told everyone to keep checking on me.
An so they blew up my FB page and my phone was ringing non stop and I watched 10 episodes of intervention and I got through it.
And I came here to tell you all too.
Did it suck? yes...it did... Did I drink and ruin my life? no.
Because of that I get another tomorrow.
The worst thing in life for me is hopelessness.
I can take incredible amounts of pain...I have a hard time with hopeless.
So I "embrace the s#!t for a day or 2. It'll pass. I've had too many beautiful days in between.
Think through the relapse. Start to end. Think about what it will cost.
It could very well be your life if your anything like me.
Not worth it.
I hope you feel better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
annnnd there it is..L, I made sure to read others remarks- thanks BD- 'play the tape' forward...in reflecting on the day/night after the sweet 5 minute relief of booze...the bottles, mess, hangovers, unwanted phone calls (me- not you), guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, isolation.....
I am 2.5y too- my experience is quite absolute- last time I was clinically dead 3 times...there will be no more reprieves....not for me.
Post here, go to a meeting- just to be with humans- drink the crap coffee and listen..talk- talk and talk some more to someone who is not personally involved in your stuff, walk, journal, shout at god- post here at SR- until your fingers bleed....and when you do not feel like posting- post more.
Addiction sucks.
My prayers an support to you.
I am 2.5y too- my experience is quite absolute- last time I was clinically dead 3 times...there will be no more reprieves....not for me.
Post here, go to a meeting- just to be with humans- drink the crap coffee and listen..talk- talk and talk some more to someone who is not personally involved in your stuff, walk, journal, shout at god- post here at SR- until your fingers bleed....and when you do not feel like posting- post more.
Addiction sucks.
My prayers an support to you.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,388
Hang in there, Layali! 2.5 years sober is a great achievement, keep at it. Romanticizing our drinking days is a tempting trap to fall into, don't fall for it. Remember the associated misery.
Meditation has helped me a lot in dealing with stress and anxiety, everyday aggravation stuff. Just sitting still and keeping attention on the breathing for a few minutes each day, it somehow resets our brains in a good way.
Meditation has helped me a lot in dealing with stress and anxiety, everyday aggravation stuff. Just sitting still and keeping attention on the breathing for a few minutes each day, it somehow resets our brains in a good way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
Bulldog told a wonderful story of friends and family support that helps. I'll share that you can do this alone as well. I am only me. No one to call or talk to. I "play it through"occasionally when the thought that alcohol will provide some relief strikes. I focus on health risks, and, for sure driving risks. Take care :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 193
Thank you so much everyone!!! I feel overwhelmed because I want to respond individually but right now.... I just want to say a big thanks. I didn't drink. Of course, it can be an every day or every minute thing, but for now, I am doing well enough... a bit cautious of recurring cravings, to be safe.
BullDog777 - that was such a great idea, to reach out. Well, I did reach out here - I am so glad I remembered this site! But I think it's a good idea to attack it from many angles - so maybe in the future I will reach out more. Actually, I just realised that I had messaged a good friend too. Just told her I had drinking thoughts again. So I guess there is one person in my "real" life that knows I've been struggling a bit.
Yeah I've been in therapy for 5 or 6 years. It's ending soon. But I have been working on myself a lot, building a life worth living, sans alcohol. It's just that there are so many mental illnesses and things I deal with that it can be a bit much sometimes!!! But I will keep up with the walking, gardening, healthy cooking, music, and deep breathing. I am supposed to be doing progressive muscle relaxation every single day but I have been putting it off for months. Perhaps it's time to actually start!?!? I don't know why I keep putting it off....
Anyway. I know I did try playing the tape a little bit, but I wasn't very good at it because my emotional (addict) mind was like nah, it honestly wasn't that bad, think about all the GOOD things.... like seriously?? It's an abusive relationship and I don't want to fall for it. Like your abusive ex coming back with flowers 2.5 years later and saying hey, I've changed, I'm a new person and it won't be so bad this time.....think of the future we can have together.
Like..... no. I don't want to fall for that bs anymore.
Also, I have to remember what I told myself last time. That if I ever drank again, even one sip, I probably wouldn't come back from that. That I would probably die before getting sober again. Like seriously. And I do want to live. So.... Thanks again all. I should probably stick around this place a little bit.
BullDog777 - that was such a great idea, to reach out. Well, I did reach out here - I am so glad I remembered this site! But I think it's a good idea to attack it from many angles - so maybe in the future I will reach out more. Actually, I just realised that I had messaged a good friend too. Just told her I had drinking thoughts again. So I guess there is one person in my "real" life that knows I've been struggling a bit.
Yeah I've been in therapy for 5 or 6 years. It's ending soon. But I have been working on myself a lot, building a life worth living, sans alcohol. It's just that there are so many mental illnesses and things I deal with that it can be a bit much sometimes!!! But I will keep up with the walking, gardening, healthy cooking, music, and deep breathing. I am supposed to be doing progressive muscle relaxation every single day but I have been putting it off for months. Perhaps it's time to actually start!?!? I don't know why I keep putting it off....
Anyway. I know I did try playing the tape a little bit, but I wasn't very good at it because my emotional (addict) mind was like nah, it honestly wasn't that bad, think about all the GOOD things.... like seriously?? It's an abusive relationship and I don't want to fall for it. Like your abusive ex coming back with flowers 2.5 years later and saying hey, I've changed, I'm a new person and it won't be so bad this time.....think of the future we can have together.
Like..... no. I don't want to fall for that bs anymore.
Also, I have to remember what I told myself last time. That if I ever drank again, even one sip, I probably wouldn't come back from that. That I would probably die before getting sober again. Like seriously. And I do want to live. So.... Thanks again all. I should probably stick around this place a little bit.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I only post this because of your statement that you would not survive the next relapse. I am in that same boat, and what worried me was that in your post I don’t see any recognised treatment for the illness that could kill you.
Playing the tape through is totally unreliable for alcoholics of my type. I think it is great that you picked up on some desire this time, but the truth is that while people notice a problem and take some action like you did, almost never drink out of that particular circumstance. That is because enough of your defences are functioning at this point.
Let me illustrate the way relapses are more likely to occur with an excerpt from the big book of Aa. “It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon”. So what did the guy do? He got drunk, and later was completely baffled as to how he ever got started again.
It is always easy to analyse what happened around a relapse after the event, if you survive, but more often than not, you won’t see it coming. That’s how it was for me. A thoughtless, careless moment is all it takes, it can be over in seconds. That is why AA stresses that at certain times the alcoholic is without defence against the first drink. Neither I nor any human power can provide such a defense. If the next first drink is likely to be fatal, as it would be for me, wouldn’t it be wise to do something about getting a reliable defence?
Playing the tape through is totally unreliable for alcoholics of my type. I think it is great that you picked up on some desire this time, but the truth is that while people notice a problem and take some action like you did, almost never drink out of that particular circumstance. That is because enough of your defences are functioning at this point.
Let me illustrate the way relapses are more likely to occur with an excerpt from the big book of Aa. “It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon”. So what did the guy do? He got drunk, and later was completely baffled as to how he ever got started again.
It is always easy to analyse what happened around a relapse after the event, if you survive, but more often than not, you won’t see it coming. That’s how it was for me. A thoughtless, careless moment is all it takes, it can be over in seconds. That is why AA stresses that at certain times the alcoholic is without defence against the first drink. Neither I nor any human power can provide such a defense. If the next first drink is likely to be fatal, as it would be for me, wouldn’t it be wise to do something about getting a reliable defence?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
I only post this because of your statement that you would not survive the next relapse. I am in that same boat, and what worried me was that in your post I don’t see any recognised treatment for the illness that could kill you.
Playing the tape through is totally unreliable for alcoholics of my type. I think it is great that you picked up on some desire this time, but the truth is that while people notice a problem and take some action like you did, almost never drink out of that particular circumstance. That is because enough of your defences are functioning at this point.
Let me illustrate the way relapses are more likely to occur with an excerpt from the big book of Aa. “It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon”. So what did the guy do? He got drunk, and later was completely baffled as to how he ever got started again.
It is always easy to analyse what happened around a relapse after the event, if you survive, but more often than not, you won’t see it coming. That’s how it was for me. A thoughtless, careless moment is all it takes, it can be over in seconds. That is why AA stresses that at certain times the alcoholic is without defence against the first drink. Neither I nor any human power can provide such a defense. If the next first drink is likely to be fatal, as it would be for me, wouldn’t it be wise to do something about getting a reliable defence?
Playing the tape through is totally unreliable for alcoholics of my type. I think it is great that you picked up on some desire this time, but the truth is that while people notice a problem and take some action like you did, almost never drink out of that particular circumstance. That is because enough of your defences are functioning at this point.
Let me illustrate the way relapses are more likely to occur with an excerpt from the big book of Aa. “It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon”. So what did the guy do? He got drunk, and later was completely baffled as to how he ever got started again.
It is always easy to analyse what happened around a relapse after the event, if you survive, but more often than not, you won’t see it coming. That’s how it was for me. A thoughtless, careless moment is all it takes, it can be over in seconds. That is why AA stresses that at certain times the alcoholic is without defence against the first drink. Neither I nor any human power can provide such a defense. If the next first drink is likely to be fatal, as it would be for me, wouldn’t it be wise to do something about getting a reliable defence?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by BullDog777
Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but this post seems like it's suggesting that AA needs to be the reliable defense and while that may be true for you and many others, it's not the only reliable method that exists.
AA, smart recovery, soberrecovery dot com, the exercise lifestyle, changes in diet, ridding your life of toxic people or employment: these things can help when a person is ready to quit but they are not magical.
The person needs to make the commitment, take the alcoholic veil off their eyes, and bravely embrace a long term sober life with no exception.
Identification as a sober person, everywhere. "I am sober" or "I don't drink" to parents and friends and colleagues and new people and old people...the entire class of '88 basically knows about my sobriety! Make it your central identity. Drinking now for me, would involve many uncomfortable explanations. Make it difficult to drink. Not just to who you know but also, yourself. "I am not a serial killer." "I do not sleep with every man I meet.". " I do not drink alcohol. ". Make it part of YOU.
Denial and self lies can exist anywhere, even in a support group.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: St. Paul, MN
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by Layali
I've never felt so close to having a drink before. I mean since I quit. Like it's a real thing. Maybe I've been lucky before.... But anyway, my stress levels are getting higher and higher, I'm so neurotic and probably stressing out/annoying everyone else. One friendship is very strained and I'm terrified of losing this person because my moods and irritability are so bad. And I'm just thinking....seriously, if I just bought some alcohol and holed up in my room and just drank, aahhh sweet relief, and I would be out of everyone's hair and not bother them anymore! I just need to chill but all my coping methods are nothing compared to how 'chill' I could get if I could just drink, just escape all this **** for awhile...
Not drinking, the stress is just THERE and I'm this little ball of angst and fearing that I'm ruining friendships by being this way. Anyway I've been feeling more and more low these past couple days (where before I was quite on a high, happy, super pumped about everything) and today and yesterday it's just dropped.... I just...wish I had an easy way to detach. And I can't stop thinking about and romanticizing drinking.
Not drinking, the stress is just THERE and I'm this little ball of angst and fearing that I'm ruining friendships by being this way. Anyway I've been feeling more and more low these past couple days (where before I was quite on a high, happy, super pumped about everything) and today and yesterday it's just dropped.... I just...wish I had an easy way to detach. And I can't stop thinking about and romanticizing drinking.
It was getting easier for me. Even though I was pissed off at the world dry drunk.
I don't know how old you are but my health doesn't seem to be the same now that I'm in my late 30s.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by Layali
Gottalife - what are you suggesting this reliable defense is?
Your mileage may vary, but that is what has worked for me.
You may already be doing so, but I didn't glean that from your posts.
Please don't drink and stay with us on SR.
As an aside, thanks for sharing the Robert Frost quote.
It lead me back to the poem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 193
I just read over my original post and realised that maybe I didn't explain what I WAS doing for a healthy life worth living, without alcohol. :O I guess I explained some in my second post here but maybe not everyone saw it. I have been in active therapy, weekly, for my various issues... which has included the drinking but many, many other things as well. Also around the time I was quitting and for a little while after, was in specific addictions therapy as well. I also went through two different pre-rehab groups, intensive twice a week things, where I learned a TON of skills and information and was able to talk with others going through similar things.
I have been working through DBT/CBT with my therapist but it has been hard for me at times to remember all the skills and to put them into practice. But I have changed a lot of habits, gotten rid of toxic friends, developed more of my spiritual life, started gardening, writing, deep breathing, changed my diet, exercise, etc.... Also added some new, healthy friends into my life
Oh! And I was also in women for sobriety for awhile.
Also I should say maybe that the reason I've been so stressed out lately wasn't necessarily because I couldn't drink and wanted to - it was the various mental illness and emotional issues that I deal with. My last therapy appointment is coming up and that's making me nervous too. I had a big dip in my mood and I think it took me off guard.
I'm really thankful that I remembered to log onto this site and reach out. Also reached out to a good friend. Of course, I still had all those thoughts....basically romanticizing the drinking. I've been trained to notice when I'm on the relapse ladder and try to catch it as soon as possible. One of my biggest fears has been what someone else mentioned here - just randomly picking up without even thinking about it. So....I'm glad I did post here.
Thank you to everyone who has been responding.
I've learned so far that playing the tape forward is a bit weak for me at times, and need to strengthen that and also find other more reliable methods. And that I need to strengthen my coping skills for my issues. And it also reminded me of something I have that I can take for stress - I had actually totally forgotten about it (it's a herbal remedy that works for me. I had been using it for social anxiety on rare occasions, but forgot it can help me in these situations too) Although I haven't drank so I was able to get through this time... I will always work on what else I can do, though. I'm so thankful for everyone responding and wanting to help - you're awesome! Thanks! ^_^
Even reading others posts on this forum has reminded me of where I used to be, and what that used to feel like... I don't want to go back to that. If I drink, I will still have the emotional issues I have now but they will be worsened, intensified, and I would not only mostly likely still be bothering people a lot, but would probably be doing that but while drunk too!!! I'm pretty sure that would drive people away even faster....
SoberCAH - you're welcome about the poem! I really love that poem....
Amnesiac - I'm sorry about your dad. The first time I quit for any real length of time (5 months) I was doing well until the summer when two friends died. They weren't super close friends, but it was still a major shock. And I relapsed. So since then, I've been afraid that even though I've been able to not drink through various hardships, that I would relapse if anyone else died. I really need to work on that. I want to be prepared to live a healthy life no matter what (I'm mid 30's right now)
Okay I hope this rambling post made sense.
I have been working through DBT/CBT with my therapist but it has been hard for me at times to remember all the skills and to put them into practice. But I have changed a lot of habits, gotten rid of toxic friends, developed more of my spiritual life, started gardening, writing, deep breathing, changed my diet, exercise, etc.... Also added some new, healthy friends into my life
Oh! And I was also in women for sobriety for awhile.
Also I should say maybe that the reason I've been so stressed out lately wasn't necessarily because I couldn't drink and wanted to - it was the various mental illness and emotional issues that I deal with. My last therapy appointment is coming up and that's making me nervous too. I had a big dip in my mood and I think it took me off guard.
I'm really thankful that I remembered to log onto this site and reach out. Also reached out to a good friend. Of course, I still had all those thoughts....basically romanticizing the drinking. I've been trained to notice when I'm on the relapse ladder and try to catch it as soon as possible. One of my biggest fears has been what someone else mentioned here - just randomly picking up without even thinking about it. So....I'm glad I did post here.
Thank you to everyone who has been responding.
I've learned so far that playing the tape forward is a bit weak for me at times, and need to strengthen that and also find other more reliable methods. And that I need to strengthen my coping skills for my issues. And it also reminded me of something I have that I can take for stress - I had actually totally forgotten about it (it's a herbal remedy that works for me. I had been using it for social anxiety on rare occasions, but forgot it can help me in these situations too) Although I haven't drank so I was able to get through this time... I will always work on what else I can do, though. I'm so thankful for everyone responding and wanting to help - you're awesome! Thanks! ^_^
Even reading others posts on this forum has reminded me of where I used to be, and what that used to feel like... I don't want to go back to that. If I drink, I will still have the emotional issues I have now but they will be worsened, intensified, and I would not only mostly likely still be bothering people a lot, but would probably be doing that but while drunk too!!! I'm pretty sure that would drive people away even faster....
SoberCAH - you're welcome about the poem! I really love that poem....
Amnesiac - I'm sorry about your dad. The first time I quit for any real length of time (5 months) I was doing well until the summer when two friends died. They weren't super close friends, but it was still a major shock. And I relapsed. So since then, I've been afraid that even though I've been able to not drink through various hardships, that I would relapse if anyone else died. I really need to work on that. I want to be prepared to live a healthy life no matter what (I'm mid 30's right now)
Okay I hope this rambling post made sense.
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