LeeJo

Jeez, did I clear the room again?

aussieblue

trach is back!!!!!
good to see you.

Delizadee

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Gilmer don't gag. Unicorn glimmer is not necessarily as pretty coming up the top than the bottom.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Delizadee

Can I be a Debbie Downer?
I lie in sparkles and say big things but, I realize today I am not so okay as I pretend myself to be.
I have chosen to deal with ex-narcissist in very bad way I guess. Spent two days in bed with friends I shouldn't be with.

Le sigh.
De Nile is not just a river in egypt. Twin sister also I guess.

LeeJo

((((Deliz)))). New day, start over. Begin again.

XoxoxoxLee

trachemys

Take
The
Boots
Off
The
Dog

lol

I was never really gone. Just quiet.

trachemys

So, start there. No wailing, gnashing of teeth, hair shirts, or self-flailing.

Be as better as you can be today.

Cow

... ...wait... that was you pretending to be okay?

I keed. Is okay Poppet, is no judgements here.

Delizadee

lawlz

Bad coping mechanisms right?
The benzo shake remedy is stupid but. Seems like I tell myself bedtime stories about everything followed with warm milk lol. Whatever at this point.

I have never ok lol you all are all right. And I am all right with that because it true
Crazy is as crazy is. It waaaaay too boring not crazy.

Dropsie

This whole honesty with ourselves thing is so much harder than it sounds.

But most people don't have it down yet, and don't even realise it.

At least we trying....

Dropsie

Otter recommended an article in another thread that I just read and thought was really helpful.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4553654/

Check it out if you have a few minutes to spare.

Rar

Great article. I think it should be a sticky. I liked the part, "Being comfortable with being uncomfortable".

Dropsie

I will ask Dee.

I really think its very good.

Dropsie

Happy Easter to the pasture.

No big plans here.

Got some bagels etc for a little Easter brunch with my better half. Girls are with my Ex.

I am going to try and use this Easter to do a little rebirth. Keep you posted on how it goes.

XXX

Cow

I being force to have family dinner even though cows not believe in gods.

I maybe need some supporting from pasture. I took writing project last week. Big one that require sharp, creative, clever mind and I not have that without my poison mistress, coffee. So, I been dancing with the devil. Breaking rules. End up go total manic and drinking. SHOCKER!! not. Only happen ever single time I touch lips with that bitch. But I was very stress out to do good job up to standard they expecting and meet deadlines and such. I did make big effort to work without using, but sleepy Borg brain not can come up with the goods unless I juice it.

Anyways, after long talk with therapist, it come down to that maybe I has to choose between work and sobriety. She tell me to think on it and we talk again tomorrow.

I choose sobriety. But they is the small matter of monies. So, I gonna need all you guys to tithe me 10% you earnings, okay? ... ... Hello? Hellooo? ... But serious, it is conundrum.

Good news is, this April Fool recommitted to sobriety. Yes, good day to rise from dead, so I hear.

Obladi

Oh Cow, I hear you. My job is who I am but perhaps perversely is part of my drunkenness. I'd never thought of that before. It's way more than a matter of tithing, no?

Hawkeye13

Hi Cow and friends;

Funny but my job has been my big trigger this year as well.
It has changed from me kind of being part of the "center" where I had great impact / autonomy to where the new people hired are taking that part over and I'm more in a supporting role now (related to my job rank, not to my work in particular, just changes to the program in which I work).

Although in one way I've welcomed stepping back, I've also experienced quite a bit of stress related to job security, being too "vested" in outcome / changes, and feeling like my input and two decades of service aren't really relevant to the new model. Also, I'm not included in the "clique" of the new hires who are now the "deciders" for better or worse. It feels funny to walk past closed door meetings of people I helped hire--It hurts, quite frankly.

That's the trouble with a "good" or "meaningful" job--the golden handcuffs.
You need it for the money, but it is also part of you and living up to a high standard (like you needed to do Cow last week) is part and parcel of not just what you do but who you are in relation to it (I think that's what you're getting at O).

Anyway, this past year has been a big upheaval and I've derailed myself a number of times with brief relapses in the name of "stress relief" from work but of course it isn't working, and I've gone back to total abstinence.

I am trying to get to retirement, but really struggling to even keep up with basic tasks and that adds hugely to pressure and stress levels.
One more year would sort of work, but three would be much better for my exit package.

I also think in the end it is coming down to what can I manage putting sobriety first.

I don't know if that is any comfort, but at least you aren't alone in the struggle.
It is fantastic you got good quality work and be proud of yourself for that.
What options might be possible if you do find the conflict of work / sobriety too much to manage?

XXX

fini

Cow,
i imagine this is not real news to you, that your 'spark and sparkle' for your work has linked itself to substance use and/or the conviction you need certain substances.
(ever looked up "state learning"? interesting stuff)

are you really totally shocked that this happened? if so, then you learned something again. if not, then there are other questions to be asked of yourself, yes?

Dropsie

Pasture people,

Cow you is one smart cookie (but we knew that). From a fellow pasture member, your need to work at the quality level that people expect is almost always the precursor to coffee and then ......

Many of my friends are creatives and I have seen the stress to produce and what it can do to a person, and they don't have your challenges.

I am a lawyer, which has it own pressures to produce at a high level.

So here is what I think today. You can stop working but I think that would be hard for you. You can get a non-creative job, maybe even harder.

Or you could decide that you are good enough sober and caffeine-less and see how it goes. Because honestly, at this stage in our lives, why do we care so much what others think really??

I have a wonderful therapist and she says "take the easy way." Do it, but use all that brain power that I use trying to find the hardest way to do it, to do it the easy way.

What I find is that when I am trying to write something and it is hard, I get uncomfortable emotionally, so I stop doing it. As I have said, I think I missed the emotional resilience line. But now what I am trying to do, and it is working, is just keep going.

Even if the product is sh*t, which is never is, I have a daft to work with with enough time to -- shocker -- work with it.

I love Stephen King's book "On Writing" (though not a huge fan of his work -- too scary). He talks about learning to create sober.

I know for you the issue is caffeine too, which makes it so much harder. I know.

But rather than stop working, maybe first try to work without giving such a sh*t about everything and see how it goes. My work is much better since I tried it.

O, I hear you too. My work has been my life. I am good at it, I think I make a difference. But then my friend, who was better than me and made more of a difference, drops dead of blood poisoning for no reason at 65.

So now I am trying not to identify so much of myself with my work. Again, work in progress but its helping.

HE, my sweet, I hear you. I was a big wig partner at an international firm and for a variety of reasons left and went to this small firm full of people younger than I am who think they are hot shots.

And -- shocker -- they don't care what I think. And I took a more collateral role so lots of close door meetings etc.

In the begginign I hated it. Now, freedom. Cause at the end of the day, what does it matter.

We are all so much more than what we do for a living.

So my thought for Easter Monday, is keep working, but try not to give so much of a f*ck. It has really helped me.

As my Easter vow, I am going to do the Course in Circles if anyone wants to join. Not the book, just the daily lessons. My most grounded friends all swear by it, so I am going to try it.

Happy Easter Monday.

Cow

Thanks you guys for sharings and input. Always, I enjoy to learn more about you.

I not necessarily attach to work. But it is one of few thing that can be said for me, is I have reputation for good work. As recluse anhedonic sourpuss, I not have lot of things that is of value, externally. Come to think, nor internally. So even though it unhealthy to me, is hard to give up one of few thing I got. Even though I not really give too much a crap about it. If that make sense.

No fini, it not shock to me. My brain got no spark and sparkle on it own. I try to "juice it" with natual method (exercise, dunking in ice water, sun, slapping own self across face even!) but brain is like "...uh huh, just let me stare into space for couple hour and I get back to you." I did first interview on this project sober and forgot bunch of words I need to say and lot of awkward pause and have to actual cover this impression by saying I getting over terrible cold.

Everybody in real life prefer Caffeinated Cow to Decaf Cow. Including me. ...until it all crash down. One cannot sustain a "personality" with drugs.

Okay enough babble.

I not know what "state learning" or "course of circles" is so I has to look into those.