Babble On - Cow's Straight Talkin' Salon - Everybody Welcome
Hello Kittens, how is you all going?!
I a 4! ...on my therapist total scientific and not at all arbitrary 1 - 10 personal fulfillment scale. (Hey, that pretty good since I been a 2 for whole last couple year.) I give better update tomorrow, okay? Cuz my tummy is barren and I must take nourishment. ...with extra cheese.
I a 4! ...on my therapist total scientific and not at all arbitrary 1 - 10 personal fulfillment scale. (Hey, that pretty good since I been a 2 for whole last couple year.) I give better update tomorrow, okay? Cuz my tummy is barren and I must take nourishment. ...with extra cheese.
Hello Cow!
Everyone is so excited to have you back, I feel like joining the party.
Looks like we joined around the same time, many years ago. I'm finally righting my ship, after many a weary and wasted year at sea.
Happy to be here with you.
Everyone is so excited to have you back, I feel like joining the party.
Looks like we joined around the same time, many years ago. I'm finally righting my ship, after many a weary and wasted year at sea.
Happy to be here with you.
Welcome LG and rar! Is please to meet you and please tell me about you and how you are going?
You other Chuckleheads need to give me update too! Does not make me pull this car over!
I must say, it make me sad to look over and see date I join. Maybe LG can relate. Cuz I pretty much total hot mess at that time, and during all my 5,000 thread of Diary of A Mad Cow, and since time I leave. Which is lot of time.
Okay, here is little bit more my update: I blow into 2018 same per usual. Drinking, lying, manipulating, lying, performing, lying -you get gist. I in intensive therapy with great therapist, and also doing experimental drug protocol. But still pretty much caught in my decades long cycle of depression/anhedonia, coffee, mania, booze. Just a few week ago, I had coffee and drank BEFORE therapist came over at 1PM and then pretend to be sober (which I very good at). ...Is so many thing wrong with that sentence, where does one begin?!
Recently, I spend entire weekend using and binge watching current season of "My 600-lb Life." Is show about people who is literally eating them self to death. Is fascinating to me cuz they denials, reasons, avoidances, excuses and way they manipulate other is same as me. One episode 700 woman sneak bag of Dorito into hospital and then lie to doctor that it not hers --even though he just pull it out like smoking gun from between her fat rolls where it had get lodged. Easy to judge, until you remember, oh, yeah, wait, you not can stop your sh*t either, Cow!
Anyways, I knew I was in state of learn helplessness and had to demand better of self, but, you know, to anhedonic those can be just words, cuz is no will or motivation or excitement to compel you to live up to such words.
But, I make decision to start with action, and hope that feeling will follow. Maybe will, maybe won’t. But feelings is very fickle and maybe not ever be “right” for change to be made. For that matter, thoughts is very tricksy, too. I know what I need to do, so I just start to do it. I been upward trajectory since.
You other Chuckleheads need to give me update too! Does not make me pull this car over!
I must say, it make me sad to look over and see date I join. Maybe LG can relate. Cuz I pretty much total hot mess at that time, and during all my 5,000 thread of Diary of A Mad Cow, and since time I leave. Which is lot of time.
Okay, here is little bit more my update: I blow into 2018 same per usual. Drinking, lying, manipulating, lying, performing, lying -you get gist. I in intensive therapy with great therapist, and also doing experimental drug protocol. But still pretty much caught in my decades long cycle of depression/anhedonia, coffee, mania, booze. Just a few week ago, I had coffee and drank BEFORE therapist came over at 1PM and then pretend to be sober (which I very good at). ...Is so many thing wrong with that sentence, where does one begin?!
Recently, I spend entire weekend using and binge watching current season of "My 600-lb Life." Is show about people who is literally eating them self to death. Is fascinating to me cuz they denials, reasons, avoidances, excuses and way they manipulate other is same as me. One episode 700 woman sneak bag of Dorito into hospital and then lie to doctor that it not hers --even though he just pull it out like smoking gun from between her fat rolls where it had get lodged. Easy to judge, until you remember, oh, yeah, wait, you not can stop your sh*t either, Cow!
Anyways, I knew I was in state of learn helplessness and had to demand better of self, but, you know, to anhedonic those can be just words, cuz is no will or motivation or excitement to compel you to live up to such words.
But, I make decision to start with action, and hope that feeling will follow. Maybe will, maybe won’t. But feelings is very fickle and maybe not ever be “right” for change to be made. For that matter, thoughts is very tricksy, too. I know what I need to do, so I just start to do it. I been upward trajectory since.
Cow - thank you for the welcome.
Yes looking back at my join date, a couple months before you, causes me some pain and sadness. But then I think about how Jay Z says 30 is the new 20 and I figure that must mean 40 is the new 30 and I'm feeling better.
In all seriousness, I'm on day 30something (not in the mood to count day to day these days - I have an app on my phone doing that for me).
This last bender down drunk lane had me finishing cheap pints of vodka in a rental car before work, lying lying lying, in ugly shape, avoiding my family and obligations and on and on.
Think I finally have enough reasons to stop for good and stay stopped. But I'm not stupid enough (all I have to do is go back and read my old posts (ah SR what a cruel therapist you can be) to see I've felt confident in sobriety before and lost it) to think I have this brutal, shameful, all-encompassing disorder licked.
I'm here though. And trying.
I like to tell myself - no one is coming to save me.
What are you doing to stay the course this time?
Yes looking back at my join date, a couple months before you, causes me some pain and sadness. But then I think about how Jay Z says 30 is the new 20 and I figure that must mean 40 is the new 30 and I'm feeling better.
In all seriousness, I'm on day 30something (not in the mood to count day to day these days - I have an app on my phone doing that for me).
This last bender down drunk lane had me finishing cheap pints of vodka in a rental car before work, lying lying lying, in ugly shape, avoiding my family and obligations and on and on.
Think I finally have enough reasons to stop for good and stay stopped. But I'm not stupid enough (all I have to do is go back and read my old posts (ah SR what a cruel therapist you can be) to see I've felt confident in sobriety before and lost it) to think I have this brutal, shameful, all-encompassing disorder licked.
I'm here though. And trying.
I like to tell myself - no one is coming to save me.
What are you doing to stay the course this time?
Enquiring minds want to know... I have learned from SR that this one little thing makes such a huge difference when it comes to anxiety levels...
...are you taking any benzos?
...are you taking any benzos?
Thank you everybody for very nice welcomings --it gladden my heart. ... ... Now I want those updates on my desk by first of morning, peoples!
LG, good on you. I in 50's now, so yeah, is hard to look at wasted years. Therapist is all: Yeah, well, don't be saying same thing when you 70. (She brutal, but I dig that.) I never gonna be too confident in sobriety either, cuz, well... you know, preponderance of the evidence say HA!
Nobody saving me either. What I doing now is:
1. Not have stimulants.
2. Practice sleep hygiene. - for me this extremely important.
3. Practice meal hygiene.
4. Keep up with therapy.
Is kind of KISSETIDH (Keep It Simple Stupid Even Though It Damn Hard) sort of plan, but I never really work hard to get foundational stuff like sleep and meals in good place before and it make huge difference in all areas.
Cfusion, I down to 6mg of my benzo (from 30mg) and is sloooooooowwwww taper this time after last nightmare I go through with that WD. Benzo withdrawl make alcohol withdrawl seem like basket of kittens.
LG, good on you. I in 50's now, so yeah, is hard to look at wasted years. Therapist is all: Yeah, well, don't be saying same thing when you 70. (She brutal, but I dig that.) I never gonna be too confident in sobriety either, cuz, well... you know, preponderance of the evidence say HA!
Nobody saving me either. What I doing now is:
1. Not have stimulants.
2. Practice sleep hygiene. - for me this extremely important.
3. Practice meal hygiene.
4. Keep up with therapy.
Is kind of KISSETIDH (Keep It Simple Stupid Even Though It Damn Hard) sort of plan, but I never really work hard to get foundational stuff like sleep and meals in good place before and it make huge difference in all areas.
Cfusion, I down to 6mg of my benzo (from 30mg) and is sloooooooowwwww taper this time after last nightmare I go through with that WD. Benzo withdrawl make alcohol withdrawl seem like basket of kittens.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)