Real, Raw Talk About Relapse & Recovery, by O & Cow & All You Chuckleheads
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Hey all,
I been catching up. Girl go away for a while and lots happen. Such great posts here.
Whole 30 is great. If you are going to do it with a friend, you might try to Whole Life Challenge, which is Whole 30 with some other fun stuff added. (O, Cow, this is what I was trying to get us to do together).
My goal is also to get in shape, I still fat but decided that getting in shape has to be first priority and hopefully fat goes too.
Love you chuckleheads.
I been catching up. Girl go away for a while and lots happen. Such great posts here.
Whole 30 is great. If you are going to do it with a friend, you might try to Whole Life Challenge, which is Whole 30 with some other fun stuff added. (O, Cow, this is what I was trying to get us to do together).
My goal is also to get in shape, I still fat but decided that getting in shape has to be first priority and hopefully fat goes too.
Love you chuckleheads.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Saw therapist today. She very skeptical of me and this sobriety venture, and rightly so. She still want me to go on depression meds, but I feeling better in this respect just from being off alcohols and titrating down the benzo, so I tell her, you know, I really believe what is needed for me is LESS drugs, not more drugs. She agree to "wait and see." If I disappoint again, she gonna give me ultimatum, I sure. Other than this, we have nice chatty appointment with couple of nice chuckles.
Still in my cowcoon with bad withdrawals, but has found herb that very effective for the benzo WD heart-attack anxiety, so thank gods for that. I not mind suffering too much when I able to think of it as penny in my piggy bank.
Hi Drops! I not can do Whole 30 Proper, cuz I has many food sensitivity and is very limit to what I can eat. Food I tolerate include dairy, sprouted grain and bean, so would decimate menu to remove these. And plus also, I eat 3 little piece of candy after lunch repast, which would has to pry from my cold dead hooves.
But I does have very good nutrition and eating mostly whole food, so I think still I should be let into club, yes?
Prose I enjoying from my book today:
Still in my cowcoon with bad withdrawals, but has found herb that very effective for the benzo WD heart-attack anxiety, so thank gods for that. I not mind suffering too much when I able to think of it as penny in my piggy bank.
Hi Drops! I not can do Whole 30 Proper, cuz I has many food sensitivity and is very limit to what I can eat. Food I tolerate include dairy, sprouted grain and bean, so would decimate menu to remove these. And plus also, I eat 3 little piece of candy after lunch repast, which would has to pry from my cold dead hooves.
But I does have very good nutrition and eating mostly whole food, so I think still I should be let into club, yes? Prose I enjoying from my book today:
It seemed shameful that my sadness had no extraordinary source. I had two great longings and one fought the other: I always wanted to be loved and I always wanted to be alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Dropsie 
Next whole life challenge starts on Sept 29 for six weeks, but we could do Whole 30 starting on September 1 and then do the challenge -- who is in -- could be a pasture thing! It fits with Sassy's Atkins...
Leaning out nicely but it's SO HARD to be off carbs. My brain misses the jolt of sugar and so do my muscles.
Anyway, I gotta go make more jello...see you peeps later
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
OK gals but whole life challenge you could stick to your diet as you wish and do the rest, its fun!
I was strcuk by something Cow said how she is 100 percent sure she done with cigs meth etc but not booze benzos etc.
Being totally honest, I am the same. I KNOW I will never smoke again, drinking less sure. I tell myself I know it, but I dont KNOW it.
I think that is because booze is such a strong psychological addiction and so tricky. I also think that is why the "decision already taken" is so smart and why I always say I dont drink and I will not change my mind as a reminder.
Dont get me wrong, I will never quit the decision, I just want to recognize that I totally see that even after a few years I am not as SURE like in my bones sure like about cigs.
I also dont believe in counting days -- I have never done it. I am done, which is forever, so whats all the counting about?? And were I to slip, starting at zero is just depressing. That sober time does not disappear!
I love all your posts.
I was strcuk by something Cow said how she is 100 percent sure she done with cigs meth etc but not booze benzos etc.
Being totally honest, I am the same. I KNOW I will never smoke again, drinking less sure. I tell myself I know it, but I dont KNOW it.
I think that is because booze is such a strong psychological addiction and so tricky. I also think that is why the "decision already taken" is so smart and why I always say I dont drink and I will not change my mind as a reminder.
Dont get me wrong, I will never quit the decision, I just want to recognize that I totally see that even after a few years I am not as SURE like in my bones sure like about cigs.
I also dont believe in counting days -- I have never done it. I am done, which is forever, so whats all the counting about?? And were I to slip, starting at zero is just depressing. That sober time does not disappear!
I love all your posts.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,100
Obladi & Cow -
You sound good, both of you. I mean like you're doing the right things, spite of discomfort or whatever.
When you get to that really bad 10 minutes, when you're utterly convinced you must have a substance, with or without reason -- what's the plan?
You sound good, both of you. I mean like you're doing the right things, spite of discomfort or whatever.
When you get to that really bad 10 minutes, when you're utterly convinced you must have a substance, with or without reason -- what's the plan?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,748
Lots of juicy duality talk up in here. Cow, I will check out that video! There is something about all of this talk that is tremendously comforting to me. The relative scale of our beings and our tiny problems makes me feel relieved of the feeling of importance of every little decision I make. Feeling like my problems are so all encompassing made me want to dive into a well of wine for 25 years. Hey it still sounds pretty good sometimes, but now that I'm trying to trip out on my own perception and inability to escape reality, I need to remember science. Science heals me. Cosima, all of this is my higher power too.
I was feeling so low this morning, I wanted to disappear. I had a rough bout of depression over the long weekend. I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I saw that Jill Janus of the band Huntress had died. Her death did not cheer me up, noooooo. But, her passing reminded me of her mechanisms for coping. Her beliefs and her sobriety and her creations, in the face of schizophrenia and depression. And now she's blasted herself out into the universe from whence she came. That made me feel strong again for some reason.
"The force of nature is my religion." -- Jill Janus
I was feeling so low this morning, I wanted to disappear. I had a rough bout of depression over the long weekend. I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I saw that Jill Janus of the band Huntress had died. Her death did not cheer me up, noooooo. But, her passing reminded me of her mechanisms for coping. Her beliefs and her sobriety and her creations, in the face of schizophrenia and depression. And now she's blasted herself out into the universe from whence she came. That made me feel strong again for some reason.
"The force of nature is my religion." -- Jill Janus
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi, my name is Cow and I a sub-particle and theoretical physics geek.
Interesting thing about Mandelbrot Set is, it show that infinite complexity can exist within a closed system. I think that what consciousness is. And maybe appropro to the addict, Mandelbrot set contain infinite number of slightly distorted copies of it own self. I think we all maybe can relate to that.
Hi Bunny, I think about you question, and, at end of day, all I got is "THIS DECISION HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE." I mean, what else is they at bottom of it? No matter what is done or who I speak too, reality is, I a 52 year-old cow, who live alone, and is self-sufficient. If I want to use, I can use. Easy Peasy.
But I hope in those 10 minute, I realize that I not gonna die in those 10 minute and can admit to self that in past I has been gratuitously indulgent of this insanity.
Interesting thing about Mandelbrot Set is, it show that infinite complexity can exist within a closed system. I think that what consciousness is. And maybe appropro to the addict, Mandelbrot set contain infinite number of slightly distorted copies of it own self. I think we all maybe can relate to that.
Originally Posted by courage2
When you get to that really bad 10 minutes, when you're utterly convinced you must have a substance, with or without reason -- what's the plan?
But I hope in those 10 minute, I realize that I not gonna die in those 10 minute and can admit to self that in past I has been gratuitously indulgent of this insanity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
The best I had was a combination of this decision has already been taken together with total clarity that the next time would be exactly the same, only worse, .... if I got one.
So there was no benefit in drinking because anything it would alleviate would be back, and more so. So what was the point. Plus stopping was so hard, if I knew the process would just start again why do it.
Exactly the same way I quit smoking. why start again if I just have to stop again, and it would be harder, what is the point in that, plus I already decided, so that is that. Decision taken and I would never quit the decision. I be a stubborn old bat.
That was exacly the way I quit. And not relapsed for about three years. Dont know date cause I dont count.
I hope it be a lot of days, cause it will be as long as I live, which I hope be a looong time.
I not into just for today, I had to commit. Just for today left a constant stream of decisions, I took one decision. I dont drink and I never change my mind. I no even know about rational recovery, that just be how I roll.
Not saying I never relapsed, but each time I stopped it was forever. But nobody perfect. And if I screw up, I dust myself off take my learnings and keep on moving forward. No need to change date or restart counting, cause I don't count.
My two cents.
PS I cheat on physics exam so I have no idea of particles, but I like to read your posts. Very interesting.
So there was no benefit in drinking because anything it would alleviate would be back, and more so. So what was the point. Plus stopping was so hard, if I knew the process would just start again why do it.
Exactly the same way I quit smoking. why start again if I just have to stop again, and it would be harder, what is the point in that, plus I already decided, so that is that. Decision taken and I would never quit the decision. I be a stubborn old bat.
That was exacly the way I quit. And not relapsed for about three years. Dont know date cause I dont count.
I hope it be a lot of days, cause it will be as long as I live, which I hope be a looong time.
I not into just for today, I had to commit. Just for today left a constant stream of decisions, I took one decision. I dont drink and I never change my mind. I no even know about rational recovery, that just be how I roll.
Not saying I never relapsed, but each time I stopped it was forever. But nobody perfect. And if I screw up, I dust myself off take my learnings and keep on moving forward. No need to change date or restart counting, cause I don't count.
My two cents.
PS I cheat on physics exam so I have no idea of particles, but I like to read your posts. Very interesting.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
HA! AHA! HA HA HA! There it is. 
Knew it not gonna be THAT simple.
Was big battle today. I total get trigger writing response to Bunny ^right up there. When I say, I not gonna indulge my insanity. Felt it right away. *ping*
Beside lot of "THIS DECISION HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE" mantra, one thing that help was something Bunny say previous, calling out my insanity defense by pointing out it take lot of deliberate cognition to go from thought of using to getting dress, drive to store, interact there, purchase drugs, etc. Mhmm. So you see Bunny, I listening. I maybe get snarky when I not like it, but I listening, and you words was very helpful today.
O - how is you going? It occur to me you daughter leaving might be trigger...
Knew it not gonna be THAT simple. Was big battle today. I total get trigger writing response to Bunny ^right up there. When I say, I not gonna indulge my insanity. Felt it right away. *ping*
really? you not? is you sure? really?! but? but? is you sure? cuz you always has? right? so just want to be sure? let just go through why not again, okay? maybe is flaw in those reasons? loophole maybe? just making sure you sure, okay? so, is you sure? really?! 
Couple hour of invasive thoughts. Was not continuous, more like Whack-A-Mole, but it pretty fierce fight. I guess Addict Cow not want to lose her insanity defense.Beside lot of "THIS DECISION HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE" mantra, one thing that help was something Bunny say previous, calling out my insanity defense by pointing out it take lot of deliberate cognition to go from thought of using to getting dress, drive to store, interact there, purchase drugs, etc. Mhmm. So you see Bunny, I listening. I maybe get snarky when I not like it, but I listening, and you words was very helpful today.
O - how is you going? It occur to me you daughter leaving might be trigger...
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,100
I hate invasive thoughts. Don't have them so much anymore. Meditation has helped with that, probably. When one of them gets at me -- usually in the form of "kill everyone" -- I just throw "everything is brahma" right back at it. Comes more natural after a while.
How goes, Obladi?
How goes, Obladi?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,469
Hey All;
I wanted to let you know how helpful this thread has been for me--lots of thoughtful content to mull.
I wanted to pick up on courage's mediation comment above,
as this has been the most recent (and dare I say become the most effective) tool in my "no relapse recovery" toolbox.
I've dabbled in trying to mediate for years--had the best success while doing yoga,
but recently I've begun to get more serious with a daily program.
Someone on the August thread mentioned a free meditation app called "Insight Timer"
which has been incredibly helpful in helping me get a structure and creating space for a practice.
I won't post the URL due to SR rules, but if you look it up, I think you will like it.
It can do several things--most useful to me at first was the timing feature,
which allows you to select how long, interval bells or not, background sounds or not, and a tracking system.
More recently I've been listening to some of the guided meditations and talks,
(hundreds of these) and the ones for sleeping have been really helpful in particular.
They also have a variety of music / sounds for background in work or rest.
So far I've just used the free content, but for a very modest fee (4.99)
there are many short courses to take with various teachers, and you can upgrade services also quite cheaply,
though I don't think I will be doing that.
What I like is that I can wake up, turn on my ipad,
and get fifteen minutes in before I "officially" start the day.
Or if I wake up with insomnia, I can play a sleeping track and actually fall asleep before the end.
They also have a free 7 day course to get you started--10 minutes per day--which is quite a good intro.
How it is helping me deal with cravings / relapse is that I have a "place" to go if I want to use.
By the time I do 20 minutes on my own, or listen to a talk or guided meditation,
the craving has generally passed, and I can witness it as the destructive distraction it is.
I'm still really a raw beginner, and my mind wanders in fits and starts,
but I am actually beginning to sense the "everything is brahma" underpinning of the whole human charade
Oddly enough, I find that comforting . . .
I wanted to let you know how helpful this thread has been for me--lots of thoughtful content to mull.
I wanted to pick up on courage's mediation comment above,
as this has been the most recent (and dare I say become the most effective) tool in my "no relapse recovery" toolbox.
I've dabbled in trying to mediate for years--had the best success while doing yoga,
but recently I've begun to get more serious with a daily program.
Someone on the August thread mentioned a free meditation app called "Insight Timer"
which has been incredibly helpful in helping me get a structure and creating space for a practice.
I won't post the URL due to SR rules, but if you look it up, I think you will like it.
It can do several things--most useful to me at first was the timing feature,
which allows you to select how long, interval bells or not, background sounds or not, and a tracking system.
More recently I've been listening to some of the guided meditations and talks,
(hundreds of these) and the ones for sleeping have been really helpful in particular.
They also have a variety of music / sounds for background in work or rest.
So far I've just used the free content, but for a very modest fee (4.99)
there are many short courses to take with various teachers, and you can upgrade services also quite cheaply,
though I don't think I will be doing that.
What I like is that I can wake up, turn on my ipad,
and get fifteen minutes in before I "officially" start the day.
Or if I wake up with insomnia, I can play a sleeping track and actually fall asleep before the end.
They also have a free 7 day course to get you started--10 minutes per day--which is quite a good intro.
How it is helping me deal with cravings / relapse is that I have a "place" to go if I want to use.
By the time I do 20 minutes on my own, or listen to a talk or guided meditation,
the craving has generally passed, and I can witness it as the destructive distraction it is.
I'm still really a raw beginner, and my mind wanders in fits and starts,
but I am actually beginning to sense the "everything is brahma" underpinning of the whole human charade
Oddly enough, I find that comforting . . .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Hey All;
I wanted to let you know how helpful this thread has been for me--lots of thoughtful content to mull.
I wanted to pick up on courage's mediation comment above,
as this has been the most recent (and dare I say become the most effective) tool in my "no relapse recovery" toolbox.
I've dabbled in trying to mediate for years--had the best success while doing yoga,
but recently I've begun to get more serious with a daily program.
Someone on the August thread mentioned a free meditation app called "Insight Timer"
which has been incredibly helpful in helping me get a structure and creating space for a practice.
I won't post the URL due to SR rules, but if you look it up, I think you will like it.
It can do several things--most useful to me at first was the timing feature,
which allows you to select how long, interval bells or not, background sounds or not, and a tracking system.
More recently I've been listening to some of the guided meditations and talks,
(hundreds of these) and the ones for sleeping have been really helpful in particular.
They also have a variety of music / sounds for background in work or rest.
So far I've just used the free content, but for a very modest fee (4.99)
there are many short courses to take with various teachers, and you can upgrade services also quite cheaply,
though I don't think I will be doing that.
What I like is that I can wake up, turn on my ipad,
and get fifteen minutes in before I "officially" start the day.
Or if I wake up with insomnia, I can play a sleeping track and actually fall asleep before the end.
They also have a free 7 day course to get you started--10 minutes per day--which is quite a good intro.
How it is helping me deal with cravings / relapse is that I have a "place" to go if I want to use.
By the time I do 20 minutes on my own, or listen to a talk or guided meditation,
the craving has generally passed, and I can witness it as the destructive distraction it is.
I'm still really a raw beginner, and my mind wanders in fits and starts,
but I am actually beginning to sense the "everything is brahma" underpinning of the whole human charade
Oddly enough, I find that comforting . . .
I wanted to let you know how helpful this thread has been for me--lots of thoughtful content to mull.
I wanted to pick up on courage's mediation comment above,
as this has been the most recent (and dare I say become the most effective) tool in my "no relapse recovery" toolbox.
I've dabbled in trying to mediate for years--had the best success while doing yoga,
but recently I've begun to get more serious with a daily program.
Someone on the August thread mentioned a free meditation app called "Insight Timer"
which has been incredibly helpful in helping me get a structure and creating space for a practice.
I won't post the URL due to SR rules, but if you look it up, I think you will like it.
It can do several things--most useful to me at first was the timing feature,
which allows you to select how long, interval bells or not, background sounds or not, and a tracking system.
More recently I've been listening to some of the guided meditations and talks,
(hundreds of these) and the ones for sleeping have been really helpful in particular.
They also have a variety of music / sounds for background in work or rest.
So far I've just used the free content, but for a very modest fee (4.99)
there are many short courses to take with various teachers, and you can upgrade services also quite cheaply,
though I don't think I will be doing that.
What I like is that I can wake up, turn on my ipad,
and get fifteen minutes in before I "officially" start the day.
Or if I wake up with insomnia, I can play a sleeping track and actually fall asleep before the end.
They also have a free 7 day course to get you started--10 minutes per day--which is quite a good intro.
How it is helping me deal with cravings / relapse is that I have a "place" to go if I want to use.
By the time I do 20 minutes on my own, or listen to a talk or guided meditation,
the craving has generally passed, and I can witness it as the destructive distraction it is.
I'm still really a raw beginner, and my mind wanders in fits and starts,
but I am actually beginning to sense the "everything is brahma" underpinning of the whole human charade
Oddly enough, I find that comforting . . .
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi Hawk and Soberista! 
Where "O" where is my partner in crimes? Please check in, lambchop.
I usual meditate at night during period of insomnia. It help me get back to sleep. Cuz once brain get yappy is zero chance to drift back.
Last night I meditate from 4:00AM to around 5:30AM and final was success in returning to sleep, BUT THEN I has terrible nightmares and wake up super stress out and full of anxieties! So I has to meditate again to calm my ass down!
Where "O" where is my partner in crimes? Please check in, lambchop.
I usual meditate at night during period of insomnia. It help me get back to sleep. Cuz once brain get yappy is zero chance to drift back.
Last night I meditate from 4:00AM to around 5:30AM and final was success in returning to sleep, BUT THEN I has terrible nightmares and wake up super stress out and full of anxieties! So I has to meditate again to calm my ass down!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,100
What I experience in meditation comes, I think, all from the breathing. By deliberate breath control and visualization of the flow of breath, I sometimes experience something that is all within -- like a dream is all in your head, but this involves more the whole.
When I first got sober, like 6 months in (?), I started with breathing and counting during breathing. I kind of learned to do that decades ago and took it up again. Does anyone else do breathing meditation - pranayama?
Now I've added in what are called mahavakyas -- big utterances Like sarvam khalvidam brahma -- everything is brahma. The thing about them is, they're all adjectival, at least the ones I use. So they don't provoke questioning and analysis. What is brahma? Everything. What is everything? Brahma.
I need anti-analysis
When I first got sober, like 6 months in (?), I started with breathing and counting during breathing. I kind of learned to do that decades ago and took it up again. Does anyone else do breathing meditation - pranayama?
Now I've added in what are called mahavakyas -- big utterances
Like sarvam khalvidam brahma -- everything is brahma. The thing about them is, they're all adjectival, at least the ones I use. So they don't provoke questioning and analysis. What is brahma? Everything. What is everything? Brahma. I need anti-analysis
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi soberista, I am battling food addiction too. 11 days in a low carb diet now with some modest weight loss.
I am grateful that I said eff you to body image and beauty standards and focused on function. Am I able to exercise? I love cross fit and lifting. But I started to gain so much that I had severe and debilitating foot pain.
There was a reason to change my diet: a real reason. Screw everything diet culture tries to tell me. We don't all fit in one mold. But how are we feeling? How are we functioning? Are we tied up in addicted patterns or are we free? These are the questions I ask myself as a wiser, more awake person who is gentler with myself than before.
I am grateful that I said eff you to body image and beauty standards and focused on function. Am I able to exercise? I love cross fit and lifting. But I started to gain so much that I had severe and debilitating foot pain.
There was a reason to change my diet: a real reason. Screw everything diet culture tries to tell me. We don't all fit in one mold. But how are we feeling? How are we functioning? Are we tied up in addicted patterns or are we free? These are the questions I ask myself as a wiser, more awake person who is gentler with myself than before.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by courage2
What I experience in meditation comes, I think, all from the breathing. By deliberate breath control and visualization of the flow of breath, I sometimes experience something that is all within -- like a dream is all in your head, but this involves more the whole.
When I first got sober, like 6 months in (?), I started with breathing and counting during breathing. I kind of learned to do that decades ago and took it up again. Does anyone else do breathing meditation - pranayama?
Now I've added in what are called mahavakyas -- big utterances Like sarvam khalvidam brahma -- everything is brahma. The thing about them is, they're all adjectival, at least the ones I use. So they don't provoke questioning and analysis. What is brahma? Everything. What is everything? Brahma.
I need anti-analysis
When I first got sober, like 6 months in (?), I started with breathing and counting during breathing. I kind of learned to do that decades ago and took it up again. Does anyone else do breathing meditation - pranayama?
Now I've added in what are called mahavakyas -- big utterances
Like sarvam khalvidam brahma -- everything is brahma. The thing about them is, they're all adjectival, at least the ones I use. So they don't provoke questioning and analysis. What is brahma? Everything. What is everything? Brahma. I need anti-analysis
The focus is on the breath on a spot on the space between the top lip and under the nose. The focus is on the breath. In and out. When the mind wanders from the breath it is gently brought back to the breath. Repeatedly. Nothing else. She said she has meditated on things such as the last breath...which i did and it made me cry when i first did it. It doesnt any more. So thats what i shall be doing from tomorrow morning but only for a short period and with practice increase my time.
I think your right. What is everything Brahma. Brahma is everything.
Namaste.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Hi soberista, I am battling food addiction too. 11 days in a low carb diet now with some modest weight loss.
I am grateful that I said eff you to body image and beauty standards and focused on function. Am I able to exercise? I love cross fit and lifting. But I started to gain so much that I had severe and debilitating foot pain.
There was a reason to change my diet: a real reason. Screw everything diet culture tries to tell me. We don't all fit in one mold. But how are we feeling? How are we functioning? Are we tied up in addicted patterns or are we free? These are the questions I ask myself as a wiser, more awake person who is gentler with myself than before.
I am grateful that I said eff you to body image and beauty standards and focused on function. Am I able to exercise? I love cross fit and lifting. But I started to gain so much that I had severe and debilitating foot pain.
There was a reason to change my diet: a real reason. Screw everything diet culture tries to tell me. We don't all fit in one mold. But how are we feeling? How are we functioning? Are we tied up in addicted patterns or are we free? These are the questions I ask myself as a wiser, more awake person who is gentler with myself than before.
I know why i have the glitch but i have started to unravel its orgins and in the first instance when the bulimia started. I stopped making myself sick maybe around 2004 but smoking took over (smoked since i was 16) its place along with an up lift in my alcohol consumption... This stopped me eating.
I lifted weights, aerobics, running 10k daily and created a Frankenstein all held together with fags and booze and an unsteady head that outwardly everything looked perfect.
Its only now, all satellite addictions dealt with, that the big one has reared its head - eating! And its not about eating. Its about stuffing down feelings that i have dealt with through counselling. Ive had counselling, sold everything, downsized, built a studio in the garden to be creative in and have a great supportive partner.
There is no rhyme or reason now, with the life that ive engineered, for me to be unhappy and need to stuff down any feelings. I have a voice, i am loved, i am valued, i can express how i feel.
So wrestling it over and over all i am left with is this. I am so used to being this person, so used to trip trapping to the the kitchen thoughtlessly, so quick to listen to this negative internal chatter that i can only surmise that this is habit chatter and i need to get down to some serious brain potty training. I have decided today enough now. Immediately my little chitter chatter friend says "well you need to maybe do 3 meals a day, or what about vegan?, or perhaps keto, or even paleo??" just like Cow describes earlier when her head went Ping! So ive got some meal shakes and i will do that for maybe 10 days and work my way through this. Its like taking alcohol off the table. I cant currently control myself once i start eating so lets deal with the cold turkey and i will take it from there.
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